Dear Tabitha (35 page)

“Really?” she asks as she looks up into my eyes. Her face is swollen and streaked with tears. Her eyes are puffy and bloodshot from crying. “Is she really in Heaven and can she see me right now?”

“Yes, she can see you from Heaven,” I reply as Sara looks up toward the ceiling.

“Nona,” she sobs as her body begins to tremble. “Nona, I love you. I hope you feel better now that you are in Heaven.” She breaks down again and throws herself back into my arms. “It hurts, Tabby. It hurts so much! I don’t want to say goodbye. I want Nona back here with us.” She’s crying uncontrollably, and all I can do is rub her back while she lets it all out.

“I know. It’s going to be okay. It may not feel like it right now, but I promise that it gets better,” I say into her hair. “I’m here, Sara, and I’m never leaving you.”

We sit like this for hours, cuddled together on my couch. She drifts in and out of sleep and fits of crying. She’s incoherent at times and I never let go of her.

My phone buzzes on the coffee table and I quickly reach over to grab it. It’s Kirsten.

“Hi,” I whisper.

“Are you okay? Is Sara okay?” she asks. She’s clearly worried about the both of us.

“As good as we can be,” I reply, checking to see if Sara is still asleep. She stirs in my arms slightly, but she’s out cold.

“I’ll be there in a few minutes. You need a break,” she says as she hangs up.

What does she mean? I don’t want to leave Sara. I glance at the clock and see that it’s after ten. Her bedtime was two hours ago, and I doubt she’ll get up at this point, but I still feel bad leaving her. I don’t want to leave her. Ever.

Kirsten is here within fifteen minutes and settles onto the couch next to me. “Go,” she urges. “Alex is at the High Note waiting for you. Get out of here for a few hours, okay? I’ll stay with Sara.”

I reluctantly stand. “Are you sure? What happens if she wakes up and I’m not here? I promised her that I would never leave her. I don’t want her to be scared.”

“I’ll text you if she starts to stir. Tabby, you need to go see him. It’s going to be fine. I promise,” she says as she narrows her eyes. She’s giving me her stern look, and I know she’s got things covered.

“Okay, I won’t be gone long. Thank you,” I say as I leave my apartment.

I walk the few blocks to the bar, trying to clear my mind of today’s events. I wish that I didn’t have to give Sara the news about Marta. It broke my heart to see her fall apart when she realized that her grandmother is gone. It’s time for me to step up and be her mother. To protect her from all of the pain that this cruel life can dish out.

As I near the bar, I remember that Alex spent time with the Finnegans today. I hope he’s okay and that it went well. I’ve been so preoccupied with Sara that I completely forgot to check in with him.

I walk into the High Note and the crowd is larger than normal. I scan the room trying to find Alex. My heart drops when my eyes reach our booth.

A scantily clad girl is draped over him and all I see is her back. She’s nuzzling into his neck and I want to vomit. What the fuck? I feel like I’m going to be sick.

I turn right around and leave the bar, running back in the direction that I just came from. Tears sting my eyes and the familiar feeling of regret seeps back into my chest. What the fuck is going on? He flew out to Portland to be with me. He told me that he still loves me. I start to jog when I hear someone yell my name.

“Tabby. Wait!”

It’s Alex. I don’t wait, I run faster.

I reach my apartment building as the sky opens up. Rain pelts me in the face as I search for my keys. I’m sobbing when I feel him wrap his arms around me from behind.

“Tabs, don’t do this. What you just saw was nothing! You need to let me explain.” He’s begging me as he pulls me tighter against him.

I start to struggle, but his grasp is too tight. “What the fuck did I see then, Alex?” I scream. I’m so angry and I just want to pummel him. We’re getting soaked, but we’re frozen in place. I feel his forehead against my back.

“It was nothing. She literally threw herself on top of me seconds before you walked in the door. She was wasted and couldn’t get the hint that I wanted nothing to do with her,” he says as he pulls me tighter against his chest.

“Who is she?” I whisper as the tears and rain mix on my cheeks.

