Death, the Devil, and the Goldfish (30 page)

"So the Devil can possess the body as long as the brain is active," said Death, getting back to the subject at hand.

Celina nodded thoughtfully.

"The size of the lemon battery they've created down there is big enough to jumpstart the Santa Claus unit. Once that happens, the brain will be active."

"And the Devil can hop right in," said Nigel, finishing off everyone's thought. "If he can switch bodies so easily, then why is he still in the cat?"

"The rules of his contract are very clear; he's only allowed to possess the body he enters when he arrives on Earth. However, the rules of possession are fairly bendable, you see—"

Death didn't have a chance to finish his sentence. The three humans, one angel, and the dancing elf had just rounded the corner of a dark corridor. Before them stood twelve elves, angry-looking ones.

13m20s

The Devil had been busy watching over the assembly of the battery. He'd found good reasons, or at least any old reasons, for which to chastise a couple of the elves, and he even yelled at Big Ernie for no apparent cause. With Big Ernie and Itch's task complete, the Devil was content to let them stand around for the time being.

Itch had tried to explain to Big Ernie that going along with the cat's plan was a good idea. Big Ernie wasn't convinced.

"But he's not cute," said Big Ernie, "cats are meant to be cute. He's scary!"

"Look, Ernie, he's not really a cat, he's just using the cat," explained Itch.

"Who's using the cat?" said Ernie.

"The Devil."

"I thought the Devil was in the cat," said Big Ernie.

"He is," said Itch, his temperature slowly rising. He'd been through many similar situations with Big Ernie. "He's using the cat's body. We're helping him so that when his plan works, then he'll reward us. Got it?"

Big Ernie thought hard, calling upon every bit of his shallow IQ.

"No," said Big Ernie.

Itch sighed.

"Okay, let me try again. The cat is the Devil, got that part?"

"Yes," said Big Ernie, nodding for emphasis.

"And we're helping him because at the moment he's just a cat. Still with me?"

"Got it."

"When he's no longer a cat, then he'll reward us for helping him, okay?"

"Right," said Big Ernie.

"So you've got it then?"

"No," said Big Ernie solemnly.

Itch began to hop up and down as he always did when angry.

"You two over there!" shouted the Devil. "Be quiet and stop jumping around or I'll have you pummeled with a wooden spoon!"

Something distressing had occurred to the Devil, although it was probably nothing at all. He knew how many elves had been created at Majestic Technologies, and he was almost certain that he'd activated all of them. Then, as he counted over the little creatures, he couldn't help but notice that one was missing. With a swish of his tail and several looks of ill contempt, the Devil dispatched twelve elves to search for the missing unit.

12m11s

Nigel briefly remembered what his life had been like before he woke up this morning. A respected and renowned serious crimes detective, slight gambling problem, ate healthy. It wasn’t like he was completely happy with his life, but at that very moment anything would have been better than standing in a dark corridor with twelve pairs of little elf eyes staring angrily at him.

He leaned over to Celina and was about to ask what they were doing, as none of the elves had moved yet, when one of the elves went and moved. It was one of the elves at the front, who had a jingle bell on the tip of his pointed hat that jingled every time he moved his head. He produced a walkie-talkie from his little green jacket and spoke into the microphone.

"This is Cuddles, we've found the missing unit and some other people."

The Devil's voice squawked back over the tiny transmitter.

"Other people! What other people? Who are they?"

"Three humans and something else," said Cuddles, the something else being Death.

"We don't have time for this, dispatch them all, bring me the unit."

Cuddles turned his attention back to the group.

Nigel leaned over to Celina.

"Seriously, how dangerous can they be, they're just little elves."

Celina didn't have chance to answer as the elves let forth a loud battle scream that would have made Celina's Scottish ancestors proud and began to charge.

Gerald and Celina turned to run away, Death stood his ground, Eggnog executed some form of the Can-Can and Nigel wasn't sure what to do, although two seconds later it didn't matter if he was doing anything or not as his entire world suddenly stopped moving.

