Deliverance - Hooch and Matt's Story (15 page)

“Yes,” let her think what she would. He only barely bit back a snort when he realized that she was partially right. After all, going out and getting yourself fucked by God-knows how many men, beaten up, chained, and tortured, probably counted as ‘cheating.’ They’d never agreed to be monogamous, even though they had been for the last few years. Too much risk otherwise, they’d more or less decided in that way that they had, without words.

“I see.” Her voice was even gentler than before. “But you still love him?” She continued straight away, “and don’t tell me that sometimes that’s not enough, because if two people love each other, then they have to do everything they can to make it work.”

“Yes.” He loved that crazy, silent, maddening bastard more than anything. He was worth the lying, the worry, the Marines. But whether he was worth the pain of a repeat, the pain of the not-knowing, when he was out doing mad-assed crazy shit to himself, he still didn’t know. “It’s been a long road,” Matt said at last, “so we’re thinking about whether it’s where we both want to be going.” Knowing that he was lying, knowing that he wanted Hooch for the rest of his life—and that Hooch wanted him for most of it—except the bits where he had that urge to go out and get himself hurt so badly that he was barely human.

“Are you, dear? Are you both thinking that?” Anne let out a soft sound, like a tutting. “Have you two actually talked about this?”

He couldn’t lie, but she knew Hooch. “No,” he had to say. “Hooch isn’t one for talking.”

“Yes, I figured that, but darling, have you actually tried? I’m not saying this to defend whatever Hooch did, but you know better than I do that he is quite a broken man.”

“Broken?” How the fuck could she know about his…thing?

“I talked to him, darling, remember? And I haven’t been a mother to all of my brood for nothing. I can sense a very lost child a mile wide.”

Only she could see that in Hooch, Matt thought, where everyone else saw the finely-honed killer. Hooch, who never spoke more than a word about his family if he could help it, who never spoke of his past. Who had been to Texas once or twice in the last three years, only when he could not avoid it, and scarcely more than a couple of days. Hooch, completely lost the first time when he visited Matt’s family. “What he does takes a lot out of him,” Matt said at last, noncommittally.

“Yes, I can imagine. While I don’t claim to know anything about the sort of thing your jobs entailed, I can imagine that it’s not something most people could do. But darling, don’t you think you should at least try to talk to him? It seems to me that if you don’t, you will regret it for the rest of your life.”

“We will,” Matt said vaguely, “we need to sort stuff out either way.” Looking at Hooch’s things around the apartment. Not that there was all that much of it, but each was a painful reminder: the coffee mug on the bench, the tattered paperbacks on the shelves, even the meticulously ordered clothes still in the wardrobe. All brought a pang. A repeat was unthinkable, but so was life without Hooch.

“Good.” Anne managed to convey her disbelief in that one soft word. “I’ll call you again. Send my love to Hooch when you talk to him.”

“I will,” Matt said quietly. “I will.” more to himself than to her, as he finished the call and put down the phone.

* * *

It was a lonely Christmas and New Year. Hooch volunteered for duty over the holidays, watching the base empty of everyone who had managed to get leave, while those remaining grumbled about staying on base. He’d spent holidays on base before, letting the men who had families and actually wanted the time off take it, but this year felt far bleaker. No Matt kissing him awake with his customary enthusiasm on Christmas morning, no stupid joke presents, no New Year’s celebration in the apartment, nothing.

There were Christmas-tree shaped shortbread cookies from Mandy, delivered by Jeff, who made half-hearted attempts to make him call the gym again, sensing it was hopeless. Jeff seemed wary of him after the last disclosure, as Hooch realized that he and Matt were possibly the worst-kept secret in Fort Bragg.

He got a call from New Zealand at the start of the holidays, and Hooch managed to be evasive, but when he ended the call, he realized that the gaping wound of missing Matt had not closed in the slightest over the past weeks. As raw and as painful as ever. He now knew what heartache was.

