Delphi Complete Works of Sir Arthur Conan Doyle (Illustrated) (666 page)

TO MRS. MAUDE CROSSE

Dear Maude, - All the little two-oared boats which put out into the great ocean have need of some chart which will show them how to lay their course.  Each starts full of happiness and confidence, and yet we know how many founder, for it is no easy voyage, and there are rocks and sandbanks upon the way.  So I give a few pages of your own private log, which tell of days of peace, and days of storm - such storms as seem very petty from the deck of a high ship, but are serious for the two-oared boats.  If your peace should help another to peace, or your storm console another who is storm-tossed, then I know that you will feel repaid for this intrusion upon your privacy.  May all your voyage be like the outset, and when at last the oars fall from your hands, and those of Frank, may other loving ones be ready to take their turn of toil - and so,
bon voyage
!

Ever your friend,

THE AUTHOR.

Jan.
20, 1899.

CHAPTER I - THE OVERTURE - ABOUT THAT DAT
E

These are the beginnings of some of the letters which they wrote about that time.

Woking, May 20th.

My Dearest Maude, - You know that your mother suggested, and we agreed, that we should be married about the beginning of September.  Don’t you think that we might say the 3rd of August?  It is a Wednesday, and in every sense suitable.  Do try to change the date, for it would in many ways be preferable to the other.  I shall be eager to hear from you about it.  And now, dearest Maude . . . (The rest is irrelevant.)

St. Albans, May 22nd.

My Dearest Frank, - Mother sees no objection to the 3rd of August, and I am ready to do anything which will please you and her.  Of course there are the guests to be considered, and the dressmakers and other arrangements, but I have no doubt that we shall be able to change the date all right.  O Frank . . . (What follows is beside the point.)

Woking, May 25th.

My Dearest Maude, - I have been thinking over that change of date, and I see one objection which had not occurred to me when I suggested it.  August the 1st is Bank holiday, and travelling is not very pleasant about that time.  My idea now is that we should bring it off before that date.  Fancy, for example, how unpleasant it would be for your Uncle Joseph if he had to travel all the way from Edinburgh with a Bank-holiday crowd.  It would be selfish of us if we did not fit in our plans so as to save our relatives from inconvenience.  I think therefore, taking everything into consideration, that the 20th of July, a Wednesday, would be the very best day that we could select.  I do hope that you will strain every nerve, my darling, to get your mother to consent to this change.  When I think . . . (A digression follows.)

St. Albans, May 27th.

My Dearest Frank, - I think that what you say about the date is very reasonable, and it is so sweet and unselfish of you to think about Uncle Joseph.  Of course it would be very unpleasant for him to have to travel at such a time, and we must strain every nerve to prevent it.  There is only one serious objection which my mother can see.  Uncle Percival (that is my mother’s second brother) comes back from Rangoon about the end of July, and will miss the wedding (O Frank, think of its being
our
wedding!) unless we delay it.  He has always been very fond of me, and he might be hurt if we were married so immediately before his arrival.  Don’t you think it would be as well to wait?  Mother leaves it all in your hands, and we shall do exactly as you advise.  O Frank . . . (The rest is confidential.)

Woking, May 29th.

My Own Dearest, - I think that it would be unreasonable upon the part of your Uncle Percival to think that we ought to have changed the date of a matter so important to ourselves, simply in order that he should be present.  I am sure that on second thoughts your mother and yourself will see the thing in this light.  I must say, however, that in one point I think you both show great judgment.  It would certainly be invidious to be married
immediately
before his arrival.  I really think that he would have some cause for complaint if we did that.  To prevent any chance of hurting his feelings, I think that it would be far best, if your mother and you agree with me, that we should be married upon July 7th.  I see that it is a Thursday, and in every way suitable.  When I read your last letter . . . (The remainder is unimportant.)

St. Albans, June 1st
.

