Deep Surrendering: Episode Five (4 page)

“He’s overseas right now, and it’s not like I’m in love with him. That’s why I didn’t tell you. It wasn’t anything serious, so I didn’t want to get your hopes up.” My mother would like nothing more than for me to marry someone like Fin, drop out of school, and return to the fold, spending my life doing not much of anything. Yes, there were friends of my parents (including Rory’s parents) that put their time and money to good use and made the world a better place. My parents? Not so much. They thought buying a yacht and spending money was somehow helping society.

I couldn’t get my head back into that space. I’d been trapped in that world for years, and I’d finally gotten free.

But Fin hadn’t.

“It’s not really anything,” I reiterated as my mother gave me the silent treatment but didn’t hang up the phone.

“I still want to know what’s going on with you,” she said, but it wasn’t a sudden burst of maternal feelings. It was because she wanted to get control of my life again. Have me under her watch. I was an only child, so I was her one shot at creating the next generation of robots just like her.

It made me sick, honestly.

“I’m sorry. I should have told you,” I said, gritting my teeth and sucking it up. Yes, she made my life far more difficult than it had to be, and had done so for my entire life, but she was still my mother.

I didn’t want something to happen to her and have the last words I said to her be laced with hatred.

“Yes, you should have,” she said, finally losing the sharp tone in her voice. Silence followed, and I tried to shift the topic to something else.

“So, what’s been going on with you and Dad?” I hadn’t seen my parents in person in weeks. I should probably go over for dinner or something.

Mom detailed the remodel of the den in painstaking detail, down to the drapes imported from Europe and some sort of urn she was extremely excited about. I tried to listen and be supportive, but it was hard when she got more excited about an urn than my grades in college.

“Where’s Dad?”

“At the club,” she said. Damn, I forgot. My parents kept a strict schedule that I used to know.

“Well, tell him that I called. Maybe I could come over for dinner or something.”

“That would be lovely,” Mom said, her voice finally softer. “I’ll see what I have open and let you know.”

“Okay. Bye, Mom.”

“Bye, Marisol.” The conversation ended on a hopeful note, but still, I was drained, and I lay back on the couch and closed my eyes for a moment. Next thing I knew, the apartment was dark and several hours had passed. I wasn’t much for taking naps, but I’d needed it, I guess.

Life was exhausting sometimes.

I
spent my Sunday doing homework and waiting for Fin to call. It was almost like a tic, constantly glancing up at the clock mounted on the wall in the library. Usually only a few minutes had passed since my last look.

I had a problem.

My phone buzzed with a new email and I opened it up, trying not to let myself hope it would be something from Fin.

It was.

He’d taken some more pictures of Paris, most of them with him in them and smiling. It would be crazy to photoshop myself into them and send them back to him, right? That would be weird.

As I clicked through the pictures, I found some of him at a park, and I had to fight the urge not to cry.

He was feeding the ducks. If I didn’t know better, I would have said he was in the park in Boston. I sniffed and wiped my eyes, hoping I wasn’t going to cry in the library. I looked around and it seemed most people were too busy with their own work and weren’t paying attention to me.

When I got to the end of the pictures, he’d written me a little letter.

Marisol,

I wish you were in every picture with me. You’d love Paris, and I think Paris would love you as well. Work has been so difficult. More difficult than ever. I never thought being apart from you would be so hard. Sometimes I look up as if someone’s called my name, and I realize I’m waiting for you to walk through the door. I constantly keep my phone with me, and every time it vibrates or rings, I hope it’s you. I know these feelings are intense, but I have to share them. I can’t hold them in anymore. Being away from you has made me realize what we had and how special it is. I’m sorry if you’re overwhelmed, but I had to tell you.

Talk to you soon,

Fin

Yup, I cried. Covered my eyes and put my head down on the library table and tried to be as quiet as I could. I pulled some tissues from my purse and dabbed at my eyes.

He didn’t overwhelm me at all because I felt the same way. Maybe even more so. From the very beginning, our connection had been so intense. So real. Fin wiped away all the previous relationships I’d had, and I knew if this didn’t work, I’d measure all future relationships against his standard.

I hit reply and tried to type a response, but all the words I tried to type felt wrong. I couldn’t put into words what I felt. So instead, I pulled out my phone and took a picture of myself, bad hair and all. I packed up the rest of my things and headed out, deciding I needed some park time. I dropped my books and laptop off at my apartment, and then went to the park after picking up a loaf of bread.

I smiled as I took the pictures, but it wasn’t easy. I’d checked that my eyes weren’t red before I took the pictures.

I used to come to the park and feed the ducks to feel alone, but now I was doing it to feel closer to Fin. Anything to feel closer to him.

The ducks were out in droves, and I counted at least eight that came to feed on the bread. I took a video and saved it so I could send that to Fin as well.

I was just balling up the last few bits of bread to toss into the water when my phone vibrated. It was Fin. Perfect timing.

“Hey,” I said, my face cracking into a smile.

“Hey, Mari Cherry.” The warmth in his voice spread through my body, all the way to my fingertips and toes, making me feel like I was laying in the sun.

“I got your email,” I said. “I love the pictures. Especially the ducks. Guess where I am right now?”

