Read Dear Neighbor, Drop Dead Online
Authors: Saralee Rosenberg
Dear Neighbor, Drop Dead (9 page)
That’s it! I think I stuck the money in the desk drawer by the computer.”
“Thank you, Lord!” Artie did a dance in the end zone.
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Only it didn’t turn up there. Or in Mindy’s pocketbook, her car, or the desk in the kitchen.
“I hate to ask,” Mindy started, “but what if I didn’t lose it?
What if Aaron . . .”
“Don’t even think it! In fact, if you want to accuse anyone of stealing, it should be Beth.”
“Beth? Yeah right. Savings and loans come to her!”
“Maybe. But if she’s leaving Richard, she might need some quick cash. Not to mention, last night she slept in the den, so she had time, she had motive, and she had opportunity!”
“Well thank you, Lenny Briscoe!” Mindy was near tears. “But think about it. Aaron was staying downstairs, too. Didn’t he have the same time, motive, and opportunity?”
“He didn’t have motive.”
“You don’t know that. There’s a whole family history of drug addiction. What if he’s one of those kids making crystal meth from Dimetapp? What if he’s abusing OxyContin? Oh my God, he could have a stroke, or a seizure, or go into a coma, or—”
“Would you listen to yourself?” Artie snapped. “You’ve got him halfway to Betty Ford with nothing to base it on. Just admit it. You lost the money.”
“That’s the thing. I don’t think I did . . . I’m pretty sure I had it when I got home.”
“Fine. But leave Aaron out of this. He hasn’t done a damn thing wrong.”
“I’m sorry, I’m sorry, I’m sorry. . . . I’m just so upset right now.
. . . I’m sorry.”
Artie nodded. They were both stretched to their breaking points. “Problem is,” he said, “whatever did happen, I don’t think I can put together another five hundred to take with us.”
“Why not? What happened to our overdraft protection?”
“We overdrafted it.”
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“That nice new bank card with the daisies?”
“Blew right past the credit limit to pay our medical insurance, plus I know how much you like heat in the winter. But hey! We’ve still got that two-hundred-dollar gift card for Home Depot.”
“Oh jeez. We are so pathetic. How did we get here?”
“We’re not pathetic. We’re just in over our heads right now.
But next month, we’ll have that new nerd line that Johnny Depp wears. The kids will go crazy for it and sales could double!”
“Hey, Aaron.” She swallowed. “Howz it goin’? Did you find the Cartoon Network?”
“Hey, son,” Artie perked up. “Excited about the trip?”
“I guess,” he shrugged. “Do you hafta call me son? It’s weird.”
“Oh. Really? Okay. Fine.”
Yikes!
“Would you like some breakfast?” Mindy asked. “We’ve got waff les, cereal—”
“Not hungry.” He slouched in a chair.
“Oh come on. No extra charge. Comes with the room.”
But Aaron wasn’t much into humor. Seems in addition to his dark, tight curls, he’d also inherited his father’s quick trigger for tears, like a malfunctioning sprinkler system. Apparently he did not have a song for every occasion.
“Hey. Come on,” Artie nudged his shoulder. “Can’t be that bad. Tell us what’s going on. If you don’t like your choices for breakfast, we can go take a run to the diner.”
Aaron’s face was streaked, his hair matted to his neck. “I can’t do this, man. I can’t go with you. You’re all real nice, but I can’t hack all the questions and everyone lookin’ at me.”
“Oh, you mean like last night when the kids bombarded you with questions?” Artie started to sweat. “They were just excited, but that’s over now. Done and done!”
“I don’t fit in. You’re all so happy like.”
“No c’mon. We’re not happy at all. In fact at the moment we’re 70
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pretty miserable. And I could be your wingman. Make sure everybody gives you space.”
“Yeah,” Mindy added. “And when we get on the ship, you can totally do your own thing. They’ve got tons of activities for teens.”
Artie eyed her. Did Aaron look like the type who would be interested in activities for teens? He needed to hear the cool stuff.
“What she means is they’ve got rock climbing and a basketball court on the ship. And I read that the lobby is nine stories high and—”
“I shouldn’ta come here. . . . My band needs me and my girl needs me, too. . . . They’re all like when ya gettin’ back, man?”
