Delecto - Games of Mastery (part 1) (13 page)

This attack on
myself had been brutal. Far worse than ever before. I stung like
hell, and how good that felt. I deserved it. My sex was burning
with a fiery agony. I felt like I was falling apart, slipping into
the misery of insanity. I sank to my knees on the floor of the
shower and let go of myself for a while. I needed this. My loud
sobs and warm wet tears mingled with the noise of the cold water
pelting down all over me.

There was only
one person who could help me now. One person I trusted in the whole
world to tell me the truth and who understood me.

I needed to
speak to Calvin, to unload my burden.

My composure
regained, I finally had the courage to sit with Abigail. This was
my place. Where I belonged. I was now clean of body, if not of
mind, and far more worthy of her presence. I turned her iPod on and
played her some of the soothing music she so enjoyed to listen to,
she whispered at me happily. I held her hand and stared at her in a
mindless, loving trance until her eyelids started to droop with
tiredness. Gently placing her hand on her stomach, I rose from her
side, turned off the light and made my way next door, to my much
smaller bedroom.

My cell was in
my purse, so I used the house-phone to call Calvin.

His phone rang
a few times.

“
Err,
hello?” he said, obviously confused about the number.

“
It's me,
I left my cellphone at work.”

“
Oh, so
that why you didn't answer. I called you twice about a half hour
ago. Can I come over, I really need to talk to you.”

“
Yes,
please, I'd love that.” Right now there was no one I wanted to be
with, more than him. And I needed to talk to him desperately. I was
so grateful of his offer.

“
Fifteen
minutes, right?”

“
Okay.
Are you bringing Morgan?” Sometimes he did, and sometimes he
didn't. I was hoping she wasn't coming tonight. I had to behave
differently with him when his girlfriend was there. And I wanted to
have a conversation about something highly personal. I didn't want
her around.

“
No.” He
ended the call and I sat holding the receiver, a little surprised
at his curt tone. That was a very abrupt end to our call. Perhaps
he was in a rush.

* *

He came through
the door with his usual cute, lopsided smile and I hugged him
fiercely, tears forming in my eyes.

“
Oh dear,
I knew it was going to be hard for you, but was it really that bad
a day?” he asked quietly, stroking my head.

“
It was
dire. Dreadful.” I sniffed.

“
Well
mine wasn't much better.”

“
Why,
what happened?” I looked up in surprise, into his blue eyes. Eyes
that knew me so well.

“
Morgan
and I had a fight and we split.”

“
Oh
no!”

“
We've
had a few differences in opinion lately.”

“
Was it
anything to do with me?” I asked quietly. He'd told me they had
fought before, over the amount of time we spent
together.

“
It was
all to do with you.”

“
I'm so
sorry, Calvin. Really I am. And this is a strange, sad coincidence,
isn't it? Franklin and I splitting up on the day of the accident,
over you, and now you and Morgan splitting up one year later, to
the day, because of me.”

He kissed my
forehead.

“
I guess
it is. But we were only together five months. And I'm not that
upset, Mandy. Honestly. In fact I'm relieved, because I understand
myself a whole lot better now.”

“
Don't
lie to me, you told me you loved her. She's living with
you.”

“
For six
weeks, that's all! And maybe I did love her, in a small way. But
not like I love you.”

“
Well you
know I love you too. We're so lucky to have such a good friend in
each other, aren't we? It's a shame our boyfriends and girlfriends
don't understand that we...”

“
No,
listen,” he interrupted. “When I said I understand myself better
now, what I meant was, I've come to realize something today.
Actually I've known it for a long time, but for some reason I
couldn't tread down that path, like I was scared to go there, to
take the risk.”

I felt it
coming before he said it. Storm clouds gathered on my horizon. The
only safe horizon I had left was about to disappear. My heart
pounded as he took my face between his palms. “Look at me. I love
you, Mandy. I really, really love you.”

“
Oh,
Calvin,” I forced the words out. I had to say something.

“
I'm not
hearing a 'love you' echo and my God, I need one...
please
...”

“
Wait a
minute.” I gulped.

I'm in shock. I can't think straight. I've gone all
lightheaded
.

Although I
really am in shock, at his badly timed, sudden declaration of his
love for me, I am still able to think very clearly. And what I'm
thinking is, no, I didn't love him this way. I had a close
brotherly love for him, he was a very special brother, nothing
more. Why did he assume I'd feel the same way? Why the hell now,
after all these years? Why suddenly spring this on me today, of all
days?

He tipped my
chin up with a finger.

“
Just
admit to yourself, that what we have is something so good and so
very special. Could anything be more right than us?”

“
Calvin,
we’re the closest two friends can be and you know you mean the
absolute world to me...” I began, not knowing where to go after
that without hurting him. The 'but' word had to be
said...

He kissed my
cheeks and then each side of my lips.

“
And you
mean the whole world to me. Can we continue this conversation in
your room, in private?”

My whole world
sank beneath a wave of misery as he led me by the hand to my
room.

The door was
closed, and he took me in his arms and kissed me. As his lips
touched mine for the first time, I couldn't say I didn't like it.
It was more than just a pleasant physical sensation. But I didn't
feel that fire, that aching need, the one I'd felt earlier that
day. Then I watched, with growing sense of hopelessness and unease,
as he kicked off his sneakers and undressed, removing everything
but his underwear. He laid down on my bed, and patted the space at
his side, his eyes full of appeal and the sweetest expression on
his handsome features.

I'd slept with
Calvin countless times. But not in this sense. Never an intimate
one. I stood like a frozen ice statue. I couldn't do this. I wanted
to talk to Calvin about what happened today; about how stunned I'd
been by my attraction to Sebastian; to ask his honest opinion about
my behavior. Now I couldn't.

