Deathless & Divided (The Chicago War #1) (32 page)

“Yes, you did.”

“I did not! There were things you didn’t need to know. I don’t control Dino, Lily. So I did the next best thing which was keeping you safe while he did whatever the hell he wanted.”

“You helped,” she spat.

“Sometimes,” Damian admitted. “Because I had shit to keep safe, too. I had reasons for wanting this, too.”

Lily stilled under his weight. “Like what?”

“Me. I wanted to keep me.”

That didn’t make sense.

“Let me go,” Lily repeated. “I want to go inside. Anywhere away from you.”

Soon, preferably.

Damian refused. “Not until you hear me, Lily. You’re goddamn well going to hear me whether you want to or not. Things were happening around me that I wasn’t getting a say in. Despite what you may think, I didn’t do any of this to get myself higher in the Outfit. I did it so someone else could and I was able to stay being just Damian Rossi. Not someone else, just
me
.”

Lily glared. “I—”

“Dino wanted you to be safe long after he didn’t have the control to keep you that way. He knew that with certain people gone, a mess might happen. One that would put families in the spotlight and fighting against one another. He didn’t want you to be somehow used as a bartering chip between anyone. Not today, tomorrow, or five years from now.”

“I don’t care.”

“Stop it. You know you do. You want to know and I’m telling you. Listen.”

Lily sniffled. “I just want to go inside. Please.”

Damian acted like she didn’t say a word. “In order to make sure you wouldn’t be put in that kind of position, he needed you married and already taken. I fucked up a long time ago. My mistakes kept me indebted to Dino but it also made me loyal to him. I understood what he wanted to do and why he was doing it. The Outfit is so fucked up sometimes. Greedy, excessive, and full of bullshit and liars.”

“You’re a liar,” Lily said, hoping that would piss him off enough to release her.

It didn’t, not entirely.

Damian’s hand let go of her cheek just long enough to smack the ground hard. Lily froze and her gaze widened. “I am not!”

“You’re lying to the people around you,” she retorted.

“They’ve never
asked
.”

“Tell me the truth for once,” Lily said, her voice a whisper. “Make me believe something you say. Because nothing rings true anymore.
Nothing
.”

“I didn’t want to marry you. I didn’t want to be married at all.”

Lily choked out a sob mixed with a bitter laugh. “Now, that I believe.”

“Then I met you,” Damian added quieter. “And you were not what I was expecting. We were more alike than I thought. I’d already known you from way back when. You had shit going on—you were
real
. I didn’t want you to hate me or to feel like you were stuck with a man who wouldn’t care about you. And I did
care
, Lily.”

“Why would you?” she asked, refusing to look at him again. “I’m nothing to you in the end. Just another girl, a ring on your finger you’ll eventually forget. Nothing, Damian.”

“Not nothing. Everything,” he murmured.

A shiver worked its way over Lily’s body but it had nothing to do with the cold, wet ground. His words washed over her skin and senses with a soothing, truthful quality that only hurt her further.

“You’re so good at this game,” Lily said, hating him for it.

“No game. Not with you. I would have faked every little goddamn thing I had to with you to make Dino happy, but I didn’t have to. With you, I didn’t have to fake anything.”

Lily wiggled, trying to get away from the feeling of Damian’s warm hands sliding down her body. When he touched her, she couldn’t think. Damian probably knew that.

“Stop,” Lily demanded. “Stop playing these games with me. Leave me alone. I’ll follow Dino’s rules and keep my fucking mouth shut about what I know. I’ll marry you because I don’t have a choice, but you can leave me the hell alone while I do it. Find another whore to keep you satisfied, but stay away from me.”

“No. You’ve got it all wrong, Lily. Every bit of it.”

Lily laughed darkly. Her tears had finally stopped. “I think I’m right and you’re too much of a coward to admit it.”

