Dear Emily (3 page)

“So how do they answer the phone?” Emily persisted.

“Jesus, Emily, what is this, twenty questions? Just because I can’t remember the name of that joint doesn’t mean I don’t know it. I know the phone number by heart so why do I need to know the name of it?”

“What if something happened to me and you had to get there right away?”

“I’d call first. I have it written down somewhere. None of this is important, Emily.”

“Yes, Ian, it is. The
dive
I work at is called Sassy Sallie’s. That
dive
put you through medical school, paid our rent, bought our food, paid our utilities, helps to pay your student loans, paid for that suit, shirt, and tie, not to mention your underwear and shoes and socks as well as my new outfit. And this dinner. So, you see, it is important. To me. And it should be important to you too.”

“Emily, that isn’t what I meant. I meant the discussion.
Dive
is just a word. You’re the one who used it first when you first started to work there. I picked it up from you. I
am
appreciative. What is it you want?”

“Respect. Why did you tell me not to tell anyone what I do? You admitted you don’t tell people because it’s none of their business.”

“It isn’t. Do you tell people what I do?” Ian asked huffily.

“To anyone who will listen. I’m proud of you, Ian. Waitressing is honest work. Hard work. Look, let’s drop it. I guess I’m just tired.”

“You’re always tired, Emily. Are you taking those vitamins I got you?”

“I take two a day and I’m still tired. I can’t wait to sleep in and do nothing.”

Ian shrugged. Their salads arrived. Ian refilled their wineglasses a third time.

A long time later, their soup and salad plates gone, Ian said carefully, “Listen, I don’t have the foggiest idea of what I ordered for us. The menu was in French. I just pointed. I think it’s some kind of fish. Let’s not make a fuss if it’s something we don’t like. I’d hate to be embarrassed.”

Emily felt her hackles rise as she thought about the hours she’d worked, the hours she’d stood on her feet to pay for a dinner she might not even like just so her husband wouldn’t be embarrassed. She sighed and shook her head to show she would do as he wanted. She always did what he wanted. Always.

Ian ordered a second bottle of wine. It arrived when the dinner of salmon mousse was set in front of them. Ian beamed. Emily stared at her plate. She hated salmon. She’d rather have a greasy hamburger.

“You’re a good sport, Emily,” Ian said happily. “I love it when you look like you do right now.”

“How’s that?”

“Determined.”

Emily burst out laughing. “This tastes like…like my father’s muddy galoshes with a topping of Parmesan cheese.” Ian choked on his food and then burst out laughing. He finished the wine in his glass at a gulp, his face red. “Is everyone looking at us?” he whispered.

“Uh-huh. I think we need a little more practice before we eat in restaurants like this or else we need a crash course in French.” Emily giggled.

“I think you’re right, Emily. We’ll stop and get a banana split when we leave here.”

“Are you kidding? We’ll be too drunk to make it to the ice cream parlor. Besides, I thought you had other things in mind,” Emily said, leering at him across the table. “Oh, Ian, I can’t wait to give my notice.”

“You look so beautiful in candlelight, honey. When we finally settle in somewhere, let’s have candlelight every night.”

“Okay. You’re the handsomest man in this restaurant, Ian.”

“How blitzed are you?”

“I can still see straight. You
are
the handsomest. Look around at the men in here. Pot bellies, bald heads, I’d wager half the women in here are mistresses. You know how you can tell?”

“How?”

“They’re talking. Husbands and wives drink, eat, and leave. Lovers dally, smile, talk, and look into each other’s eyes.”

Ian looked around. “Jeez, you’re right. That’s disgusting.”

“Will you always be faithful to me, Ian?”

“Of course. What about you?”

“Always,” Emily said, her eyes shining with love. “I would never muck up what we have. Men…I’m not sure men feel the same way women do when it comes to affairs.”

“I feel just the way you do, Emily. We are going to have the perfect life to make up for all our sacrifices. We deserve the best and I’m going to make sure we get it. That’s my job.”

