Derailed (13 page)

“What tirade?” Ben sounded defensive. “What were you saying about her?”

“He called me a witch and accused me of bewitching you.”

“Real cool, man, real cool.”

“I was drunk. So sue me.” He tried to say it nonchalantly, but the way he avoided my eye made it seem like he felt bad about it.

“You’re lucky Mom’s here,” Ben warned.

“I’m terrified. So who told you anyway? Tom?”

“No, Gavin.”

“Oh, the newest addition to your fan club,” Jake said condescendingly.

“Shut up.”

“Gavin? As in the jolly green giant cop? How do you even know him?” Ben asked.

“He’s Tom’s partner, so Tom and Kelly introduced us.”

“Oh, so you just ran into him or something?” Warning bells were going off. I’d heard this tone from Ben before, and it was never pretty.

I needed to be honest. “No. I had dinner with him the other night.”

“You what?” Ben squared his shoulders.

“It wasn’t a big deal. He just wanted to hang out as friends.”

“Where’d you eat?”

“Oh, an Italian place in Wilmington.”

“You went with him to Wilmington?” Ben asked incredulously. “When?”

“Ben, you need to calm down,” Mary tried to soothe him.

“Thursday night.”

“Thursday night? The night you didn’t want me coming over? You were with him, weren’t you? You were probably in his fucking bed.” Ben’s hands were in his hair, his face a complete mask of rage.

“I was home in my own bed, just like I told you. Thanks for jumping to conclusions. What, do you think I’m sleeping around with everyone now?” Then the stubborn side of me kicked in. “Not like it would be your business if I was. We’re supposed to be keeping things casual, remember?”

“Fuck that.” Ben stormed out of the screened in porch, slamming the door behind him. A minute later, I heard his truck start up out front.

Suddenly, walking home sounded appealing. It hurt more than I expected to have Ben angry at me and for him to accuse me of sleeping around.

“Well, that went well.” Jake smirked.

Mary swatted at his arm. “Don’t start, Jake. Go find your brother and bring him home.”

“What? Why?”

“Do it.” Mary glared at her youngest son.

“I’m going to go.” I stood up.

“He just needs time to cool down. Why don’t you wait here?” Mary said calmly.

“He needs to stay away from me. I’m not good for him anymore. I’m going to go ahead and go before it gets too dark.”

“I didn’t see a car out front; were you going to walk?” Jake asked.

“Yeah, it’s not too far.”

“I’ll give you a ride home before I search for Ben.”

“No, it’s okay.”

“Stop it, both of you. Molly isn’t going anywhere. She agreed to come over for dinner, and we haven’t had dinner yet.” Mr. Mathews looked pleased with himself for finding a solution. “I’m sure Ben will calm down and come back. He was just surprised.” 

“That’s right.” Mary smiled at him.

“Do you still want me to look for him?” Jake stood with his keys in his hand.

“You know what? On second thought, just wait here. There’s no reason to have you both running around town.”

I busied myself helping with Mary in the kitchen while we waited. I kept glancing over to see if Ben was back. We were bringing everything to the table when I looked up and saw Ben standing in the doorway.

“Can I talk to you?” He seemed much calmer than he’d been before he left.

“Sure.” I followed him out onto the porch, not sure whether I felt more guilty or angry.

“I shouldn’t have gone off on you like that. You’re right. We did agree to keep things casual. I don’t care what we call what’s going on between us, but I want it to be exclusive. I’ve never been good at sharing anything, and I’m sure as hell not okay sharing you.”

Ben’s anger had turned to hurt and fear. I would have done anything to fix it. For once, I wanted to make someone happy. “Is it possible to have a sex only relationship that’s exclusive?”

“Why not? I think we’re more than capable of satisfying each other without involving anyone else.”

“Sure. I can do exclusive.” Based on Ben’s freak out and my reaction to it, the casual part was a joke anyway. “But no flipping out on me again. I know I upset you, but I’m not going to put up with you insinuating things about me.” I hoped he heard the steel in my tone.

“Okay, I promise. I’m really sorry. You just bring out this protective side of me.”

“You call that protective?”

“Okay… crazy side. But are we cool?”

“I don’t know. Are we?” I teased, needing to ease the tension.

