Deceptions (52 page)

What would they say, she wondered, when she came back and told them the truth? They wouldn't care much; their fives would not change.

But she was gentler that night when she told Gabrielle and Mrs Thirkell.' I '11 be back soon, so neither of you should think of leaving. This is your home. Gaby, as long as you want it, and yours, too. Mrs Thirkell. I want you to keep it in good order until I come back. I'll let you know when to expect me.'

They will care, she thought, when I tell them the truth. Because they have relied on me in different ways.

And who else would care? Scotland Yard. Because someone blew up Max's yacht to kill her and would probably

try again when it became public that it was her sister» not Sabrina Longworth, who had been killed.

Maybe I won't come back, she thought. It's safer in Chicago.

Flying at thirty-five thousand feet through bright Saturday sunlight, a week after Stephanie's funeral, Gordon sat between his daughter and his wife, planning the future. He and Laura talked about selling their house, buying a smaller one without stairs and hiring an assistant to help him research and write his book on American foreign policy in Europe. How much they've aged, Sabrina reflected; arranging their time to do less, have more help, smooth their days. And she realized she could not tell her story to both of them at the same time. She would tell her mother first; Laura would know how to tell Gordon.

But first she had to tell Garth. She would stay with her parents in Washington over Saturday and Sunday night, and fly to Chicago on Monday. Monday noon, while Penny and Cliff were in school. She couldn't bear to see them, and she couldn't talk to Garth while they were there. So, at noon, when they were safely in school. Garth would meet her plane and they would go - where? Not home. Not that wonderful, protective shabby house that was home. A restaurant. Some place where Garth need never go again and hear echoes oi that terrible moment when she looked at him and finally told him the truth.

Then, that same afternoon, she would go back to Washington to tell her parents, and the next day she would return to London. And it would be truly over. She would never see Penny and Cliff again. Never see Garth again. Never see Dolores and Nat, Vivian, Madeline Kane, Linda and Martin^ Garth, Garth, Garth ...

'Stephanie, what is it?'

She wiped her eyes and leaned over to kiss her father. 'Just thinking.' Gordon peered at her. 'You're sure you're all right?'

'I'm fine,' Sabrina said, pleasing him. 'Don't worry about me; I'll do my thinking less damply.'

You'd thiiik I'd be dried up by now, she thought. How can

one person have so many tears? But she knew there would be more when she confessed to eveiyone. And anger. But only then, when it was all out, would it be time to put this life behind her and pick up the pieces in London where she had left them in September.

If you can. Her eyes flew open at the thought. What makes you so sure you can simply pick up the pieces? Things have happened since you left. Will your London friends be overjoyed when they hear how you and Stephanie made fools of them, even letting them weep at a funeral for the wrong woman? Will they laugh in high good humor at such a jolly prank? Or will they walk away from you and Ambassadors because they don't like to be the butt of someone's joke? Especially in public.

Alexandra wouldn't do that.

Alexandra will be in South America most of the time.

Gaby wouldn't do that.

But Gaby and Brooks will get back together soon, or she'll find someone else. And how much time will she have for an ostracized Sabrina Longworth?

Olivia - but, of course, Olivia would do just that.

And how pleased will Scotland Yard be when they discover you lied about who was killed on that yacht near Monte Carlo? An international incident - Monaco, France, England.

No one will want to have anything to do with you.

You can't live in Evanston and you can't live in London,

I'll have to live somewhere else, she thought. Start again somewhere else. New York. I could open a shop in New York,

And who will you be?

Not Stephanie Andersen. You're going to tell eveiyone Stephanie is dead.

Sabrina Longworth.

Yes. Sabrina Longworth, starting a new life in New York, opening a new shop called - what will you call it?

No Deceptions.

Very amusing. Any other ideas?

No.

The plane followed the sun across the ocean. In the cabin,

stewards cleared lunch trays, brought pillows, poured drinks. Laura read. Gordon closed his eyes and slept. Sabrina moved to an empty seat and rested her head against the cool window, looking at the pale merging of water and sky. Stephanie, I miss you.

Garth, dear h\e ...

Any other ideas?

No.

