Death on the Installment Plan (63 page)

As the padre was leaving, we’d asked him to write out his address, his name, street, and so on … but he’d flatly refused … He wanted to be anonymous. That puzzled us … He was an oddball all right! But a lot less than a good many other people … He was a corpulent man, he looked very healthy, and he was neat and clean-shaven, about the same age as Courtial … but completely bald … In his spells of enthusiasm he stuttered like a machine gun … The way he writhed and wriggled, he almost fell off his chair! … He struck us as mighty optimistic … certainly eccentric … But one thing he’d proved was that he had plenty of dough … He was a real backer … The first we’d ever seen … Let him be a little weird …

On the way back from the main post office with the cart, we passed right in front of the police station on the rue des Bons-Enfants. “Stop a minute!” I say to the old man. “Dare me to go tell him? … I just want to let him know that everything’s OK.” I get this fool idea of pushing some weight around … of telling him we had plenty of cabbage … I run over, I open the door … The coppers recognize me:

“Hiya, Butch,” says the one at the desk. “Watcha doing around here? Like to stay a while?”

“Oh, no,” I say. “No, sir … The clink’s not for me. I was just passing by. I thought I’d drop in and show you a little currency …” And I take out my four bills … I wave them under his nose … “Take a look,” I say … ”And they’re not stolen … I just wanted to tell you that it’s for a new contest … The diving bell!”

“Dive, dive!” he says. “I’ll dive you! … Are you trying to kid me, you little snot-nosed asshole?”

I ran out even faster than I came … I didn’t want them to jug me … We had a good laugh in the street … We galloped a ways with the cart … We made it fast as far as the rue du Beaujolais …

Naturally that kind of a competition, to recover sunken treasure, was going to draw a crowd … Our share as the organizers was fixed at sixteen percent of everything that was brought up … That wasn’t unreasonable! Even so, on the Armada alone, reckoning it close without forcing the figures, that made about three million for us … Not bad! …

I’ve got to admit that the old cutie didn’t think it was all in the bag … She smelled a slight rat … She still had her suspicions … Even so, she didn’t dare to say anything … After all it was a miracle … She wasn’t swept off her feet … She just kept her eye on the cash …

Courtial threw himself into the thing body and soul … head over heels … He could already see those sparklers piled up on the beach, emeralds by the fistful … mountains of gold dust … ingots … The whole treasure of the Incas, pumped from the galleys … “We are the looters of the deep,” he’d roar through the house … He skipped and gamboled over the piles of paper … And then suddenly he’d stop, he’d tap his head. “Wait a minute, my sugar bun! We haven’t divided it up yet …” He’d lay out four columns in red ink … He was very strict about sharing the spoils … Fiercely meticulous … he foresaw the worst kind of trouble. This was no laughing matter … He took every possible precaution. He drew up an agreement!