Dearest Frank, - I am sure that you are right in thinking that it would be as well not to have the ceremony too near the date of Uncle Percival’s arrival in England.  We should be so sorry to hurt his feelings in any way.  Mother has been down to Madame Mortimer’s about the dresses, and she thinks that everything could be hurried up so as to be ready by July 7th.  She is so obliging, and her skirts
do
hang so beautifully.  O Frank, it is only a few weeks’ time, and then . . .

Woking, June 3rd.

My Own Darling Maude, - How good you are - and your mother also - in falling in with my suggestions!  Please, please don’t bother your dear self about dresses.  You only want the one travelling-dress to be married in, and the rest we can pick up as we go.  I am sure that white dress with the black stripe - the one you were playing tennis with at the Arlingtons’ - would do splendidly.  You looked simply splendid that day.  I am inclined to think that it is my favourite of all your dresses, with the exception of the dark one with the light-green front.  That shows off your figure so splendidly.  I am very fond also of the grey Quaker-like alpaca dress.  What a little dove you do look in it!  I think those dresses, and of course your satin evening-dress, are my favourites.  On second thoughts, they are the only dresses I have ever seen you in.  But I like the grey best, because you wore it the first time I ever - you remember!  You must
never
get rid of those dresses.  They are too full of associations.  I want to see you in them for years, and years, and years.

What I wanted to say was that you have so many charming dresses, that we may consider ourselves independent of Madame Mortimer.  If her things should be late, they will come in very usefully afterwards.  I don’t want to be selfish or inconsiderate, my own dearest girlie, but it would be rather too much if we allowed my tailor or your dressmaker to be obstacles to our union.  I just want you - your dainty little self - if you had only your ‘wee coatie,’ as Burns says.  Now look here!  I want you to bring your influence to bear upon your mother, and so make a small change in our plans.  The earlier we can have our honeymoon, the more pleasant the hotels will be.  I do want your first experiences with me to be without a shadow of discomfort.  In July half the world starts for its holiday.  If we could get away at the end of this mouth, we should just be ahead of them.  This month, this very month!  Oh, do try to manage this, my own dearest girl.  The 30th of June is a Tuesday, and in every way suitable.  They could spare me from the office most excellently.  This would just give us time to have the banns three times, beginning with next Sunday.  I leave it in your hands, dear.  Do try to work it.

St. Albans, June 4th.

My Dearest Frank, - We nearly called in the doctor after your dear old preposterous letter.  My mother gasped upon the sofa while I read her some extracts.  That I, the daughter of the house, should be married in my old black and white tennis-dress, which I wore at the Arlingtons’ to save my nice one!  Oh, you are simply splendid sometimes!  And the learned way in which you alluded to my alpaca.  As a matter of fact, it’s a merino, but that doesn’t matter.  Fancy your remembering my wardrobe like that!  And wanting me to wear them all for years!  So I shall, dear, secretly, when we are quite quite alone.  But they are all out of date already, and if in a year or so you saw your poor dowdy wife with tight sleeves among a roomful of puff-shouldered young ladies, you would not be consoled even by the memory that it was in that dress that you first . . . you know!

As a matter of fact, I
must
have my dress to be married in.  I don’t think mother would regard it as a legal marriage if I hadn’t, and if you knew how nice it will be, you would not have the heart to interfere with it.  Try to picture it, silver-grey - I know how fond you are of greys - a little white chiffon at neck and wrists, and the prettiest pearl trimming.  Then the hat
en suite,
pale-grey lisse, white feather and brilliant buckle.  All these details are wasted upon you, sir, but you will like it when you see it.  It fulfils your ideal of tasteful simplicity, which men always imagine to be an economical method of dressing, until they have wives and milliners’ bills of their own.

