Defector

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Copyright © 2014 Susanne Winnacker

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ISBN: 978-1-101-59447-6

This is a work of fiction. Names, characters, places, and incidents either are the product of the author’s imagination or are used fictitiously, and any resemblance to actual persons, living or dead, businesses, companies, events, or locales is entirely coincidental.

To my mother, for always defending me
against the doubters.
Für meine Mutter. Dafür, dass du mich immer
gegen die Zweifler verteidigt hast.

T
he floor of the helicopter vibrated against my ballerina flats. I could feel the constant buzz humming through my body, and my In the distance, the mountains of Glacier National Park rose against the darkening sky. Their peaks were framed by crimson as the day bled away. Was Major already awaiting us? We’d be in for an ass-kicking after what we’d done. Maybe the sky wouldn’t be the only thing bleeding tonight.

Alec squeezed my hand, and his gray eyes briefly darted toward me, as if he could feel the worry rolling off of me. This had been a difficult day for both of us. Nobody understood me like he did. I looked over to him. His dark brows were drawn together on his tanned face. My eyes glided lower to where the snarling head of a dragon peeked out. He’d loosened the top buttons of his black shirt, and it had slipped, revealing his right collarbone and strong shoulder with the top of his tattoo. He was focused on the controls of the helicopter, but he was smiling encouragingly. I wanted to lean against him and breathe in his scent—cinnamon and something spicier—to convince myself that this moment was real.

Only two hours ago, Alec had admitted that he wanted to be with me, that he’d finally ended his relationship with Kate. But now that the news had time to sink in, I couldn’t help but wonder: How would she react when we got back to headquarters? Alec had emphasized that their relationship hadn’t been about love, but I was sure she wouldn’t give him up without a fight.

His black hair was all over the place from running his hands through it earlier. I loved that it was a little longer than how he usually wore it—or rather how Kate had wanted him to wear it. It made him look more rugged.

Finally, Alec broke the silence. “You’re so quiet. What are you thinking?”

Heat slithered up my neck. It was almost like he’d read my mind. “Just about the mission.”

“Do you want to talk about it?”

The events of the last few weeks still weighed heavy on me. I’d completed my first mission as an FEA agent, and it hadn’t been easy. Ultimately, I’d performed successfully, but I could just as well have died.

My palm rested over my rib cage, where a serial killer had cut an
A
into my skin—the mark he left on all of his victims. It was a wound I’d sustained while pretending to be someone else, but it didn’t disappear once I changed back to my own body. I’d keep the
A
forever: a constant reminder of a mission that had come dangerously close to breaking me. Despite my layers of clothes, I imagined I could feel the rough edges of the scar. My chest vibrated against my palm; I wasn’t sure if it was from the helicopter movements or because I’d started trembling. I dropped my hand before Alec could notice it.

I had no doubt that upon our return, Major would be furious with Alec and me. As the head of the FEA—Forces with Extraordinary Abilities—he was our boss and the person responsible for overseeing all of our actions. We’d gone against his orders by returning to the place of my mission. But it was something I had to do for closure. I was grateful that at least Alec understood that.

He dipped the controls forward, and we began to decline, the skids of the helicopter almost brushing the treetops. The huge gray FEA building came into view, surrounded by small cottages, forest, the glass dome of the swimming pool, and our training grounds.

This, I reminded myself, was my home.

Alec steered the helicopter toward the landing strip at the back of the property, which was illuminated by red fog lights. And as I let my gaze stray further north, I could indeed see a wall of white mist creeping toward us. I shivered violently. Alec’s eyes swiveled to me, away from the landing strip.

I forced my body to relax, remembering that returning to headquarters meant good things too, like getting to see my best friend, Holly, again. Whenever we were separated, it felt like a small part of me was missing.

After a moment, Alec turned his attention back to our landing. There was no hiding now: The hissing of the propeller blades would alert Major and everyone else to our arrival. This was the moment of truth.

The skids touched the ground, and with a jerk, we halted. I could still feel the vibration in my body. In combination with my trembling, it created a strange rippling, not unlike the feeling I got during a shape-shifting transformation.

The blades slowed, their hissing dying down.

A heavy weight settled in my stomach.

Alec brushed a strand of hair from my forehead. The auburn lock had stuck to my sweaty skin. “It’ll be okay. I’ll be at your side,” he said softly.