It was just as lonely in the gym during this quiet time. Even the most committed members decided to take a few days break for the holidays. With Mandy going up to Boston to meet Jeff’s family, the remaining skeleton staff were professional and friendly, but nevertheless distracted by their own holiday thoughts. The gift for Hooch from his sister arrived at the gym the usual three days before Christmas, the beautifully wrapped box whose contents Hooch would stash away and never use, as always. Accompanied by a card that he would read once and then quietly put away. Matt sent the package up to base, no further note attached.

The day after New Year, Matt’s private phone rang. It didn’t show a number, but the caller became clear at the unmistakable voice with its Scottish accent and the customary exhale of smoke.

“Right, kid.” Dan charged straight into the fray without a word of greeting. “I probably should be doing the Happy New Year shit, but I’ve been driven crazy by the Russkie’s worrying. What the fuck is going on your way?”

He should have expected this at some point, Matt thought. “Hooch and I are on a break.” It sounded feeble even for him. What was it now, two months? Almost that.

“Really, is that it?” Another deep inhale at the other end of the phone. “And that’s why we are thinking about mounting a rescue mission?” The inevitable exhale of smoke. “Come on, mate, you can do better than that. Tell me what the fuck happened and I might get a decent night’s sleep in the near future.”

A moment’s thought, a sigh, but this was Dan, who Matt owed more than anything. Dan, who had brought Hooch into his life. Dan, who had helped him get information about Hooch in what had, until now, been the worst moment of his life.

“You know what they do when they get together, don’t you?” he asked, unnecessarily, because of course Dan would know.

“Aye, and I also know that Hooch called a couple of months ago. That’s a bit of a coincidence.”

Fuck, if that didn’t make perfect sense. “It is, isn’t it?” Matt stalled, while things slotted into place.

“Aye.” Dan gave Matt a moment, during which he took another audible drag of his obligatory cigarette. “Does that mean you are finally going to tell me what the bloody hell happened?”

“He went to get himself worked over somewhere and rang me the next morning to get him, when he was three-quarters dead.” It sounded awfully cold put like that.

“Well, shit.” Dan’s comment came out like a bullet. “That’s serious crap, but only part of the story, aye?”

“It was the fucking last straw,” the heat in Matt’s voice surprised him, as it finally hit. “He’s been fucking unbearable since September, more so since the fuck-ups began, and we got blackmailed over the fucking summer and then he went and pulled this shit.”

“Crap.” Dan retorted, with feeling. “I’d be pissed off to hell and back, too, but what does he have to say about it?”

Dan had a way of demanding the truth, even half a world away. “Nothing,” Matt said, after a pause. “We haven’t spoken since he left.”

“Well, color me surprised. Not.” A last exhale and the sound of a cigarette butt being violently stubbed out in the ashtray. “Look, mate, I get it. Talking is shit. It’s a worse torture than being raked over glowing coals, but not talking in that situation? For two bloody months?” Dan raised his voice, “
are you two fucking stupid
?”

What a redundant question. “I guess we are.”

“Bingo. You and Hooch score the jackpot.” A faint raspy sound as Dan seemed to rub his hand over his face. “What a mess, and there wasn’t even any KGB involved.”

“No, I think we managed fine on our own.” Matt felt the misery claw at him from the inside.

“I’m no expert on relationships,” Dan huffed a laugh, “far from it, but you two really take the biscuit.” He paused, “look, I’m going to talk to Hooch, aye? I’ll tell him he’s a fucking idiot, and then we’ll leave you two to your own devices.” An unspoken expectation that those devices were expected to be more communicative than they had been. “Alright, mate?”

“Alright.” Apprehension, and more than a bit of bleak amusement. Dan had got them together to begin with

no wonder he took such an interest.

“Don’t think I do that for you two. I’m selfish, remember? I want a decent bloody night’s sleep.” Dan chuckled, “bye.”

“Bye,” Matt smiled despite himself and his misery. Dan had a way of doing that. He put down the phone, and very firmly went and placed Hooch’s coffee mug into the cupboard, where it belonged.

* * *

Back on base, Hooch’s cell rang.
“Yeah?” He answered warily, not recognizing the number.

