Dear Tabitha (8 page)

Present

Age 24

M
Y PHONE
buzzes next to my pillow. Shit, what time is it? I crashed hard when I got home from wandering around the city today. Alone.

I look at the caller ID. It’s Dax. Fuck, I’ve been avoiding him since I saw Tabby a few days ago. I don’t think I’m ready to tell him what happened. I hesitate, and then answer the phone.

“Yeah?” I yawn.

“Dude, are you asleep?” he asks the obvious question. “You were supposed to meet me at the High Note over an hour ago. Wake up and get your ass here already.” He sounds annoyed.

“I’m not sure I’m up for it. I’ve had a –“ I stop myself from telling him about the past few days. “I’m just tired.” I don’t want to talk about Tabby. Not now. Not with him. I’m just not ready.

“Not a good enough excuse. Get here now.” I hear him disconnect and toss my phone back onto my pillow.

Fuck. He’ll keep calling me if I don’t show up.

~

I get to the High Note thirty minutes later and see Dax in a booth. He’s alone with a pitcher of beer in front of him. That’s
not
what I need tonight. I walk over and slide onto the bench across from him.

“Glad you made it.” He smirks and takes a generous gulp of his beer. A waitress shows up, and I order some wings and water. “Nice to see you’re sticking to your guns, bro.”

I vowed off booze and drugs after all of the crap that went down with Stacy and the tour. I got myself into trouble a couple of times, and getting wasted was the source of all of my problems. Too many fights, too many misunderstandings and Stacy. What a disaster. I haven’t been great at sticking to this resolution, but I do my best. I have a feeling tonight will put some pressure on that.

“Yeah,” I answer. “So what’s the big deal, and why did you demand that I join you?”

He nods his head and gestures toward the far end of the bar. My heart starts to race when my eyes lock onto what he’s talking about. Shit. She’s here.

“Tabby,” Dax says. He has no idea that I saw her the other day.

I can’t be here right now and he needs to be told this. “Not a good idea to bring me here, Dax. You should have told me she was here when you called me.” I’m pissed off right now. Fuck.

“Alex, you vowed to talk to her as soon as you got home, and I’m just making it easy for you to do that. So go. Talk to her.”

He’s been hoping for us to reconcile since admitting to me on the last leg of our tour that he thinks she’s the only way I’ll be happy. He told me how good he thought Tabs was for me, and he completely overlooked the fact that she cheated on me. Over the course of the year that we dated before all hell broke loose with Seth, she and Dax worked through their differences and actually became friends. She started to see through his tough exterior and knew that he treated her the way he did because of his brotherly bond with me.

While Dax wasn’t happy with what she did with Seth, he still thinks that she’s the best thing that’s ever happened to me. I can’t say that I disagree with him. She
is
the best thing that’s ever happened to me. Shit.

“Listen, Dax, you don’t understand. I did see her. The other day.” I glance over to be sure she hasn’t spotted me. She and Kirsten are huddled together at the bar with a bunch of empty shot glasses scattered in front of them. They seem engrossed in conversation and oblivious to everything around them. Tabby has a strange look on her face as if she’s contemplating something serious. I need to know what they’re talking about. What has her looking concerned?

“Oh?” He leans back and stretches his arms across the back of the bench. “And how did that go?”

I flag down our waitress and order some shots of whiskey. There goes my resolution, but I need to feel numb. Dax frowns at me but says nothing. She returns quickly with the shots. I toss back two, and let the warmth settle in my belly before I speak again.

“She’s doing great. She’s fucking great.” I am not sure if I’m happy that she moved on without me.

“You seem surprised and pissed,” Dax says.

“I don’t know what to feel. While I was there, I went through every emotion. But bottom line? She’s so much stronger than she has ever been.” I take another shot of whiskey and wince. “And I’m kind-of proud of her. This is fucked up, right?” I’ve never seen Tabby so strong and sure of herself, even after I scared the shit out of her when I showed up. I shudder again as I picture the terrified look in her eyes. What did she think I was going to do to her? I could never hurt her. Ever.

His smirk returns. “You’re proud of her? Hmm. That’s a huge swing in feelings from just a few weeks ago.” He swigs his beer and smiles. “I’m glad to see it.”

