Depravicus (10 page)

"How do you
know this?" a man asked.

"He told me,"
Will replied.

"I find it
difficult to believe that he..."

"Mr
Backenside, I'm sure the people of Cumsdale would find it difficult
to believe that your barber shop is a front for..."

"Er... Point
taken," the man interrupted Will.

"As I was
saying, Father Kosher is a man who lies, cheats, drinks, smokes,
fornicates..."

"Sounds rather
like you, Entercock," another man chipped in.

"Ah, Mr Snort.
I'm pleased that you came along to out meeting."

"Why's
that?"

"Because I now
have the ideal opportunity to ask you about your village
pharmacy."

"What about
it?"

"It's a lovely
shop," Mrs Highmen chipped in. "I get my heart pills there."

"No one's
interested in your heart, Mrs Highmen," Will snapped. "Mr Snort,
shall we tell the villagers about your drugs cabinet?" Will
grinned.

"Er..."

"Or perhaps we
should enlighten them as to your visitors who call at the back door
when your shop is closed. And they're not after heart pills."

"No, no. Er...
There's no need to..."

"Thank you, Mr
Snort. Father Kosher is in league with the Reverend Mother. Between
them they are hatching plans to corrupt this fine village of
ours."

"That's not
true," a woman protested.

"Mrs
Bareham-Puttocks, please allow me to inform you that the Reverend
Mother has a criminal record. I'm sure that I don't have to remind
you that she was arrested six months ago."

"But, she was
innocent."

"That, Mrs
Bareham-Puttocks, is exactly my point."

"Is it?" she
frowned.

"But, of
course. The Reverend Mother is innocent in her guilt. She..."

"I don't know
what you mean."

"Suffice to
say that the Reverend Mother and Father Kosher fornicate in the
woods."

"My God," a
woman gasped. "That's a blatant lie. It's slander, it's..."

"Mrs Harper,
in comparison with the things you have told me in the confession
box, the Reverend Mother is as pure and virginal as the driven
snow."

"The things
said in the confessional are supposed to be private," another woman
called out. "Besides, look at the way you drink and smoke
and..."

"Mrs Baxter,
would you like me to inform everyone of your relationship
with..."

"No,
please..." she gasped, holding her hand to her mouth.

"Is there
anyone else without sin who'd like to cast a stone?" Will asked.
"No? In that case, I shall continue. You are all sitting in my
lounge. But this is no ordinary lounge. It is a church. This,
ladies and gentlemen, is my church. I will be holding Sunday
service at eleven am and I'll expect each and every one of you to
be here. Anyone caught attending Father Kosher's church will be
deemed to be in league with the Devil."

"Goodness me,
you can't say that," Mrs Bareham-Puttocks gasped.

"I can and I
have said it. We will send Father Kosher and the Reverend Mother to
Coventry."

"My niece
lives there," Mr Backenside said.

"How old is
your niece?" Will asked.

"Eighteen,
why?"

"Does she
visit you very often?"

"Yes, she'll
be down at the weekend."

"Good, good.
I'll expect to see her here on Sunday."

"What's your
interest in eighteen year old girls?" a man asked.

"Certainly
nothing akin to your interest in the girl guide movement," Will
returned.

"But, I'm a
scout leader."

"Exactly."

After the
meeting Will had a quiet word with several of the men. What with
the waitress turning up, the bar open for business and Josie a few
thousand miles away, the evening promised to hold more than enough
milk and cunny. The two old biddies from the tea shop had tried to
sneak around the house, but Will had intervened, suggesting that
they were burglars searching for loot. Once they'd done a runner
the other women followed suit, leaving Will to open his bar.

"This way,
gentlemen," he beamed proudly, unlocking the dining room door and
ushering his punters into the bar. "Welcome to the Devil's
Den."

"I say,
Entercock," Major Hardmoore said. "What a fine job you've done
here."

"Why, thank
you, Major. I take it that you'll become one of my valued
regulars?"

"Indeed, I
will. Er... Just one thing, old man. Are you planning on...? You
know, like the old days."