And now I have kept the biggest news to the last.  Mother has been to Madame, and she says that if she works all night, she will have everything ready for the 30th.  O Frank, does it not seem incredible!  Next Tuesday three weeks.  And the banns!  Oh my goodness, I am frightened when I think about it!  Dear old boy, you won’t tire of me, will you?  Whatever should I do if I thought you had tired of me!  And the worst of it is, that you don’t know me a bit.  I have a hundred thousand faults, and you arc blinded by your love and cannot see them.  But then some day the scales will fall from your eyes, and you will perceive the whole hundred thousand at once.  Oh, what a reaction there will be!  You will see me as I am, frivolous, wilful, idle, petulant, and altogether horrid.  But I do love you, Frank, with all my heart, and soul, and mind, and strength, and you’ll count that on the other side, won’t you?  Now I am so glad I have said all this, because it is best that you should know what you should expect.  It will be nice for you to look back and to say, ‘She gave me fair warning, and she is no worse than she said.’  O Frank, think of the 30th.

P.S
. - I forgot to say that I had a grey silk cape, lined with cream, to go with the dress.  It is just sweet!

So that is how they arranged about the date.

CHAPTER II - THE OVERTURE CONTINUED - IN A MINOR KE
Y

Woking, June 7th.

My Own Dearest Maude, - How I wish you were here, for I have been down, down, down, in the deepest state of despondency all day.  I have longed to hear the sound of your voice, or to feel the touch of your hand!  How can I be despondent, when in three weeks I shall be the husband of the dearest girl in England?  That is what I ask myself, and then the answer comes that it is just exactly on that account that my wretched conscience is gnawing at me.  I feel that I have not used you well; I owe you reparation, and I don’t know what to do.

In your last dear letter you talk about being frivolous. 
You
have never been frivolous.  But I have been frivolous - for ever since I have learned to love you, I have been so wrapped up in my love, with my happiness gilding everything about me, that I have never really faced the prosaic facts of life or discussed with you what our marriage will really necessitate.  And now, at this eleventh hour, I realise that I have led you on in ignorance to an act which will perhaps take a great deal of the sunshine out of your life.  What have I to offer you in exchange for the sacrifice which you will make for me?  Myself, my love, and all that I have - but how little it all amounts to!  You are a girl in a thousand, in ten thousand - bright, beautiful, sweet, the dearest lady in all the land.  And I an average man - or perhaps hardly that - with little to boast of in the past, and vague ambitions for the future.  It is a poor bargain for you, a most miserable bargain.  You have still time.  Count the cost, and if it be too great, then draw back even now without fear of one word or inmost thought of reproach from me.  Your whole life is at stake.  How can I hold you to a decision which was taken before you realised what it meant?  Now I shall place the facts before you, and then, come what may, my conscience will be at rest, and I shall be sure that you are acting with your eyes open.

You have to compare your life as it is, and as it will be.  Your father is rich, or at least comfortably off, and you have been accustomed all your life to have whatever you desired.  From what I know of your mother’s kindness, I should imagine that no wish of yours has ever remained ungratified.  You have lived well, dressed well, a sweet home, a lovely garden, your collie, your canary, your maid.  Above all, you have never had anxiety, never had to worry about the morrow.  I can see all your past life so well.  In the mornings, your music, your singing, your gardening, your reading.  In the afternoons, your social duties, the visit and the visitor.  In the evening, tennis, a walk, music again, your father’s return from the City, the happy family-circle, with occasionally the dinner, the dance, and the theatre.  And so smoothly on, month after month, and year after year, your own sweet, kindly, joyous nature, and your bright face, making every one round you happy, and so reacting upon your own happiness.  Why should you bother about money?  That was your father’s business.  Why should you trouble about housekeeping?  That was your mother’s duty.  You lived like the birds and the flowers, and had no need to take heed for the future.  Everything which life could offer was yours.

And now you must turn to what is in store for you, if you are still content to face the future with me.  Position I have none to offer.  What is the exact position of the wife of the assistant-accountant of the Co-operative Insurance Office?  It is indefinable.  What are my prospects?  I may become head-accountant.  If Dinton died - and I hope he won’t, for he is an excellent fellow - I should probably get his berth.  Beyond that I have no career.  I have some aspirations after literature - a few critical articles in the monthlies - but I don’t suppose they will ever lead to anything of consequence.