Chapter 18

Sunlight glinted off the Potomac River as Sabrina*s plane banked and climbed for its flight to Chicago. Early November: the trees of Virginia flamed with yellow, russet and orange across the river from Washington's clustered stone and marble monuments.

She caught a glimpse of Georgetown before the plane finished its turn. Laura and Gordon would be in the study, thinking of lunch. By nightfall I'll be back, she thought, shattering their tranquility with my story. Garth is first.

I have something to tell you; could we go somewhere for a cup of coffee?

No, not home. A restaurant.

These last few weeks, since September, I haven't been what you think —

These last weeks, when you thought I was ... / have something to tell you ... in a restaurant.. . You see, last September, in China, Stephanie and I decided for a lark-No, that wasn't a mistake. I meant to say Stephanie. That's what I want to tell you. When we were in China, Stephanie and I decided to change places for a week.

Far below, the black tangle of Indiana's steel mills moved into view. And then there was the curved shore of Lake Michigan. / have something to tell you; can we go to a restaurant?

When they had landed, she walked with the other

passengers from the plane to the waiting area and paused, scanning the crowd.

'Mom! Here we are!'

'Mommy!' Penny flung her arms around Sabrina. 'I'm glad you're back, I'm glad you're back, I don't like it when you're gone.' Cliff reached up to plant a vigorous kiss on her cheek. Stunned, Sabrina stared at them and over their heads at Garth.

'Why aren't you in school?'

Cliff grinned. 'Dad said we could stay out to meet your plane. Aren't you glad to see us?'

Slowly Sabrina nodded. With Penny's arms tight around her and the imprint of Cliff's warm kiss on her cheek- oh, yes, she was glad to see them. But this wasn't the way she had rehearsed it; it had never occurred to her that Garth would bring them. Which shows, she thought, how much I know about being a mother. 'Speechless with delight,' she said, kissing them. 'And surprise.'

'Make some room, you two,' said Garth. He took her in his arms, holding her close, and Sabrina felt the shape of her bones fit into his. 'Hello,' he said quietly. 'Welcome home.'

She looked at the strong lines of his face and the glow in his dark eyts. Oh, Fve missed you, I've missed you. She rested her head against him.

Enclosed in his arms, her face against his chest, she heard his heartbeat and felt his lips touch her hair. And in that moment, she knew, with absolute certainty, that she could never tell him the truth.

She could never tell him he had been tricked into loving and cherishing a woman who was a fraud. She would not fling her lies in the face of his tenderness.

Then stay. Live with him and his family-my family. Stay. This is home.

But the thought did not make it so, and neither did the desire. This was not her place; her home and life were elsewhere. And even though she had seen her London world all too clearly after Stephanie's funeral, with its gossip and jealousies and idle entanglements, it was a world she knew, where she moved with confidence. And Ambassadors and

Cadogan Square - built by her, maintained by her efforts and her own social and business contacts - were where she belonged.

But as Garth's arms held her she knew there was another reason she could not stay: the most imponant reason. Tliey could not build a hfe together based on a deception. He had been honest and open with her, trusting her with the self he kept hidden from others. In return she had lied and kept her private self hidden from him. She could not see any way out of that, except deeper into lies. And I can't do that-to either of us.

She would have to find a reason, any reason, tell it to him and leave, just as she'd planned, right away, before their love drew her into their life again. 'I have to tell you something, but not with the children—'

'And I have a great deal to tell you, but not with the children. Shall we pack them off somewhere?' With his arm around her they were walking through the terminal, and he scanned the airline gates. 'Denver. Seattle. Fairbanks ... how about Fairbanks? They can explore Alaska while we explore each other.'

'Garth, I'm serious.'

'So am I. We need to be alone. I thought we'd go to Wisconsin this weekend, just the two of us, find a lodge, do some hiking, sit in front of the fire. Sound all right?'

She shook her head.

'Think about it, we have all week to decide.*

Chattering steadily. Penny and Cliff skipped beside them to the car. Then, as Garth drove, Penny asked a question about London and Cliff hushed her sharply. Sabrina turned around.

'It's all right. You can ask about London. And anything else.'

'Daddy told us about the funeral,' said Penny. 'It sounded veiy impressive.'

