Demyan & Ana (12 page)

Demyan’s head jerked up, his confusion muddling up his thoughts. “What?”

“When we’re older and it’s time for one of us to go to wherever in the hell souls go when a person dies, I have to be the one to go first. I decided that a long time ago and whatever God is watching over us better make damn sure he takes me first. I won’t live on this earth without Viviana at my side. I don’t care if it’s tomorrow or in twenty more years. I know she’ll hurt with me gone, but she’s so much better than me—stronger. She could handle it. I
need
to go first.”

Demyan wasn’t sure what to say to that. His father didn’t give him the time to figure something out.

“But, I’m a selfish fuck like that and I always have been where your mother is concerned. I wouldn’t think about who it might hurt or the people left behind. I would just … go right after her like I was meant to. So, when you say you wonder what the barrel of your gun might taste like, you can trust that I know why you feel that way. I can’t empathize, but I understand. I love you and you’re my son; I would never want to put you in the ground, but I’m sorry Gia went first before you. Because I know, Demyan. I
do
.”

“She was mine,” Demyan whispered. “My one.”

“I know. It’s early, though, and you’re so raw, son. You’re young and—”

“Don’t. Christ, don’t even say what you’re about to say. Be honest. It’s not going to get better.”

“Not right now,” Anton replied at the same quiet level. “It takes time. I suppose you have to learn to live without her, too. Or find a way to that works for you. I know it’s not the same as what you’re going through, but shortly after you were born, I was grieving, too. For my father. The best relief for me was when I held you.”

“I’m not you.”

Anton nodded. “I know, and I certainly don’t expect you to be, either. But, your daughter needs you, Demyan. All of you, not just certain parts.” 

The hardest thing for Demyan was when he held Vera. Staring down at her miniature features that matched her dead mother’s was suffocating. He did what he needed to for his daughter. He fed her, cared for her, and watched over her, but he was distant all the same. Depression was mentioned on more than one occasion.

Demyan brushed their comments off.

How the fuck could they possibly understand what was happening to him?

“And you need—”

Whatever his father was going to say was cut off by a high pitch wail echoing through the baby monitor. Demyan was on his feet in a second, moving past his father in the doorway, and opening the door directly across the hall. Vera quieted the moment she was in her father’s arms. He didn’t talk a lot to her because he didn’t know what to say. Many of the motions he went through to care for her felt robotic and learned from need and force of habit.

She needed more, he knew. Unconditional love. Doting attention. His entire focus and being. Demyan wasn’t sure how to give her those things being as damaged as he was.

For that, he was sorry.

Chapter Twelve

Ana

“Let’s end this off with you asking me a question for a change,” Sierra said.

Wariness settled in Ana. “What do you mean?”

Sierra was a demand of Ana’s mother that wasn’t up for discussion. Ana felt like she was doing fine, but sometimes the anxiety and anger jumped into her days without warning. Viviana suggested a therapist. Ana agreed to go. She had been having the twice weekly sessions for a month.

One of the first things she learned from Sierra was that Ana had been made a victim, but she had the choice to become a survivor.

“Well, it’s always me asking a question, you talking, me prompting again, and you talking more,” Sierra explained, shrugging. “I’m not saying there’s anything wrong with that. You’re talking, which is awesome. It shows you’re healing, moving forward. I want to end today off with you asking me something about you. Anything that relates to your immediate person and emotions. Whatever. Give me something.”

Ana blinked, dazed. Therapy was easy, as surprising as that was. Sierra’s simple request felt anything but. Sure, there were a lot of things she could ask the woman, but only one thing came to mind: Koldan.

“I like someone,” Ana said.

“This is news. You haven’t mentioned someone before.”

“Yeah. I liked him before the attack, too. A lot. He’s been with me every step of the way.”

“Has he hurt you or does he make you feel unsafe?”

“Never,” Ana murmured. “He makes me feel a lot of things, but never that. He took me out for dinner last week.”

“Oh?”

“It was nice and he didn’t treat me like I was made of spun glass. Everyone keeps acting like I’m a china doll ready to fall off the shelf and shatter. He doesn’t.”

“What was your question regarding him, Ana?” Sierra asked.

Heat pinked Ana’s cheeks. She forced herself to speak. “How long is normal for a woman to wait after her attack before she becomes sexually involved with someone?”

Sierra’s brow lifted. “You’re reacting physically to him.”

It wasn’t a question.

“Sure. He’s handsome, intelligent, kind of sarcastic when he’s in a mood, and he looks at me like I’m the most important thing to him at that moment in time. It’s disconcerting.”

Sierra laughed lightly. “Disconcerted isn’t how you really feel about it, huh?”

