Destination India (18 page)

‘Erm, so I guess the women should go together,’ I said lightly, not wanting to hurt Chris’s feelings but
really
not wanting to share a room with him.

Ameera and Nihal scuffed their feet into the sand. ‘Well, yeah, I guess …’

I knew that look. They wanted to share a hut. Of course they did. They had a lot of, ahem, making up to do. I glanced at Chris who looked like he wanted to be anywhere than in this awkward dilemma.

‘Or … maybe we could …’

Before the words had left my mouth Nihal’s and Ameera’s faces lit up.

‘If you don’t mind, of course,’ Nihal said, before taking Ameera’s hand and half jogging to find their hut, not giving us the choice to take the offer back.

‘So, I guess that leaves us then,’ I said, as brightly as I could muster.

Chris just nodded, as sour-faced as always. Great. I was bursting for a wee, so I quickly took charge and led us to our hut.

Squad (n.) Any small group or party of persons engaged in a common enterprise

‘I hope you don’t snore,’ I teased Chris, wanting to make conversation as we began walking over to the last available hut, the one right on the edge of the semi-circle.

The silence between us was suffocating. He was one of the rudest men I’d ever met and now I was lumped with sharing a room with him.

‘I wouldn’t know. I’m usually asleep if that happens,’ he said wryly.

‘Yep, of course.’ I let out an odd laugh.

No wonder he was single. He probably bored all his ex-girlfriends to sleep and when they woke up they realised what a huge mistake they’d made.

‘Right, here we are.’

I climbed the wooden steps to the door and pushed it open. Its loud creak gave me a start. Even though the huts may have looked similar to the ones in the Blue Butterfly on the outside, the inside was a complete contrast. Basic was an understatement. The room held two narrow beds on either side of the thin wooden walls with just a small gap in between. I would be able to stretch my arm out in the night and touch Chris’s face they were so close together. I continued to the back of the hut where a plywood door
opened onto a bathroom no bigger than my parents’ dining table. A spout came out of the roughly tiled wall for the shower, which also doubled up as a wash basin, and on the opposite side was a hole-in-the-ground toilet.

I hadn’t even thought about the fact I’d be sharing the bathroom facilities with Chris. A man. Going to the toilet is the most natural thing in the world, so why is it so rife with stress and problems? When I’d lived with my ex, Alex, going to the bathroom was one of the things I’d gotten so worked up about at the beginning. I’d been terrified that my womanly allure would be threatened by a pongy fart, loud wee or even a floater that wouldn’t flush. Everyone on this planet has to shit but when you’re in a new relationship you wish that wasn’t true. Obviously, as time wore on I didn’t care as much with Alex, even letting him walk in whilst I was having a wee. But number twos stayed firmly behind locked doors with a can of air freshener to hand and loud music playing to hide the plops and splatter in the toilet bowl.

I wondered if it was too late to see if anyone else wanted to share; I would feel so much more comfortable with one of the other girls. Then I realised that Chris was probably just as uncomfortable with this situation as I was.

Well we won’t be in here for long,
I told myself.

‘Just nipping to the loo,’ I said, not able to keep this wee in for much longer, and walked the three steps to the bathroom.

I shut the door behind me and cringed that I could hear not only Ollie talking to Stefan outside our hut but that I was also certain I could hear Ameera and Nihal chattering in the hut next door. Awkward. My bladder wouldn’t let me find an alternative solution so I got into an uncomfortable squat position and held onto the exposed stone wall for balance. I could hear Chris pottering about just outside
the bathroom door, the sound of the zip on his backpack opening and clothes rustling. I could even hear his breathing; the walls were so thin.

Come on just have a wee.
My bladder refused to co-operate.

‘You OK in there, Louise?’ Chris rapped at the door.

‘Yes. Just having a nosy around,’ I called out loudly. My hands were clammy, my face red and my thighs were shaking in pain from this stupid position.

Just ignore him and have a wee.

‘Right, well I’m heading off to this yoga class that’s about to start.’

Yoga class?! I’d forgotten that was on the agenda for today.

‘Right, yep. I’ll meet you there,’ I said squeezing my Kegel muscles tight waiting for his heavy footsteps to walk away. Once I heard the door to the hut squeak shut I emptied my bladder. God that felt good. I quickly washed my face, sprayed some deodorant and went to join the others on the beach.

A supple older woman wearing a shiny, purple leotard over electric blue leggings smiled at me as I trotted up the sand to join the others who were already sat on pale blue yoga mats near the shore.