A couple of miles away, in Nigel's apartment, Jeremiah's mind swam with so much information that the walls of his little castle looked like they were about to close in on him. All of a sudden, Jeremiah reached the realization that he knew exactly where to send the information and flung it all out of his head with such force that the window of Nigel's apartment shattered completely and a small crack appeared in Jeremiah's bowl. And then the information was gone.

Jeremiah wiggled his fishy little tail and swam to the top of his bowl and blew a few bubbles, completely content and totally oblivious to the events taking place at Majestic Technologies.

Nigel's last thought, which had been
maybe I should turn and run,
hung in his mind only for a moment as his brain was suddenly assaulted with a pile of information that made the corridor shake ever so slightly.

Time seemed to slow down; the only thing removed from the whole situation was Death, who leaned against the corridor wall grinning at Nigel. Behind Nigel, Gerald and Celina were running in super slow motion.

"Don’t worry," said Death. "I’m good at this time control thing."

In front of him the elves, their little faces contorted with sheer rage, charged forward with extreme slowness. The information in Nigel's head was muddled, confusing, and yet completely understandable. The sheer amount of it blinded his mind's eye and made his head feel like a large construction crane had just landed on top of it, and yet, it had a sense of familiarity to it. He had the distinct feeling that he'd been drinking all night and woken up with the worst hangover ever, but he was happy about it because the severe pain in his head let him know that he was still alive and not dead from alcohol poisoning.

Everything happened in a split second, even though it felt like an eternity to Nigel. The first thing he realized was that the information he received was nothing but numbers,1's and 0's. The second thing he realized was that he knew what the numbers meant and knew what to do with them.

Doubt suddenly clouded his vision; he had no power, it was gone. As quickly as he'd received the gift, the disaster in a mini-skirt stole it from him, leaving his perfect moment crushed and his state of mind shattered.

Death, who had been happy to lean up against the wall, walked toward Nigel at a regular and normal speed; the elves were getting a little bit closer but not fast enough to worry about. Death placed a comforting hand on Nigel's shoulder and looked him in the eye.

"Nigel, I realize that getting your head around what you're meant to do might be a little difficult. I especially have no idea how you're going to pull it off."

Celina and Gerald stopped running in slow motion and instead, turned around in slow motion to see what kept Nigel and Death. Eggnog slowly kicked his little legs high in the air.

"You see, everything happens for a reason. We're all here because we were meant to be here. The Devil has possessed a cat because if he didn't, then we wouldn't be here. Years ago, you had an extraordinary gift, one that you attributed to having some sort of a perfect moment. Heinrich told me to give you two messages. They're simple ones, and I don't think you could handle anything more complicated in your current state. Firstly, he said to tell you to stop thinking so much, you know how to do whatever it is you have to do, so don't think about it, just do it. Now, I realize that all sounds like a bad sportswear commercial, but Heinrich is rarely wrong."

"And the second?" asked Nigel.

"The fiery redhead, the one with the temper."

"Celina?"

"Yes, that one. You're destined to end up together. Heinrich thought it might break down the nervousness if you already knew it." Death patted Nigel's shoulder and went back to stand against the wall. "In a moment, I'm going to restore time to its normal state, ready?"

Nigel thought about Heinrich's words, thought about his doubt, thought about the information in his head, glanced at Celina with a slightly whimsical smile, nodded to Death, straightened his tie, stuck his hands in his pockets, and then stopped thinking entirely because that's what he knew he had to do.

Celina had always had a ridiculous fear of little people, but now her fear, fully realized, lay directly in front of her. Turning and running was the first instinctive thought that entered her mind. She turned, leaped over Eggnog, who was doing some kind of a French dance, and was about to sprint down the hallway when she realized that Gerald was the only one following her. She looked back to see what happened but saw nothing, as the entire hallway filled with a blinding light that threw her backward, landing painfully on her posterior.