“Okay, look. . . .” Artie gripped an imaginary rod as if he were attempting to reel in a shark. “You’ll be back before you know it, and I know yesterday didn’t go great, but we really want you to give this a chance, give us a chance. . . . We all just need time to adjust. And a cruise is awesome. One big party! You got the sun, the pretty girls in bikinis . . . and it was going to be a surprise, but we’re snorkeling in Cozumel and—”
“I wanna leave tomorrow. I gotta see my mom. She’s in bad shape.”
Leave tomorrow, miss the cruise, and maybe never come back?
This couldn’t be happening. Mindy took Artie’s hand to show support, though to her surprise, he said that he wasn’t going to argue. If Aaron wanted to leave, he could leave. “My dad always says, when a man makes his mind up, then that’s it.”
Wait. What? Since when did Artie quote the great philosopher, Stan Sherman? And what was the deal with him giving in so fast? He hadn’t waited all this time to be dumped at the altar.
A more likely reaction would have been if he locked Aaron in a closet until the limo arrived.
“Hold on,” Mindy said, “let’s just think on this before we do anything crazy.”
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Aaron rocked in his seat as if the music in his head was so much more compelling than listening to old people talk about activities for teens.
“The kids will be so disappointed, honey,” Mindy tried. “It’s all Ricky’s been talking about . . . meeting his big brother. And the girls were just saying—”
“Let it go,” Artie said. “I’ll check online and see if we can change his ticket.”
“But it’s nonrefundable. We’d have to pay the change fee plus a higher fare because it’s not seven days’ notice, and Aaron, to be honest, money is a little tight right now.”
“It’s fine.” Artie headed to the computer. “I don’t want to force him to stay and then have him be miserable the whole week.
We’ll worry about the money later.”
Mindy hoped Aaron might start to hedge, but no such luck, and now she was angry. So typical of kids today, she thought.
Overindulged cowards. The least bit of conf lict and they buckled. If everything wasn’t microwave easy, it was
wah, wah, wah.
And now Artie was acting the same by giving up without a fight.
As soon as he was out of earshot, she sat next to Aaron.
“We’ll do whatever it takes to make you stay. You want to call your mom every day, so what if the ship-to-shore calls cost more than dinner? You want to have a few beers at the pool, so what if you’re underage? You want to—”
“Why are you like buggin’ me? Art said it was cool.”
“No. Art said he wasn’t willing to fight with you and I’m saying you’re a quitter. You made the trip here, now see it through. If you run from this, you’ll run from everything.”
“ ‘And you run and you run to catch up with the sun but it’s sinking.
Racing around to come up behind you again.’ ”
“Pink Floyd. Nice. But forget what they think. I want to know what you think. Did we offend you? Hurt your feelings? Are we scary?” She wiggled her fingers in his face.
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“ ‘I’ d rather laugh with the sinners than cry with the saints. Sinners
are much more fun.’ ”
“Billy Joel. Interesting musical tastes . . .
“ ‘How many times can a
man turn his head, and pretend that he just doesn’t see? ’ ”
Aaron furled his eyebrow.
“Bob Dylan, my friend. ‘Blowing in the Wind.’ You didn’t know that one?”
He shrugged.
“I think you’ve got some studying to do,” Mindy teased.
“ ‘I’m
just a soul whose intentions are good, Oh Lord, please don’t let me be mis-understood.’ ”
“Cocker.”
“Bingo. But you won’t get this one. Perfect for a cruise.
‘I’m
going, I’m going, where the water tastes like wine. We can jump in the
water, stay drunk all the time.’”
“‘Going up the Country.’ Canned Heat.”
“Wow . . . we should switch iPods. I think you’ll be impressed with my—”
“Don’t have one.”
“Really? But you live for music,” she paused. “Well, no problem. We’ll just share. Art has some pretty crazy stuff on his, although you’ll probably hate what the kids listen to.”
“You all have one?” His chin dropped.
“Yeah.” And there it was. Her moment of Zen. So what if theirs was the smallest house on the block? Compared to how Aaron had grown up, he probably thought of the Shermans as rich folk from Long Island, what with their two cars, three computers, and five iPods. And then Ricky had acted so surprised that Aaron had never been to Disney.
While lost in thought, Mindy didn’t notice the envelope lying on the table.