‘Hello! Namaste.’ Lycra lady clapped her palms together and bowed at me. ‘Please take a mat.’ Her skin was as brown as a tree trunk but delicate like crêpe paper, especially against her bright silver hair that had been woven into a long plait down her skeletal body. I guess she must have been in her late sixties but had the body of a twenty-something.

I nodded and stepped over the group to the last remaining mat right at the front. Great. I was so un-supple, I’d given up trying to touch my toes back in primary school PE classes. This was going to be fun.

‘OK, so welcome everyone. My name’s Yvonne and I’ll be your teacher this evening. For those of you who are yoga virgins I’ll be taking it slow but for some of you who have already benefited from the power of this wonderful activity –’ she nodded at Flic who beamed back ‘– you can up the level and feel the strength from the sun, which is about to set.’ Her voice floated across the air; she spoke as if she was stoned – maybe she was. ‘Erm yes?’

Bo had his hand in the air. ‘I think we should all put on some Vaseline to stop any chafing. The mix of sand, stretching and sun can cause bad rashes.’

‘I’m not slathering myself in oil,’ Bex said aghast at the idea.

‘Thank you for that helpful suggestion but I think we will all be fine,’ Yvonne said diplomatically. ‘OK, great. So let’s lie back on our mats and concentrate on our breathing.’

Whilst trying to get comfy I glanced around at our group and realised that Nihal and Ameera were missing. Hmm … wonder what yoga moves they were trying out in private. Flic was chomping at the bit to get started, looking irritated with Ollie, Stefan and Bo who were more focused on a game of beach cricket taking place further up the shore than on their chakras. Liz and Sarah were wafting away pesky mosquitos as Bex yawned loudly; clearly she was feeling Zen already.

‘OK, and take a deep breath in, then exhale,’ Yvonne said, letting out a loud heavy whoosh as she exhaled. ‘And again.’ She continued to sound like a steam train, making me want to giggle.

‘Excellent! Now onto all fours as we do the cat pose.’ She effortlessly changed position as the rest of us pushed ourselves onto our hands. I dug my knees into my mat and tilted my head back, gazing into the hazy sunset that was starting to peek through silhouetted palm trees. ‘Now keep in that position as I come round and check your lines.’

The sky above our open-air yoga session was changing with every second. The daylight was slowly dimming as a fiery flame of sun licked the top of the waves crashing opposite us. Streaks of raspberry red danced with soft blood-orange hues that skittered around the hazy glow of the sunset. It was magical.

Yvonne jumped to her feet and padded around us on the sand. ‘A little higher, that’s it. Excellent core work there. Now just move your hands slightly more under your shoulders,’ she softly told the group before coming over to me.

Her tanned face peered down at me. ‘Now, you need to push your bottom higher into the air.’ I did as she said feeling like a right numpty. ‘Lovely.’ She went back to her mat and resumed the ridiculous pose all of us were doing. ‘Now inhale, and when you exhale I want you to dip your back, but keep that core tight. And exhale.’ Another whoosh from Yvonne’s mouth, we all dropped our stomachs to the mat. With this simple movement I suddenly realised that it wasn’t just a wee that I’d needed earlier.

I let out an enormous squelchy fart.

Crap bags.

I squeezed my eyes shut, dying inside and pretended that it wasn’t me who’d just set a world record for the fart that was so noisy even my parents back home could have heard it. For a never-ending second afterwards, I swear all I could hear was the sound of waves and the rustle of palm tree leaves.

Amazingly Yvonne took no notice and started telling everyone to stop giggling and repeat the move. The flame in my cheeks subsided but I kept my focus on my mat for fear of giving the game away.

OMG I’ve got away with it. No one knew it was me!

And that’s when it hit me.

I gagged and coughed at the pungent smell that followed. Sulphuric, propane gas wafted through the air, warming in the heat, making it even more potent. People behind began coughing loudly too; the sound of giggling turned up a notch.

‘Who the friggin’ hell let that rip?’ Bex shouted out. ‘Jeeezus!’

‘Now now, it’s only natural that we let our bodies relax in every way possible,’ Yvonne piped up; I could feel her narrowed and slightly amused eyes trained on me.

Stare at the mat, stare at the mat.

‘There ain’t nothing natural about that gas explosion!’ Bex continued, followed by others chuckling. ‘Who was it? Come on, own up!’

Stare at the mat, stare at the mat.