At Alec’s touch, my trembling halted. I undid the buckle, slid open the door, and jumped outside. My breath left my mouth in small clouds, and iciness slithered through the thin soles of my shoes and into every inch of my body. It was April, but this year the winter was particularly hard in Montana. Alec rounded the helicopter and took my hand. For two years, I’d been longing for this moment, for his touch, and now I had what I’d always wanted. I tried to savor it despite the circumstances.

I tugged at Alec’s arm. “Come on. Let’s go,” I said. “I want to get this over with as soon as possible.”
And as long as my new bravery lasts
, I thought.

We hurried across the slick pavement—it must have rained recently, and the water had frozen in a thin layer. My eyes darted toward the building looming threateningly in front of us.

Whoever had built FEA headquarters must have been a fan of Bauhaus architecture, with its square forms, clear and simple without any flourishes. If I didn’t know better, I’d have sworn Major had commissioned it. But headquarters had been built in 1948, well before Major was born.

When I’d first glimpsed headquarters after Major and Alec had picked me up more than two years ago, I’d been disappointed. I’d expected an old manor with brick chimneys, ivy-covered walls, and stone gargoyles on the ledges of the roof. Instead I’d gotten a run-of-the-mill office building. But once I’d seen the wide corridors that prevented me from losing my way and the picture windows in the rooms, I changed my mind. And it was better than anything I’d experienced before. This time, though, the inside of the building wouldn’t bring me comfort.

I could already see Major standing behind the floor-to-ceiling window of his office, arms crossed, waiting for us.

D
ate night. My favorite night of the week—along with my evenings spent doing “girly stuff” with Holly (her words). Sometimes it was still hard for me to grasp that Alec and I had been dating for a couple of weeks, that it had been that long since I’d returned from my first mission. The time felt like a blur.

Though Alec and I didn’t go to the movies or out to a fancy restaurant (or even leave headquarters) for our dates, they were a big part of the reason why everything between us started to feel real. Holly had tried to talk me into dressing up. She’d even laid out an array of four outfits for me to choose from. Maybe she took this a bit too seriously. I’d explained to her in carefully chosen words that it would have felt wrong to get dolled up. Alec had seen me at my worst: crying and sobbing over my mother, beaten up and covered in blood. It would have felt as if I was putting on a mask if I’d dressed up for movie night. It was bad enough that I had to be someone else for my job; I didn’t want that in front of Alec. This evening was about Alec and me as we really were.

Despite Holly’s disapproving frown, I wore my favorite shorts and a T-shirt with ten rules to surviving a zombie apocalypse on the front. Alec greeted me with a peck on the lips as I slipped into his room. A small smile of endorsement spread on his face when he noticed my shirt. Happy that my instinct had been right, I stepped out of my shoes and lay back on his bed while he pushed the DVD into the player. With a buzzing, it snapped shut. A swarm of butterflies fluttered in my belly as I watched the muscles in Alec’s lower back and shoulders flex beneath his white T-shirt when he straightened. Alec kicked off his sneakers and locked the door. Date night number three, and it was the first time he’d done
that
. My imagination went into overdrive, and the fluttering in my stomach turned into a riot.

Alec turned slowly, as if he’d only just realized how his actions might look. His eyes were cautious as he glanced at me. Did I look nervous? “Because of Tanner. I don’t want him to barge in.” Then he added with a hint of annoyance, “Again.”

Good thinking. Tanner had already walked in on us kissing on the bed
twice
. If I had to bear his teasing and kissy noises one more time, I’d shave his beloved mohawk off while he was sleeping.

I gave Alec a smile, though the mix of nerves, embarrassment, and excitement had me feeling like I was going to combust. Nobody would interrupt us tonight; anything could happen. Alec was experienced—after all, he was older than me, and he’d dated Kate for months. How far did he want to go? How far did I want him to go? This felt momentous somehow.

“I can unlock it, though, if that’s what you prefer,” he said softly. It was pretty obvious from his expression that it wasn’t what he wanted, but it made me happy that he was trying to make me feel comfortable.

“Don’t be stupid. Come here.” I patted the bed and made more room for him. His expression lit up, but I could still detect a hint of uncertainty in the way he moved. He was always worried about me and constantly protective of me. That would probably never change. I had to show him that I wasn’t some breakable porcelain doll. I had extraordinary abilities; I’d recently survived a serial killer, for goodness sake.

He sank down beside me and stretched out his long legs. Then he paused and pointed at a big, round red candle on his nightstand. “Do you want me to light it?”

That was too much. I couldn’t help it. I burst into laughter. “Did Holly put you up to this?” I could imagine only too well how she’d followed him around, trying to teach him what constituted a romantic date. Alec smiled sheepishly. “Maybe.”