"Are you
talking about girls, Major?"

"Indeed I am.
Fresh, firm, hot, wet, tight..."

"Have faith,
Major. There will be girls in abundance once the bar is in full
swing."

"Good, good.
Well, I'd better have a large scotch to celebrate the opening night
of the Devil's Den."

"But of
course," Will smiled, moving behind the bar and pressing a glass up
to an optic.

"What gave you
the idea for the name of your bar?" the Major asked.

"From my
mother's side of the family. She was a great Lucifernarian, you
know."

"Ah, right.
Sounds like a woman after my own heart."

"She'd have
been after your... She is, Major. I mean, she was."

Serving
drinks, taking money, Will felt at home behind the bar. The stench
of beer filling his nostrils, tobacco smoke hanging in blue ribbons
below Josie's recently-painted white ceiling... This was the life,
Will mused happily. There weren't many punters, but this was only
the first night and word hadn't yet got round the village. Girls,
he mused, wondering where the waitress had got to. The Major was
going to become a nice little earner. What with his liking for the
female form and his willingness to hand over vast amounts of cash
in return for sex, the money was going to be rolling in before
long.

"A pint of
bitter, please," a man in a suit said, leaning on the bar.

"Certainly,"
Will smiled, wondering who he was. "I didn't see you at the
meeting."

"No, I
couldn't make it. You have a nice bar, very nice."

"Thank you.
There we are. One pint of my very best bitter."

"Been trading
long?"

Trading? Alarm
bells started ringing. "Um, no," he replied. "This is the first
night."

"Your prices
are very good. I'm surprised you can sell beer at such a low price,
what with income tax, VAT, duty and..."

"Non-profit
making," Will said, wondering whether to punch the man's lights
out.

"Non-profit
making?" he returned mockingly, loosening his tie. "Then, why
bother?"

"It's a
service for my parishioners. My family have lived in the village of
Cumsdale for three thousand years."

"Three
thousand years?"

"Oh yes. We go
back to pre-orgasmus times when lions and tigers roamed Cumsdale
woods."

"You've traced
your family tree back three thousand years?"

"And the rest.
Do you know, my great grandfather to the power of six, used to hire
out boats to Jesus. He had a boathouse on the shores of..."

"If this is
true, then your family tree must be worth a fortune. There are no
family records dating back that far."

"I was offered
three million for it only the other day by a man who reckoned he
was the sister of Jesus."

"Jesus's
sister?"

"That's what
he said. So, are you new to the village or just passing
through?"

"I'm... just
passing through. Actually, you might be able to help me. I'm
looking for a woman, if you get my meaning."

"A woman?"
Will echoed, feigning surprise. Who was this bloke?

"I hear you're
a bit of a lad, might be able to recommend a girl."

"Good grief.
I'm a man of the cloth, a man of God."

"Yes, but I've
heard you have one or two little sidelines."

"The only
sideline I have is bringing peace and happiness to others."

"I was in the
pub earlier. I overheard talk of your... your work with girls. Your
escapades, if you get my drift."

"Oh, that,"
Will whispered, looking about him. "Yes, I do a lot of things with
girls," he said, leaning forward.

"I thought as
much. Tell me about it."

"I very often
take two or three to the woods."

"And I'll bet
you have some fun."

"Indeed I
do."

"What happens,
exactly?"

"We play
games."

"I don't
suppose you'd allow me to come along?"

"But, of
course." He was a spy. "I'm hoping to take a couple into the woods
tomorrow morning. If you're still here, come and join us."

"An excellent
idea. So, tell me about these games."

"The girls
love to play ride and squeak."

"Sounds
interesting."

"It is. They
ride and squeak... I won't say too much."

"They ride and
squeak... I know exactly what you're talking about. What time and
where?"

"There's a
church about a mile down the lane. We meet behind the church and
then go into the woods."

"Yes, I passed
the church on my way here."

"We'll be
there at ten o'clock."

"Fine, I'll be
there. Do I need to bring anything?"

"The girls
like something to suck on," Will smiled as the man downed his
pint.

