Defying Desire (22 page)

“Come in,” Tia answered, turning from the window she’d been staring out of.

“Hey, how you feeling?” Noelle asked, first peeking her head inside, then coming fully into the room.

Tia really liked Noelle. She was fun to be around and
compassionate and she was gorgeous, there was no doubt about that. She’d assumed Noelle had a boyfriend but from the sounds of her stilted conversations with some man named Luther, it wasn’t a match made in heaven. Still, she was sure once Noelle officially dropped him she’d have many other men at her door.

“I’m better. Still a little tired though.”

“Well, the doctor said you had a virus on top of your pregnancy. So you’re probably going to need a while to get over that.”

“Yeah, you’re right. What are you up to today?” she asked when Noelle hadn’t taken her usual seat on the foot of Tia’s bed while they talked. “Is it time for you to get back to the casino?”

Noelle looked at her strangely. “Why? Are you putting me out?”

“Of course not,” Tia smiled. “You just look so serious today. I was wondering if you were hating to leave L.A.”

“No. That’s not it.”

“Then what’s going on? You can talk to me, Noelle. For all the help you’ve given me these past few days, you can tell me anything.”

Noelle sighed heavily, then looked back to Tia. “I have to tell you something that I know you’re not going to like. And I’m only going to tell you because I think you should know what’s about to happen. We’ve become pretty good friends and as a friend—”

She interrupted. “Just tell me, Noelle.”

“I know you weren’t expecting this and that’s why I wanted to say something to you first.”

“Noelle, what are you trying to say?”

“She’s trying to tell you that I’m back.”

Tia froze. His voice was like thick honey slipping all
over her body. Only she couldn’t afford to let herself get swallowed in that funnel again. Turning slowly, she let her eyes sweep the room until they found him. He looked even better than ever. He wore jeans and a T-shirt that fit him too well to be legal and an expression that said he had a lot on his mind. Tia swallowed hard.

“Are you going to be all right?” Noelle had come to stand beside her, dropping a hand to her shoulder. It was good to have a friend, another one, she thought. Camille—bless her heart—had probably told her fiancé about Tia’s pregnancy because she loved him so very much and wanted no secrets between them. And because the Donovans were thicker than thieves, Adam had most likely told Trent. She couldn’t be angry with any of them. But she was nervous as hell.

Facing Trent with this news was inevitable, however, she would have liked to be a little more prepared. Instead, here she was sitting near the window in her bedroom looking as if she’d been through a world war.

“It’s fine, Noelle. Don’t worry about it.”

Tia stood because the last thing she wanted was to appear weak in front of Trent. He expected more than that.

“I’m not going to hurt her, Noelle,” he said with a look of impatience.

Noelle sauntered toward the door. “Who said I was worried about
you
hurting
her,
” she quipped on her way out.

The corner of his mouth lifted as he shook his head and closed the door behind her. Tia watched his movements, noting the flex of muscles in his arms and his back as he turned. Her gaze continued to roam over him until she realized she was checking to see if he’d been hurt while he was away.

It had been four weeks since she’d last seen him and not one day had gone by that she hadn’t thought of him, of his safety. In fact, her nights had been filled with sleepless
hours as she’d imagined any and everything possible happening to him. Wasn’t this the very thing she’d hoped to avoid by breaking up with him?

“How are you?” he asked, leaning against the door.

He’d folded his arms over his chest as she’d perused him. He was so damned arrogant, she thought. And so damned fine.

“I’m good. How are you?”

His heart hammered in his chest with the force of a battering ram and he thought he was going to be sick. He’d say he wasn’t doing too well.

Trent had flown directly to L.A. not wanting to waste a moment by stopping in Vegas first. He’d needed to see her, to set his eyes on her once again. She was as beautiful today as she was that night in Adam’s house. She’d been crying then, today she looked as if the crying had stopped but the hurting hadn’t. He wanted to reach out and touch her, to hold her in his arms but knew that would be too much, too soon.

“I’m fine.”

“That’s good.”

