Dead Room Farce (28 page)

Charles did speak to Lavinia once again. She was delighted by the news that her husband had been murdered. That meant there was no longer any threat to her insurance money.

Charles also heard from Lisa Wilson a few times over the next months. She had been given a fairly rough time by the Bath police for withholding information. At one stage there had been talk of charges against her, but in the event none materialised.

Once that threat had dissipated, her telephone conversations with Charles became less frequent, and finally ceased. Lisa Wilson seemed to be managing to make a new start. Business at the studios, she told him in one of her last calls, was really picking up. At the same time she mentioned casually that she was into a new relationship, which ‘seems quite promising – at least he's a teetotaller for a change'.

So was Charles at that point, but he didn't think it worth mentioning the fact to Lisa Wilson. Whatever there might have been between them was now long gone. Besides, although she had been the motive force which made him give up drink, now he was doing it for himself. The abstinence made his evenings very long and slow, but he did feel healthier for it. Also, he needed some kind of self-punishment.

He found a letter at Hereford Road on the Sunday between the Bristol week and the Manchester week. He didn't recognise the name or address on the notepaper.

Dear Mr Paris,

I am writing to inform you of the death of my sister Ruth. As you probably know, she had been in and out of hospital for some months, and so in some ways her passing on must have been a relief to her. I have been through her address book, and am writing to all the people in it to inform them of the sad news, and also to say that a funeral service will be held.

But the date had passed. Charles felt bad. He'd had no idea Ruth was so ill. It compounded his general sense of being an emotional cactus, someone whom no woman could approach without getting hurt.

He kept meaning to ring Frances. But he didn't.

The
Manchester Evening News
gave his performance as Aubrey one of those notices that Charles knew he would never be able to flush out of his mind. ‘Charles Paris,' it ran, ‘acts as if having a love affair is only marginally preferable to an attack of piles.'

Two months after the
Not On Your Wife!
tour ended, Maurice Skellern rang to say that Charles had been offered another three-month tour. Again of
not on your wife!
Bill Blunden's slow process of perfecting the comic machinery of his play was set to continue for another crawl around the provinces.

Charles Paris's first reaction was to say ‘No', and he knew his first reactions were always right. He was sick of the play, for one thing. And he couldn't face another three months of reproach from Cookie Stone.

On the other hand . . . he had no alternative prospects for the year ahead, the bank balance was dwindling, and three months' work remained three months' work. Then again, as Maurice Skellern said, ‘There's always the chance it'll “come in” Charles. When you're on West End money, you won't regret all those endless months of touring, will you?'

So Charles Paris said ‘Yes'.

In fact, sure enough, a year later
not on your wife!
, finally rewritten to Bill Blunden's satisfaction, did ‘come in' to the West End, for the start of what proved to be a very long and successful run.

There were a few cast changes, though. Pippa Trewin hadn't even done the second tour, because she was playing the lead in a movie. And for the West End run, Cookie Stone was replaced by an actress straight out of drama school. The girl was really not old enough for the part, but she was Pippa Trewin's younger sister. Mind you, she'd changed her name to Samantha Driver. Like Pippa before her, she didn't want anyone to think she was getting preferential treatment just because she was the daughter of Patti Urquhart and Julian Strange.

Oh, and in the West End, the part of Aubrey was played by an actor called George Birkett.

Charles Paris was philosophical about all this. Bloody annoyed, but philosophical. He'd long since given up the expectation that life would be fair.

Possibly to compound its unfairness, in the Queen's next Birthday Honours, Bernard Walton was knighted for ‘charitable work and services to the theatre'.

The day Charles Paris agreed to do the second tour of
not on your wife!
, he felt in need of a little celebration. It wasn't that he was celebrating the decision; more that he wanted to shut his mind to the fact that he'd made the decision.

And he had done nearly two months off the booze. That was almost unprecedented. He had proved he wasn't an alcoholic. He could take it or leave it, stop whenever he wanted to. He deserved a little treat.

So that evening Charles Paris went out and got drunk – two-second pause – merry – two-second pause – tiddly – two-second pause – tipsy – two-second pause – blotto – two-second pause – pissed – two-second pause – rat-arsed . . .