“Never mind, angel pudding, you don’t know them … You don’t know what they’re capable of … I deal with them every day, I know what we’re up against … I’ve seen backers … and inventors too, I know what I’m talking about … I’ve been handling them for forty years … And now I’m caught between two fires … Ah! Exactly! … I don’t want to be crushed! … fleeced! … drawn and quartered! just when things start popping … at that very moment! Oh no, hell no, not on your tintype … Hell’s bells! … The pen in one hand, Ferdinand. Quick! And in the other the scales! And across my knees a carbine! That’s it. There’s Courtial for you! To the life! Justice! Respect! Presence! I’ve seen my brilliant inventors … as sure as I’m here talking to you … create marvels … absolutely stupefying wonders … throughout my long career! And nearly always … take it from me … for beans! For cheese! For glory! For less than nothing! … Genius is left to rot! That’s the exact truth! It doesn’t sell! It goes begging! It’s
gratis pro Deo
. Cheaper than matches … But suppose you try to be nice, with your heart on your sleeve! You want to do something for them, an unprecedented kindness! Sure! You believe in this bozo’s song and dance! You want to encourage the scientist … dress the martyr’s wounds … you come around in all innocence, bringing a small sardine … The martyr jumps sky-high! It’s an affront … Everything’s changed … revolutionized … Everything collapses! A flash of lightning and hell opens … Your genius turns jackal! Vampire! Leech! The hounds are unleashed … carnage! … an atrocious massacre! To get the money out of you they disembowel you on the spot! … crucify you! vaporize you! No quarter given! The soul is forgotten! Nothing counts but gold! Gold! So be careful! Take it easy, take it easy, pal! You want to search the depths? Why, for a hundred francs divided up wrong, I know those zebras, they’d blow up the terrestrial globe! That’s right … so help me … I’m not exaggerating! I’m in a good position to know … To our documents! To our documents, Ferdinand! Keep your powder dry! Letter-perfect documents! notarized! initialed! deposited before noon with Maître Van Crock on the rue des Blancs-Manteaux … An excellent notary! in triplicate … Our share first! And stipulated in capitals! Airtight! Oleographic! No dubious arguments! No underhanded finagling! No, never! Oh providential padre, you’ll soon have plenty to dive with! Ah, the poor innocent! He hasn’t the faintest idea! Diving bells! … Why, before the month is out, they’ll be bringing in three or four a day! What am I saying? A dozen. And meeting our specifications! … Two thousand feet? … Four thousand? … Six thousand? … I’m not the least bit worried. Oh no, I won’t breathe a word … No snap judgments … I’ve got to be impartial … I don’t want to seem prejudiced … I’ll wait for the day of the trials … Very well! … But unless my memory deceives me, I’ve already written some very well-documented articles on that very question … Let’s see … Maybe I’ll remember the exact dates … It was before we were married … Around ‘84 or ‘86 … Just before the Amsterdam Congress … the Submersible Exhibition … Maybe I can lay hands on them … They must be around somewhere … I explained it all … It was in the Supplement … Say, it all comes back to me! … It was in
The World Upside Down
… I can see that bell plain as day … Reinforced of course … with triple bolts … and double-guaranteed walls and a ferromagnetic top … So far it’s perfectly simple … Cushions threaded to the thousandth of a centimeter around the ballast … That’s it! Irido-bronze rivets … absolutely impervious to the action of the sea water … Not a single acid spot after years in the water! … Tempered in chlorido-sodium! À galvanoplastie overstress on a centrifugal pin! … A simple matter of computation … The factors involved are child’s play … Radio-diffusible lighting with a Valladon projector! … My word, all it takes is a little spunk and initiative … No need to bat your brains out … A big circular prehensible grab will do the trick … That may be a little more ticklish … I’d attach it to the outer face … How about 23-25? … That’s an excellent caliber … Retrobascule valves for still greater security … The drop chain is simple … A Rotterdam-Durtex with one-inch links … And if they want something even stronger … to be absolutely on the safe side … the guaranteed maximum … they can take special cable plaited from copper and rope, a 28-34 while they’re about it! See what I mean? … Rastrata is tops … I haven’t any shares in the firm … Reinforced pneumatic hood … the Lestragone patent … And about portholes? … Ah!” He was assailed by doubt. “If I were in their shoes, I’d steer clear of that packing they turn out in the arsenals … that Tromblon-Parmesan stuff … It hasn’t worked too well on submarines. It’s a Hop! … They haven’t told the whole story … At the ministry of course they defend it tooth and nail … but I’ll stick to my guns … I foresaw it! … At medium pressures it does all right … Up to twenty kilos to the square centimeter, all right … But starting with twenty tenths’? … It’s tissue paper, my boy … The fish pass right through it … That’s my opinion and you won’t make me change it … Anyway, they’ll think of that … I’ve no right to influence them … I won’t even mention my article … Certainly not! … Hell! I will too … Sure I’ll quote it …
in toto
… After all it’s my duty … Don’t you agree, Irène darling? And you, Ferdinand? Don’t you think I ought to speak out? After all it’s a critical moment … It’s now or never … I’m in this thing … I’m in charge … I’ve got to tell them what I think, don’t I? Today, and not in ten years … My opinions are worth something, aren’t they? But enough phrasemongering! … It’s all very well to give advice, to play the sage, the academician, the know-it-all … But it’s not enough … Not by a long shot! … I’ve always done my share! … Here! … There! Everywhere! Irène can bear me out … I’ve never sidestepped a danger! … Never … By what right? … Why, I’ll go down in their contraption myself … Maybe not the first try, but certainly the second! … Nobody can stop me! … It’s my duty! … my right! Obviously! I’d even say it was indispensable … My eye, my authority, will be their only real security! Make no mistake!”