Ben instantly picked up on where I was headed. “Tell me you don’t want me to kiss you.”

He didn’t wait for an answer, pulling me down into his lap as he fell back into a chair.

Jake came out to find us pretty hot and heavy a few minutes later. “Wonderful, you made up. Mom says dinner’s ready.”

“Coming.” Ben waited for Jake to return inside. “I forgot how much fun making up with you is. Do you think we can maybe continue this later?”

“Maybe, maybe not.” I started to get up, but he pulled me back down.

“No way, I need more than that.” He tickled me.

“All right, we can continue later.” I barely got the words out past my giggles.

“Just what I wanted to hear.” We walked inside hand in hand and sat down to eat dinner with his family. To say his parents looked happy was an understatement. Sitting there, I realized that pretending we weren’t a couple wasn’t going to work for much longer. My willpower was almost gone.

Chapter Thirteen

Kelly literally skipped out of her house the morning I went to pick her up to go bridesmaid dress shopping. She jumped in the car with a huge grin, glowing with excitement.

“Are you ready? I can’t wait.”

“If you are this excited for bridesmaid dresses, I can’t imagine what you were like looking for your own dress.”

“I didn’t shop for one. I’m having my mom’s updated.”

“Really? That’s so cool. Your mom must be thrilled.”

Kelly laughed. “Thrilled is an understatement. She cried like crazy when I told her what I wanted to do.”

“It’s so nice that you are close to your mother.”

“You used to be close to yours…”

“That’s true, but not the way you and your mom are.”

“I think it comes from being the only daughter. You also have your sister.”

“Maybe that’s it.” I wasn’t convinced, but I dropped it.

I pulled out onto the interstate heading to a bridal store in the next town over. I rolled up the windows, sad to lose the fresh air, but unable to hear Kelly over the wind.

“I think I know what kind of dresses I want you girls to wear, but of course you get some veto power.”

“I’m sure whatever you pick will be fine. It’s just Daniela and me, right?” I asked, referring to Tom’s little sister.

“Uh huh, we wanted to keep it small. Tom’s just having Gavin and my brother.”

“Small is nice.”

“I think so too.” She smiled.

“Are you sure Daniela doesn’t mind us shopping without her?”

“No, she insisted. She hates shopping. I know it’s weird. I’m finally getting a sister and she won’t even shop with me.” Kelly messed with the zipper on her purse.

“She’s sweet though.”

“Definitely. We get along really well.”

The bridal shop was small with two thirds of the store full of white and ivory wedding gowns, and the back third displaying colorful bridesmaid dresses. We were the only customers in the store and were greeted warmly by a sales person.

We sat down to consult with her, and the woman bombarded Kelly with questions. “So what look were you thinking of? What does your dress look like? What type of wedding? How many girls? What’s the time line?”

“My dress is tea length and ivory, so I want something fairly simple and shorter for the girls. There’s only two.”

“Any color ideas, fabric?” She made a note on her pad.

“Green and something appropriate for the summer. Oh, and something we can order quickly. We’re kind of planning everything last minute.”

I smiled. I knew Kelly would pick green dresses. Sometimes the familiar could be so nice.

I tried on at least ten dresses, but Kelly kept going back to the same one. It was a beautiful light green with spaghetti straps and looked incredible on, but the price tag, especially with the rush order fee, terrified me.

“I’m going to get your dress,” Kelly said when I finished getting measured.

“You don’t have to do that.”

“Yes, I do. You took my engagement photos. This is my payment.”

“Kel—”

“Don’t bother. Tom and I already talked about it.”

“Are you sure? I know you don’t have a lot of extra money either.”

“I can get this. Just let it go.”

“Well, thank you.” I hugged her.

“You’re very welcome.”

We filled out some paperwork and got back in the car. “Want to grab some lunch?” Kelly asked.

“Sure, I’m starving.”

“Okay, cool. My treat.”

“No way, you just paid for my dress.”

“I know how tight you are on money right now.” She looked away, embarrassed.

“It’s just that my loan payments are getting ready to kick in, and I’m not exactly making much working for Gail.”

“You don’t have to explain.”