‘Please, miss, we are here to relax and centre ourselves. Now if you will all follow me into the child’s pose.’ Yvonne was desperately trying to continue with the class that had now erupted into schoolgirl giggles.

I joined in and laughed along too, peering round at everyone as if trying to find the culprit. Until I met Chris’s eye. He was on the mat just behind me where he literally would have just experienced a full face of my flatulence. Bugger. He looked at me sceptically as if daring me to own up and admit that it was I with the mistimed bowels. I stayed mute.

‘Well, whoever it is needs to lay off the curries.’ Bex continued to dramatically waft her nose.

‘That’s enough, miss. Now please everyone come back on your mat and tuck your legs underneath yourself.’ Yvonne gave Bex a look far removed from her normal hippy, yoga-teacher demeanour. Bex muttered something under her breath and soon the class was back on track. I didn’t dare look at Chris again and tried my hardest to keep my bum cheeks firmly together for the rest of the lesson.

Once we’d finished with a final over-the-top, exhaling flourish I rolled up my mat and left it in the pile near Yvonne’s feet. She smiled at me –
she knows.
Then I half trotted back up the sand to my hut to quickly check that I hadn’t followed through on that fart and stained my pants.

There is a God after all.
Covering my still red face with my hands I climbed into my bed and cursed this stupid country, the stupid thin walls, stupid sharing a room, stupid curries and stupid yoga. Chris wandered in not long after and nodded at me before continuing to unpack his bag. All his shirts looked like they’d been pressed as pristinely as you’d find in a posh clothes shop.

‘You know, lentils are one of the key ingredients in causing stomach upsets,’ he said without a hint of sarcasm before continuing to sort through his impeccably ordered clothes.

‘Thanks, I’ll, erm, bear that in mind,’ I answered quietly, then turned over and pulled the thin sheet above my head, wishing I was anywhere but here.

Ebullient (adj.) Having or showing liveliness and enthusiasm; exuberant

A few hours later I emerged from the empty hut; Chris had decided to go off on a walk according to the neatly written note he’d left me. I’d taken a cold shower, freshened up and padded out in the dim evening light to find the others. The cheerful voices of the tour group travelled on the air making my heart leap for a moment. I was so pleased everyone was getting along; no one seemed to mind the additional travellers and fairly chaotic tour up to this point. Nihal’s voice boomed over the empty beach as he told a joke, making everyone crease up with laughter. I thought back to the trip I’d taken in Thailand, with sketchy tour guide Kit and the people I had been lumped with when I’d experienced my first taste of backpacking. That awful tour was one of the reasons I’d created the Lonely Hearts Travel Club. I never wanted anyone who’d found themselves suddenly single to have to experience that nightmare.

Seeing the outlines of this tour group, sat on oversized cushions and paisley, padded mats that were scattered around an open fire, reminded me that this was why I was here. Helping these people through their problems whilst seeing another side of the world was what this was all
about. I waved at them as I found an empty space in the circle and sat down on the sand.

‘Hey, so what did I miss?’

‘Well we’re just about to eat. I’ve arranged with the chef to bring us out a traditional Goan dinner,’ Nihal said proudly.

‘Sounds great.’ I thought back to Chris’s comment about the lentils. I decided I’d pass on the dal.

‘And tonight is also a special evening as it’s the night before Holi. It’s tradition to have a Holika bonfire to get us all ready for the festival tomorrow. So as we wait for dinner I thought we could play a game? To get to know each other a little better.’

Ameera nodded then added, ‘I know it may have felt a little disjointed but now we’re here in Goa and especially with two groups coming together it would be nice to find out about each other.’ Murmurs of agreement came from around me. ‘So, maybe … Louise, you might like to begin? Tell us why you’re here?’

I tried to hide the way I was gawping at her; Nihal knew why I was here but must not have explained to Ameera who the hell I was.

‘Erm, yep sure,’ I stuttered as the group turned to face me.

‘You don’t have to go first it you don’t want,’ Nihal jumped in before Ameera patted his arm gently.

‘You don’t mind, do you?’ The question was innocent but I had no idea what to say; did I make up a fake heartbreak story to go with my fake persona or just tell the truth.

I shook my head and took a deep breath. ‘So, erm, this time last year I was planning on getting married.’ I paused; it still felt unbelievable when I thought back to that girl. The one obsessed with preparing the perfect
wedding day, the one drowning in table settings, flower arrangements and cake tastings, the one who didn’t realise just how unhappy she was to be in that situation until she lost control and ended up boarding a flight to Thailand and never looked back. Liz smiled sympathetically, encouraging me to continue.