Damian’s fingers pressed to the exposed skin of Lily’s stomach where her shirt had ridden up. The pressure of his fingertips bit into her flesh with the lightest touch, promising and sweet. She despised the fact there was no denying the hard ridge of his erection digging into her pelvis. It turned her on, despite how angry and hurt she was.

Lily adored this man. She’d went into her affections blindly for him, trusting what he gave to be what it was. She hadn’t realized that someone like Damian could have the kind of effect on her that he did until he was front row and center, demanding her attention. Without ever really trying, he’d had her falling head over heels.

She thought he would be standing there to catch her.

Lily was stupid.

Stupid over him. Stupid for him.

Stupid
.

God, it was sickening.

“Stop touching me,” Lily said.

“No.”

“You’re an asshole.”

Damian shrugged. “You’re beautiful.”

Lily glowered. “Stop it!”

“You are. I had no reason to let you in, Lily. Not to me or who I was. I didn’t need to invite you into my life or bed before the marriage. I didn’t have to give a shit about you or even try. I didn’t have to like you if I didn’t want to but you made it so fucking easy. Don’t you get that? I could have treated this arrangement as just that—business. If that’s all I thought of it and you, it would have been a hell of a lot simpler just to let you fight it out with Dino and be waiting at the end of the aisle when he forced you down it to meet me. I didn’t have to do any of
this
!”

Lily shuddered at what his words implied. “You’re lying again. All you did was make me trust you so that no one would suspect what you and Dino did.”

“I didn’t have to. That didn’t matter to me. I didn’t have to hide anything. Dino, yes, but not me.”

“You’re—”

“Be quiet,” Damian said, his blue eyes blazing into Lily’s with a fierceness that stopped her breath. “Listen to what I have told you. Think about it and for once, hear me. God, I need you to
hear
me, Lily. Please.”

“It doesn’t matter. You already said it, Damian. Regardless if Dino forces me down the aisle or not, you’ll still be there waiting. I don’t have to hear or understand anything for it to make a difference.”

“But I want you to.”

Lily whined low, feeling his fingers skip around the hem of her shorts. “I don’t.”

“Why?” he asked.

“You know why.”

Damian smiled and the sight only pissed Lily off more. Having her hand free gave her the ability to hit him again, but he caught her wrist before she could. He slammed her hand to the ground beside her head. Lily stilled, shocked. Her body, on the other hand, was hotter than ever.

“Stop hitting me,” Damian said, cocking a brow. “You’re better than using your hands to show anger. Words work just as well.”

“I’m so angry with you.”

“I know. I’m sorry.”

Lily cried, her tears falling freely again. “I’m angry with me, too.”

Damian traced Lily’s trembling lip with the pad of his finger before he wiped away her tears. “I hate it when you cry.”

“I hate it when you say things like that.”

“No, you don’t,” he argued. “You like it because someone cares.”

“Except it’s
you
,” she said shakily.

“And you’re angry because you know I care,” Damian replied, never breaking eye contact with Lily. “I care enough to protect you. I care enough to let you in.”

“Enough to lie to me, too?”

“Lily, stop making me repeat myself.”

“Lying would have been easier!” she shouted.

Lily knew he hadn’t lied, not really. In the end, she was the one who chose not to question those around her. She let Damian slip through her carefully constructed walls keeping everyone associated with the Outfit out. She cared about
him
.

“I love you,” she breathed, aching inside. “You could have done all of this without making me fall in love with you, Damian.”

“I never tried to make that happen,” Damian said gently.

But it was so easy to.

“You hurt me,” Lily whimpered. “Things you love shouldn’t hurt you.”

“I’m sorry.” Damian swept his thumb over her mouth again with the softest touch as he said, “But you should know that there’s so much about you I love, Lily. I love the way you smile because you don’t do it nearly enough. I love how you’re quiet and you don’t need noise when you’re beside me to keep you entertained. I love how you let me make you happy even though you don’t like a lot of things about me.”

“God, stop.”

“Not a chance. Hear me.”

