Defining Us: The Calvin & Eric Story (69 Bottles) (33 page)

Up on stage, I watch as Eric sets up and tunes into the amps and tests a few things. While I stand there watching I can’t help but think about what I told him this morning. My delayed response had nothing to do with him, in fact, it had everything to do with what I was fighting internally. There is a huge part of me that wants to shout from the rooftops that he and I are finally together, but then there is the institutionalized side of me that can’t even begin to comprehend how to do that. I fought with my internal demons before I could honestly answer him. I think I knew, somewhere in the back of my mind, that even if we choose to be quiet about what’s happening between us that the intuitive people we work with regularly will figure it out.
 

“Enjoying the view?” I hear Addison ask me and I turn toward her.
 

I shrug and she smiles at me. “Maybe a little.”
 

She smiles a little wider. “You guys showed up together this morning.”
 

“Doesn’t mean anything,” I tell her in a clipped tone that comes off a little more asshole than I’d planned.
 

“I know that, but I remember you wanting to talk to him, then the way you guys were at my house. I was just hoping that you’d had some time to talk over the break.” Her voice is soft, comforting and I am beginning to see the hold she has on Talon and Kyle.
 

“We talked,” I whisper softly. I feel my resolve dissipating into a sea of nothing as for the first time in my life I fight the urge to explain myself. To explain everything and I don’t understand why that would be.
 

“Good, you guys deserve a chance to work through things.” She places her hand on my shoulder. There is a comfort in her touch, but it’s a totally different comfort than Eric gives me.
 

“It’s complicated.”
 

 
“It doesn’t have to be,” she tells me while she watches the stage with me. Talon’s joined Eric on stage and they’re talking.
 

“It does have to be,” I tell her cryptically.
 

“Regardless of your reasons, it truly doesn’t have to be.” I look at her, wanting to tell her that she’s wrong, that it is a thousand times worse than she could possibly imagine, but I’m pretty sure it would take much more than what I’m willing to give her right now. “If he’s who you want, you go for it, no matter the reasons.” She presses on my shoulder, urging me to turn toward her and I do. “Life is too short for what ifs. It’s way too short for never and it’s never going to be long enough for you to realize you’re ready. Regardless of what the past tells you, there is happiness in your future and he’s right on stage.” She winks at me, then leaves me standing there gaping at her.
 

“So… did you guys get to talk?” Talon starts with me the moment he steps on stage with me.
 

“Yeah, we talked.” And so much more, I add in my head.
 

“Well, then why are you two acting like you’re complete strangers?”
 

“Drop it, Talon, it’s not worth the fight you’re trying to put into this.”
 

“On the contrary, I think it is. You two are different. You seem different.” He snorts. “If I didn’t know better, I’d say you’ve put on glass shoes and you’re walking on a bed of nails.”
 

I scowl at him. “I don’t know what you’re talking about.”
 

“Oh come on, Peacock, how long have I known you? I know you’re hot for him. You can’t tell me that one little talk has squashed all that.”
 

It was more than a little talk and for the record, jackass, there is so much more brewing here than you can even comprehend. I don’t tell him this out loud. I keep it simpler, and less dickish. “Look,” I stare him down as I speak, “At the end of the day, no matter how much you press on me, it doesn’t change the fact that the story behind all of this is not mine to tell. Yes, I know what I want, and no, I will not let anything stop me from getting it, but you’ve got to understand that it isn’t as simple as wam-bam-thank-you-ma’am.” I leave it there when Addison walks on stage.
 

I catch Calvin out of the corner of my eye and something is off. “Excuse me,” I say to Talon as I walk past Addison straight to Calvin.
 

“What’s wrong?”
 

“Did you tell her?”
 

“Oh my god, no, what makes you think that?”
 

“Something she said. It threw me off guard. Almost like she knows. But I know she doesn’t. We have to tell them.”
 

“Wait, what?” I don’t know what caused me to say that exactly. “Come here,” I tell him, ushering him toward one of the empty rooms off of the main hallway. I open the door and he steps inside ahead of me.
 

“I’ve got to tell them, I’ve got to explain it to them.”
 

“Whoa, Cal, slow down. Just because you think Addison knows more than she really does isn’t a reason to go getting all freaked out about it. Listen to me.” I grab his shoulders, capturing his eyes with mine. “You’re not ready to tell them, do not rush into this before you’ve had a chance to really think about this. I understand why you’d think they know more than they do, but the truth is, they don’t. The bottom line in this is that you need to decide what to tell them and what to leave out. There are certain parts of your story that no one needs to know. You simply need to just let it ride its course.” I take a deep breath and release his shoulders. “If we give this time, eventually you’ll be more comfortable about them knowing about us, about them knowing that we’re working on something. Let them learn about it then.” A light bulb goes off. “Just because it was practically instant with Addison, and even with Raine, doesn’t mean that it has to be that way with us. We can take our time, let them wonder, let them speculate and then, when we’re both ready, we can tell them, but not a minute before. Okay?”
 