‘Erm, so just a few months later my fiancé came home from work one night and broke it off. He didn’t want to marry me and couldn’t go through with it. Now, this wasn’t just a case of cold feet and pre-wedding jitters, he’d actually been cheating on me for a good few months before that.’

‘Bastard!’ Bex cried out, making me smile.

‘Yeah that’s what I thought,’ I said, letting grains of sand run through my fingertips.

‘You don’t think that now?’ Liz piped up.

I shook my head. ‘No. What I think now is, yeah, that was pretty shitty, he was a complete coward in leaving it till two weeks before the expensive and stupidly over-the-top big white wedding but actually he gave me a wakeup call. I had got so consumed in being this perfect version of myself, changing and moulding into what he and his family wanted me to be, that I’d lost all sight of who I really was. I was no longer Geor – I mean Louise – sorry, just Louise and Alex.’

‘I can’t believe how calm you seem about it all,’ frizzy-haired Sarah said, nodding her head sagely.

‘I guess in every break-up there’s always a silver lining and every ending has a new beginning,’ I said, thinking back to what Rahul had told us in the Mumbai temple. ‘It’s so frustrating but all those thrown-about, well-worn clichés are true. Time is a healer, you do deserve better, and things
will
get easier. You just have to know your self-worth and trust that it will all be OK, eventually.’

Staring at the faces looking back at me etched with worry, lack of confidence and a grief-like loss at their failed relationships, I felt buoyed to continue. ‘You are all here half a world away from your routine and the places that feel comfortable and familiar to you. You’ve gone through what has been an, erm, challenging start on this tour but I hope you can look back and grow in confidence at the experiences you’ve had so far. Hell, I know being part of a Bollywood film is a once-in-a-lifetime opportunity that has to give you a little pick me up!’

‘So how did you, you know, get over him?’ Liz asked twiddling the rough frayed edge of the mat through her fingers.

‘I went travelling. I changed my perspective, both literally and figuratively. I hung out with some awesome, positive strangers and I let myself cry over what I’d lost. But even though I know I’ll never share those times with him again, I feel so much happier because of the things I’ve learnt to do by myself, of the friends I’ve met and the places I’ve been because of what he did to me. So, in answer to your question, and in the words of Kelly Clarkson, I didn’t let this kill me, instead it made me stronger.’

A small round of applause broke out that had me blushing and wafting my hands in front of my tearful eyes.

‘So why did you come on this trip then? If you had already gone travelling to get over it?’ Chris said, bringing me back down to the ground with a bump.

‘Well, I, erm …’ I stuttered. ‘There’s no timeline on when you will start to feel better and more like yourself again. I’d always wanted to visit India but even with the confidence I found when I travelled last time I was still apprehensive about seeing this country by myself so I booked on this tour. Erm, so anyone want to go next?’ I
smiled at the others, hoping my quickly made-up answer was suitable enough.

Just as Flic waved her arm in the air to begin, Chris interrupted. ‘So, you could say you were the original member of the Lonely Hearts Travel Club?’

I laughed awkwardly. ‘Erm, yeah I guess you could.’ I really didn’t want to tell people that I was the bloody CEO of the company, especially not when they were about to open up to each other. ‘Right so Flic as you were about to say …’

‘Well yes. I’m –’

‘So, I’m guessing you’re not heartbroken any more then. If, you know, travel helped fix you.’ Chris interrupted again, receiving a lot of pissed-off looks from the others. He really wasn’t doing himself any favours or making friends here.

I turned to face him and plastered on a big smile, hiding the growing sigh that was building in my chest. I wasn’t heartbroken like the last time I jetted away but I still wasn’t in the loved-up state with Ben I’d dreamt about.

‘Well, erm, I guess I’m not where I thought I’d be,’ I stuttered.

‘I reckon Ollie will help take your mind off your ex,’ Bex called out, making the others laugh.

‘Shut up, Bex,’ Ollie replied. I caught him glancing under his long lashes over to Liz who was sat upright, looking very uncomfortable.

‘OK, so as you were saying, Flic.’ I turned to Flic, half blocking out Chris and that smirk he wore so well, indicating that interrogate Louise/Georgia time was over.

‘Doesn’t matter,’ she said looking bored.

‘I’ll go next then.’ The Chinese guy raised his arm. ‘My name is Bo.’