“What the fuck do you think you are doing?” Dan’s voice battered through the phone.

“With what?”

“Throwing your one chance away by not having the courage to do that talking shit.”

“I…can’t.” Even that was hard. “I don’t have the words.”

“Okay.” Dan calmed down somewhat. “I get it, I really do. I can guess what you did out there after you called a couple of months ago, and in what state you ended up in, but I’ve been through the shit, had my heart ripped out, and the one thing I learned through that? That if you don’t communicate in whatever way you can, you’re so fucked, you could just about throw your life away, because that equates to the same thing.” He paused, during which Hooch felt his breath hitch. “You’re not enemies, Hooch.” Dan’s voice had softened, “you’re not on two different sides. You might think you are fucked up, but hell, you didn’t have someone torture the last shred of self out of you. So, yeah, you’re a masochistic bastard, and you got issues a mile wide, but you don’t have anyone actually physically holding you back to pick up your damned phone and call the one person you love. Because you love Matt, don’t you?” He didn’t allow Hooch to get a word in edgewise. “Aye, I know that you do, even though I bet you’ve never said it.” Dan was on a roll now. “If you don’t have the words, then tell him that you don’t have them. If you can’t tell him what you feel, then show him. If you have to beg to be allowed to show him, then bloody well do it! Don’t be as stupid as we were, because you’re more clever than that and you haven’t got most of the world against you. Goddammit, Hooch, do you get me?”

“Yes,” and fuck, he did. Too caught up in his own pain and misery, too aware it had been his own making.

Dan let out a deep breath. “Thank fuck. Then take that chance and go for it. At least, if it doesn’t work out, you tried. Whatever shit you did, I guess you figured out a few things in the meantime, aye?”

“Yes.” That all the fear, the terror, the pain, the guilt—nothing was as agonizing as the thought of losing Matt.

“Get your arse in gear, soldier, because I hang up now.” True to his word, the line went dead.

Hooch kept staring at the phone in his hand for exactly ten seconds, before he hit the speed dial for Matt. If he thought about it for too long, he’d realize once again how unequipped as he was with emotional tools, but cowardice wasn’t an option any longer. He had nothing to lose, and everything to win.

He listened to the ring tone of Matt’s cell.

“Hi.” Matt’s voice. Level, unsurprised. Wary? It was hard to tell.

“Can I see you?” Hooch sounded nervous even to his own ears.

“Yes.” A pause, “do you want to come down? Do you have a new truck yet? Or should I come up?” Questions, so many questions.

“I bought a truck a month ago.” All the little things that had hurt in new ways, such as the simple task of buying a truck and not telling Matt. Every little thing had fed the wound. “I could get a stand-in and come to the gym.” Not ‘your place’, certainly not ‘our place’, carefully neutral instead.

“Yes,” there was a soft exhale, “that would be good. It’s still closed for the holidays so we’ll have privacy.”

“Thanks, Matt. I’ll be there as soon as I can.” Hooch cancelled the call and stood in his room for a moment, looking at the bare wall. He was shit-scared, because he still didn’t have the words, but he’d had a long time to think, and he was going to try to communicate those thoughts, even if it killed him.

Staring at the phone in his hand, Matt took a deep breath before putting it down. Twenty minutes at least to work out what he was going to say. Twenty minutes before he’d have what felt like the toughest conversation of his life. Coming out to his parents was easy compared to this. He opened the door and went down into the deserted gym to wait.

For once, it actually did take Hooch twenty minutes, not the fifteen he usually managed with his maniac driving if there wasn’t any traffic. His silhouette visible in front of the frosted glass door, as he rang the bell. One outside, one inside, and neither could see through to the other.

Matt opened the door.”You look…” ‘like shit’ was what he was about to say, but he bit it back as he stepped aside to let Hooch enter

“Yeah, I guess.” Hooch replied. He stopped once he’d entered, and turned to watch Matt lock the doors behind them. Matt. Fucking hell, it hurt to see him, as it all came rushing towards him, the loneliness, and the misery of knowing how he’d fucked up.