“Oh my God!” she gasped when she saw the familiar bank Dear Neighbor, Drop Dead
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logo. “Where did you . . . how . . . when . . . I knew it, I knew it, I knew it!” She banged the table.
“Sorry.” Aaron drummed with two hands.
“That’s all you can say? Sorry? You stole this from us!”
“Nope.” He banged out a beat. “Ricky did.”
“Right. A six-year-old was looking for an envelope full of cash.
Is he planning to gamble on the cruise?”
“ ‘Because you’re mine, I walk the line,’ ”
Aaron sang.
“Stop it. This isn’t funny anymore. And what does the song have to do with . . . Oh,” she laughed. “Johnny Cash . . . Clever boy, Aaron, but you better tell me what’s going on or I’ll—”
“Okay, all done.” Artie returned. “It nearly killed me, but I did it. Aaron, you have a flight out from LaGuardia about an hour after we leave. A nonstop, too. Flight number ninety-four. You’ll be home tomorrow by noon because you get the few hours back. Happy?”
Aaron said nothing.
“Yes, well before anyone goes anywhere, sonny boy has some questions to answer.” Mindy waved the envelope in Artie’s face.
“Oh my God. Is that the money? Where did you find it?”
“You’ll never guess.” She shot him an I-told-you-so look.
“Aaron told me that Ricky took it. Ricky who picks pennies up off the street and asks people if they dropped them.”
“Aaron?” Artie’s voice went up by a half octave. “Spill it.”
“I did, man. I’m tellin’ the truth. Ricky came down last night and said he found all this money in a drawer and wanted to know if it was enough to go to Disney?”
“Okay, but why didn’t you tell him to put it back?”
“He made me promise not to. Otherwise, no Disney.”
“All right,” Artie said to Mindy. “No harm done. He did the right thing and gave it back.”
“Only ’cause you’re lettin’ me go home.” Aaron drummed on the table.
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* * *
The kids took the news of Aaron’s change of plans better than Mindy expected, though it wasn’t because they were the sympa-thetic sort. They were just very excited to finally be leaving for this much anticipated vacation. As with Aaron who had never been to Orlando, the Sherman kids were the only ones they knew who had never been on a cruise. Most of their friends not only had oft-stamped passports but a familiarity with the baggage restrictions for international travel. So while it would have been fun if Aaron had joined them, it was
woo-hoo,
Mexico here we come!
Artie, on the other hand, was trying to maintain his compo-sure en route to the airport. While the kids were milking every minute of the cool limousine ride, a treat from their grandparents, he stared out the window, unaware that his older son was doing the same.
Mindy tried to bounce between her excited kids and the two somber men, only to realize that she was too drained to focus on either. In fact, she was already fantasizing about a beach chair and a cabana boy . . . located at a different hotel than her family.
Now that would be a vacation!
But the second they arrived at the terminal, it was all chaos and keeping track of kids and suitcases and checking in and praying their bags didn’t exceed the weight limit and calling Stan and Rhoda to find out where they were.
“Looks like we’re all set.” Artie counted baggage claim receipts. “Aaron, you’ll stick with us until we board, and then you’ll go ask which gate you need to go to.”
“Cool.”
“Ready everybody?”
But really. Can you ever be ready for the things you never saw coming?
* * *
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The flight was late, the gate was packed, seats were scarce, and big traveling parties likes the Shermans’ had to scatter to find any place to sit. So much for Artie’s plan to use this time for a family huddle and to give Aaron a chance to bond and feel the love.
Naturally his hope was that he would enjoy all the good-natured kibitzing and wonder if he was about to miss the opportunity of a lifetime. Instead, Aaron got stuck between yoga-posing Aunt Dana and four-year-old cousin Abigail who cried, “Mommy, that boy smells bad.”
Grandpa Stan came over and asked Aaron if he liked sports, and when he replied no, Stan returned to his seat.
Mindy was busy refereeing a fight between Stacie and Jamie over who got to use the Bose headsets. “It’s my turn! Jamie got them in the limo.”
Ricky and his cousin Brandon were racing up and down the aisles, annoying fellow passengers who had to shift their legs every time the boys f lew past.
Meanwhile, Rhoda, whose seat backed up to Aaron’s, talked to Ira about him as if he were in another terminal. “Such nonsense with the tattoos and the earrings,” she snorted. “Wait until he’s in the real world. The only jobs he’ll qualify for are asking, do you want fries with that?” Good old Rhoda. Inappropriate for every occasion.
