Depression: Looking Up from the Stubborn Darkness (24 page)

I’m going to stop you for a second. Can you hear what’s happening? The more you talk, the more you despair. I can see it in you. In fact, I can feel it in myself. Here is a plan. From now on, when I see the wave of depressive and, actually, unbiblical interpretations of life crashing down on you, I am going to point it out and try to run from it with you.

There is more to persevering than you thought. It is not simply a word that appears briefly in Scripture. It is a powerful, deeply spiritual response to struggles that don’t quickly disappear. When we persevere with one another, we are imitating one of the glorious facets of the character of God.

It is here, in persevering with someone who struggles with depression, where you have the advantage over the experts. Experts consult; then move on. Friends and family keep at it.

Yes, depression can eat at the heart of a relationship, but you also might notice God’s blessing as you persevere. “Looking back, I would say that sticking with the person you love through the stressful dramas of mood disorder can eventually be incredibly rewarding.”
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The word “ordinary” has come up often. This is not to diminish in any way the beauty and power of Spirit-driven ministry because God’s work is always extraordinary. It is, however, to emphasize that God has determined that we will best encourage one another through means that don’t demand technical expertise. Scripture’s wisdom is public domain. If we start to say things that draw attention to our own insights and wisdom, we are probably missing the normal means God uses to change us.

Each person is different. A story that clicked for one person might be incomprehensible to the next. A strategy that seemed essential for you might be meaningless for someone else. Therefore, the following lists of ideas are intended to prime the pump rather than serve as an endless to-do list. They are specific ideas that have helped other depressed people.

The first list comes from people who were once depressed. They were asked to finish this sentence: “I felt like things began to change when ... .”

1. I began to talk to myself rather than listen to myself. I began to speak different Scriptures to myself rather than listen to my own voices of hopelessness.
   
2. I stopped saying, “It doesn’t work.” I was always looking for
   the
   answer. I would pray (trying to make deals with God), look at my own heart (for a minute of two), or briefly try some other seemingly spiritual activity. When they didn’t work, I would quit. I felt justified in quitting. Now I believe that it does “work.” There is contentment and even joy in long-term, small steps of faith and obedience.
   
3. I had a pastor who kept the bigger picture of God’s kingdom in front of me. Depression made my world so small; when I saw that God was on the move, I began to have hope.
   
4. My daughter became very sick. It forced me to see outside my own world.
   
5. A friend didn’t give up on me. She was always loving me and pointing me to the truth, even when I didn’t want to hear about Jesus.
   
6. A friend let me “borrow” her faith. My faith was so weak, but I always knew that she was confident of God’s presence and love, for the church and even for me.
   
7. I forgave my father.
   
8. I heard stories of sorrow and victory from friends.
   
9. I saw that it was 90 percent pride. I felt like I deserved certain things from certain people. It had been about me.
   
10. A friend who knew me well told me I was being a martyr. It shocked me at first, but I knew she loved me, and I knew she was right.
    
11. I began to believe that I was in a battle and realized that I had to fight.
    
12. I saw that I was doing things rather than just having things done to me. For example, I was
    doing
    anger; I was
    doing
    big-time complaining. In my heart, I was doing what I wanted.
    
13. Medication.
    
14. A friend who helped me to move from the “tyranny of the should” to living out of the gospel of grace.
    
15. I realized that my interpretations were fallible. I had huge misunderstandings and made many false accusations.
    
16. I began to force myself to read Scripture and listen to it.
    
17. I began to understand God’s grace. I began to see that my wallowing in guilt was a form of works righteousness, not godly sorrow.
    
18. Once I saw that it was good to see my sin, I began to tell myself, “When in doubt, repent.”
    
19. I decided.
    
20. I don’t really know what God used. It was lots of little things.
    

This second list consists of things that
were not
helpful. “It was not helpful when ... .”

1. I looked for superficial sins in my life. I was focused on specific sins, like the way I spoke to my children. I didn’t look for the sin that drove my deeper sense of need. I didn’t go all the way to basic questions such as, “Do I really trust Jesus? And, What do I trust him for?”
   
2. I was angry, and no one said anything about it.
   
3. I was angry, and people told me I had a right to be angry.
   
4. I was told to love myself more.
   
5. I was told to lower my expectations for myself.
   
6. People gave answers before they tried to listen. It seemed like everyone had a remedy for me.
   
7. People talked too much.
   
8. Friends didn’t say some of the things on their minds. They were afraid to speak honestly because they thought I was too fragile to hear it.
   
9. People tried too hard.
   

The following list contains homework assignments and specific strategies that have been helpful for some people.

1. Take one biblical story, read it every day, and write down ten (or more) applications of it. (The basic idea with this assignment, and some of the others that follow, is that you want depressed people to meditate on something. Otherwise, their minds will drift further into despondency. As a helper, you may be tempted to keep trying something new rather than stick with one thing until the person benefits from it. If a depressed person can see the merit in this battle strategy, and he or she is willing to do it, stay with the assignment until it is done.)
   
2. Find ten positive qualities in a friend. Write them down and send the list to him.
   
3. Write out your purpose for living. Allow it to be revised by others. Memorize it. Then write it out again using different words.
   
