Dear Tabitha (14 page)

“Tabby, I don’t know what to feel right now.” My heart aches, grabbing and pulling in my chest. But my heart is breaking and longing for a child that may or may not be mine. It’s hard not to think about what could have been. I don’t say this out loud, but it’s also breaking for Tabby and what she went through. I stand up and place the album back down on the table. “I need to go.”

“Alex?”

“I can’t be here any longer, Tabby. I need to leave and process all of this. It isn’t every day that you get punched in the gut a dozen times. That’s what this feels like.” But it actually feels worse. I feel eviscerated.

I walk to the door and open it. It feels like I’ve done this way too many times with her. Walked away after she completely destroyed me. How many more times can I do this?

“Goodbye, Tabs,” I say maybe for the last time. She gasps but I don’t turn around.

I.

Just.

Leave.

Past

Age 18

M
Y FIRST
couple of months in Portland have been interesting to say the least. I haven’t even seen Tony, the owner of the club. Dante swears that he exists. But I guess that remains to be seen. Hollie showed me the ropes and I’ve been doing great. Tips have been incredible. My outfit is skimpy, but I’ve gotten over that. My birthday has come and gone. I’m eighteen and I’m officially an adult.

I’ve settled into my apartment, but I’m still trying to make it feel like ‘home’. Since I came here with practically nothing, I’ve had to add a few things here and there. I finally framed the picture of Trina and me that was taken about a month before she died. I’m holding her hand, looking up at her, and she’s smiling down at me. My heart clenches when I think of her. I miss her so much and wish more than anything that I was back in Philly with her. It’s been ten years, but it seems like just yesterday that she died. I close my eyes and picture her beautiful face, hoping that when I open them, she’ll be standing in front of me. I squint and see that I’m still in my apartment.

I take a deep breath, place the picture back on my nightstand, and walk into the kitchen. At the same time, I hear someone fumbling with the lock. I stop and stare at the doorknob. No one has been up here since Dante moved me in.

A man’s deep voice comes from the other side of the door. “
Madre
, this fucking key doesn’t work!”

“
Mi figlio
, let me try mine,” says a woman.

I’m standing in the kitchen as the door opens. A man and a much older woman come through the doorway. My presence clearly startles her while the man smirks.

“Who are you?” she asks.

“Mama, this must be the waitress that Dante told us about.” He turns to me. “Are you?” His stare seems to go right through me. This man is huge, and his eyes look dangerous. His grin turns into a scowl.

“Y-yes. I’m Tabitha,” I stammer.

“See, Mama, I told you it was her.” His eyes travel up and down my body as if he’s trying to undress me. His sinister stare makes my skin crawl. This man is dangerous. I look around for an escape route, but there isn’t one. In order for me to get through the second set of locked doors, I need to call Dante or one of the bouncers. I won’t get past this hulking man even if I tried.

“Tony, leave her be,” the woman says with a scolding tone. She turns toward me with the same scowl on her face. She must be this man’s mother. The resemblance is striking, but she stands at about five feet tall where he is easily over six feet.

“Mama, leave, please. I’d like to spend some time with
Tabitha
. I’d like to see what all the fuss is about.” He turns toward me. “I hear you’ve done very well so far. Pulling in more tips than some of my best dancers. And you’re just a waitress. I’m curious about you.
Yes
.”

The woman turns to leave, and I almost beg her to stay.

“Tony, I’ll be waiting in the club. I ordered your favorite from the chef. Please, don’t be long.” She looks over her shoulder with wide eyes. She looks worried.

The door shuts behind her and Tony turns back toward me. “Why do you look so pale,
Tabitha
? What’s wrong?” He sneers at me.

My heart races and fear takes over. My breathing speeds up. Oh my God, what is this man going to do to me? He makes Richie Lohman look like a cuddly teddy bear.

His menacing eyes follow me as I back up toward the bedroom. “Oh, you aren’t quite ready for me in
there
. Yet,” he says.

What? Holy fuck. “Mister, I’m not looking for any trouble. I just don’t understand what you want,” I sputter. I need to get out of here, but where can I go? There aren’t locks on any of the interior doors, so I can’t put a barrier between us. Not that it would matter, since he looks like he can bust through any door.

“There are so many things that I want, Princess.” He licks his lips as his black eyes lock onto mine.

I shiver, and my knees almost buckle underneath me. My breathing becomes shallow. The burning in my chest begins, signaling the start of a panic attack. This can’t happen now! This man wants to hurt me. How can I protect myself?

He stalks toward me as I cower in the corner of the room. He closes the gap, reaching me in just two or three strides. His hand immediately goes behind my head and grabs onto my hair. He pulls so hard that pain shoots down my spine. I gasp for air, letting out a silent yelp. He brings his face close to mine. The smell of cigarettes is overpowering.

“This is going to be fun,” he growls into my mouth. I try to pull away, but his grasp on my hair is firm. Any small movement sends more excruciating pain down my back. The stubble from his beard digs into the skin on my cheek. He’s rubbing his face along mine, and suddenly, his lips are on my ear. His hot breath on my neck makes me want to vomit. The more I tremble, the faster and harder his lips travel on my neck. One of his giant hands pulls my tank top down, exposing my breasts. He backs up slightly, still firmly clutching my hair, and takes in the sight of my naked torso. Licking his lips again, the snarl is back on his face, and he lowers his mouth to my right breast.