“Okay, well, I’m not the candlelight type. The glow of a lightsaber is more my thing.”

“Thank god. This thing smells like apples and cinnamon, and I hate the stench.” The last bit of tension leaked from Alec’s body, and he sank into the crisp (the laundry staff loved starch) black cushions with Chucky’s face on the front propped up against the dark wood headboard. I pressed myself against his chest, breathing in his woodsy smell as he wrapped his arm around me. I couldn’t stop myself from wondering what his date nights had been like with Kate. Had she liked candlelight? He pressed a kiss against my temple, and I looked up, bringing our faces closer together. Our breath mingled. I leaned forward, trying my best to bury my worries. He was mine now.

“You can trust me,” he said quietly, gray eyes earnest and open. Once again, it was almost like he’d read my thoughts.

I inched toward him until I could almost feel the heat of his mouth. I kissed him and smiled against his lips. Besides Holly, Alec was the only person I’d ever allowed myself to trust completely. The feeling was comforting and thrilling at the same time. “I know.” My skin tingled from the friction as I spoke.

His lips moved against mine, softly sliding over them, tasting, claiming. The prickle of his stubble sent a sliver of desire into my belly. My eyes fell shut, and I relaxed against the mattress. Alec’s hard body pressed against me, hipbone to hipbone. His hands traveled up my throat into my hair, fingertips feather-soft. My palms marked his back as mine, pressing him tighter against me. His muscles flexed beneath my hands. His kiss was slow, unhurried, and spread fire in my body before it pooled in my belly. His lips brushed the corner of my mouth, then moved to my chin and throat. A sound tumbled out of my mouth—a sound I hadn’t known I was capable of. When I opened my eyes, Alec was watching me. A small smile played around his lips. I pushed my fingers into his black hair, relishing in the silkiness. With a groan, he climbed on top of me, careful not to crush me with his weight, and pressed his lips against me again. The feeling of his body on me, his warmth seeping into me, his smell surrounding me, I felt safer than I’d ever felt before. I felt at home. He kissed the hollow of my throat, and I tilted my head back to give him better access. His tongue darted out and flicked across my collarbone. I gasped and dug my hands into his arms. His muscles twitched under my grasp. Something was unraveling inside me—a feeling unlike anything I’d ever felt before. There was no use holding it together—I felt no need to. His hand, warm and strong, crept under my shirt. His palm rested on my stomach, friction of skin on skin raising goose bumps all over my body. But then his fingers traveled up to my rib cage, and I froze.

His fingertips rested on the mark left by my mission. The glaring red of the
A
had faded, but the scar hadn’t. It had entirely lost feeling, but it was there and always would be. Alec stopped kissing me, closed his eyes, and rested his forehead against mine, releasing a harsh breath.

“Sorry,” I whispered, feeling inexplicably sad—and just as guilty for ruining the moment.

“No,” Alec said fiercely. He pulled back to look at me, and his gray eyes held mine with a startling intensity. “Don’t you dare start feeling guilty for this.” He brushed his fingertips across the scar. I shivered.

I stared at the candle, the way its wick was bent. “I know it bothers you. I mean . . . it’s ugly . . .” I trailed off, unsure what else to say.

“It doesn’t bother me because of how it looks. It bothers me because it reminds me of the danger you faced and how I failed you, how you could have died. How I couldn’t protect you from that monster,” Alec said.

“Alec, you won’t always be able to protect me from everything. I’m capable of protecting myself. There’ll be missions in our future that we’ll have to do alone. It was my first time out in the field. I let my guard down when I shouldn’t have, and this scar is a reminder of that.” I touched his arm and kissed his cheek. “It’s in the past.”

I could tell that Alec didn’t want to drop the topic, but he pulled me against him and settled us against the pillows. His lips hovered against my temple, tension coiling in his body. He released a harsh breath and started the movie. The screen turned black before the quote “Revenge is a dish best served cold” appeared.

“
Kill Bill
,” I said, laughing with approval. “That’s my kind of movie for a romantic evening.” I grinned, and I could feel the gloom of our conversation fall away from me.

The tightness around Alec’s lips vanished. “I know. That’s what makes you so perfect.” A blush crept up my neck, and I hastily put my head down and rested it against Alec’s shoulder so he wouldn’t see it. The opening song, “Bang Bang (My Baby Shot Me Down),” started playing, and I hummed along with it. The
Kill Bill
soundtrack was one of my all time favorites. And when Alec whistled “Twisted Nerve” along with Black Mamba in her nurse costume, the moment was perfect. But no matter how much I tried to allow myself to relax, a thought haunted me. “Does she still try to talk to you?” I asked, my voice strangely hoarse.