And my income, £400 a year with a commission on business I introduce.  But that amounts to hardly anything.  You have £50.  Our total, then, is certainly under £500.  Have you considered what it will mean to leave that charming house at St. Albans - the breakfast-room, the billiard-room, the lawn - and to live in the little £50 a year house at Woking, with its two sitting-rooms and pokey garden?  Have I a right to ask you to do such a thing?  And then the housekeeping, the planning, the arranging, the curtailing, the keeping up appearances upon a limited income.  I have made myself miserable, because I feel that you are marrying me without a suspicion of the long weary uphill struggle which lies before you.  O Maude, my darling Maude, I feel that you sacrifice too much for me!  If I were a man I should say to you, ‘Forget me - forget it all!  Let our relations be a closed chapter in your life.  You can do better.  I and my cares come like a great cloud-bank to keep the sunshine from your young life.  You who are so tender and dainty!  How can I bear to see you exposed to the drudgery and sordid everlasting cares of such a household!  I think of your graces, your pretty little ways, the elegancies of your life, and how charmingly you carry them off.  You are born and bred for just such an atmosphere as the one which you breathe.  And I take advantage of my good-fortune in winning your love to drag you down, to take the beauty and charm from your life, to fill it with small and vulgar cares, never-ending and soul-killing.  Selfish beast that I am, why should I allow you to come down into the stress and worry of life, when I found you so high above it?  And what can I offer you in exchange?’  These are the thoughts which come back and back all day, and leave me in the blackest fit of despondency.  I confessed to you that I had dark humours, but never one so hopeless as this.  I do not wish my worst enemy to be as unhappy as I have been to-day.

Write to me, my own darling Maude, and tell me all you think, your very inmost soul, in this matter.  Am I right?  Have I asked too much of you?  Does the change frighten you?  You will have this in the morning, and I should have my answer by the evening post.  I shall meet the postman.  How hard I shall try not to snatch the letter from him, or to give myself away.  Wilson has been in worrying me with foolish talk, while my thoughts were all of our affairs.  He worked me up into a perfectly homicidal frame of mind, but I hope that I kept on smiling and was not discourteous to him.  I wonder which is right, to be polite but hypocritical, or to be inhospitable but honest.

Good-bye, my own dearest sweetheart - all the dearer when I feel that I may lose you. - Ever your devoted

FRANK.

St. Albans, June 8th.

Frank, tell me for Heaven’s sake what your letter means!  You use words of love, and yet you talk of parting.  You speak as if our love were a thing which we might change or suppress.  O Frank, you cannot take my love away from me.  You don’t know what you are to me, my heart, my life, my all.  I would give my life for you willingly, gladly - every beat of my heart is for you.  You don’t know what you have become to me.  My every thought is yours, and has been ever since that night at the Arlingtons’.  My love is so deep and strong, it rules my whole life, my every action from morning to night.  It is the very breath and heart of my life - unchangeable.  I could not alter my love any more than I could stop my heart from beating.  How could you, could you suggest such a thing!  I know that you really love me just as much as I love you, or I should not open my heart like this.  I should be too proud to give myself away.  But I feel that pride is out of place when any mistake or misunderstanding may mean lifelong misery to both of us.  I would only say good-bye if I thought your love had changed or grown less.  But I know that it has not.  O my darling, if you only knew what terrible agony the very thought of parting is, you would never have let such an idea even for an instant, on any pretext, enter your mind.  The very possibility is too awful to think of.  When I read your letter just now up in my room, I nearly fainted.  I can’t write.  O Frank, don’t take my love away from me.  I can’t bear it.  Oh no, it is my everything.  If I could only see you now, I know that you would kiss these heart-burning tears away.  I feel so lonely and tired.  I cannot follow all your letter.  I only know that you talked of parting, and that I am weary and miserable.

MAUDE.

(COPY OF TELEGRAM)

From Frank Crosse,
to
Miss Maude Selby,

The Laurels, St. Albans

Coming up eight-fifteen, arrive midnight.

June 10th.