How the hell
could I?

And
unknowingly, he was about to screw my head up even more by
expecting a real love affair to suddenly blossom out of nowhere.
Well not for him, it had obviously been brewing in his head for a
while, but it had truly never entered mine.

“
Mandy,
don't worry, it's going to be so good. Come here baby,
please?”

Yes, I could
easily hug him. Yes, I could easily kiss him. But no, I couldn't
quite so easily have sex with him. Or could I? That was clearly
what he wanted. What he was expecting. I needed to face up to this,
and fast.

I forced myself
to move.

I crawled on
the bed beside him and lay down against his warm familiarity. His
smell, his feel. I knew it all so very well. In the brotherly
sense. He took me in his arms, like I was the most precious thing
in the whole world at that moment. And I knew I was, to him. And
that hurt so bad.

My heart was
crying as his lips touched mine again. They brushed against mine so
softly, stabbing me with a deep inner pain.

“
This is
a brand new start for us. A new beginning,” he murmured against my
mouth. “I don't want you to remember this day with anything but
good memories from now on. This is going to be our day.”

If only it was
that simple.

Kissing Calvin
was the saddest, most painful experience of my life after losing my
mother and what had happened to my sister. I didn't want it to be
the end. The death of our life friendship. But that was what it
was.

Couldn't I make
myself love him? I should be dying for him, after all. I'd known
him for seventeen years. Ever since we'd been placed together, by
our form tutor, that first day at school. His messy blond hair and
his bright blue eyes were a complete contrast to mine. Yin and
yang. Black and white. We'd been there for each other, through
every stage of development in our lives. We told each other
everything. Our first crushes, the first time we'd had sex, first
cigarette, first drink, first everything. We knew everything about
each other. Our strengths and fears and weaknesses. He knew me
inside and out, like long term best friends do. The fact I was
female and he was male had never really caused problems for us.
Only for other people.

Who better to
give my heart to, to devote my life to, than him? He could slot
into my family and my life seamlessly. Painlessly. My sister adored
him. My father liked him. Despite the fact he wasn't wealthy or a
golfing fanatic, but a simple IT teacher, he had earned his respect
somehow. He was who I should choose. He was the sensible choice. I
was pretty sure a lot of relationships survived on less love than I
had for him.

Why not choose
the simple path with Calvin? Why do I want more? I don't deserve
more.

I tried to
concentrate on this experience, living in the here and now, rather
than thinking about any of that.

His lips felt
so nice and I was safe and warm and protected in his arms. But this
wasn't how I needed to be kissed. I wanted an all out, heady,
consuming passion. To be possessed and taken way beyond my safety
zone. To be thrust out there and made to feel raw, earth
shattering, wildly exciting things. My heart broke because I knew
he could never arouse me like that.

I wanted
someone else far more.
Even if that someone else used
me once or twice and discarded me. It would be worth losing
everything to experience that kind of feeling.

No. No. This
is all wrong. I'm wrong.

I was a sick,
sad, twisted and disgusting individual. I didn't deserve Calvin. He
was far too good for me.

“
I love
you so much Mandy. No one else is ever going to make me happy.
They're second best. Your eyes were all I ever saw when I looked at
them.” He grabbed a handful of my hair and played with it. And my
memory was stirred, in the wrong way. The way Sebastian had played
with my hair a few hours ago, how thrilling it had been, how
wonderful to have his hands in my hair, pulling at the roots, the
feel of his fingers on my scalp, arousing me like nothing else in
this whole world could.

The pain in my
heart was stabbing so hard I wanted to die. Tears flooded my eyes
and I hugged him close to me. I couldn't bear to look at his face,
so full of love for me.

I had nothing
to give in return.

If I could just
push those green eyes out of my mind for a moment, and concentrate
hard, maybe he had a chance.

Who was I
kidding? Why did I even think that?

I couldn't
force myself to love him, because I felt I ought to, and was sorry
for him.

And I couldn't
tell him I loved him anymore. That would be a lie. Because although
I did love him, it wasn't in the way he wanted me to. He wanted me
to be 'in love' with him. I wasn't and I never would be.

I made my
decision. It may not be a good one, a wise one, or even the right
one, but I was going to give myself to him. Just this one time. And
then, I was going to say goodbye.

That might just
kill me, and him.

Wordlessly,
with a forced smile, I removed my clothes, pulled off his
underwear, and lay down on top of him.

I ran my hands
through his fair hair, as we kissed and caressed each other
tentatively, gently exploring those other places we'd not looked at
before and never thought we'd touch.

His harsh
breathing tore at my soul. Shredding it brutally. He was so excited
and wanted me so much. If only I felt the same.

I kissed his
face and looked into his eyes. I needed to give him some more
encouragement. Some sign that I felt good about this. Although I
was lying naked on him, I'd not said a thing and my silence was
speaking volumes.

“
I want
to go there with you. Take me.” I knew it was an ambiguous
statement, more was unsaid than said. But it was all the love and
honesty I could give. I didn't want to lie to him, the closest
friend I'd ever known.

I kissed his
lips and nose and each eyelid. Trying to put so much more into my
actions than I felt.

His hands
roamed over me, all around my back, my shoulders and he cupped the
softness of my ass in his hands. He groaned with pleasure. His
hands were hot and sweaty, his body fiery beneath mine. But I felt
so detached, unable to feel what he was feeling. It was as if this
was happening to someone else, not to me.

His hardness
built between us and jerked against me. My stomach contracted as I
remembered holding Sebastian tight in my hand. How it felt to
stroke that piece of hard masculinity. How I ached to have him in
my palm again. Heat flooded through me like a molten river. Just
the thought of him had the power to arouse me beyond all reason. My
stomach sucked itself in with desire and my mouth watered.