4. Become an expert in what God says to those who suffer. Consider starting with Hebrews 10–12.
   
5. Write down things from the Sunday sermon that are good, important, and true.
   
6. Each day, speak or write something that edifies others.
   
7. Take one aspect of creation (e.g., grass, a shrub, a squirrel, a leaf) and consider it until you can say it is good.
   
8. Listen to God’s Word. Use music that points you to Christ, or ask someone to read to you or teach you what he is learning. Be able to summarize what you heard. Practice listening.
   
9. Keep a sharp eye out for grumbling and complaining. Like gossip, these sins are acceptable in our culture, so
   we don’t see their ugly roots. What does the grumbling or complaining really say?
   
10. Consider these questions: In this culture, have we forgotten the benefits of hardships? What are the possible benefits to suffering? (Ps. 119:67, 71; 2 Cor. 1:8–10; Heb. 5:8; James 1:3)
    
11. Since the label “depression” cannot capture the complexity of your experience, what other words (especially words that can be keyed to Scripture) more concretely capture what is going on in your heart?
    
12. Get help. Ask a few people to pray for you and speak the truth to you. When you ask for prayer, ask for more than just the alleviation of depression. Use this as an opportunity to pray big prayers. Find some of the prayers in Scripture and pray them. For example, pray that you would know the love of Christ (Eph. 3); pray that you would look more like Jesus (Rom. 8:29); pray that you would love others; pray that you would discern what it means today to bring glory to God.
    
13. You can’t always change the way you feel, but you can change the way you think. What thoughts have to change? Start saying an emphatic “STOP” whenever you notice them.
    
14. Ask,
    What am I getting out of my depression?
    You might not have any answers, and the question might not be relevant, but it is a reminder that we are often doing more than we realize.
    
15. Write up a depression flow-chart. Begin with a recent event that sent you into a tailspin. Be as specific as possible about the steps you followed to restore your equilibrium.
    
16. What options do you have? You may feel like you are stuck on one long, hopeless path, but that isn’t true. You are making decisions every day. Right now you are at another crossroads.
    
17. Search for a depressed person. Speak a word of encouragement.
    
18. Never go to Scripture without finding Jesus in it.
    
19. Be careful about analyzing on your own. Run your analysis by someone else.
    
20. Walk as briskly as you can with another person.
    

Now, with the pump primed, what would you add to these lists?

Rochelle had gone through depression often enough to detect some patterns. Not everyone can do that, but the older you get the more you can identify depression’s unique signature in your life. Rochelle knew that the window from November 15 to January 5 was a dangerous one. Maybe it was, in part, the cold weather, the shorter days, and fewer opportunities to be physically active, but it was definitely the holidays with their reminders of loss, broken relationships, and painful pasts. So on September 1st of every year she would call the church office and make an appointment with the pastor of congregational care. She would ask for an hour each week, starting as close to November 15 as possible.

She expects that God will feed her and teach her, in very practical ways, what it means to trust him during those fragile times, and he does.

Depression waxes and wanes. It can be ferocious for a short time and then recede into the background. It can be persistent for longer periods and then lose its grip, never to return. When it loses its intensity, the possibility that it is lying in wait can strike fear in the hearts of those who have been through it.

Like other human suffering, depression is difficult to predict. But even with its tendency to show up unannounced, there are still certain things you can expect.

One reason to listen to depression is that you will realize that it has a history. It usually emerges for a reason. If you think of your own history of depression, you can find early warnings. For example, physical warnings could include fatigue and sleep changes. You lost interest in food. Colors were not quite as vibrant, and you didn’t feel your usual responses to people and activities you once enjoyed. Spiritually, you might notice anger, loneliness, or a lack of comfort in remembering that the sovereign, loving God is in control.

Etch this in stone: if depression gives you an early warning—and it usually does—bring everything you have to the fight. Take your soul to task. Ask for help. Force-feed yourself Scripture and words of hope. Be on guard against self-pity, grumbling, and complaining. And keep the cross close at hand. If you let depression run its course, you will soon lose your vitality; you’ll surrender. But with practice, you will notice that you have more resources than you thought to ward off the worst of the depression.

A forty-year-old man who was prone to depressive swings wondered, as he noticed his deepening depression, “What will God teach me this time?” He was actually looking forward to what he would learn in God’s schoolroom.

If you are willing to be trained by it, expect depression to be a good teacher. That doesn’t mean that you should seek it out, and it certainly doesn’t mean that you shouldn’t try to alleviate it. But most people who are willing to be taught by suffering look back and are grateful.

Those with chronic illnesses can testify.

Health is the best thing in the world except sickness. Indeed, knowing what God has done for me through physical weakness, and being persuaded that certain blessings could never have been given in any other way than through such an experience, I feel that it would have been nothing short of calamity to have missed the physical suffering through which I have passed.
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After three years in a Japanese prisoner of war camp, a British officer who found Christ in that camp said something that only a follower of Christ could say.

“Well,” he said, “it’s all over. I wouldn’t have missed it for anything. True, it was rough. But I have learned an awful lot that I couldn’t have learned at university or anywhere else. For one, I’ve learned about the things of life that are real; and for another, I’ve learned that it is great to be alive.” ... Suffering no longer locked us up in the prison house of self-pity, but brought us into what Albert Schweitzer called the “fellowship of those who wear the mark of pain.” We looked at the cross and took strength from the knowledge that it gave us, the knowledge that God was in our midst.
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