He hesitates. “It’s Stacy,” he answers. “From Bitter Pill.”

I struggle in his arms and try to pull away from him again. “Alex, let me go.” Stacy from Bitter Pill? Motherfucker! I’m livid and I don’t want to hear his explanation.

He releases me and I stumble forward out of the rain and into the covered doorway.

“You need to listen to me, okay? She’s nothing to me. Nothing at all. She’s persistent, but I’ve never laid a hand on her. Ever.” His eyes lock on mine as the pouring rain soaks him. He stares into my eyes without flinching. Without wavering. “I love you, Tabs. You. Only you.”

I blink and swipe tears from my cheeks. “Alex, I don’t know what to say. I needed you tonight, and what I saw when I walked in? I just – I can’t…” I look away, shaking my head. I can’t do this again. What is it about jealousy that destroys us? For so long, he was fixated on what Seth meant to me. Am I going to be able to get past seeing him with
her
on his lap
?

He reaches forward and grabs my shoulders. “We can’t let something like this get in our way again! Nothing happened. Nothing!” He’s shouting at me and I cringe. I want to believe him. “What you saw was a very drunk slut throw herself at me. That’s it.”

His eyes are now pleading with mine, “Please, Tabby. Please believe me. I need you. I love you.” His last words are whispered as he pulls me against his soaking wet body. “Please, don’t let this end. We are starting to get back what we had. Don’t you see? Don’t you feel what I feel? God, Tabby.” His lips caress my cheek and slowly travel to my neck and underneath my ear. “I love you. Only you.” He pulls back a little and then places soft kisses over each of my eyes, kissing away all of my tears. “This is our chance to start over. We’re meant to be together,” he says softly as he brushes my nose with his and holds my face firmly in his hands. He pulls me toward him so that our lips touch.

“Alex,” I say softly against his mouth.

He doesn’t wait for me to continue as he deepens our kiss. I want this more than anything. I need him. I need to trust him and trust in us. His tongue dives into my mouth as his lips assault mine. I give into everything that he pulls from me. Every ounce of my restraint melts away. I believe him. I believe that he wants this. That he wants us. My body begins to tremble in his arms and my legs feel weak.

He presses me against the wet brick wall of my building and pries my legs open with his knee. “God, I want you so bad,” he moans into my mouth.

“Alex,” I pant as his arousal presses into my belly, “not here. Not now. Not this way.” I gently press on his arms to push him away so that we’re looking into each other’s eyes. My body is fighting my mind. I want to pull him back against me.

“We can’t do this right now,” I say as he slowly nods in agreement. “Kirsten is upstairs with Sara. Alex, Marta died. I told Sara tonight.” I begin to cry as he pulls me tight against his chest. “She was devastated, Alex. She was crying and sobbing, and it reminded me of when Trina died. She needs me and I need to know that I can be there for her. I’m so afraid that I can’t do this right for her.” I sob as my self-doubt creeps into my head. I don’t know if I have the strength that she needs from me.

“Yes, you are strong enough, Tabby. I know it’s hard right now, but just be there and show her that you’re not going anywhere. Show her that you love her. Comfort her. Cry with her. She’ll know and understand.” He pauses then says, “After Pops died, Dax’s family was there for me, especially his mother. She would let me cry myself to sleep for days, weeks, months on end. She held me every single time and didn’t let me go. She never tried to answer my questions. She just listened to me and let me release my anger, grief, and sadness. I screamed and cursed my father’s name for so long, and she just let me. I never realized how important her comfort was until now. I can be there for you. For Sara. Please let me.”

The tension lifts from my body as I suddenly realize that I don’t have to do any of this alone. Sara needs a family and I want to give one to her. Alex and I still have some road to pave in front of us, but he’s here right now, offering himself to me and to Sara.

“I want that,” I say as I place my head against his chest. We’re soaking wet now, and I begin to shiver uncontrollably.

“Shit, Tabs! We need to get inside. Where is your key?”

“I think it’s in my pocket,” I whimper as I shake in his arms. I feel him reach into my jacket and I hear the jingle of my keys as he lets us into the building. He lifts me and I wrap my legs around his waist as he carries me up the stairs.