I swallow my fourth and fifth shots then signal to our waitress for more. Numbness and calm wash over me, but I need more.

“Okay, Alex. I think that’s enough, don’t you?” I can tell he doesn’t want to say it, but he does. “I can’t always be there to get you out of trouble, and Jesus, you swore off booze, remember?”

The waitress places two more shots and a pitcher of water on the table in front of me. I take that as a hint.

“Don’t worry about me. I’ve got this under control.”

Do I? I’m feeling the familiar buzz from the whiskey, and look over to see if Tabby is still at the bar. She is, but I look away. I want her so bad. I want to erase the years lost between us. I want her to be mine again and make her forget about every second that she spent without me. With Seth. I shake my head and swipe at my eyes.

“So, here’s the short story.” I slam a shot back, choke on it, and look at Dax. “She’s happy. Or at least she
was
until I showed up the other day. She practically freaked out when she saw me. I thought she was going to have one of her panic attacks. Anyway, she eventually calmed down and realized I wasn’t going to hurt her.”

“Wait, what?” Dax interrupts me, looking concerned. “She thought you were going to
hurt
her? Dude, not good. What the fuck?” His anger flares, and I realize he thinks the worst.

“I was angry when I got there, and I think I may have scared her. But I would NEVER hurt her. Ever. I’m not like Pops and I never will be.” Shit, I feel even worse about my interaction with her. “You believe me, right?” I am not like
him.
I would never hurt a woman. I would never hurt her.

“Of course you’re not like him. At. All. But you need to keep your temper under control. Take a look in the mirror the next time you’re angry. You get fire in your eyes.”

“She’s not with Seth anymore. She’s alone,” I blurt out as I down my last shot. I lick the whiskey off of my lips, making my tongue tingle and glance over at the bar again. Tabby looks angry and is shaking her head violently. I feel sick to my stomach, thinking that I am making her feel this way. I try to figure out what she’s talking about. Maybe she’s angry with me. Telling Kirsten what an asshole I am.

“Oh?” Dax replies, bringing my attention back to him. “Interesting development.”

I shake my head. “There isn’t a development, Dax. Do you really think I would take her back?” I say angrily, trying to stop his line of questioning. This is a lie, though. I would take her back, and every ounce of me today wants to make that happen.

Shit, I’m drunk. I feel woozy as I look over to where Tabby and Kirsten sit at the bar. I have to squint to see them. They are still engrossed in what seems to be heavy conversation, but it looks like they just made a decision. They both look over at me and catch my stare. Shit. Tabby looks like she’s going to be sick. They slide off of their stools and hesitantly walk toward Dax and me. I stop breathing when I see her standing in front of me.

Kirsten hiccups and then squeals, “Dax! Alex!”

And just at this moment, Garrett and Tristan appear. It’s a fucking reunion.

Tabby looks at me and our eyes lock onto each other. Hers glisten and her nose is pink like she’s been crying. Shit. I feel terrible. I’m sure she was telling Kirsten all about my visit the other day. About how I scared her.

“Ladies, so very nice to see you again.” Garrett slides into the booth next to Dax.

“Kirsten, after you.” Tristan winks and gestures for her to slide into the semi-circle next to Garrett. This forces Dax to scoot around near me, leaving the only open spot at the table next to me. I’m still holding her gaze and nod toward the bench. She’s the last one left standing and has no choice but to sit next to me.

She sits down and looks around the table. “Hi everyone. It’s – it’s nice to see you all again.” She looks down at her hands before quickly putting them under the table.

“Oh, it’s our pleasure,
Tabs
. It’s been ages.” Sarcasm rolls off of Garrett’s tongue. He just can’t help himself. He’s always given Tabby a hard time, and now is no different.

Thankfully, Tabby ignores the remark and looks past me to Dax. “Hi, Dax, Tristan,
Garrett
.” She speaks through gritted teeth. She’s drunk, too, but her confidence seeps through her comment.

“It has been ages!” Kirsten slurs. “Tristan, it’s
so
good to see you.” She leans into him and smiles. If she only knew how much he thinks about her, she’d be stoked. It’s obvious she is totally into him. Tristan is a ladies’ man and has had his share of hookups, but there’s always been something about Kirsten that he’s completely drawn to. He lets her relax into his side.

