Dear Jon (14 page)

After the exhausting week I had, I’m grateful to have a day off. Aunt Patty took Will and a friend to the movies while my mom went to work, leaving Max and me to fend for ourselves. Although an afternoon nap was on my agenda, my youngest brother has other plans.

“It’s two, Jon,” he whines. “I’m bored.”

“Yeah, me, too,” I tell him, yawning. “What do you want to do?”

“Go to the moon!” he suggests excitedly.

“We’re not really dressed for that, buddy. Think of something else.”

He laughs, sliding a Matchbox car on all the furniture surfaces as he runs around the living room. “The sun!”

“You got a death wish?” I ask him. “Do you have any idea how hot it is up there?”

“One hundred degrees?” he guesses.

“Try again.”

“Two hundred?”

“It’s one-hundred thousand times one-hundred degrees,” I tell him. “And that’s just on the surface.”

“What’s one-hundred thousand times one-hundred?”

“You tell me,” I challenge him. “Go grab some paper and a pen.” He hands me his red sports car while he goes to my room to get the supplies. Even though they put a bed in the craft room, it still houses all the scrapbooking and knitting projects that my aunt works on.

When he returns, he sets down a pad of flowery paper, hands me a Sharpie, and then sets a letter down on my knee.

“Where’d that come from?”

“I got the mail earlier.”

“You did?”

“Yeah. When you were in the shower.”

“Max? You don’t go outside without an adult, okay?”

“Mommy lets me,” he argues, furrowing his brow.

“Well, then on Mommy’s watch, maybe it’s fine. Not on mine, though… especially when I don’t even know. Okay?”

“Okay,” he says begrudgingly. “Show me how hot the sun is.”

“You can do math. Come on.” I hand him the marker and direct him to write out the two numbers we’re multiplying, explaining to him what each zero represents. Even though he knows multiplication, the size of the number overwhelms him, so I give him the answer. “Ten million degrees, Max.”

“Ten
million
?”

“Yep. Can you even imagine?”

“I’d be sweaty if I walked around on the sun.”

“No, you’d be dead. What do you think the sun’s made of?” I ask him.

“Lava?”

“Good guess, but no. Lava’s only about two thousand degrees.”

“The sun’s hotter than
lava
?”

“Oh, yeah. It’s hotter than fire. Hotter than anything we can imagine. The sun is made of gas, mainly hydrogen and helium. The gases become energy and create heat and light. So even if it wasn’t hot on the sun, you couldn’t walk on it.”

“I’d fall into it?”

“I guess the gravitational pull would suck you in, yes… but if it wasn’t hot, it would be something other than the sun, so…”

“I’m confused.”

“Yeah,” I tell him. “Too hypothetical for you.”

“Hyper-what?”

“Never mind.”

“Can I look at your space book?”

“The one with the pictures?” He nods. “Sure, it’s still on the desk. You can go get it.”

“Can I read in your room?”

“If you take your glasses, yes.”

“Thanks, Jon!” He runs off, leaving me with his car, the flowery paper, the pen, and most importantly, Livvy’s letter. I lie back down on the couch and open it up, taking my glasses off to read it.

I love you, Jon.

The moment I realize I’m smiling, I quickly correct my expression to one that’s more stoic. Some days, as more time has passed, I forget that I’m angry with her. As soon as I think of Finn, though, I remember the feeling very well.

Do you know how strong you are?

If you could see me now, Liv.
I shake off the nauseating bravado and read on.

I know. I’m just astonished at what one person can accomplish. Not just one person. One teenager. You have more mental strength and endurance than anyone I’ve ever met. You’re clever and you find solutions to things. You always have the answer.

And it’s almost always the right one.

School was never a struggle for me, but then again, life has never been a struggle for me. But yours pretty much always was. There was always a silence about you… but for other people who have lived a life similar to yours, there’s sadness or there’s anger, but there wasn’t that with you.