“You’re not ready to tell them?”
 

Of all the things in my speech just now, he picks up on that. “I won’t be ready until you are. The bottom line is I know where I stand with you. I know what it means for us to be together, I don’t need the world to know. But you also need to see that your fears of rejection are unfounded when it comes to these guys. They will be on our side one thousand percent. So please, remember that.”
 

“I know, I…alright, you’re right.”
 

I smirk. “I like the sound of that.”
 

“Oh shut it.” He teases me and can’t help but laugh.
 

“Look, we’ve got a long path ahead of us. Let’s not jump the gun with telling everyone. Because if we tell them now, it will raise more questions than answers. Think about it, you may feel like you’re ready to tell them, but are you honestly ready to kiss me in front of them?”
 

I watch as a wild range of emotions crosses over his features. He swallows hard before answering, “No, I don’t know that I’m ready for that.”
 

I give him a small smile. “Then that is your answer. Better to let them speculate without confirmation. Once it’s confirmed, then you need to know that they will expect certain things of us and when we don’t do those things, they will be more likely to question us. I’d rather deal with speculation than anything else.”
 

“Alright, I can live with that,” He tells me before leaning up and planting a soft, chaste kiss against my lips.
 

I smile, fighting the urge to wrap my arms around him and turn our kiss deeper, more passionate. He shudders too, as if he’s thinking the same thing as I am. “Let’s get out of here before…well, come on,” I say without finishing my thought. It went two directions, before it turns into something more and before they come looking for us. That is something I’m not ready to have them do, walk in on us.

BEING back on stage has righted all the crazy turmoil inside of me these past few days. You’d think that being on stage, in front of thousands of people would make someone crazier, but for me, it’s calming. It’s freeing. Denver show one is in the books and we’re in the bar. Who knows, maybe the bar is what I missed? Regardless, for the first time in a couple weeks, I feel grounded again. Not that everything in the last two weeks hasn’t happened, because it most certainly has, but it’s like it’s all better again.
 

Toward the end of the first part of the tour, mostly in Florida, I found myself dwelling so much on what I was so certain I couldn’t have that I lost touch with me.
 

The ship is right back where it needs to be.
 

The girls are flowing in and out of our little circle in the bar, though I find irony in the fact that no one is interested in any of them. Eric keeps watching me out of the corner of his eyes and each time I catch him looking at me, I nearly blush. It seems a bit uncharacteristic of me, but I think I’m really beginning to see what Eric means to me, or at the very least, what he’s meant to me all along.
 

Dex and Raine are all over each other, no surprise there, but something has definitely shifted between the two of them. There’s a distinct difference in certain things and certain ways she moves around him. It seems like I’ve seen it before, but I can’t place it exactly. Talon, Kyle and Addison are huddled in their own little world. It’s quite refreshing and maybe even a little freeing to watch Talon and Kyle being so much closer to each other than they were even two weeks ago when we left Florida, but I also notice that Addison seems a little different too. Maybe she’s finally feeling better.
 

I am momentarily distracted when a tall, leggy blonde enters the circle. In fact, she manages to capture everyone’s attention, including Eric’s. But she doesn’t go to Eric, or Dex, or Talon and Kyle for that matter, no, she walks right up to me. What the hell am I supposed to do now?
 

“You’re Mouse, right?”
 

I manage to place a smile on my face and look up at her. “I am, and you are?”
 

“My name is Jenny.” She smiles overly sweet in an attempt at flirting with me and I don’t know what to do. For the first time in my life, I don’t know how to reject a woman, and I certainly don’t know how I am going to do just that with all eyes on this blonde standing before me. If I reject her, they’ll know something is up.
 

“Nice to meet you, Jenny,” I tell her and I stand up. “Can I buy you a drink?” I ask, offering her my elbow. She giggles in that way giddy school girls do and I cringe when she takes my elbow. Jesus, here I thought that being around Eric publicly would give me the creeps, but this… this is just plain wrong. Eric makes no secret that what I am doing is completely wrong by the look in his eyes, that disapproving look I’ve seen so many times from him. I’m just putting on a show, really, that’s all… Fuck me!