Dear John (14 page)
After that, I spent the next few uneventful months on base. Sure, we did the occasional class on weapons or navigation, and every now and then I’d wander into town for a beer with the guys, but for the most part I lifted tons of weights, ran hundreds of miles, and kicked Tony’s ass whenever we stepped into the boxing ring.
Spring in Germany wasn’t as bad as I thought it would be after the disaster we went through on maneuvers. Snow melted, flowers came out, and the air began to warm. Well, not really warm, but it rose above freezing, and that was enough for most of my buddies and me to throw on shorts and play Frisbee or softball outside. As June finally rolled around, I found myself getting antsy to return to North Carolina. Savannah had graduated and was already in summer school doing classes for her master’s degree, so I planned to travel to Chapel Hill. We would have two glorious weeks together—even when I went to see my dad in Wilmington, she planned to come with me—and I found myself feeling alternately nervous and excited and scared at the thought
Yes, we’d corresponded through the mail and talked on the phone. Yes, I’d gone out to stare at the moon on the first night it was full, and in her letters she told me she had, too. But I hadn’t seen her in nearly a year, and I didn’t have any idea how she’d react when we were face-to-face again. Would she rush into my arms when I got off the plane, or would her reaction be more restrained, perhaps a gentle kiss on the cheek? Would we fall into easy conversation immediately, or would we find ourselves talking about the weather and feeling awkward around each other? I didn’t know, and I’d lie awake at night imagining a thousand different scenarios.
Tony knew what I was going through, though he knew better than to call obvious attention to it. Instead, as the date approached, he slapped me on the back.
“Gonna see her soon,” he said. “You ready for that?”
“Yeah.”
He smirked. “Don’t forget to pick up some tequila on the way home.”
I made a face, and Tony laughed.
“It’s going to be just fine,” he said. “She loves you, man. She’s got to, considering how much you love her.”
I
n June 2001, I was given my leave and left for home immediately, flying from Frankfurt to New York, then on to Raleigh. It was a Friday evening, and Savannah had promised to pick me up at the airport before bringing me to Lenoir to meet her parents. She’d dropped that little surprise on me the day before the flight. Now, I had nothing against meeting her parents, mind you. I was sure they were wonderful people and all that, but if I had my way, I would rather have had Savannah all to myself at least for the first few days. It’s kind of hard to make up for lost time with the parents around. Even if we didn’t get physical—and knowing Savannah, I was pretty sure we wouldn’t, though I kept my fingers crossed—how would her parents treat me if I kept their daughter out until the wee hours, even if all we did was lie under the stars? Granted, she was an adult, but parents were funny when it came to their own kids, and I was under no illusions that they’d be understanding about the whole thing. She would always be their little girl, if you know what I mean.
But Savannah had had a point when she explained it to me. I had two weekends free, and if I planned to see my dad on the second weekend, I had to see hers the first weekend. Besides, she sounded so excited about the whole thing that all I could say was that I was looking forward to meeting them. Still, I wondered if I’d even be able to hold her hand, and I speculated about whether I could talk her into taking a little detour on the way to Lenoir.
As soon as the plane landed, my anticipation grew and I could feel my ticker booming. But I didn’t know how to act. Should I jog toward her as soon as I spotted her or stroll casually, cool and in control? I still wasn’t sure, but before I could dwell on it, I was in the cattle chute, moving up the aisle. I slung my duffel bag over my shoulder as I emerged from the ramp that accessed the terminal. I didn’t see her at first—too many folks milling around. When I scanned the area a second time, I saw her off to the left and realized instantly that all my worries had been pointless, for she spotted me and came running at full tilt. I barely had time to drop my duffel bag before she jumped into my arms, and the kiss that followed was like its own magic kingdom, complete with its special language and geography, fabulous myths and wonders for the ages. And when she pulled back and whispered, “I missed you so much,” I felt as if I’d been put back together after spending a year cut in half.
I don’t know how long we stood together, but when we finally began moving toward the baggage claim, I slipped my hand into hers knowing that I loved her not only more than the last time I’d seen her, but more than I would ever love anyone.
On the drive we talked easily, but we did make a small detour. After pulling into a rest stop, we made out like teenagers. It was great—let’s leave it at that—and a couple of hours later, we arrived at her house. Her parents were waiting on the porch of a neat, two-story Victorian. Surprising me, her mother hugged me as soon as I got close, then offered me a beer. I declined, mostly because I knew I’d be the only one drinking, but I appreciated the effort. Savannah’s mom, Jill, was a lot like Savannah: friendly, open, and a lot sharper than she first came across. Her dad was exactly the same, and I actually had a good time visiting with them. It didn’t hurt that Savannah held my hand the whole time and seemed completely at ease doing so. Toward the end of the evening, she and I went for a long moonlit walk. By the time we got back to the house, it felt almost as if we’d never been apart at all.
