Delphi Complete Works of Sir Arthur Conan Doyle (Illustrated) (1084 page)

(The
COLONEL
sits down.)

I wanted to have five minutes’ chat with you.

COLONEL:
I wanted to have five minutes’ chat with you.

(
HOLMES
sits down near him and crosses his leg.)

I won’t deny that I intended to assault you just now.

HOLMES:
It struck me that some idea of that sort had crossed your mind.

COLONEL:
And with reason, sir, with reason.

HOLMES:
But why this attention?

COLONEL:
Because you have gone out of your way to annoy me. Because you have put your creatures on my track.

HOLMES:
My creatures?

COLONEL:
I have had them followed. I know that they come to report to you here.

HOLMES:
No, I assure you.

COLONEL:
Tut, sir! Other people can observe as well as you. Yesterday there was an old sporting man; to-day it was an elderly lady. They held me in view all day.

HOLMES:
Really, sir, you compliment me! Old Baron Dowson, before he was hanged at Newgate, was good enough to say that in my case what the law had gained the stage had lost. And now you come along with your kindly words. In the name of the elderly lady and of the sporting gentleman I thank you. There was also an out-of-work plumber who was an artistic dream — you seem to have overlooked him.

COLONEL:
It was you. . . you!

HOLMES:
Your humble servant! If you doubt it, you can see the parasol upon the settee which you so politely handed to me this morning down in the Minories.

COLONEL:
If I had known you might never —

HOLMES:
Never have seen this humble home again. I was well aware of it. But it happens you didn’t know, and here we are, quite chatty and comfortable.

COLONEL:
What you say only makes matters worse. It was not your agents, but you yourself, who have dogged me. Why have you done this?

HOLMES:
You used to shoot tigers?

COLONEL:
Yes, sir.

HOLMES:
But why?

COLONEL:
Pshaw! Why does any man shoot a tiger? excitement. The danger.

HOLMES:
And no doubt the satisfaction of freeing the country from a pest, which devastates it and lives on the population.

COLONEL:
Exactly.

HOLMES:
My reasons in a nutshell.

COLONEL
(springing to his feet)
: Insolent!

HOLMES:
Sit down, sir, sit down! There was another more practical reason.

COLONEL:
Well?

HOLMES:
I want that yellow Crown Diamond.

COLONEL:
Upon my word! Well, go on.

HOLMES:
You knew that I was after you for that. The reason why you are here to-night is to find out how much I know about the matter. Well, you can take it that I know all about it, save one thing, which you are about to tell me.

COLONEL
(sneering)
: And, pray, what is that?

HOLMES:
Where the diamond is.

COLONEL:
Oh, you want to know that, do you? How the devil should I know where it is?

HOLMES:
You not only know, but you are about to tell me.

COLONEL:
Oh, indeed!

HOLMES:
You can’t bluff me, Colonel. You’re absolute plate glass. I see to the very back of your mind.

COLONEL:
Then of course you see where the diamond is.

HOLMES:
Ah! then you do know. You have admitted it.

COLONEL:
I admit nothing.

HOLMES:
Now, Colonel, if you will be reasonable we can do business together. If not you may get hurt.

COLONEL:
And you talk about bluff!

HOLMES
(raising a book from the table)
: Do you know what I keep inside this book?

COLONEL:
No, sir, I do not.

HOLMES:
You.

COLONEL:
Me!

HOLMES:
Yes, sir, you. You’re all here, every action of your vile and dangerous life.

COLONEL:
Damn you, Holmes! Don’t go too far.

HOLMES:
Some interesting details, Colonel. The real facts as to the death of Miss Minnie Warrender of Laburnum Grove. All here, Colonel.

COLONEL:
You — you devil!

HOLMES:
And the story of young Arbothnot, who was found drowned in the Regents Canal just before his intended exposure of you for cheating at cards.

COLONEL:
I — I never hurt the boy.

HOLMES:
But he died at a very seasonable time. Do you want some more, Colonel? Plenty of it here. How about the robbery in the train deluxe to the Riviera, February 13th, 1892? How about the forged cheque on the Credit Lyonnais the same year?

COLONEL:
No, you’re wrong there.

HOLMES:
Then I’m right on the others. Now, Colonel, you are a card-player. When the other fellow holds all the trumps it saves time to throw down your hand.

COLONEL:
If there was a word of truth in all this, would I have been a free man all these years?

HOLMES:
I was not consulted. There were missing links in the police case. But I have a way of finding missing links. You may take it from me that I could do so.

