Depths of Lake (20 page)

CHAPTER NINETEEN

When Jesse drops me off at home, Lake still isn’t back.

I notice that.
 
Right away.

“Goodnight,” I say to Jesse as I open the door to the truck.

“Thanks again, for coming with me today,” he says.
 

“Thanks for being understanding about the weird kiss,” I reply with a little smile.

“Like I said, now we know.
 
And now we can move on from it.”
 
He looks hopeful.
 
But not necessarily for himself.
 
He looks hopeful for me.

“Maybe,” is all I say, because I don’t dare imagine
further.
 
“Night.”

I slide out and close the door behind me.
 
I glance over my shoulder once when I get to the door, and I watch as Jesse drives away as I pull the door open.

For a second, my heart jumps into my throat and I about have a panic attack when I see a figure sitting on the couch.

“Kyle!”
I half scream, half choke out.
 
“What the hell are you doing here?”

Kyle turns from the TV that’s on low and looks back at me.
 
His eyes grow hard, his brows furrowed together.
 
He clicks the TV off and stands.
 
“Lake called me this afternoon.
 
You’ve got a stalker?”

“What?” I breathe, squinting in confusion.
 
“Lake…”

“Yeah,” Kyle
says,
his hands on his hips.
 
“Lake called me and said he had to go deal with stuff, but he didn’t want you at the house by yourself because some asshole is threatening you.”

“Uh,” I say with a groan as I kick my shoes off.
 
“Go home, Kyle.
 
I can handle myself.”

“Like hell I’m leaving you alone,” he says as he follows me upstairs.
 
“How long has this been going on, Ry?”

“I’m putting an end to it,” I say when I get in my bedroom.
 
It’s true, Kyle has seen me naked plenty, and I’m tired and annoyed, so I unzip my dress and let it drop to the floor with my back turned to him.
 
I grab a tank top and pull it over me and slip on some denim shorts.
 
“If he comes around here again, I warned him I’d hurt him.”

“So, what?”
Kyle says.
 
I look over my shoulder and see him folding his arms over his chest.
 
“You’re just going to shoot him?”

“I have a right to defend myself,” I say with annoyance as I tuck my handgun into the back of my shorts.
 
I push my way past Kyle and head back downstairs.

“Ry, this is nuts.
 
We have to call Sheriff Akins.”
 
He follows me down.

“Fine, call him!” I say as I slide my feet into my boots and walk out the door.
 
I make sure to slam it shut behind me, a loud and clear message that I don’t want him following me.

I head out into the barn.

The horses whiney and snort when I walk in.
 
I check their feeders and find them completely empty.
 
From the ruckus going on, it’s clear that they haven’t been fed yet tonight.

A dead weight settles into my stomach as I carry out a bale and cut the twine.
 
I feed each of them a flake, and then move over to the boarding stalls.
 
They too haven’t been fed yet.

I try to tell myself that I’m not scared of the darkness around me and anyone who might be hiding in it, watching me.
 

The cold metal pressing into my back is a comfort.
 
So
is knowing
Kyle is inside, watching me.

When I’m finished feeding the animals, I stand at the bottom of the steps to Lake’s apartment for a long while.
 
My mind goes back to this morning, to me on the table, Lake between my legs.
 
The
Two
us yelling at each other, each wanting different things, but the same things.
 
Both unable to get there.

Finally, I walk up the stairs.
 
I open his door, and turn on the light.

Lake doesn’t have much by way of earthly possessions, so there aren’t too many indicators right away if he’s packed up and left.
 
I check the bathroom.
 
No toothbrush or toothpaste around.
 
There is a razor and some shaving cream in one drawer.
 

In the bedroom there aren’t many clothes in his drawers or in the closet.
 
His boots are gone, probably the only shoes I’ve ever seen him wear.

But there’s his Seahawks hat on the dresser.
 
There’s a pack of Big Red gum next to it, the same kind he always chews when he mucks out the stalls.
 
The bed is made, in a man kind of way.

I’m not sure what to think.
 
He hasn’t completely packed up, but who’s to say he didn’t just pack up in such a hurry to get away from me that he forgot some things?

My insides are a bloody mess.
 
An annoying, confused, ridiculous female mess.
 
If I were looking at me from outside this situation, I’d hate myself.
 
I’d be completely annoyed with me.

Just figure out what you want, woman.

It shouldn’t be so damn hard.

I sink down on to Lake’s bed and lay back on it.
 
It smells like him.
 
Mountains and water and wilderness.
 

What do I want?

I don’t even know how to start picking that apart.

I fell asleep in Lake’s bed.
 
I woke up, found Kyle camped out on Lake’s couch, got showered and dressed, and the two of us went into town.

For the first time, I go to church without Mom.
 
There isn’t any awkward moment where I look around, wondering where or with whom to sit.
 
We walk in and Kyle’s mom waves us over.
 
I sit next to Kyle just as the pastor starts.

For the majority of the meeting, I sit there with my eyes closed.
 