Our sacrifices,
Emily’s head buzzed with the wine she’d consumed. She should be paying attention to what Ian was saying. She’d think about it tomorrow while she lay in bed. Maybe Ian would bring her breakfast. She didn’t realize she’d said the words aloud until Ian said, “It will be my pleasure. How about French toast with melted butter, warm syrup, and sprinkled with powdered sugar or maybe that spice you use?”

“That sounds wonderful, Ian. Let’s stay in bed till noon and have brunch.”

“Sounds good to me. Here comes our coffee and we finished the wine. I need to talk to you about something, Emily.”

“Okay, talk.”

“Emily, honey, I want us to go back to New Jersey. This is…I don’t know how to say it except to blurt it right out. I want to work for myself. I want us to open a clinic. I’ve talked, long distance, to a few bankers back home and the guy at First Fidelity said he didn’t think there would be a problem loaning us money for a clinic. I thought Front Street in Plainfield would be good. A walk-in-off-the-street clinic, open to everyone. I didn’t commit, said I had to talk it over with you. Two years Emily, if my predictions are right. Clinics are moneymakers. If you keep working, plus help out in the clinic, we can pay off my loans and the loan for the clinic. Two years. What’s two years, Emily? Twenty-four months. Seven hundred and thirty days. We can do it, Emily, if you pitch in. It will be ours. You won’t have to bust your ass anymore. I mean after two years. This is how I see it: You work mornings, seven to one, and then you can work the night shift at your old place, you know, what was it called, Heckling Pete’s? What do you think, Emily?”

What she thought was she wanted to die, right here at this very table where she’d consumed almost a whole bottle of wine and eaten salmon mousse.

She chose her words carefully. “That means I have to put school off again. How’s that going to look when I finally go back and everyone is years younger? I won’t fit in. I was so looking forward to starting school. Ian, I don’t know if I’m strong enough to put in two more years.”

“The first thing we’re going to do is some blood work on you. Build you up. That’s a must. You’re going to take a vacation and sit on your tail for ten whole days. I’m doing this for you as much as myself. If we don’t take hold of this opportunity, we might not get another one. I swear to you, dear Emily, I’ll make this up to you. I can’t do it alone. I need you at my side.”

“Oh, Ian, that means I’ll see even less of you and I’ll be working more hours. Before you said we were like newlyweds. That was wrong, we’re like strangers. You didn’t even know where I worked.”

“I remembered Heckling Pete’s and that was a long time ago.”

“You really want to do this, don’t you?”

“More than anything. We’ll be on our own, making money, and we’ll be our own bosses. I can treat people at affordable prices. It’s a moneymaker, Emily. Two years. Can you see it in your heart to give me two more years? I know what I’m asking. It has to be your decision, though.” His eyes pleaded with her.

Emily nodded because she was too numb to do anything else. Ian smiled, raised his hand for the check. “I’m going to make this up to you, dear Emily. The day is going to come when I will give you anything your heart desires. Anything. I promise, Emily.”

She managed to say, “I’m going to hold you to it.” She even managed a sickly smile for her husband’s benefit.

They tottered home, holding on to one another, their futures settled for the next two years.

E
mily stared in awe at the Christmas tree she’d decorated to surprise Ian. The small apartment positively reeked of Christmas. She was going to bake the way her mother always baked for the holidays. She was going to wrap presents and maybe drink some wine while she was doing it. The day was hers to do with as she pleased. Heckling Pete’s was closed for serious plumbing repairs and she’d pretended she had a cold and told Ian she couldn’t work in the clinic. And here she was. Full of Christmas spirit.

She glanced at the pile of papers and ledgers on the kitchen table. She had to do the payroll, fill out insurance papers, make a bank deposit, pay the clinic bills as well as the household bills. She didn’t want to do them, wasn’t going to do them. She opened the cabinet under the sink, pushed aside her cleaning supplies. Then she swept the pile of papers into the far back corner.