What’s happening? What does he want from me? I whimper when his tongue harshly licks my nipple. My whole body is trembling now, and I’m able to cry out. “No. Please. No!” I try to push him away from me, but he’s like a brick wall. He slows his attack on my breasts so he can chuckle. Pain shoots from my skull when he pulls harder on my hair. He positions my head so that I’m staring into those black, soulless eyes again.

“You see, this is how it works, Princess. You don’t cry or whine or any of this fucking bullshit that you’re trying to pull with me right now.
Understand?
This is my apartment, and I own
everything
in it. That includes you.” He lets go of my hair, and I fall to the floor, trying to cover myself up. I have never been touched like this before. I’m terrified that he’s going to do it again.

“Please, I don’t know what you want from me, but this, I just can’t.” I plead with him, but he cuts me off.

“Shut up. Just shut the fuck up.” He grabs my face with one of his giant hands. He squeezes my cheeks, and I can barely open my mouth. My jaw feels like it’s about to snap.

“I’ll say this one more time so it’s clear. I. Own. You. Now. Got it? You make this easy for me, and things will be simple. You resist me like you are now, and – well, things won’t be so
simple
for you.” He lets go of my face long enough for me to take a breath. Then the back of his hand connects with my cheek and sends me reeling into the wall. My head crashes into the door molding. I’m shaking in fear and pain. I sob uncontrollably and hold my hand against my face. The place where his massive hand made contact is throbbing but numb.

“Now, Princess, show me what I want to see,” he demands.

I don’t even know what he means. What does he want to see? I watch him as I quiver in the corner. He’s staring at my breasts again. I have adjusted my tank top so that I’m now mostly covered, but he has other ideas.

He sits back on the couch and spreads his arms out over the back. “Let me see you.
All
of you.”

“I can’t.” I sob. “Please, don’t make me,” I beg. I taste salt from the tears streaming down my face.

“You’re doing this on your own, or with my
help
. So get on with it. Either way, I’ll enjoy it.”

I don’t want his hands on me again. Ever again. I quickly fumble for the straps of my tank and pull them down. My nipples immediately harden from the cold air.

Tony’s breath hitches. “Touch them,” he commands.

Touch myself? I can’t do this. “I ca-“ I’m unable to get the words out.

He jumps from the couch again and presses me back against the wall. He grabs my hand, roughly puts it over my breast, and uses his fingers to pinch mine together. “I want to see you do this.” He forces my fingers to grasp my nipple as his tongue travels down my neck. “Now, show me what I want.” He frees me and goes back to the couch again.

I’m crying hysterically now, but that doesn’t faze him at all. I hesitantly bring my other hand to my breast so that I can grab and pinch both of my nipples between my fingers. I close my eyes so I can’t see him.

“Open your eyes, Princess,” he commands.

I follow his instructions, and with each task, I’m getting more and more self-conscious. I don’t understand why he is doing this to me.

“Pants. Off.” His menacing eyes tell me what I need to know. If I don’t do what he says, he’ll force me. I slowly remove my yoga pants, leaving my panties firmly on my body. I look up at him as I tremble. “Turn around.” I start to spin in place. “Slow.”

I face the wall and bring my hands to my face. Why is this happening? I hear him get off of the couch, and I feel his chest against my back. His hands are on my breasts again, pinching and pulling. He presses himself against my ass. Oh my God, I can feel his erection. I feel nauseous and try to pull away. This only makes him more determined. He reaches down between us and rips my panties from my body. His calloused hand travels over my ass, down between my legs. Please, no! I don’t want him to touch me there. I whimper and clamp my legs together, trapping his hand between my thighs.

“Do you really think you can stop me, Princess? Why do you keep trying?” He snickers. He uses his knee to pry my thighs apart. My face is pressed into the hard wall as his mouth travels down my neck and over my shoulders. His teeth graze my shoulder as a finger pushes into me. I gasp and gag as he says, “You’ll want this soon enough. You’ll beg me for it.” His erection presses into my ass again. He laughs as he removes his finger from me. I fall to the floor, and curl into a ball. My breathing is erratic. My ears are ringing. I want to die. Or pass out. Please. I can’t handle what I know is coming next. I’ve never been with a man before. With anyone like that. I close my eyes and wait.

The door opens again and I hear a woman’s voice. “Tony! I told you that I ordered your favorite. Stop with this girl and let’s eat.”

I continue to gasp for air and open my eyes. She has a look of fear on her face. Is she worried about me? Jesus, why did she leave me in the first place?

“Mama, I was just finishing up.”

“Let’s go, now,” she commands. Her eyes meet mine, and she nods.

He comes over to me one last time, wraps his hands through my hair, and pulls me to him. His lips press against my ear as he snarls, “Next time, you listen and do what I tell you. Understand? I
always
win.”

I drop back to the floor when he releases me.

As Tony and his mother leave the apartment, I notice that he has my backpack slung over his shoulder. No! All of my money is in there. I need that money to survive, to live. Oh my God! He’s taken everything from me. The door locks in place, and I’m trapped once again.

And this time, I fear there is no escape.