As for Artie? Mindy went to ask him a question and discovered he was gone. But wouldn’t he have told her if he was going to the men’s room or to buy a magazine? Unless maybe he’d decided to check on Aaron’s f light. Come to think of it, why had no one said a word to her about Aaron’s decision to go home?
Then when Artie didn’t pick up his cell, she asked the family, but per usual, they were clueless. And oh how the mind can wander. Had creditors had him followed and taken him away for late payments? Had security discovered that he’d stashed a water bottle in his carry-on bag and were they questioning his 76
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motives? Or what if a resentful Aaron had tied him up and left him in a bathroom stall because his father had bought an iPod for everyone but him?
“Mom! They’re calling you!” Stacie yelled. “They paged your name on the loudspeaker.”
“They did?” She jumped up. “What did they say? Did anyone else hear it?”
Aaron, not wanting anything to interfere with his sulking, pointed to the gate agent.
Mindy tripped over her pocketbook as she raced to the counter. Sure enough, she had been paged. Mystery solved. Artie had felt chest pains and shortness of breath while waiting in line for coffee and had been taken by emergency medical technicians to the airport clinic.
“Go with her!” Rhoda pushed Stan.
“Me?” Stan waved her off. “I’m not a cardiologist. I can’t help him.”
“Dad!” Ira shouted. “Are you kiddin’ me? You’re a doctor. Go make sure they’re not letting him die on the table!”
“My daddy is dying?” Ricky cried.
“Mommy!” Jamie punched Stacie. “She took my cell phone and won’t give it back!”
“They all have cell phones, too?” Aaron looked faint.
Seven
When you learn that a loved one has possibly had a heart attack, there is no time to think or feel or even worry. As you rush to the scene, your only response is to pray from every pore that a competent doctor is on call and that by the time you arrive, the worst is over and the patient is being given a prescription for heartburn medicine.
You do not expect to find them hooked up to a heart monitor with their nose and mouth covered by breathing apparatus. You do not expect their skin to be as white as the paper on the examining room table. You mostly do not expect them to wink when the doctor isn’t looking.
Mindy’s eyes bugged out. Was Artie sharing this last moment of intimacy before he passed or letting her in on a joke? Because if this was a joke, she was going to wrap the blood pressure cuff around his neck and squeeze the pump until his temples bulged worse than Stan’s.
Turns out the truth, like Artie, lay somewhere in between.
“I was hoping you’d bring Aaron,” he said as Mindy wheeled him out of the clinic.
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“Why? So you could beg him to come with us and say it was the wish of a dying man?”
“Sort of.”
“You are such an asshole. Do you realize how terrified I was?
I could have keeled over from a heart attack just thinking about you having a heart attack. And do you realize that they could have prevented you from getting on the plane right now? You’re lucky that the doctor believed you when you said you were fine.”
“Well, that and the EKG. Everything was normal. And I’m sorry about scaring you. I really was getting coffee when I started to feel chest pains, but I think it was probably from all the worry that my plan had failed and I was out of ideas.”
“Wait. What? This was all part of a plan? Hold on. It’s my cell
. . . bet it’s someone from your lovely family wanting to know if you’re dead or alive, and where did I put the snack bag?”
“Yeah, where is everyone? How come nobody came with you?”
“I tried, believe me. But God forbid anyone should miss the boarding announcement and the first crack at the blankets. Hi.
Yeah, no, he’s fine. They don’t think it was a heart attack, just palpitations from heartburn. We’re on our way back. Oh no.
The f light was delayed again?” She repeated for Artie’s sake.
“Bummer.”
But good news! We won’t have to squeeze in a funeral before
we leave
. Wow. Your dad’s concern for you overwhelms me. Now tell me about this stupid-ass plan of yours, and how come no one has said a word about Aaron not going with us?”
“Because I didn’t tell anyone.”
“Well that was really bright. Don’t you think by day two they’d notice he wasn’t there?”
“I didn’t say anything because he’s still going with us.”
“He changed his mind?”
“No.”
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“You changed his flight again?”
“No, I never changed it in the first place.”
“Artie, are you serious? You lied to him?”