“Are you okay? I don’t want to bring you inside if you’re not calm enough. If Sara is awake, it might upset her,” he says softly into my ear as he lowers my feet to the floor. I feel his warm breath on my neck as he places kisses from my cheek to my lips. I inhale deeply as his mouth finds its way to mine again, softly kissing and nipping. “Are you warm yet?” He moans softly against my mouth.

I’m actually on fire and need him more than he can imagine.

“Mmm hmm …” I say against his lips.

“You sure? I can get you warmer,” he says as he crushes his mouth against mine again. We make out like teenagers outside my apartment, as though I’m late for curfew, and he’s stealing the last few kisses from me before I’m called inside.

We’re both panting when the lock turns on my door.

“Tabby?” Kirsten whispers from inside.

I quickly pull away from Alex and he turns to adjust himself.

“Yes, it’s me. It’s us,” I whisper back to her as she opens the door slowly.

“What are you guys doing out here?” she asks as her eyes wander over the both of us. She covers her mouth with her hand. “God, you guys are soaked! Get in here and get out of those wet clothes before you both freeze to death.”

Alex grins and grabs my hand, pulling me inside.

Sara is curled up on the couch, sound asleep.

“How is she?” I ask.

“She hasn’t moved at all. She’s been asleep since you left.” She grabs her coat and purse. “Goodnight.” She smiles at me then turns to face Alex. “It’s good to see you again, Alex.” She leaves and quietly closes the door behind her.

We face each other and he reaches out and pushes my wet hair away from my eyes. His finger lingers on my cheek and he smiles. “I love you so much, Tabs. So fucking much.”

I reach up and place my hand over his, leaning into his caress. “Thank you.” I can’t believe that I’m hearing those words again, and it feels like it’s the very first time. “I love you, too,” I say as my eyes stare into his. “You have no idea how much it means to me to have you here with me and Sara.” I look over at my daughter asleep on the couch.

He nods and walks over to her. He scoops her up, walks past her bedroom, and carries her into mine. I shrug off my wet jacket and wait for him to return.

“She shouldn’t be alone tonight,” he says as he starts to strip off his wet clothes. “I’ll sleep in her room. You go be with her.” He smiles as he walks toward me and pulls me into a tight embrace. “I’ll be right here if you need me. I’m here for you and Sara. I will be, always.” He kisses my forehead and then whispers, “Goodnight, Tabs. I love you.”

He walks into Sara’s room. The thought of him sleeping in her pink, frilly bed surrounded by her princesses and stuffed toys makes me giggle.

I undress and slip into warm pajamas. I don’t have much to offer Alex to wear, but he can’t sleep in wet clothes. I grab my oversized, pink robe from behind my door and carry it to Sara’s room. He’s still undressing when I toss the robe onto her bed.

“Sorry, this is all I have.” I smile and turn to leave. He rushes over and grabs me from behind. I try to stifle a giggle as he nuzzles into my neck.

“Alex, it’s not the time or place,” I whimper, but I long for so much more.

He kisses my neck and gently releases me. When I turn around to face him, he has the robe on and is tying the rope around his waist.

“Wow, you look – just wow.” I grin as I leave the room.

As difficult as this day has been for Sara and me, having him here makes me feel safe. Protected. He’ll be here to help me get Sara through the tough times. He’ll hold her with me and cry with her. Try to answer her questions and allow her to grieve.

I crawl into bed next to Sara and pull her against me. She’s only been here a few days, but I would give my life to protect her. I want her pain to go away. I want to see the smile and light back in her eyes. I’ll do anything for her.

As I drift off to sleep, holding my little girl in my arms, I realize that I didn’t get the chance to talk to Alex about his visit with the Finnegans. I suddenly feel terrible that we’ve been focused on me and my issues today.

I vow to not only be there for my daughter, but also for Alex. I need to help him continue to heal from the decision that I made about Emily. He needs to know that I love him and that we are now in this journey together.

I’m ready to start again. Fresh.

I’m ready to build my family.