Kirsten starts saying something to Tristan, but I’m not paying attention. I feel Tabby’s thigh right next to mine and all I can think about is her. Being next to her. The heat from her body touches me and I want to wrap myself around her. I reach my hand under the table, and when I graze the hand at her side, she flinches and her breath hitches. She doesn’t move away from me, so that’s a good sign. The whiskey gives me courage and I don’t want to stop. I can’t stop.

My hand grazing her knee feels so familiar and I want more. She tenses a little and I feel the beat of her heart in her knee. Or is that mine? This used to be so natural between us and I want to keep going.

I lean close to her so that my lips are near her ear and whisper, “Let’s go talk someplace.”

She trembles at the sound of my voice, and holy shit, I’m instantly hard. Fuck, inappropriate response.

“Okay,” she says and stands. I scoot out of the booth without looking back at anyone. I place my hand on her lower back and guide her to a secluded booth in the back of the bar. She shivers in response to my touch. I twitch inside my jeans.

We sit across from each other and don’t say a word for a few minutes. She seems relaxed. Drunk, but relaxed. I smile at her.

“Wow, that’s the first smile I’ve seen on your face in a very long time.” She grins.

“Yeah. Well, I wish things would have gone…” What am I trying to say to her? That I wish things were different? Better? I continue, “Well, a little differently the other day. I need to apologize again for scaring you. It’s not what I intended.” What I want now is so much more, all of her.

Her eyes harden a little as she stares at me. “Alex, let’s not talk about it again. I don’t want to re-live it. Okay?” She looks toward the other booth to see Tristan and Kirsten leaving.

She giggles. “Well, that didn’t take long.”

“No, I suppose it didn’t.” Okay, light conversation. I can do this. “You know, Tristan talked about her a lot when we were on the road. I think he’s been looking forward to seeing her again.”

She smiles again. “Sorry, but I’m not spilling any of my private conversations with Kirsten about him.”

“Oh? So there
are
conversations. I think that bodes well for Tristan.” I wink.

I want to erase the other day, so it’s like it never happened. This little chat may help do that.

“So, do you still work at the diner?” I ask. More small talk.

“Oh. Yes, every once in a while. Maybe a few days a month. I’ve tried to quit, but they won’t let me.” She chuckles and looks down at her hands. My eyes follow hers and I just want to wrap my hands around hers to feel her warmth. When I look up, she catches my stare.

“You’re a good waitress, always very friendly.” Fuck. I shouldn’t have said that. She met Seth in the diner, and I don’t want her to think I’m being a dick. “You know, you are very attentive.” I’m drunk and I should just stop talking.

“Well, the diner is always good for a few bucks. I love the people there, especially Dottie. Also, Kirsten has been really great to me, and I basically run the bookstore. I’m the store manager now.”

She seems very proud of herself. She’s never been proud of herself or anything she’s done. She really has changed and
I’m
proud of her. I need to tell her.

“I’m so proud of you, Tabs.” I reach across the table and place my hand over hers. She pulls away and fidgets in her seat. I’m upset that I may have overstepped my bounds, but I just want to touch her. I wish she’d let me.

“Thanks. Really.” Her eyes grow glassy.

“So, what were you and Kirsten talking about at the bar? You both looked so intense.” I’m being nosey, but I seriously want to know.

She looks nervous, and I can tell she doesn’t want to talk about it. “Um…” She stops and shakes her head. “Whoa! I’m a little dizzy. Tequila shots. Haha.”

Tequila? I’ve never seen her drink anything like that. She’s evading my question. Do I push her?

“Alex,” she pauses and takes a deep breath, “what are we doing here?”

She’s avoiding my question, but I don’t pry.

“Old friends just catching up,” I respond, but we aren’t old friends. What the hell made me say that? I want to tell her that I made a mistake. That I never should have left her the way that I did. I should have given her the chance to explain to me what really happened with Seth. I should have given her the benefit of the doubt, despite what I saw. I loved her too much to do what I did. But I don’t say any of this as she looks into my eyes.

“We’re not old friends,” she whispers, her eyes glistening with tears. She shifts in her seat. “I’m gonna go. I’m drunk and tired, and this all feels pretend. You know? None of this is real right now, so I’m going to go home and go to sleep. Pretend like none of this happened.” She stands up and walks away.