“I just feel worthless, you know? I’m twenty-two, in debt, and broke.” I checked my rearview mirror before changing lanes.

“How can being broke make you feel worthless?”

“I just feel dumb. I took out so many loans without even thinking about what would happen if I didn’t get a good job.”

“Don’t feel dumb. You’ll figure something out. You always do.”

“I know. I’m lucky Adam’s parents paid for the rest of our lease, otherwise I’d be even deeper in debt right now.”

“Is the lease up already?”

“In August. I left all the furniture and everything. I guess I’ll have to arrange for someone to take it.”

“Maybe your landlord will take it to sell? It’s probably worth asking about at least.”

“True, I could try that.”

I wanted to get off the depressing conversation. “But really, it’s not a big deal.”

“No, and there are other more important things to talk about.”

“Like?” I asked warily.

“Ben. You and Ben.”

“I thought we already discussed this.”

“We haven’t even scratched the surface.”

I should have known Kelly wasn’t letting me off so easy.

***

We were finishing up our lunch at Applebee’s when Kelly brought up Ben again. I’d tactfully skated around the topic throughout lunch by keeping the conversation on Kelly, Tom, and the wedding. I legitimately had questions for her and wanted to know the details. By the end of the meal, I’d discovered they were having a morning ceremony with a lunch time reception at the church with about a hundred guests. She wanted me to do a reading, and they were going on a honeymoon to Aruba. All very important information.

“Okay, enough about me. Your turn.” She put down her fork and crossed her arms. She meant business.

“Fine. What do you want to know?”

“What’s going on with you two?”

“I don’t actually know,” I admitted.

“How is that even possible?”

I paused to take a few more bites of my chicken salad. “All right, we’re being casually exclusive.”

“Excuse me?” Kelly’s eyes bugged out. “‘Casually exclusive?’ What does that even mean?”

“We’re not seeing anyone else, but we’re still keeping it purely physical.”

She shook her head before taking a long sip from her iced tea. “You’re joking, right? Please tell me you’re joking.”

“Sorry to disappoint you, but I’m being totally serious. You should have seen Ben. He flipped out when he found out I went to dinner with Gavin. I had to agree to exclusive.”

“I can’t say I’m surprised that he got upset, but that still leaves the question of why you want it to be about sex. You’re crazy about each other. Why not fully commit?”

“I have nothing to offer him. He deserves more than I can give.” I used a finger to trace designs in the condensation on my glass.

Kelly reached across the table and took my hand. “You don’t really believe that, do you?”

“Do I have to answer that?”

“Oh, Mol. You need to stop doing this to yourself. I know you’re still upset about Adam, and that’s understandable, but you can’t let that stop you from falling in love again. I know you, and you don’t want to spend your life alone just because you’re too afraid.”

I looked away, trying to hide some traitorous tears.

“It’s Ben we’re talking about. You know him. Sure, you’re not perfect, but neither is he. You need to tell him the truth about Adam and let him make his own decision. And we both know what choice he’ll make. He’s never had eyes for anyone else.”

“Please stop.” All this Ben talk was only making me more confused.

“Okay, so let’s pretend for a minute I believe in this whole ‘casual exclusive’ thing. What does it entail?”

I appreciated the life preserver she threw me. She was lightening the mood.

“We’ve spent the last few nights hanging out. We have a rule that it’s just hook ups and not dates, but I’m pretty sure watching movies on the couch kind of blurs that line.”

Kelly chuckled. “Umm yeah, how is that not a date?”

“I know. Ben’s upset I won’t spend the night.”

“Why won’t you? That’s kind of a weird thing to refuse.”

“It’s just too serious.” I edited out the part about the nightmares and how terrified I was of Ben finding out that I was the cause of two deaths. I knew Ben was crazy about me, but how could he not look at me differently when he found out? I wasn’t sure I could handle seeing his feelings change.

“It’s weird to hear you talk about a relationship being too serious. I didn’t think you even knew the definition of casual.” She reached over to grab an extra napkin from the dispenser to clean up a few drops of salad dressing from the table.

“Maybe that’s why I need this.”

“No, you’re just scared,” she said matter-of-factly. “Do you want dessert?”

I loved being best friends with the queen of non sequiturs. “Only if you let me pay for it.”