“I like the house,” he said looking around the room. “What made you buy something on the coast?”

She gazed briefly out the window to the breathtaking view of cliffs and water. He’d admired the area as he’d driven here from the airport, still unable to believe she’d actually purchased a house instead of moving into another apartment. And she’d bought furniture, lots of furniture. Downstairs looked as if she’d lived here more than two years. It was comfortable, plush and peaceful. Home.

Turning back to him, she shrugged. “I’ve always liked the water.”

“So do I,” he said and watched her look of surprise. For
as much as he loved this woman he realized how little they really knew about each other. Trent knew there would never be another woman to claim his heart the way she had. And his intention had been to come here and fight for her. Now, seeing her, in this place she’d built for herself, this slice of happiness she’d managed to carve out despite the roller-coaster ride of a relationship he’d given her, he didn’t know if he could.

“Let’s not beat around the bush,” she said finally. “I really don’t have the strength for it.”

He took a tentative step toward her. “How do you feel? I heard you’ve been sick.”

She tilted her head, her braids that had been pulled back from her face shifted. His fingers itched to touched them, to take her into his arms.

“Did you hear that or did you call the doctor and ask for my records?”

He wasn’t sure how much of that question was to be taken lightly, so he shrugged. “Honestly, a little of both.”

She nodded, the edges of her lips turning upward.

“Adam didn’t give me a whole lot of information and I needed to know.”

“You needed to know what I was keeping from you again. That’s a real bad habit you have, Trent. People are entitled to their secrets if that’s what they want.”

“I needed to know that you were okay, Tia. That’s all.” Trent stopped, took a deep breath and tried to start over. He really did not want to fight with her. “Were you planning to keep my baby a secret? If so, you probably shouldn’t have told Camille.”

“Camille is loyal if nothing else.” She shook her head and moved to the window. “No. I wasn’t planning to keep the baby a secret. I would have liked to tell you in
my own time but I guess this is as good as any. We can get it over with.”

“Is that what we’re doing now? Getting it over with?”

“I don’t know what you want me to say, Trent. I’ve never known what you wanted me to say.”

“You could say that you’re happy to be carrying my child and that maybe we can make this work.” He held his breath the moment the words came out.

She turned back to him. “I am happy to be carrying your child,” she said with a wistful smile. “Two months ago the thought of carrying another baby was as fearful to me as being involved in another car accident. I’d vowed that I would never get pregnant again. And then you came along with your arrogant smile and deadly hands and wham! I’m pregnant.”

He chuckled because she’d made what they had sound so normal, so happenstance.

“I didn’t think about having a baby, either. But I’ve got to tell you I’m pretty pumped about it now.” To hell with all these pretenses. He moved to her, touching a hand to the small of her back. “I’m more than pumped, I’m ecstatic. You’re having my baby. The woman I finally fell in love with is carrying my child and she’s more beautiful than ever. I couldn’t be happier.”

Lifting a hand to cup his cheek she smiled. At that moment Trent knew instinctively what she was about to say wasn’t going to be good.

“You’re going to be a good father, I know. And I’m going to do my best to be a good mother. This will be one lucky child.”

“We’ll be great together.” He heard himself saying the words even as she shook her head.

“No. What I said before you left still stands, Trent. Us as a couple is just not going to work.”

He stiffened. “You mean you don’t want it to work.”

“I don’t want to experience it falling apart.”

“You don’t know that it will. Look, Tia, I know that my job is dangerous but it would be so even if I were a fire-fighter, a police officer. Hell, cab drivers even have it rough. It’s called living in the real world. Things happen that we have no control over.”

“But I do have control over this, don’t you see? I realize that now. I can choose to take a different route. I’m carrying your child, which means a part of you will always be connected to me. I’ll have to be content with that. You can’t expect me to endure the waiting, the not knowing.”

Her eyes filled with tears and Trent struggled with wanting to pull her close and wanting to shake some sense into her. He’d thought she’d battled this and was on her way to winning. This fear that had such a fierce hold on everything she did. He’d thought the therapy and the house had all been working toward that end. How could she be standing here telling him that she wouldn’t be with him because she was afraid he would die?