Lily blinked, willing away the stinging in her eyes. “I wish I fucking couldn’t.”

But she could.

Damian’s erection dug a little harder into Lily’s pelvis, reminding her that she had an effect on him, too. One he had never tried to hide. One he always fed into whenever he could. When he bent down to capture her lips in a kiss, she let him. It still hurt but if felt good, too.

Pulling away, Damian dotted soft kisses along her cheekbone. “I love the way you taste and how you always beg me for more. I love burying my tongue into your sweet pussy and how you shake when you come. I love my name in your mouth and wrapping my hands in your hair. I love fucking you because even when it’s dirty, it’s still beautiful, too.”

“So many people are hurting because of this. I can’t be okay with that, Damian. I don’t know how to look the other way.”

“It’s never been about just you, but my one priority was you while it happened,” Damian explained. “You don’t have to look the other way, but when you’re ready to, I’m still going to be standing here when you look back at me. I’m sorry you hate me right now, but I love you and I wish you would hear that.”

Lily blew out a breath, biting on her lower lip. “Why did you do this?”

“I didn’t.”

Dino.

“Why did he do it?” she asked.

“I thought I knew,” Damian said. “I thought I understood.”

“But?”

“I don’t think I know much about him at all.”

CHAPTER FIFTEEN

D
amian’s insides twisted into a million and one little knots as Lily lay beneath him, still crying. She cried silently without the sobbing from before. It didn’t hurt Damian any less. Her tears still sliced through every inch of his skin, cutting through the muscle and driving into his bones. She couldn’t possibly understand how her pain affected him.

“I didn’t mean to hurt you,” he told her.

“You must have known it would,” Lily replied.

Damian’s hands were dirty from the ground. Blades of grass and pieces of dirt stuck to his fingertips as he wiped at Lily’s face over and over to rid the tears that were ripping him apart. He only made her dirty, too.

“Christ, I’m sorry,” Damian mumbled.

Lily laughed but even the sound was sad. “Don’t bother. I’m a mess, anyway.”

“My mess.”

“I don’t know how to feel about that,” she whispered.

“The same way you always did. This changes nothing.”

“I think it changes everything.”

Damian frowned though he wished he could hide it. Unfortunately, he was slowly learning that hiding things from Lily never worked out to his favor. “How?”

Lily sighed, using her own dirty hand to rake through her blonde hair. “Because you love me.”

Satisfaction filled Damian like he’d never felt before. If she was admitting her belief in his love, the battle was half won on his side.

“I do,” Damian said.

“And that just leaves me to wonder about everything when it comes to you.” Lily turned her head to stare off to the side. “Is there such a thing as good men who do bad things?”

“I’ve never claimed to be good.”

“I thought you were. You told me differently. Maybe I should have listened.”

“I’m still yours,” Damian said, leaning down to press a kiss to Lily’s dirty cheek.

Lily’s eyes fluttered closed. “My friend’s mother died.”

“I know.”

“Your cousin, too.”

“Lea isn’t my biggest regret,” Damian said, tilting Lily’s head back so he could see her eyes.

“What is?” she asked in a whisper.

“You already know.”

“Maybe, but I’d like to hear you say it.”

“Hurting you, sweetheart. Although Lea being caught in the crossfire shouldn’t have happened, either,” Damian said, the confession slipping past his lips before he could stop it. “I wish it hadn’t but I made my choices and now I have to live with them.”

“Stop talking.”

Damian chuckled. “Why?”

“Because when you talk, I believe everything you say.”

“I’ll never lie, not if you ask the right questions, Lily.”

“I shouldn’t have to ask, Damian.”

“I don’t want to tell you things that put you in danger or might hurt you in some way,” he said. “If, or when, you ask, I will always tell you the truth because if you have the sense to ask, you have the strength to handle it. But I will not go out of my way to purposely tell you things just so you have every little last detail about whatever. I won’t ever do that, not if knowing them could somehow hurt or harm you. Please understand that.”