I listen to some of the sermon, but mostly, I’m just searching for some inner peace.
 
I’ve never been
religious,
I don’t really know how I feel about God and Jesus.
 
So I can’t say that I’ve ever asked for anything through prayer.

But in that church, I ask for something simple.

I just want to feel peace.

The meeting comes to a close and people start filing out, talking and smiling and feeling happy and filled.
 
Kyle looks at me as we
stand,
a small little smile on his face.
 
He doesn’t say anything, and for that I’m grateful.

Eyes always watch the two of us whenever we get within five feet of each other.
 
They watch, looking for signs that we’re back together.
 
For the first five years after our divorce we avoided each other at all costs.
 
But time heals pain and after a while we could talk to each other without feeling like we were going to die.
 
Now we’re friends and the whole town thinks it’s their business to try and see if we’re a couple again.

We walk outside, the sun hot and bright.
 
On the way out, Sheriff Akins says he’ll be coming by just after church to talk to me about my “situation.”
 
Kyle’s parents stop to talk to him and his wife after.
 
Kyle and I walk to the end of the sidewalk, just to the side of the road.

“You okay?” he finally asks.
 
His hands are in the back pockets of his jeans.
 
He never would wear Sunday best.
 

I shrug.
 
Shake my head.

“Come here,” he says.
 
He takes a step forward, closing the distance between us.
 
He wraps his arms around me, guiding my head to his shoulder.
 
He hugs me tight.
 
His strong arms are comforting.
 
He rests his cheek on the top of my head.

“We’re going to take care of this Travis problem,” he says.
 
“You’ll be safe.
 
I promise.”

I ignore the prying looks we’re getting and just close my eyes.
 
I block everything else out and just let myself be in this moment of acceptance.

“It’s okay to let yourself be happy,” Kyle finally says after a long time.
 
“There’s more to life than just keeping it together, and making smart choices, and playing it safe.
 
A life without passion is just a slow way to freeze to death.”

There it is.
 
The exact description of how I’ve been feeling for so long now.

I’ve been slowly freezing to death.

I pull back so I can look up at his face.
 
I place a hand on his cheek.

“Thank you for being there for me,” I say.
 
“No one really understands what things are like.
 
Living with your mistakes.
 
But you do.”

He shrugs one shoulder.
 
“We may have been divorced for nearly ten years now, but I still love you, Ry.”

And I know what he means.
 
It isn’t the kind of love that is
in
love.
 
But the kind of love where you accept people as they are.
 
All their faults and shortcomings.

“I love you, too,” I say as he lets me go.

“Go be happy,” he says as he turns to leave.

I’ll try.

“Hey, Sweetie,” Mom says from the other line.

“Hi, Mom,” I reply back as I lie back on my bed.
 
“How are things going?”

“They’re fine.
 
Lynda and I just got back from church.
 
It’s such a nice little congregation.”

“I just got back from church myself,” I tell her.
 
That’ll make her proud.
 
I do, however, leave out the part where I had that talk with the Sheriff.
 
Where he said he’d be looking for Travis to talk to him.
 
Where he said until they catch him on my property again, there isn’t much they can do.
 
Where he in a roundabout way said if I felt my life was in danger, that I had a right to protect myself.

“That makes me glad to hear,” she says, and I can feel the smile in her voice.
 
“How’s everyone doing?”

“Everybody’s fine.
 
You know not
much changes
around here,” I say as I roll one of the ties on my quilt between my fingers.

“How true that is,” she chuckles.
 
“How are things going at the ranch?
 
Still flourishing?”

“Yeah,” I tell her.
 
“I’ve got an eighty hour work week ahead of me.
 
Things are good.”

“And how’s Lake?” she has to go and ask.
 
“I haven’t talked to him in a few days.
 
He always seems to be the one who answers when I call the office lately.”

I swallow hard and sit up.
 
My eyes shift to my window, the one that looks out toward the barn.
 
Still no truck.
 
“He’s okay.”

“What’s that?” Mom says, but her voice sounds farther away, like she’s pulled the phone away from her face.
 
“Oh, alright.
 
I’m sorry, Riley, but I guess we have some people who’ve invited us over for dinner tonight.
 
We’ve got to get going.”

“Okay,” I say.
 
“Love you.”

“I love you, too.”

I hang up the phone and set it on my bed.
 
I lie back down, resting on my side.

There are two pictures in frames on my night stand.
 
One of me and my parents when I was about sixteen.
 
I’m sitting on a horse, and they’re on either side of me.
 
We’re all smiling and happy.
 
I trace my finger of my father’s face, missing him so much.

When Dad was deployed, back forever ago when he was only in his twenties, he was in the middle of a war zone.
 
There was an explosion.
 
His body was peppered with shrapnel.
 
They never got all of it out.
 
There was a little piece stuck in the back of his head, in a place they couldn’t get it.

It sat there, harmless, for twenty years.
 
Then one day it dislodged.
 
And killed my dad.