“I can’t do it, Trent. I just can’t. I know it sounds crazy and I know you don’t understand. But it’s too much, it’s too soon.”

“It’s been two years, Tia.”

“It’s been twenty-six months, a week and a day. It’s still in here.” She patted a hand over her heart. “I carry it with me just as I’m carrying your child. Just as I carried the thought of you getting shot or blown up every second you were away.”

“Baby, I’m fine. I’m here right now with you. I’m trying—”

She moved away from him. “You’re trying to make me do what you want. But sometimes, Trent, we don’t always get what we want. Sometimes we just have to deal
with what we have. And all I have right now is a bunch of memories that are partly good but mostly tragic. And I don’t know how to deal with them or if I’ll ever move past them. No, I don’t blame myself anymore and I don’t plan on living my life in a shell any longer. But these are just small steps, ones that I have to take to get me to a better place.”

“And I can’t be a part of that? Is that what you’re saying? I’m hindering your healing?” He couldn’t believe her words, didn’t want to hear them. But they were there, thrown out and sticking between them like a beaten stump.

The tears had escaped, making tracks down her pretty face, swiping at his heart with vicious strokes.

“I’m saying that it’s too much. I can’t do all this right now. I need time and space and I don’t really expect you to wait around.”

She hadn’t asked him to wait around. He would have, for her he’d wait an eternity. Hell, he felt like he already had. But Trent was nothing if he wasn’t logical. She’d made some good points. She needed to heal, completely.

In two months he had put her in the same position she’d been in before, pregnant and with a man considering a committed relationship. Feeling the fear of a repeat performance wasn’t that far-fetched. He doubted he would feel that way but then he was the one who had avoided relationships because he was afraid of leaving his family. In a sense, he and Tia were birds of the same feather. So he couldn’t really begrudge her honesty. No matter how much it hurt.

“No. You can’t expect me to wait around,” he said tightly. “But you can expect me to be a part of my child’s life. You can’t take that from me.”

She shook her head as the tears continued to flow. “No. I would never do that.”

He inhaled, then let out a deep breath. “Well, then. I guess I should go.”

When she didn’t speak again he moved to the door. Pulling it open he stopped. If this were to be the last time he could speak to her this freely, the last time he could express himself to her before they officially moved into their baby mama and baby daddy status then he wouldn’t let it go to waste. He couldn’t.

“I wanted to marry you, Tia. I wanted to give you some of the happiness that you lost. We could have been great together. A great family.”

And then he was gone. Tia threw herself onto the bed and sobbed as she hadn’t done in twenty-six months, a week and a day.

Chapter 18

“O
ne day at a time, Tia. That’s all we can do is take one day at a time,” Madeline St. Claire spoke through the phone. Her baby was hurting, again. Only this time the pain had been self-induced.

She hadn’t met this Trent Donovan, but she’d heard Tia speaking of him for weeks. In fact, she’d planned a trip to L.A. to see her daughter and to possibly meet this man who had captured her heart.

When she called Tia to tell her this she was surprised to hear the complete desolation in her voice. Now, an hour later they were still on the phone. She, trying to console and talk some sense into her only child and Tia trying to protect herself from fate. One of them was fighting a futile battle.

“He’s a soldier, Mom. Any one of his assignments could end badly.”

“Jake wasn’t a soldier, baby. He was just a man and man
only has a certain amount of time on earth. It’s the way God planned it.”

“Well, I want to make some plans of my own. Can’t I do that?”

“Yes, you can. But you need to accept that you have no control over whether or not those plans actually come to fruition. It’s about living the life you’ve been given in the time it’s given to you, Tia. If you love this man, and I can hear it in your voice that you do, then you should be with him. Nothing should stop you from grabbing hold of that love with both hands. Nothing.”

“But what if love isn’t enough?” Tia argued.

“It all starts with love. You’re carrying his child, Tia. A part of him is living and breathing in you. Don’t you think that happened for a reason?”