“In bed thinking of me?”

I laughed. “No. I’m feeding the ducks and thinking of you. I’m always thinking of you,” I said. Unspoken words hung between us. “I’m not overwhelmed by what you said. Because I feel the same way. I have for a while. I just thought it was too much, too fast.” It
was
too much, too fast, but I didn’t care. It was right. Everything about him felt right.

He exhaled, and I heard the relief in his voice as he spoke.

“I almost deleted that and didn’t send it to you. I know I have poor timing.”

“Screw the timing,” I said, and a couple strolling by me gave me a nasty look. What? I hadn’t said anything that bad.

“Timing is important, Marisol. It can be everything.” I disagreed with him. If you waited for the right time to do something, you’d never do it. There was no such thing as the right time. There was here and there was now.

“I don’t want to talk about that. So what did you do today? Any good stories?” Sometimes his foreign clients got lost in translation and the results could be quite amusing. Fin had me in stiches more than once. We needed to talk about something light right now.

He took my lead and started telling me about one of his favorite French clients who owned a soap company and how their grasp on American sarcasm wasn’t the best.

I soaked in his words as he talked to me, slowly walking home. I was going to let myself enjoy these moments with him. Hell, he could have broken things off and I wouldn’t get to talk to him at all.

“Can you do something for me?” he suddenly asked.

“Anything,” I immediately said. He was the only person I would say that to. Well, other than Chloe. But I would have more reservations about saying yes to her, because I never knew what Chloe was going to come up with.

“Would you go to my apartment while I’m on the phone with you?”

“Yeah,” I said, smiling and sticking my hand out to hail a cab. I was hungry and needed to eat something, but there was still some food at Fin’s in the cupboards so I could eat there or order something from the concierge downstairs. They were very accommodating, and I had the feeling Fin told them they were to give me what I wanted, when I wanted it. No matter what.

“I know it’s selfish of me to ask, but I was picturing you in my place this morning and I couldn’t get the image out of my head.” I shifted the phone to my other ear because my face was getting too hot where I’d been holding it. I should invest in a hands-free device, but I always thought those made people look like assholes.

“It’s not selfish, I love it. It’s the least I can do after all the pictures and the trip to the top of the Eiffel Tower.” I’d have to do a lot to make up for that.

“That was nothing,” he said, trying to downplay it.

“Then this is nothing.” The cab pulled up in front of Fin’s building and I handed him a few bills before I got out.

“Good evening, Miss Marisol,” the concierge said as I walked by. He even bowed his head as if I was royalty or something. I gave him a bewildered smile and headed to the elevator, the key to Fin’s place clutched in my fist.

“Are they being nice to you?” Fin asked as I hit the up button.

“Extremely nice. A little too nice, actually. I’m guessing you had a hand in that. Oh, the elevator’s here. I’m probably going to lose you.” I got in, and as the elevator ascended, the call did drop. I waited until the doors opened and called Fin back.

He picked up as I put the key in the lock and opened the door.

“Okay, I’m here,” I said, shutting the door and turning some of the lights on. The place was, as always, spotless, and the air smelled fresh, as if someone had recently opened the windows and let in fresh air.

“Where are you right now?” Fin asked as I walked toward the den with its towering bookshelves. I had no doubt that he’d read every single one of these books. He was the fastest reader I’d ever met, and could get through more than one book in a day or night. I wanted to ask him how he’d been sleeping, but I didn’t think he’d give me a straight answer.

“I’m running my hand over the spines of your books. Remembering that time when I found you reading out here because you didn’t want to sleep next to me,” I said.

“No. It wasn’t that I didn’t want to sleep next to you. I didn’t know if I could.” Well, we proved that wrong.

“But you could. You can do a lot if you want it enough.”

I moved through the den to the kitchen, looking in the fridge to see what was there. I’d brought a few things over for when I spent time here, but I tried not to bring too much. I wanted this to be his place. I wasn’t moving in with him.

Fin sighed, but it wasn’t an unhappy sigh.

“I love your optimism. It gives me hope. Makes me believe in something. It’s been a long time since I believed in anything good.” I pulled open one of the cupboards and found a box of mac and cheese. It was the cheap kind, shaped like cartoon characters, but it was exactly what I wanted.

“What did you believe in?” I asked as I grabbed a pot and put it under the sink to fill with water.

“Nothing worth talking about.” I could probably figure out what he’d believed in, but some of the things would probably surprise me.

“How about you give me one for my secret tonight?”

I heard his voice catch in surprise. “You want a secret tonight?” he asked.

“I
always
want a secret, if you know what I mean.” Our barter system might seem strange to others, but it had worked for us so far. My body for his past. Each exchange required a deeper level of trust as we grew closer together. Where this might lead, I didn’t know, but for now, it was what I wanted and needed. I hoped he felt the same.

“Well then. I think I can oblige that request if you’ll do one thing for me.” Anything. I’d do just about anything for him.

“What’s that?”

“Would you go to my bedroom and lay in my bed?” That was an easy request to honor. I turned the boiling water on the stove off and padded to his bedroom, turning only the enchanted chandelier on. Food could wait. I watched and smiled as shadows of branches appeared on the walls, the floors, and my skin.