This was supposed to be a real Christmas. Ian had promised. Last year the clinic had been opened and they had both worked and had a cup of eggnog in front of the plastic tree in the waiting room. They’d agreed not to exchange presents, but at the last minute she’d gone out and bought Ian a cashmere jacket she couldn’t afford. He’d stuck to their agreement. She’d cried in the bathroom afterward. She would have been satisfied with a gift-wrapped Bic pen.

Emily looked at the pile of presents she was going to wrap in silver paper. Big, red, velvet bows would go on all the packages. She tried to imagine Ian’s reaction to her shopping and decorating spree. Would he look at her with disappointment in his eyes or would he smile and say something kind and wonderful? Now, the clinic was in the black. Everything he’d predicted had come to pass. Six more months and his student loans would be paid off. For now, every extra cent went toward the loans and the cheap apartment they lived in.

Ian had worked even harder than she had in this past year and a half. He was as bone weary as she was, but it had been his decision to keep the clinic open twenty-four hours a day. When he came home at 11
P.M
., he was on call during the night. She could count on one hand the nights he got to sleep through until morning. When Ian fell into bed, they cuddled and told each other it was just a few more months, then it was all going to be worth it. Every night he kissed her and thanked her for working at his side. Sex was just a sweet memory. Both of them were too tired to put forth any real effort, always promising one another the weekend would be for lazing about and making wild, crazy love. It never happened, though. The weekends were devoted to emergencies, grocery shopping, laundry, and her stint at Heckling Pete’s.

They had a covering doctor now and a covering office manager. It had been Ian’s idea so they could start the first of the new year fresh and with energy to spare. As if she would ever have energy again. All her git up and go had departed a long time ago. She wasn’t sure about Ian’s stamina. He looked weary beyond words. Was success worth all of this sacrificing? Their youth was gone, if they’d ever really had a youth. The early years of their marriage were gone, never to be recaptured.

The years between thirty and forty were supposed to be prime years. Would hers and Ian’s be prime?, She wished for a crystal ball. She was still daydreaming when Ian walked through the door.

“It smells like Christmas in here,” he shouted.

Emily threw herself into his arms. “You’re early. Why? Is everything okay?”

“Of course. I came home to check on you. I called Garret to come in and cover. Allison is going to stop by and pick up the work I know you didn’t do. She’ll do it this evening.”

“Are you really home for the night?” Emily asked in awe.

“Jesus, Emily, I try, I really do. Let’s not get off track here. I’m here and we’re going to glue ourselves to each other. I say we light the fireplace, pop some corn, and look at that gorgeous Christmas tree. Did you do all that yourself? It smells great. I’m sorry about all the past Christmases, Emily.”

“Shhhh, me too. This is now and we’re going to enjoy it. I can hardly believe Christmas is just three days away. Shall I bake a turkey?”

“You bet. With all the trimmings. Let’s go to midnight mass too.”

“Oh, Ian, really. Do you mean it?”

“I certainly do. We have to try going to church more often. We’re going to start doing a lot of things we never had time for. It’s time for us, Emily.”

“Like what?” she said, snuggling into the crook of his arm.

“Like we should go ice skating when the ponds freeze. We should go to the mall and browse around, maybe take a ride to the shore and walk along the boardwalk and huddle into our winter coats. Remember how we used to do that? We’d walk for hours, freeze our tushees off, and then go for hot chocolate. I want to do that again.”

“Oh, me too, Ian. I’d love it. What else?”

“Let’s go to New York to see all the Christmas decorations. We can ice skate at Rockefeller Center.” Emily clapped her hands in delight. “We can browse down Fifth Avenue and look at all the wonderful window displays. We’ll buy ourselves new outfits while we’re there.”

“Pinch me,” Emily gurgled. Ian obliged. “Ouch! Anything else?”

“How about five days in the Cayman Islands? Just you and me. I think we can take five days off around the middle of January if you want to go.”

“Do I want to go? Do I want to take another breath? Of course I want to go. Pinch me again.” Ian pinched her a second time. “Okay, okay, this isn’t a dream.”