Your outlook was always positive. You looked for the bright side of things. How does someone who’s lived through so much darkness still have the ability to see so much light?

My brothers are my light. You were my light, Olivia. You kept me going. You kept me striving to be better.

There was no way this affluent girl who always had an aura of wonder and happiness would settle for someone who was depressed, or accepted the role as a victim. Whether it was her choice or her parents guiding her in that direction, she never hung around negative people. She came from the happiest of homes. Of course any home I’d want to make with her would have to keep her happy. I always knew Livvy felt relationships were more important than things. I was certain that came from Jack.

Had
things
been more important, Livvy Holland would have never been my aspiration… because even if I
earned
money or
found
money, I knew that I would never be frivolous with it. If I get the job I want and make the money I hope to someday, I intend to spend it on others who have needs like I have had. Needs I
still
have.

Would I still buy her that diamond that would catch in her brown eyes and make them sparkle even brighter? Sure. She wouldn’t ask for it, nor would she expect it from me. And that’s what I love about her. I would want to surprise her. Always.

Love
.

I heard it.
Love
. I grin again, thinking of the smile it would bring her. I’d envisioned a proposal many times over the past few years. I allow the expression to linger naturally as I read on.

I love your courage and your initiative. Your power. Your silence. Your brilliance. How you lead in school. How you lead your brothers. How you will always be a leader.

When you started Columbia, I knew it was home for you. You didn’t choose the college. I think the college chose you. I think it knew your power, strength, leadership, courage, and–most of all–your good and loyal heart would exemplify everything they wanted in a student at their college.

We aren’t finished.

Lions

Clever. I’d never really thought that our school mascot really represented me… but I can see it now. Symbolically, anyway, and maybe in nature, too. I remember seeing the lions at the zoo when I was little. Dad had taken me multiple times, but aside from hearing a roar or two from the beasts, they seemed to spend most of their time basking in the sun.

I remember walking away disappointed in them more often than not.

…your good and loyal heart…

That part jumps out at me from the page again.

She must be so disappointed in me now.

“Hey, Max!” I yell through the empty house.

“Yeah?”

“What are you doing in there?”

“Learning about black holes!” he says.
Learning
might be an exaggeration. The book I’d checked out from the library was a picture book, and one I’d hoped would pique my youngest brother’s interest in astronomy. It sounds like it might be working.

“How about learning about something more
terrestrial
?” He’s in the room within a few seconds, still wearing his glasses.

“Does that mean it’s
extra
terrestrial?”

I laugh at his question, thinking it would be a cute joke if he’d meant it as one. “Well, kind of.”

“I
want
to learn about aliens!”

“Terrestrial means it has to do with earth. Did you know that?”

“No,” he says, squinting at me curiously.

“Glasses, buddy.” He takes them off swiftly and sets them on the coffee table. “I was thinking we’d go learn about some creatures on earth.”

“People?”

“No. How’d you like to go to the zoo?” His eyes light up and he starts to jump up and down.

“Really?”

“Yeah. We can catch the bus and go. I hear they have a nice, natural habitat for lions.”

“Can we go now?” I love seeing him this happy. I love seeing
anyone
this happy.

I loved seeing Livvy this happy, and wonder if I’d ever be able to make her that happy again. As more time goes on, I realize it’s not just about whether or not I can forgive her. By staying silent–by not responding to her letters–I know that I’m giving her more reason to be mad at me.

To distrust me.

To dislike me.

How much is too much? How much can she take?

Why am I testing her like this?

I’m not courageous. I’m a coward for not facing her. Even realizing that, I know I’m still not ready to.

But I’m not sure why.

Audrey waves from the dirt road where she’s parked her old car. She’d told me before she doesn’t like driving it because she’s certain its days are numbered, but it was the only way for her to get to my worksite in the middle of the day.

All the other guys working with me start making catcalls and teasing me as I walk toward her with my backpack in hand.