“No, I like it.”

“Ana, every rape survivor handles their attack and how they move forward from it in different ways. The length of time for one woman’s healing and ability to open up to a man in that way isn’t going to be the same as the next woman. There’s so many variables. Trust. Emotions. Partnership. Physical and emotional reactions to people and events. There has to come a time when you’re able to realize not every situation is going to end the way the attack did and recognizing not all men are your rapist.”

“Oh,” Ana said, feeling confused all over again.

“If you’re expecting me to tell you it’s okay for you to have a physical relationship with someone, I can’t do that, Ana. Only you know if you’re ready. I merely have your clues to go on.”

Was she? God, she wanted to be.

“Same time next week?” Sierra asked.

Ana nodded. “Absolutely.”

The drive to Ana’s parents’ home went quicker than she intended. Her apartment was closer to the university, but she stayed in Oceana to help Demyan with Vera. The house he bought still remained unlived in. Her brother didn’t ask her for the help, but Ana wanted to.

Ana dropped her keys into the glass bowl as she shrugged off her tweed coat. “Ma, you home?”

Her mother didn’t answer her call, but the man with her father walking around the corner leading to the kitchen stopped her heart in her chest. Koldan.

Ana still didn’t have the first clue why he had such a strange effect on her.

Koldan held out his hand for Anton to take. Her father did, offering a smile and nod in response. Then, Koldan was walking toward Ana as her father disappeared back into the kitchen.

“Hey,” he said.

“Hey. What are you doing here?”

“Having a chat.”

Ana cocked a brow, curious. “Oh?”

“Yeah. Gotta get my ducks in a row, you know. No need to piss off a boss, even if he isn’t my boss.”

She didn’t know what he was talking about.

“Anyway,” Koldan said, reaching into the closet to pull his coat out. “I have to head out.”

“Are you coming back anytime soon?” Ana asked.

“Do you want me to?”

Ana felt no uncertainty. “You know I do.”

• • •

Grateful couldn’t adequately explain how Ana felt about her father installing the heated glass structure around their in-ground pool. He kept it open for the first two years before he hired constructors to come in, design, and put up the building. It kept the bugs out in the summer and the heat in during the winter. The water maintained a warm temperature, as did the indoor space.

She wasn’t practicing, but she did need a good swim to relieve some of her stress. The session with her therapist yesterday and the question left hanging at the end was still nagging at her.

Ana dived into the water from the starting board, cutting across the surface and letting her thoughts drift away. What should have been one lap across the pool turned into four, then seven, and finally she stopped at eight. Her breaths came out in huffs as she rested along the edge of the pool. A burn settled in her worked muscles.

It didn’t take her long to realize she wasn’t alone in the pool house. A cool draft wafted across the water’s surface as if the door to the outside had been opened.

Ana turned in the water to find Koldan sitting in one of the many lounger chairs on the tiled floor. She didn’t even blink at his presence.

“Nobody was home,” he said before Ana could ask a thing. “I noticed the lights on for the pool house and came to check who was back here.”

“I think they took Vera to Gia’s parents for a visit.”

“You didn’t want to go?”

“Late study group,” Ana replied. “I’m surprised Demyan went. He doesn’t go anywhere, now.”

“Demyan’s working,” Koldan said. “Just left him a while ago.”

Ana’s confusion jumped up a notch. “Demyan doesn’t have a job. He goes to school, but he doesn’t work.”

Well, he used to go to school. Ana didn’t have a clue what her brother was doing in that regard what with Vera and everything. He didn’t like to talk much. Ana didn’t push him to. They spent so many years growing up at one another’s throats. She didn’t want to do that anymore with her brother.

She loved Demyan. The best way for her to show him that was to be there for him in whatever way she could be. Helping him to take care of Vera. Leaving him alone when everyone else kept pushing him for more. Sitting quietly in a room with him so he didn’t have to feel alone.

“Actually, he does work,” Koldan said. “Doing the same thing as me.”

Oh
.

“Never mind, then,” Ana muttered, pushing away from the wall. She drifted out into the water, free floating on her back. “Who were you looking for, my dad?”

“Nope. You.”

Ana’s feet touched down to the bottom of the pool as she righted herself. “Me?”

“Yeah, you. Thought we should talk. Maybe about us.”

“Us.”

Koldan laughed. “Don’t turn into a parrot on me, Ana.”

She stuck out her tongue playfully. “I didn’t know there was an
us
.”

“That’s kind of the point. I’ve been trying to figure out if you wanted there to be one. Plus, I wasn’t completely clear about why I was here yesterday when you came home. Whenever you ask me things, I never lie.”