It went without saying that I slept in the guest room. I hadn’t expected otherwise, and the room was a lot better than most places I’d stayed, with classic furniture and a comfortable mattress. The air was stuffy, though, and I opened the window, hoping the mountain air would bring welcome cool. It had been a long day—I was still on German time—and I fell asleep immediately, only to wake up an hour later when I heard my door squeak open. Savannah, wearing comfy cotton pajamas and socks, closed the door behind her and started toward the bed, tiptoeing across the floor.
She held a finger to her lips to keep me quiet. “My parents would kill me if they knew I was doing this,” she whispered. She crawled into bed beside me and adjusted the covers, pulling them up to her neck as if she were camping in the arctic. I put my arms around her, loving the feel of her body against mine.
We kissed and giggled for most of the night, then she sneaked back to her room. I fell asleep again, probably before she reached her room, and awakened to the sight of sunlight streaming in the window. The smell of breakfast came wafting into the room, and I tossed on a T-shirt and jeans and went down to the kitchen. Savannah was at the table, talking with her mom while her dad read the paper, and I felt the weight of their presence when I entered. I took a place at the table, and Savannah’s mom poured me a cup of coffee before setting a plate of bacon and eggs in front of me. Savannah, who was sitting across from me already showered and dressed, was chipper and impossibly fresh-looking in the soft morning light.
“Did you sleep okay?” she asked, her eyes shining with mischief.
I nodded. “Actually, I had the most wonderful dream,” I said.
“Oh?” her mom asked. “What was it about?”
I felt Savannah kick me under the table. She shook her head almost imperceptibly. I have to admit that I enjoyed the sight of Savannah squirming, but enough was enough. I feigned concentration. “I can’t remember now,” I said.
“I hate when that happens,” her mother said. “Is breakfast okay?”
“It smells great,” I said. “Thank you.” I glanced at Savannah. “What’s on the agenda today?”
She leaned across the table. “I was thinking we might go horseback riding. Do you think you’d be up for that?”
When I hesitated, she laughed. “You’ll be fine,” she added. “I promise.”
“Easy for you to say.”
She rode Midas; for me, she suggested a quarter horse named Pepper, which her dad usually rode. We spent most of the day walking up trails, galloping through open fields, and exploring this part of her world. She’d prepared a picnic lunch, and we ate at a spot that overlooked Lenoir. She pointed out the schools she’d attended and homes of the people she knew. It dawned on me then that not only did she love it here, she never wanted to live anywhere else.
We spent six or seven hours in the saddle, and I did my best to keep up with Savannah, though that was close to impossible. I didn’t end up with my face planted in the dirt, but there were a few dicey moments here and there when Pepper acted up and it took everything I could do to hold on. It wasn’t until Savannah and I were getting ready for dinner that I realized what I’d gotten myself into, however. Little by little, I began to realize that my walking resembled waddling. The inside muscles of my legs felt as if Tony had pounded them for hours.
On Saturday night, Savannah and I went to dinner at a cozy little Italian place. Afterward, she suggested we go dancing, but by then I could barely move. As I limped toward the car, she adopted a concerned expression and reached out to stop me.
Leaning over, she grasped my leg. “Does it hurt when I squeeze right here?”
I jumped and screamed. For some reason, she found this amusing.
“Why’d you do that? That hurt!”
She smiled. “Just checking.”
“Checking what? I already told you—I’m sore.”
“I just wanted to see if little old me could make a big, tough army guy like you scream.”
I rubbed my leg. “Yeah, well, let’s not test that anymore, okay?”
“Okay,” she said. “And I’m sorry.”
“You don’t sound sorry.”
“Well, I am,” she said. “But it is kind of funny, don’t you think? I mean, I rode just as long as you, and I’m fine.”
“You ride all the time.”
“I haven’t ridden in over a month.”
“Yeah, well.”
“Come on. Admit it. It was kind of funny, wasn’t it?”
“Not at all.”
On Sunday, we attended church with her family. I was too sore to do much else the rest of the day, so I plopped myself on the couch and watched a baseball game with her dad. Savannah’s mom brought in sandwiches, and I spent the afternoon wincing every time I tried to get comfortable while the game went into extra innings. Her dad was easy to talk to, and the conversation drifted from army life to teaching to some of the kids he coached and his hopes for their future. I liked him. From my seat, I could hear Savannah and her mom chatting in the kitchen, and every now and then, Savannah would come into the living room with a basket of laundry to fold while her mother started another load in the washing machine. Though technically a college graduate and an adult, she still brought her dirty clothes home to Mom.
That night, we drove back to Chapel Hill, and Savannah showed me her apartment. It was sparse in the furniture department, but it was relatively new, and it had both a gas fireplace and small balcony that offered a view of the campus. Despite the warm weather, she got the fire going, and we snacked on cheese and crackers, which, aside from cereal, was about all she had to offer. It felt indescribably romantic to me, though I’d come to realize that being alone with Savannah always struck me as romantic. We talked until nearly midnight, but Savannah was quieter than usual. In time, she wandered to the bedroom. When she didn’t return, I went to find her. She was sitting on the bed, and I stopped in the doorway.