“Oh no!” the old lady screeches as if somebody’d taken a bite out of her ass. “Nothing doing! I’d sooner cut the rope! As I live and breathe! This is the payoff! Never, you hear me! I’ll never let you go down! Haven’t you made an ass of yourself long enough! Go down in that contraption! You’re not a fish, are you? … Let the lunatics dive! It’s their business, not yours! … Certainly not!”

“Lunatics! Lunatics! You haven’t a grain of sense! Where’s your logic? … Didn’t you pester the life out of me to make me go up in the air? Yes or no? Weren’t you all for the balloon? You were nuts about it, out of your mind! ‘The
Enthusiast!
The
Enthusiast!
‘ You couldn’t think of anything else! And I’m not a bird! …”

“Bird, bird! Now you’re insulting me! You’re picking a fight! … All right! I see what you’re up to, you dog! … I know, you want to clear out! … You want to go gallivanting around again!”

“Where? On the bottom of the sea?”

“Bottom of the sea, my foot! …”

“Oh, leave me alone! Leave me alone, Irène! How do you expect me to think? You’re always balling everything up! … with your idiotic outbursts … your insane frenzies! … Let me think in peace and quiet! … The circumstances, it seems to me, are solemn enough … Ferdinand! You hold down the shop … And whatever you do, don’t say another word to me!”

He was giving orders again … He was recovering his tone, his color … and his crust for that matter … He started whistling his charmer’s tune, the “Sole Mio” of happier days …

“Yes, I’d better go out! Take a breath of air … You’ve still got a hundred francs, haven’t you, kid? … I’ll go pay the telephone bill … That’ll give me a chance to stretch my legs … It’s high time they turned it on again … Wouldn’t you say so? We need it …”

He hung around the doorstep … He was undecided … He looked out toward the arcades … He started off to the left … that probably meant the Insurrection. If he’d gone right, it would have been the Urns and his cat-o’-nine-tails … As soon as things begin to look up a little, all people can think of is piggishness …

The sale of that number was a real orgy, there’s no getting around it … They came in a steady stream … They took the joint by storm … Even after nine at night subscribers came around asking for their supplement … All day long it was a riot … The shop shook under the weight of the mobs … The doorstep was all worn down from their trampling … Des Pereires harangued them … He’d stand on the counter, handing out papers by the armful … I was running around the whole time

… pestering the printer … chasing back and forth … with the hod … The cart was too slow on the Faubourg Montmartre … I’d bring them back in batches as they came off the press …

The old cutie made up the wrappers for shipment to the provinces … That was important too … The diving-bell contest was being talked about far and wide … It was getting to be an event …

Naturally Uncle Édouard heard about it … He dropped over to the Galerie … He came in through the side door … He was mighty glad our rag was picking up … He’d been worried … He expected me to be out on my ass again … looking for another job … And just then our popularity skyrocketed … We really had the wind in our sails … It was terrific …

The hope for treasure is real magic. There’s nothing like it … At night after my errands, when I came back from the Automatic, I’d have more bundles to tie up … until eleven o’clock … Violette gave it to me straight:

“You’re working too hard! You’re a sap! You think they appreciate it? … If you knock yourself out, who’s going to take care of you? Not your boss, I bet! Buy me a
menthe
, kid! … I’ll sing you The Girl from Mostaganem’ … It’ll drive you crazy, you’ll see …” For that little number she’d hike up her skirt front and back … She didn’t wear any panties, so it was a real belly dance … She’d do it right out in the open … in the middle of the Galerie … The other floozies would come running … usually with three or four customers each … Bums, jerkoffs, bankrupt peepers … “Do your stuff, Suzy! Don’t piss crooked!” She sure threw her twot around … You could see it bobbing up and down … The crowd clapped and cheered, that Tunisian dance of hers was some excitement … It always drew a crowd. When it was over, I’d buy her her
menthe
… We’d all end up at the Insurrection …

Violette’s stand was over by the scales, behind the thickest column, in the Galerie d’Orléans … It didn’t take her two minutes to do a job … If she hooked a real sucker, she’d take him up to the Pelican only a few steps away … across from the Louvre … The room cost two francs … She liked her pernod straight … We’d get her to sing her song:

The enchanted Orient came
And sat in my caravansar-ee …
His ass was bare and from his belly
A great big eye looked out at me.