“Hmm?” Alec’s fingers stopped tracing the skin on my arm. “What did you say?”

“Kate,” I clarified. I could see his body tense, feel it in the shift of his muscles, and I regretted ever bringing it up. “Does she still try to talk to you?”

“Tessa, do you really think this is a good time to talk about Kate?”

Of course it wasn’t. But would there ever be a time when talking about his ex-girlfriend wouldn’t be hurtful and awkward? “I need to know. Kate’s been between us for such a long time, and somehow in some way it feels like she still is.”

Alec stopped the movie. “All right,” he said slowly. “But you know that there was never anything
real
between Kate and me. We were friends, but the spark was never there between us. She and I had just been clinging to the relationship out of habit and because it seemed like the right thing to do.”
That was a strange thing to say
, I thought. Why was keeping up a relationship the right thing to do?

He continued, “She’s still pissed, and she never misses a chance to make that clear to me. She even tried to blackmail me, but—”

“Blackmail?” My neck bristled. What could Kate possibly use against Alec?

He was silent for a moment. “Yeah,” he said reluctantly. “We spent so much time together on our joint mission that we were bound to share a few secrets.”

“The mission where you and Kate first became a couple?” I still remembered the utter shock and heartbreak I’d felt when Kate and Alec had entered headquarters as a couple for the very first time. And just as vividly I remembered the twisted smile on Kate’s face and the triumph in her eyes when our gazes had crossed. I’d thought I would never hate someone more than I hated her in that moment.

Alec nodded, but I could tell from the set of his jaw and the tightness in his shoulders that that mission—or the secrets that went along with it—wasn’t something he wanted to talk about.

“I still don’t get it. If you and Kate never really loved each other, then why did you get together in the first place?” The words escaped me, even though I knew I should stop before I got a reply I didn’t want to hear.

“The mission formed some kind of bond between us. I guess that happens if you aren’t allowed to talk to anyone else about it. We only had each other, and we couldn’t help but grow closer. Our relationship was born out of practicality.” I could sense he was keeping something from me, but it was obvious that he had absolutely no intention of telling me more.

I opened my mouth, but Alec silenced me with a kiss. “Don’t let Kate ruin this evening. The relationship was a mistake. All that matters now is what’s between us.”

I nodded reluctantly and relaxed against him, though part of me didn’t want to let the topic go. Alec turned the TV back on. But suddenly seeing Kiddo’s pursuit of revenge wasn’t so funny anymore, because I was pretty sure Kate would be on a similar quest soon—not to kill me, but she would certainly make my life hell.

• • •

I woke with a start. Someone was trying to beat the door down. I sat up, brushing back a few unruly brown locks of hair that had fallen into my face. Straining, I blinked against the light. It was then that I realized I wasn’t in my room. I didn’t own bed linens with Chucky on them, or a Freddy Kruger figurine. My eyes found Alec, already on his feet, sliding his jeans over black briefs. My skin flushed with heat, and I hastily stared down at myself. I was still dressed in my T-shirt and the shorts I’d been wearing last night. I must have fallen asleep before Alec had taken his jeans off.

He gave me a quick smile. “You look adorable with your hair all over the place.”

I groaned. I knew exactly how I looked after waking up, and it definitely wasn’t adorable. My hair was naturally curly, but in the early morning light it tended to look like someone had given me electroshock therapy. Alec frowned, as though he could read my thoughts. I tried to smile, but when that failed, I trained my gaze on the
Alien
poster on the wall.

The knocking at the door grew even more insistent and made the door shake on its hinges. A tiny ball of unease gathered in my stomach. What could be so urgent this early in the morning? Had something happened?

Alec unlocked the door and pulled it open. Tanner stood in the doorway, and before I could hide under the blanket, his eyes settled on me. His eyebrows shot up—they were the same neon green as his mohawk. Somehow he pulled it off, and it looked impossibly cool with his dark skin. I waited for his teasing remark, but it didn’t come. That’s when I knew something really was wrong. I untangled myself from the blanket and staggered to my feet.

“What’s the matter? It’s not even eight on a Sunday,” Alec said, but the anxiety in his voice ruined the flippancy of words.

“You can get your beauty sleep on another day. Major wants to see you,” Tanner said. “Another agent has disappeared.”