How good of you, dear old boy, to come racing across two counties at a minute’s notice, simply in order to console me and clear away my misunderstandings.  Of course it was most ridiculous of me to take your letter so much to heart, but when I read any suggestion about our parting, it upset me so dreadfully, that I was really incapable of reasoning about anything else.  Just that one word PART seemed to be written in letters of fire right across the page, to the exclusion of everything else.  So then I wrote an absurd letter to my boy, and the dear came scampering right across the South of England, and arrived at midnight in the most demoralised state.  It was just sweet of you to come, dear, and I shall never forget it.

I am so sorry that I have been so foolish, but you must confess, sir, that you have been just a little bit foolish also.  The idea of supposing that when I love a man my love can be affected by the size of his house or the amount of his income.  It makes me smile to think of it.  Do you suppose a woman’s happiness is affected by whether she has a breakfast-room, or a billiard-board, or a collie dog, or any of the other luxuries which you enumerated?  But these things are all the merest trimmings of life.  They are not the essentials. 
You
and your love are the essentials.  Some one who will love me with all his heart.  Some one whom I can love with all my heart.  Oh the difference it makes in life!  How it changes everything!  It glorifies and beautifies everything.  I always felt that I was capable of a great love - and now I have it.

Fancy your imagining that you had come into my life in order to darken it.  Why, you
are
my life.  If you went out of it, what would be left?  You talk about my happiness before I met you - but oh, how empty it all was!  I read, and played, and sang as you say, but what a void there was!  I did it to please mother, but there really seemed no very clear reason why I should continue to do it.  Then you came, and everything was changed.  I read because you are fond of reading and because I wanted to talk about books with you.  I played because you are fond of music.  I sang in the hope that it might please you.  Whatever I did, you were always in my mind.  I tried and tried to become a better and nobler woman, because I wanted to be worthy of the love you bore me.  I have changed, and developed, and improved more in the last three months than in all my life before.  And then you come and tell me that you have darkened my life.  You know better now.  My life has become full and rich, for Love fills my life.  It is the keynote of my nature, the foundation, the motive power.  It inspires me to make the most of any gift or talent that I have.  How could I tell you all this if I did not know that your own feeling was as deep.  I could not have given the one, great, and only love of my life in exchange for a half-hearted affection from you.  But you will never again make the mistake of supposing that any material consideration can affect our love.

And now we won’t be serious any longer.  Dear mother was very much astounded by your tumultuous midnight arrival, and equally precipitate departure next morning.  Dear old boy, it was so nice of you!  But you won’t ever have horrid black humours and think miserable things any more, will you?  But if you must have dark days, now is your time, for I can’t possibly permit any after the 30th. - Ever your own

MAUDE.

Woking, June 11th
.

My Own Dearest Girlie, - How perfectly sweet you are!  I read and re-read your letter, and I understand more and more how infinitely your nature is above mine.  And your conception of love - how lofty and unselfish it is!  How could I lower it by thinking that any worldly thing could be weighed for an instant against it!  And yet it was just my jealous love for you, and my keenness that you should never be the worse through me, which led me to write in that way, so I will not blame myself too much.  I am really glad that the cloud came, for the sunshine is so much brighter afterwards.  And I seem to know you so much better, and to see so much more deeply into your nature.  I knew that my own passion for you was the very essence of my soul - oh, how hard it is to put the extreme of emotion into the terms of human speech! - but I did not dare to hope that your feelings were as deep.  I hardly ventured to tell even you how I really felt.  Somehow, in these days of lawn-tennis and afternoon tea, a strong strong passion, such a passion as one reads of in books and poems, seems out of place.  I thought that it would surprise, even frighten you, perhaps, if I were to tell you all that I felt.  And now you have written me two letters, which contain all that I should have said if I had spoken from my heart.  It is all my own inmost thought, and there is not a feeling that I do not share.  O Maude, I may write lightly and speak lightly, perhaps, sometimes, but there never was a woman, never, never in all the story of the world, who was loved more passionately than you are loved by me.  Come what may, while the world lasts and the breath of life is between my lips, you are the one woman to me.  If we are together, I care nothing for what the future may bring.  If we are not together, all the world cannot fill the void.