“Hell, yes! They wanted four hundred bucks for a one-way ticket and the only available flight wasn’t leaving until six o’clock tonight. What was I supposed to do? Let him wait around here all day by himself? Besides, I knew if he came with us, he’d end up having a great time.”
“Oh my God! Then what were you doing yesterday when you went on the computer?”
“What do you think? Checking the weather in Mexico and watching Knicks highlights.”
“So this whole thing was planned? You faked a heart attack and hoped he’d say he’d do anything if God saved you?”
“Well no. I wasn’t planning on taking it that far. I thought I might pretend to be sick while we were at the gate and have him realize that he had feelings for me and that it might be nice if he got to spend time with us.”
“Stupid, stupid plan. No teenager in their right mind would want to spend time with us. So now what, Dr. Phil?”
“I don’t know. I guess I’m going to have to level with him. Tell him the truth.”
“That you lied? That you never made him a new reservation?
That he’s going on the cruise and goddamn it, he’s going to have the time of his life?”
“I like how you summed that up. Maybe you should tell him.”
“Forget it. The only thing I’m going to tell him is that his father is an idiot.”
No big surprise when they returned to the gate. The family was exactly where Mindy had left them, with one exception.
“Hello?” Mindy called out. “Anyone notice that Aaron is gone?”
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“Daddy!” Ricky ran over. “You didn’t die . . . can I ride on your wheelchair?”
“Sure. Where is your brother?”
“He’s talking to a giiiirl.” Ricky jumped on his father’s lap.
“Ewwww.”
“What girl? Where?”
“Over there,” he said, pointing to a corner by the window.
“She’s going on the cruise, too, and she has this big tattoo on her tushie.”
“She showed it to you?” Mindy gulped.
“No, silly mommy! She showed it to Aaron. . . . Do you think they’re gonna get married? Nana says you can get married on the ship.”
“Nobody’s getting married on the ship.” Mindy glanced at Artie. “Divorced, maybe.”
“Hey, look.” Artie pointed to a happy-faced Aaron, who was strumming his air guitar. “One miracle requested? One miracle delivered.”
“Not so fast. You have to go tell him the truth.”
Artie nodded and headed to confession, though it was laughter that Mindy heard.
“He’s a smart one all right.” Artie came back. “He knew all along.”
“No way.”
“Yeah. He thought I went too easy on him after my big speech about never letting him out of my sight, so he went on line and found out flight ninety-four goes to London.”
“And he was okay with that?”
“He is now.” Artie high-fived her. “Melissa from Manchester over there sings lead in a girl band and looks like Miss July.”
Even with its vast passenger list, tight living quarters, and assortment of strangers with whom you must mingle, once your Dear Neighbor, Drop Dead
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bags have miraculously been delivered to your cabins and you are settled in, there is nothing quite like cruising for fun and relaxation.
Mindy got right into the flow by settling into a deck chair, as an indebted Artie had given her time off for good behavior before the ship set sail. While he and the kids were running around marveling at the f loating playground, she was taking in the warm rays and reflecting on the most bizarre week of her life
. . . save for the week she got married and Rhoda moved in with her and her mom to make sure the wedding details were being taken care of to her satisfaction.
How had she survived the craziness with Stacie and Beth, the endless e-mails from Rhoda, the encounters with Aaron, the run-in with Stan, the terror over losing all that money, and, finally, Artie’s fake heart attack? She didn’t know whether to laugh or cry, but the cool piña colada along with the warm, tropical breeze was helping to ease the pain.
She was so caught between neurosis and Nirvana, she didn’t care what everyone decided about the sleeping arrangements, as long as she wasn’t rooming with Dana. All she needed was to be woken at dawn for green tea and Tai Chi. “Don’t knock it ’til you’ve tried it,” would be Dana’s mantra, which like a recorded message, would keep repeating on Mindy like a pepperoni pizza.
Make that f laxseed and barley.
What did make Mindy happy was recalling the surprised look on Aaron’s face when her mom presented him with welcome gifts. He didn’t quite know what to say about the *NSYNC
beach towel, which everyone but Helene knew was so yesterday.
But the waterproof watch went right on his wrist, and when he smiled, it deepened the luster of his brown eyes, matching his dad’s like a set of lost luggage that had finally been reunited with its owner.
Maybe Artie was right. This whole family vacation experi-82