"Say no more,
Father. Right, I'd better be going. Until tomorrow."

"Ten o'clock
behind the church."

"Right you
are. And I'll have something pretty tasty for the girls to suck
on."

As the man
left Will laughed out loud. He was obviously a spy sent by the
Mother Slagger or Father Kosher. Perhaps he was a newspaper
reporter, Will ruminated, recalling Josie's quest to defile and
defrock him when she'd first arrived in the village. Serving the
customers he pondered a plan. The man would probably turn up with a
camera, or an accomplice. They'd be out to expose him, but they
were going to fail most miserably. Forewarned was forearmed, he
reflected, his devious plan formulating.

Slipping into
the kitchen and answering the phone, he cringed as he heard the
Bishop's voice. This was all he needed just when he'd opened the
bar. With the young waitress hopefully on her way to his den of
iniquity, the cash beginning to roll in... Just when things were
going well, the Bishop was asking awkward questions about Father
Kosher's church and the surrounding woods.

"I'm not with
you, Bishop," Will sighed. "You say that I was seen lurking in
Father Kosher's church and then in the woods with two girls?"

"That's right,
Entercock. You were wearing your cassock, which is forbidden. And
to top it all, the girls were naked."

"When was
this, Bishop? I've been here, at my house, all day."

"Earlier this
afternoon. You were seen, so there's no point..."

"Ah, I did go
into the village and partake in tea and cream cakes at ye olde tea
shoppe. Constable Bridlington will confirm my presence in the
village and the waitress will..."

"When was
that?"

"Around four
o'clock."

"I'm talking
about earlier this afternoon, Entercock. Between two and
three-ish."

"At two
o'clock I was here, working in the garden. At three-ish, I decided
to take a shower and then I..."

"Presumably,
you're going to deny putting posters up in the village?"

"No, no not at
all. That's what I was doing later when Constable..."

"I don't like
it, Entercock."

"I did my best
with the design. And I printed them on my..."

"I'm not
talking about the ruddy posters."

"Ruddy
posters, Bishop?"

"I don't like
what you're doing. Wearing your cassock, sneaking around the woods,
and now you've some hair-brained idea about opening your own
church."

"To be honest,
it was the Reverend Mother's idea. She suggested that I..."

"Don't lie to
me, Entercock. I've just been talking to the Reverend Mother. A
young lady went running to her in a state of severe distress.
Apparently you were in the woods with her and her friend."

"Was I? I have
no recollection of the aforementioned girls in the woods."

"You'll stop
this nonsense immediately. No posters, no church, no wearing your
cassock, no lurking in the woods, no..."

"Ah, that
reminds me. Did the KGB get in touch with you?"

"What? What on
earth are you talking about, man?"

"The KGB.
They're after Josie, my beloved partner in life, and they..."

"I'm not going
to listen to your insane ramblings, Entercock. Unless you stop
wearing your cassock and..."

"And stop
lurking in the woods?"

"Yes,
that's... Ah, so you admit it."

"Bishop, if I
were to take six girls into the woods, strip them naked, shave
their pussies, lick them all over and then fuck them, there'd be
absolutely nothing you could do about it."

"Right, if
that's your attitude..."

"It is,
Bishop. You and your church have nothing to do with me. You have no
power over me."

"That's as
maybe, but I'll tell you this. You're going to regret this day,
Entercock. You've roused my wrath and I intend to see to it that
you end up in the gutter. I'll make sure that you..."

"I have to go
now, Bishop. There's a lovely girl in my bed and she's calling out
for another fuck. Good day to you."

Shit, Will
thought, replacing the receiver and rubbing his weal-lined cock. It
was all very well winding the fanny-faced Bishop up, but the man
did have clout. He knew people in high places, not to mention the
police force, and could make life extremely difficult, if not
impossible. There again, Will wasn't prepared to suck up to the
pimple-nosed git. Or suck off. "Argh!" he breathed. "Perish the
thought." The doorbell ringing, he dashed through the hall. If this
was the Reverend Slagger or Kosher the cunter...