“Am I embarrassing you?” she asks when I reach her. I’d cleaned up as best as I could in the bathroom we finished earlier in the week, but if I was Audrey, I wouldn’t want a hug from a guy looking like this.

“Are you kidding? A hot girl’s visiting me at lunch. I’m the envy of every one of them, I guarantee that.”

“Well, I wanted to see you before the weekend… thanks for making time for me. I hate the closing shift at work, but Maurice had a death in the family, and I’m the only one who can cover that late… but it certainly doesn’t work well with your schedule.”

“This is a nice change of pace,” I assure her, holding her hand as I lead her through the trees to the opening I’d visited the other day. “I’m sorry we have to have a time limit, though. I only get an hour.”

“I’ll take what I can get.” She squeezes my palm.

“What’d you bring for lunch?”

“We had some leftover pizza,” she answers. “Only enough for one, though.”

“I’ve got my lunch, too. You weren’t responsible for me today… and remember, I’m bringing the picnic Saturday.”

“I won’t forget.”

I clear some leaves from a patch of grass for us and take a seat. “What a view,” she says with a smile. The sunlight does
amazing
things to her eyes. I look away, opening my backpack to get out my sandwich and some water.

“Wouldn’t it be something to have a house up here? To get to see that mountain from your bedroom window? And breathe this air every day?”

“Probably not in the cards for us,” she says.

“Oh, I don’t know. I think it’s fine to dream… and work toward it.”

“I guess it could happen to
you
.”

“Hey, we’re not very different.”

“Except…”

“What?”

“My ex isn’t the child of a billionaire.”

“Ah,” I say with a slight chuckle. “Well… she’s not an ex-
wife
, so I didn’t get half of her things, you know? I never wanted her money. I want to make a living on my own. That was always a point of contention between us.”

“But not the reason you broke up.”

I look over at her curiously, chewing a bite of my sandwich, waiting for her to continue because I suspect she has something more to say.

“I’ve been thinking about finding a way to ask you what happened with Livvy Holland.”

I swallow and shake my head. “I don’t want to talk about it.” Smiling politely, I divert my attention to the mountain in the distance.

“You don’t have to. I looked it up.”

Annoyed that people can find out such personal details about me simply because I was associated with her, I bite my tongue. It’s so intrusive…

How have the Hollands lived with this all of their lives?

“It sounds like she had a really bad day.”

“
She
did?” I ask her defensively. What could Audrey have learned about what happened, anyway?

“From her injury, to them calling her the wrong name at graduation–”

“Huh?”

“They called her by her birth name, apparently. I’d forgotten she was adopted. She apparently stormed off the stage, upset.”

I can’t believe she knows something more about Livvy’s state of mind that day than I do.

“Right,” I say, not wanting to let on that I didn’t know.

“And then she cheated on you with her cousin?”

“Finn’s not really her cousin. She’s adopted, and they’re only distant cousins by marriage. Really, he’s her cousin’s cousin. The tabloids blew that relationship out of proportion. And it wasn’t
really
cheating… I mean, yeah, she kissed him, but she had a concussion, and…”

Audrey sits silently, surprised, waiting for me to continue my passionate rant. “And apparently a really bad day,” I add simply.

My heart is pounding in my ears. The breaths come quickly to keep up. I never thought I’d hear myself defend her, or make excuses for her.

I can feel my cheeks turn red. I’m embarrassed by what I just said.

Livvy kissed another guy! What if it had been the other way around? What if I kissed another girl while I was with her? What if I kiss Audrey
now
?

I look up at her, trying to read her thoughts. She looks suddenly insecure. Her posture changes to a defeated slump. The corners of her lips turn into a faint frown. All the light that the sun had shone into her turquoise irises goes dim.

I feel awful, and feel the need to make assurances to her, but I don’t feel confident enough to do that. I’ve never been more confused.