'Indeed it was.'

'All those noble people.*

'The nobility, Permy. To be noble takes more than a title.'

Garth chuckled and relaxed, no longer worried that the

questions would upset her. They talked about the Vicar and the people who came to Cadogan Square, Gordon's heart attack and the ambulance, Mrs Thirkell, Alexandra and the Guarani Indians, Ambassadors. And, through it all, Sabrina listened in disbelief.

Two months ago, when she arrived from China. Garth wanted to have a serious talk and she would not give him a chance. Today, when she arrived from London and wanted to have a serious talk, no one would give her a chance.

But soon they would be home. Not home, she thought quickly. The Andersens' home. Then Penny and Cliff would go off somewhere and she would tell Garth she was leaving. She wouldn't even sit down or take off her coat; she would tell him inunediately, take a cab back to the airport and still be in Washington before her parents went to bed.

'You're very quiet,' Garth said, as he parked the car. Sabrina was looking at the house.

'It looks so different - all the leaves are gone.'

'We had a spectacular thunderstorm one night that sent both kids scurrying to our room - pretending they wanted to watch the lightning with me - and it stripped the trees clean. Autunm came to a crashing end.'

I've never seen it look so bare. And unprotected.

Garth carried in her suitcase and put on a pot of coffee. Penny and Cliff took cookies from the jar. 'Five-thirty, Mom?'Cliff asked.

/ won't be here. 'Yes. Can I have a quick hug?'

They held her tightly. 'It's awful when you're not here,* Penny said. 'I hate it. The house is so empty.' She looked quickly at Garth. 'I'm sorry. Daddy, I didn't mean ...'

Garth chuckled and kissed her. 'I know what you meant, my sweet. It seemed empty to me, too. Are you off somewhere?'

'I told Barbara I'd come over when we got back from the airport.'

'Go on, then. Five-thirty for you, too.'

And in one swift moment, Sabrina and Garth were alone in the breakfast room.

Sabrina did not sit down. 'Garth, I have to leave. I wanted to tell you at the airport and not come home at all, but I

couldn't with Penny and Cliff there. I'm going back to London, to be alone, to find out what I really want, I can't stay here—'

*Wait.' Incredulous, Garth had swung his head to look at her, and now he put out his hand - a barrier to stop her voice. 'I'll see if our coffee is ready, I think you should sit down.'

Sabrina was shaking. She pulled out a chair and fell into it, gripping her hands and staring through the window at the bare, wintry backyard. Empty; the way she felt. Garth came back with the coffeepot. *I don't think that's a good idea.' he said carefully. Sabrina saw the stiffness of his movements; he was holding himself in. He sat beside her and took her cold hands between his, warming them. 'You can't run away from yourself. You can't live Sabrina's life. Nothing would be solved by leaving; Penny and Cliff and I would always be here, waiting, like an unfinished story. You'd have two half-finished lives instead of one.'

The front doorbell broke into his words. 'Goddamn it, there aren't five quiet minutes ... I'd better see who it is. Don't go away, I'll be right back. You won't go away? You'll wait?'

'Yes.' Alone, Sabrina looked around the honey-colored room. Home. An unfinished story. A half-finished life. She couldn't argue with him because he was right, but he only knew part of the story and she couldn't tell him the rest. She would just have to get up and walk out. And whatever pain he felt when she left would be far less than the pain of the truth.

Faintly she heard Dolores's voice fi-om the fi-ont porch. Don't let her in, she prayed silently to Garth; 1 can't face her. On the sideboard was a stack of mail addressed to Stephanie. Mechanically she began to tear open the envelopes. A condolence card from Vivian. Another firom Linda and Martin. A note firom Juanita, Three cards from people she'd never heard of. A pink envelope with no return address, and inside a short, typed note.

How come those stories about students fucking profs for passing grades leave out Garth Andersen - the fuckingest of them all? A regular gene-ius at fucking students, that's our Professor Garth!

She read it twice and then again, frozen in the cold wave of fiiry that swept through her. How dare someone—! This filth, these obscene lies - how dare anyone accuse Garth of them! Who would do this - try to destroy a man who was more honorable than anyone she had ever known?