She squeezed her hands together and drew a long breath. “So . . . ,” she began.
“So . . . ,” I responded when she remained silent.
She drew another long breath. “It’s getting late. And I’ve got an early class tomorrow.”
I nodded. “You should probably get some sleep.”
“Yeah,” she said. She nodded as if she hadn’t considered it and turned toward the window. Through the blinds, I could see shafts of light streaming in from the parking lot. She was cute when she was nervous.
“So . . . ,” she said again, as if speaking to the wall.
I held up my hands. “Why don’t I sleep on the couch, okay?”
“You wouldn’t mind?”
“Not at all,” I said. Actually, it wasn’t what I preferred, but I understood.
Still staring toward the window, she made no move to get up. “I’m just not ready,” she said, her voice soft. “I mean, I thought I was, and part of me really wants to. I’ve been thinking about it for the last few weeks, and I made up my mind and it just seemed right, you know? I love you and you love me, and this is what people do when they’re in love. It was easy to tell myself when you weren’t here, but now . . .” She trailed off.
“It’s okay,” I said.
At last she turned toward me. “Were you scared? Your first time?”
I wondered how best to answer that. “I think it’s different for men and women,” I said.
“Yeah. I suppose so.” She pretended to adjust the blankets. “Are you mad?”
“Not at all.”
“But you’re disappointed.”
“Well . . . ,” I admitted, and she laughed.
“I’m sorry,” she said.
“There’s no reason to apologize.”
She thought about it. “Then why does it feel like I have to apologize?”
“Well, I am a lonely soldier,” I pointed out, and she laughed again. I could still hear the nervousness in it.
“The couch isn’t very comfortable,” she fretted. “And it’s small. You won’t be able to stretch out. And I don’t have any extra blankets. I should have grabbed a couple from home, but I forgot.”
“That is a problem.”
“Yeah,” she said. I waited.
“I suppose you could sleep with me,” she ventured.
I waited while she continued her own internal debate. Finally she shrugged. “You want to give it a try? Just sleeping, I mean?”
“Whatever you say.”
For the first time, her shoulders relaxed. “Okay, then. We’ve got that settled. Just give me a minute to change.”
She rose from the bed, crossed the room, and opened a drawer. The pajamas she chose were similar to the ones she’d worn at her parents’, and I left her to go back to the living room, where I slipped on some of my workout shorts and a T-shirt. By the time I returned, she was already under the covers. I went to the other side and crawled in beside her. She shuffled the covers before turning out the light, then lay on her back, staring toward the ceiling. I lay on my side, facing her.
“Good night,” she whispered.
“Good night.”
I knew I wouldn’t sleep. Not for a while, anyway. I was too . . . worked up for that. But I didn’t want to toss and turn, in case she could.
“Hey,” she finally whispered again.
“Yes?”
She rolled over to face me. “I just want you to know this is my first time that I’ve ever slept with a man. All night, I mean. That’s a step closer, right?”
“Yeah,” I said. “It’s a step closer.”
She brushed my arm. “And now if anyone asks, you’ll be able to tell them that we’ve slept together.”
“True,” I said.
“But you won’t tell anyone, will you? I mean, I don’t want to get a reputation, you know.”
I stifled a laugh. “I’ll keep it our little secret.”
The next few days fell into an easy, relaxing pattern. Savannah had classes in the morning and usually finished up a little after lunch. Theoretically, I suppose it gave me the opportunity to sleep in—something that all army recruits dream about when they talk about going on leave—but years of rising before dawn was a habit impossible to break. Instead, I woke before she did and would start a pot of coffee before trotting down to the corner to pick up the newspaper. Occasionally, I grabbed a couple of bagels or croissants; other times, we simply had cereal at the house, and it was easy to view our little routine as a preview of the first years of our future life together, effortless bliss that was almost too good to be true.
Or, at least, I tried to convince myself of that. When we stayed with her parents, Savannah was exactly the girl I remembered. Same thing on our first night alone. But after that . . . I began to notice differences. I guess I hadn’t fully realized that she was living a life that seemed complete and fulfilling, even without me. The calendar she kept on the refrigerator door listed something to do almost every day: concerts, lectures, half a dozen parties for various friends. Tim, I noted, was penciled in for the occasional lunch as well. She was taking four classes and teaching another as a graduate assistant, and on Thursday afternoons, she worked with a professor on a case study, one she was sure would be published. Her life was exactly the way she’d described it in her letters, and when she returned to the apartment, she’d tell me about her day while she made herself something to eat in the kitchen. She loved the work she was doing, and the pride in her tone was evident. She would talk animatedly while I listened, and I asked just enough questions to keep the flow of conversation going.