That was true. It was one of the things Ana liked most about Koldan. He was honest and upfront, even if it came off harsh or brash. Nonetheless, when he handed things over at face value, she didn’t have to wonder about him.

“You lied yesterday?” Ana asked.

“No, I just didn’t tell you what I was talking to your father about.”

Ana waved his concern off. “That’s not important to me. I don’t have to know my father’s business, Koldan.”

“You do when it’s about you,” he replied gently. “Things might seem simple to you when it comes to who you want to see or date, but it isn’t. Your father, whether you like it or not, is important. A lot like my father, I guess. Different, but kind of the same.”

“You’re not making any sense.”

Koldan dragged a hand over his face, sighing. “I know. I’m staying in New York for a while. My father wants me hands-on doing business with Anton’s guys for a while.”

“What does that have to do with me?” Ana asked.

“Because while I’m here, and even when I’m not, I’d like to be spending my time with you. You’re an adult, so you can make your own decisions, but I can’t, Ana. I was raised knowing respect should be the first thing I offer to those deserving of it. Pissing off your father isn’t high on my list of priorities, so I needed to make sure he was okay with the fact there might be something happening between you and me.”

“An us, you mean.”

Koldan grinned. “Exactly.”

Huh.

“And he was okay with that?” Ana questioned, skimming her hands over the water’s surface.

“Yeah. Wished me luck with his little hellcat, actually.”

Ana laughed loud and hard for the first time in far too long. When she finished, Koldan was standing at the edge of the pool.

“Thank you,” Ana murmured.

“For what?”

“Not pitying me or treating me like I was fragile after what happened.”

Koldan’s brow crinkled. “Why would I do that, Ana?”

“I don’t know. You just didn’t. I needed that.”

“What he did to you doesn’t make me feel any different than how I did the first night I met you. Hair wet from swimming, smelling like chlorine, and you had the most striking eyes. I wanted to know you. I still do.”

“I feel guilty,” Ana said, swallowing back her rising emotions.

“Why’s that?”

“Because everyone around me is heartbroken and grieving. Don’t get me wrong, I am, too. At the same time, here I am thinking you might be so easy to love. You’re exactly the kind of man I grew up thinking I didn’t want. All you have to do is say the right words and I’ll be falling head over heels. Everyone is in pain, so should I let myself be happy? It doesn’t seem fair.”

“Your happiness isn’t dependent on how the people around you feel. Determined at times, perhaps, but not dependent. You’re allowed to move forward when you’re ready to, Ana. In whatever way you want and need to.”

So her therapist kept telling her.

“I know.”

“What are the words you need me to say?” Koldan kneeled down at the edge of the pool and rested his arms on his jean-clad knees. “Tell me the words.”

“That maybe you want me, too,” Ana whispered. “Even if I can be a bitch and you’re way too intense. Even if I don’t like the things you do and I spend six hours a day in a pool because it’s the only thing I’m good at. Even if we won’t work, because you know, maybe we will.”

“Firstly, I have the feeling you’re good for more than your skills in the water,” Koldan said with a sexy smirk that sent Ana’s desire spinning. “Secondly, don’t think there’s any maybes about it,
krasivyy
. I don’t want to go anywhere and I’m pretty sure I can handle you. There’s not a single thing about you I don’t want to learn, Ana. Everything—I want to know it all.”

Yeah, all he had to do was say the right words.

Without thinking too hard about her next actions, Ana reached out and fisted Koldan’s leather jacket. She pulled him down low enough that he had to use his hands to keep steady so he wouldn’t fall into the pool. His lips touched to hers hesitantly at first. When Ana didn’t let up or release him from her hold, Koldan kissed her harder. His grip on the edge of the pool let go, sending him dropping into the water with Ana.

Koldan didn’t seem to mind he was soaking wet because he kept kissing Ana until he’d taken the elastic out of her ponytail and weaved his fingers through her hair. A wicked heat spread from her middle outwards, smothering her in want.

Ana felt no fear or anxiety as he stared at her, waiting. The usual tendrils of caution she felt when she was close or alone with a man didn’t curl around her senses to debilitate her. She was okay. With Koldan, she was far more than okay.

“You won’t hurt me,” Ana said, voicing her thoughts.

“Of course not. I won’t pressure you into anything you’re not prepared to do, either, but I need to know you’re ready for this,” Koldan said, wiping water from his face. “Not something physical, but
this
. Us. Because you were right. I’m intense and I don’t do things half-assed, Ana. If you start moving forward with me, I’m going to take us all the way or none of it. Wherever I go, I want you to come with me. I’ll probably need to make damn sure every guy within a fifty foot radius of you knows you’re mine. You will always be safe with me—”