Maybe I should just kiss her. I
have
to. If I can’t say what she needs to hear, my actions should reflect what she expects of me. If I don’t do something, she’ll think I’m not ready to move on. She’ll think I’m not interested in her.

What am I doing?

“Audrey–”

“Don’t,” she says. “Just don’t say anything. Don’t ruin this, okay?” Her smile is earnest.

“Ruin what?”

“Our friendship,” she says. “If you’re not ready for anything more right now, I get it.”

“I am,” I try to convince her, setting my sandwich down to take her hand in mine. I lean in to kiss her, even though it feels like the absolute worst thing I could do. Livvy will be so hurt.

Livvy will
never know
. I am over her.

But I’m
not
.

Audrey looks down, away from me slowly, avoiding my kiss. I freeze, and sigh in acceptance. I press my lips to her cheek quickly and let go of her hand as I back away.

She picks a blade of grass and rubs it with the pad of her finger. I see the movements out of the corner of my eye as I focus on the mountain once more. Getting over Livvy is going to be a mountainous task. It will take time. And focus. And effort.

And it may not even be possible.

“Thank you,” I tell Audrey. I’m so grateful she stopped me. Something I’d told Livvy at my prom echoes in my head.
I want all of my lasts to be with you.
One kiss would change so much between us. What am I thinking? One kiss already
has
changed so much between us… but one more might destroy us entirely.

Which means I still have hope.
Damn it.

“I don’t want you to regret your time with me… not a single moment we’re together. Okay?”

I smile at her. “I don’t.”

“We already knew this wouldn’t work,” she reminds me. “I don’t think either of us wants a fling.”

I shake my head. “Not really my thing.”

“Me neither, which is why I like you so much. But this isn’t our time, Jon.”

I laugh a little to myself. “I’m not sure whose time it is then.”

“Just yours. And mine. Yours to heal and move on. Mine to get to know a new friend. Who knows? Maybe next summer when you come home again, it’ll be our time.”

“This will probably be the last opportunity I get to spend time out here. I’ve got a full curriculum for the rest of my college career.”

“Really?”

“Yeah,” I tell her. “I’m not sure when my next trip to Utah will be at all. I think my family’s coming to visit me for Christmas, so…”

“Well, then,” Audrey says simply as she starts to eat her lunch, which she hasn’t even touched until now. “Let’s enjoy our last few days, then. And you’ll always have a friend back west that you can talk to.”

“Sounds like a good plan.”

“Maybe I’ll even sneak back up here once the family moves in so you can see how much they love the home you’ve built for them.”

“That’d be nice,” I tell her.

After enduring an afternoon of teasing and tasteless jokes from the guys I work with, it’s nice to be home in the silence of my room. I’m excited to get back to school, even if it means facing Livvy. I want to get back into my classes, and give my brain the challenges my body has endured all summer. I can’t wait for the late-night conversations with Fred, talking about design and philosophy. I’ve never had a friend like him… someone who can keep up with me, mentally, and challenge my beliefs. I wonder what his summer has been like. At the end of the school year, he and his girlfriend had both made the decision to backpack through Europe together. Not only that, but she’s transferring to Columbia for her second year. I’ve met her once, and she’s just as smart as he is.

When she’d come to visit Fred last year, I wondered if she’d be someone that Livvy would be friends with. In the three hours I’d spent with her, I’d decided not to even attempt to find friends for my girlfriend. Fred’s girl was going to be a physicist, and didn’t have a creative bone in her body. I wasn’t sure she and Livvy would have anything in common.

It was one of the first nights I’d wondered if Livvy and I could make things work. I’d begun feeling the strain of her dependence on me. I liked how Fred’s girlfriend was so strong-willed. She spoke her mind, and didn’t care that Fred didn’t share her opinion on things. They embraced their differences.

Olivia and I have such different pasts, but we really are very similar. I open the blinds to the west-facing window of the craft room and sit on the floor next to it, getting ready to watch the sun set. I wonder if Livvy watched the sun set tonight, too–if her focus was to the west, facing me. It seems her attention is on me often, with the letters.