“It means more now, doesn’t it. I think we’re both really going to appreciate it after all our hard work. We can’t stay anywhere that’s really expensive and we’ll pretty much have to eat on the cheap because the air fare is expensive. Do you care about that?”

“Not a bit. Is this our Christmas present?”

“No way. I bought you a present. Did you buy me one?” he asked slyly.

“Yep. Oh, Ian, you are absolutely right, it means more now. I’m going to mark it off on the calendar and count the days, but not right now. Right now I want to stay here with you.”

“Where you belong. God, I love you, Emily. You are one of a kind. You are the kindest, the warmest, the gentlest, the most generous human being I’ve ever met.”

“Oh, tell me more. More,” Emily begged.

“Not until I change my clothes, make a fire. Hey, does that fireplace really work? What’s for dinner? Let’s eat in front of the fire.”

“I think it works. The box of firewood the last tenant left is still in the corner. It should burn well. We’re having pepper steak. Go ahead and get changed. I want to plug in the tree lights.”

“My God, Emily, it’s beautiful,” Ian said, backing up a step to view the magnificent fir. “Where’d you get all the stuff? How long did it take you? I thought you didn’t feel good.”

“Doing it made me feel better. I just have a scratchy throat. Really, I’m fine.”

“You’re the best, honey.”

Emily smiled and smiled. She smiled all evening long. She continued to smile when they made love far into the night. The smile stayed with her when she slept and was still with her when Ian nudged her in the morning and invited her to take a shower with him.

“I’m making breakfast for us this morning,” he said.

“In that case, I’ll have eggs, French toast, and bacon,” Emily called over her shoulder as she scooted for the bathroom. “Make the coffee dark and sweet and don’t forget the orange juice.”

“You got it. Last night was great, wasn’t it?”

“Oh, yes. I’m greedy, though. I want more.”

“Okay, same thing tonight. I’m going in for four hours. I have a kid I have to check. He’s worrying me. I might have to put him in the hospital.”

“Over Christmas?”

“I’ve been pumping him full of antibiotics but he isn’t responding the way he should be. He’s running a fever too. He’s a great little kid. Keeps asking me if I’m going to make him better. I tell him I’m going to try my best. He wants a pair of ice skates for Christmas. The family is too poor for gifts. I bought a pair for him, Emily, and a pair for his sister. Do you think it’s okay? I mean will his mother think I’m—you know.”

“Ian, that’s wonderful. His mother is going to be very grateful. Thank you for doing that.”

“Yeah, well, I did it for a few other kids too. Actually, twenty to be exact. You don’t mind, do you?”

“Of course not. Christmas is for giving. I’m just grateful we can afford to do it.”

“Actually, the corporation did it. It’s a write-off, but that isn’t why I did it.”

“I know that, Ian. I knew I loved you for a reason.”

“Will you still love me if you have to wrap them?”

“Now, why did I know you were going to say that? Of course I’ll wrap them. Do you want them this afternoon?”

“Do I have a clean shirt for today; an ironed one?”

“Of course. They’re hanging on the back of the door.”

“Good girl,” Ian said, squeezing her arm.

“I have to go now. I’ll be back early.” The phone shrilled to life in the living room. “I’ll get it,” Ian said. “It’s for you, honey, it’s Heckling Pete’s.”

Emily’s stomach started to churn. He was ready to leave so why was he standing by the door? He’d kissed her cheek as she picked up the phone. He was deliberately stalling so he could hear her end of the conversation. “Hello,” she said cautiously.

“Emily, this is Pete. Listen, the workers managed to get the back room ready ahead of schedule. We scheduled three Christmas parties for this evening. I know I gave you a few days off, but I’m short of help. I’ll throw in an extra fifty bucks if you help me out.”

“I can’t, Pete. I have plans.” She wouldn’t look at Ian, she just wouldn’t.

“What about tomorrow?”

“Can’t, Pete, that’s Christmas Eve. Sorry.”

“Okay, no hard feelings. Have a nice holiday and I’ll see you after Christmas. Stop by and pick up your schedule and your year-end bonuses.”