COLONEL:
Bluff! Mr. Holmes, bluff!

HOLMES:
Oh, you wish me to prove my words! Well, if I touch this bell it means the police, and from that instant the matter is out of my hands. Shall I?

COLONEL:
What has all this to do with the jewel you speak of?

HOLMES:
Gently, Colonel! Restrain that eager mind. Let me get to the point in my own hum-drum way. I have all this against you, and I also have a clear case against both you and your fighting bully in this case of the Crown Diamond.

COLONEL:
Indeed!

HOLMES:
I have the cabman who took you to Whitehall, and the cabman who brought you away. I have the commissionaire who saw you beside the case. I have Ikey Cohen who refused to cut it up for you. Ikey has peached, and the game is up.

COLONEL:
Hell!

HOLMES:
That’s the hand I play from. But there’s one card missing. I don’t know where this king of diamonds is.

COLONEL:
You never shall know.

HOLMES:
Tut! tut! don’t turn nasty. Now, consider. You’re going to be locked up for twenty years. So is Sam Merton. What good are you going to get out of your diamond? None in world. But if you let me know where it is. . . well, I’ll compound a felony. We don’t want you or Sam. We want the stone. Give up, and so far as I am concerned you can go free so long as you behave yourself in the future. If you make another slip, then God help you. But this time my commission is to get the stone, not you.
(Rings bell.)

COLONEL:
But if I refuse?

HOLMES:
Then, alas, it must be you, not the stone.

(Enter
BILLY
.)

BILLY:
Yes, sir.

HOLMES
(to the
COLONEL
)
: I think we had better have your friend Sam at this conference. Billy, you will see a large and very ugly gentleman outside the front door. Ask him to come up, will you?

BILLY:
Yes, sir. Suppose he won’t come, sir?

HOLMES:
No force, Billy! Don’t be rough with him. If you tell him Colonel Moran wants him, he will come.

BILLY:
Yes, sir.

(
BILLY
goes out.)

COLONEL:
What’s the meaning of this, then?

HOLMES:
My friend Watson was with me just now. I told him that I had a shark and a gudgeon in my net. Now, I’m drawing the net and up they come together.

COLONEL
(leaning forward):
You won’t die in your bed Holmes!

HOLMES:
D’you know, I have often had the same idea. For that matter, your own finish is more likely to be perpendicular than horizontal. But these anticipations are morbid. Let us give ourselves up to the unrestrained enjoyment of the present. No good fingering your revolver, my friend, for you know perfectly well that you dare not use it. Nasty, noisy things, revolvers. Better stick to airguns, Colonel Moran. Ah! … I think I hear the footsteps of your estimable partner.

(Enter
BILLY
.)

BILLY:
Mr. Sam Merton.

(Enter
SAM MERTON
, in check suit and loud necktie, yellow overcoat.)

HOLMES:
Good day, Mr. Merton. Rather damp in the street, is it not?

(
BILLY
goes out.)

MERTON
(to the
COLONEL
)
:What’s the game? What’s up?

HOLMES:
If I may put it in a nutshell, Mr. Merton, I should say it is all up.

MERTON
(to the
COLONEL
)
: Is this cove tryin’ to be funny — or what? I’m not in the funny mood myself.

HOLMES:
You’ll feel even less humourous as the evening advances, I think I can promise you that. Now, look here, Colonel. I’m a busy man and I can’t waste time. I’m going into the bedroom. Pray make yourselves entirely at home in my absence. You can explain to your friend how the matter lies. I shall try over the Barcarolle upon my violin.
(Looks at watch.)
In five minutes I shall return for your final answer. You quite grasp the alternative, don’t you? Shall we take you, or shall we have the stone?

(
HOLMES
goes into his bedroom, taking his violin with him.)

MERTON:
What’s that? He knows about the stone!

COLONEL:
Yes, he knows a dashed sight too much about it. I’m not sure that he doesn’t know all about it.

MERTON:
Good Lord!

COLONEL:
Ikey Cohen has split.

MERTON:
He has, has he? I’ll do him down a thick ‘un for that.

COLONEL:
But that won’t help us. We’ve got to make up our minds what to do.

MERTON:
Half a mo’. He’s not listening, is he?
(Approaches bedroom door.)
No, it’s shut. Look to me as if it was locked.

(Music begins.)

Ah! there he is, safe enough.
(Goes to curtain.)
Here, I say!
(Draws it back, disclosing the figure.)
Here’s that cove again, blast him!

COLONEL:
Tut! it’s a dummy. Never mind it.