I wonder if she can feel me in the mornings when the sun rises… because I’m always watching, looking back east, thinking about her. At the beginning of the summer, the orange and red hues mimicked my anger, but as the weeks have gone on, the colors have softened. As I work in the mornings, I take in the full view–the deep blue of the night sky as it morphs into daylight, the rays of light that remind me that everyday is a new day, full of new opportunities. Each day, I think of starting over. Somedays, forgiveness is top of mind.

Watching as the sun begins its descent behind the house next door, I wonder if it’s time to stop carrying around the resentment and pity. I open the envelope I’ve had in my hand for the last half hour, waiting for this moment to read her next letter.

I love you, Jon.

When you took the picture of me in the loft, I felt desired. I loved that you wanted to keep that moment with you forever.

I still wish that was a moment that could have stayed ours. The picture was so lovely. Her happiness came easily that day. She was relaxed and comfortable with me. I’m still angry that my roommate violated my privacy like he did. He tainted the sweet innocence of that picture. There was nothing dirty about it. Nothing illicit, but once the rest of the world saw it, Livvy Holland’s image was forever changed.

When the photo showed up in text messages on Camille’s phone, I didn’t know what to think. My first thought was that you shared it with her. Once she said someone else had sent it to her, I knew you weren’t behind it. When people started pointing and laughing at me at school, I felt ashamed.

I want you to know, though, I was not ashamed that day in the loft. It’s horrible that the media can take what was a private, loving moment between two people and twist it into any story they like.

Exactly
.

The day that photo came out, our secrets were finally exposed. In the end, I didn’t care what the rest of the world thought… but addressing my parents that day was one of the scariest things I’ve done.

I’m sure it took a lot of guts to admit what she did that day, but I don’t think she could have been half as scared as I was in the office with her dad. I’d stood up to the man before, but this was different.

He’d asked me about being tested for STDs… I’d never told anyone I had. I’d gone to a public clinic, and I had to fill out a questionnaire to assess my risk of diseases. I remember back to that day, and how my hand was shaking as I answered the questions.

How many people had I slept with?
[Two.]

Within the past three months, how many people had I slept with?
[None.]

Had I participated in anal, oral or vaginal sex?
[No. Yes. Yes.]
Did I always wear a condom?
[Yes.] I now know I couldn’t answer that question the same.

Was I ever paid for sex?
[No.]
Was I ever high or drunk when I was having sex?
[No.]

Had I ever had sex with someone with one of these diseases?
The list was scary. [Not sure.] I never wanted to answer that way again, and was disappointed that I couldn’t answer it definitively at the time.

Have I ever had a tattoo?
[Yes.] I got tested about a week after I got it, because of what happened the night I showed Livvy. We’d gone farther than we ever had before.

I never thought I was at risk of an STD, but when I left the clinic that day, I felt dirty. I’d decided I wouldn’t go any further with Livvy until I knew for certain that I was
clean
.

The day the picture went viral, after I’d assured Jack that I had no diseases, the intensity of the conversation escalated. I was angry he was prying, and he was mad I’d taken his daughter’s innocence.

I’d threatened him. I told him I’d go behind his back to be with her. I’d hoped he hadn’t heard my voice crack, because it did so more than once. There were a few times I actually ran out of breath. My throat was so dry I wasn’t sure how long I’d be able to continue talking.

At the height of our argument, he’d conceded.

He said I was
right
. I’d felt unsteady through most of our conversation, but when he said that, I had to grip onto the chair I’d been standing behind–the only barrier keeping him from throwing me against a wall like I’d seen him do once before with his nephew. I knew what I did to Livvy was symbolically so much worse to Jack than what Brandon had done, but in the bigger scheme of things, I knew he could see the difference. I knew he could see my good intentions with his princess.