“I will. Have a wonderful holiday.”

“Can you believe that!” Emily said, turning to face her husband. “He had the nerve to ask me to work on Christmas Eve. You have to set Pete straight in the beginning or he takes advantage of you. Is there anything special you’d like for dinner?”

“How about stew. I like to eat stew when it’s cold out. Put lots of carrots in it, okay?” He paused. “You’re going to be losing a whole week’s pay, right?”

“I really won’t be out that much. Pete is generous; he gives everyone a Christmas bonus.”

“Yes, but if you were working, we’d be that much farther ahead. What will he give you?”

“Probably a hundred dollars. That’s what he gave us last year. It’s generous. Most places don’t give waitresses anything.” She hated it when her voice turned pleading. Now she felt guilty for lying, guilty for not working the Christmas parties. She was letting Ian down. Her head pounded. “You better hurry, Ian, or you’re going to be late.”

All day, Emily was a whirling dervish, wrapping presents for Ian’s patients, and then her own presents, cutting vegetables, making sure she added carrots, cutting the meat into cubes, flouring it and then browning it. When it was simmering, the apartment tidy, she showered, did her best to tame her wild mane of hair, and had a cup of coffee. Ian would be in shortly. Maybe she should walk out back and bring in some of the firewood the landlord said they could use. Three trips would about do it if they wanted the fire to last all night. Ian did love a fire, but then so did she. Yes, she’d do a fire, turn on the tree lights, and everything would look toasty and cozy. Ian would be so happy, and when Ian was happy, she was happy.

Wasn’t that the way it was supposed to be?

Christmas Eve and Christmas Day were everything Emily dreamed of. Ian’s gift of expensive perfume was a treasure to her. Secretly she liked the cut-glass crystal better than she liked the scent, but she doused herself to please her husband, who all but swooned when she put it on. The sweet, cloying scent gave her a headache.

When the Christmas dinner dishes were done and the apartment tidy, Ian drew Emily into the living room. They sat on the couch for a long time staring at the fragrant balsam. “I’ve never been happier, Ian. I wish this day could last forever. I just love Christmas, don’t you?”

“Hmmnnn.
It was nice. We’re going to do this every year no matter what. We’re going to stop and smell the roses. We have our vacation to look forward to. Let’s go shopping tomorrow and get a few new clothes. You’ll need a few sundresses for the islands and maybe some shorts and sandals. We can afford to splurge a little. Make sure you bring that perfume. It drives me nuts. I’m going to make sure you never run out. I told the girl in the department store to call me at the clinic if it ever goes on sale. She said she would.”

Oh, God, Emily thought. He was tense and she wondered why. He was going to tell her something she wasn’t going to like. She could feel it coming because she knew him so well.

“It’s hard to believe a new year is just days away. Time is getting away from us, Emily. Opportunities have a way of knocking and people have a way of ignoring the knock on the door. I was never one of those people; how about you, Emily?”

She pretended not to know what he was talking about. “Oh, you mean like me enrolling in school? My opportunity, that kind of thing? I agree. And me getting pregnant? I think I’ll make a good mother, don’t you, Ian? I’m going to make a great teacher, too, because I just love kids. I can’t think of anything more rewarding than teaching little kids to read and write. I want to teach first grade. I’m really excited, Ian, that my turn is coming up.”

It wasn’t coming up, she could tell. Ian was going to spoil it. Still, she babbled on. “Remember our promise to each other, Ian. You promised me a baby and you promised I could go to school. That’s not going to change, is it?” She was tense now, nervous. She could feel a scream building up inside her. “I want to take courses all summer. June will be my cutoff date for work. Then in September I can start full time and maybe work a little, a few nights a week, maybe three hours a night twice a week.”

“You sound like you’ve really thought this all through, Emily,” Ian said quietly.

“I’ve thought about nothing but this for months now. Ian, I am bone tired. I can’t keep working like I’ve been working. I’m so frazzled at times I can’t see straight. Is there something wrong?”