As Bo told us all about his messy break-up with his high school sweetheart who’d left him for a guy she’d met in
the gym, I tuned out. What
was
going on between me and Ben? I felt like I was on this rollercoaster ride of emotions alternating between forcing myself to have the courage to tell him how I felt, and brushing whatever we had off as a silly nothing, destined to stay in the past. Would he ever be part of my future or were we just friendly colleagues? Did I need to finally move on?

Bo was obviously still in the angry fuck-you phase of his break-up as he finished telling us his story by muttering under his breath that his ex was an absolute bitch. I was about to jump in and explain that those feelings of wanting to find a voodoo doll with Kiko’s face on it would pass, when I spotted Liz raise her pale arm that was almost translucent against the glowing embers of the fire.

‘Yes, Liz.’ Ameera smiled at her warmly.

As she cleared her throat, Ollie’s head jerked up. ‘I understand what Bo is saying.’ Her voice was barely audible over the thrashing waves. ‘I … I was in a similar situation.’

It was almost painful watching her open up. Her bony shoulders were hunched up to her jaw as she fiddled with a loose thread on her harem trousers.

‘OK, do you want to tell the group? It might help others,’ Ameera gently encouraged her.

Liz nodded. ‘I know what Bo means because I was that girl. I cheated on my ex.’

Her grey watery eyes were filled with even more tears shimmering in this light. I braced myself for the group, well namely Bex, to chuck her in the fire, chanting
burn the cheating whore
as she did so, but everyone remained silent. They were probably shocked that Liz was speaking out loud for the first time, like, ever.

‘I was with this wonderful man for four years. He never did a thing wrong to me. We had a very vanilla relationship,
if you know what I mean. Which was fine at times but … but, somehow it wasn’t enough.’ Tears now streaked down her drawn face and plopped onto her trousers. Ollie looked torn between wanting to hug this vulnerable woman he so obviously liked and waiting to hear her explanation. ‘I got really drunk one evening in a bar by myself when he was working away. I went home with a man, a stranger; I didn’t even know his name. Afterwards I was consumed with this guilt, regret and disgust at what I’d done.’ She sniffed loudly. The whole group was entranced. Who knew Liz was such a dark horse.

‘But I carried on doing it. I was excited by the thrill of being caught; of showing him that he’d underestimated me. I wasn’t this weak, quiet, boring woman. One night he found some messages on my phone and quite rightly went ballistic, screaming at me that I was a slut, a whore and had broken his heart. I’ll never forget the look of absolute revulsion on his face as he packed and left. He never came back. After that I decided to go and see a therapist to talk about what I’d done, how my urges had led me to hurt someone I cared about so much.’ Liz took a deep breath before continuing. ‘She explained that it was natural to want to feel fulfilled in every aspect of a relationship and how the way I had gone about it had been wrong, but it had shown me what I valued most in a partner. Sadly, my ex and I just weren’t meant to be.’

Ollie’s eyes were as wide as Liz’s; I could almost see his brain ticking from here, thinking how this girl he blatantly fancied was actually a sex nymph. Result!

‘I’ve never told anyone that before – apart from my therapist.’ She wiped her eyes with the base of her hand and glanced up at everyone. ‘I’m so sorry to have cheated on my ex. I know a lot of you are here because of your partners doing that to you and you probably all hate me
right now. But I couldn’t carry on with the pretence that I was the one who’d been the victim when I wasn’t.’

‘Come here you!’ Bex said, roughly pulling Liz into a hug. Ollie looked like he was itching to do the exact same thing. ‘Course we won’t think any less of you. It’s brave what you’ve just admitted and we –’ she eyed the group as if daring anyone to disagree ‘– we are all here for you.’

‘Thank you! You don’t know how good that feels,’ Liz said through gulps of tears.

Man, she was really cut up about what she’d done. I wondered briefly if Alex had ever felt similar feelings of regret over how he’d treated me. I shook myself not wanting to revisit my past and quickly brushed his face out of my mind.

‘I wanted to come on this tour for so long but once I’d heard everyone talking about being cheated on I just felt I couldn’t say a thing. I know I’m not officially heartbroken but I am still adjusting to being single, to working out what I want in a relationship and how I can be more confident in myself, rather than feeling ashamed.’

‘I think step one of the new Liz has already happened.’ I smiled at her. ‘Bex is right; that was brave to open up to us all and I am sure that you’ll find exactly what you’re looking for very very soon.’ I couldn’t bring myself to make eye contact with Ollie but I could feel his excitable energy from here.

‘Guys,’ Stefan piped up.

‘Do you want to go next?’ Nihal asked. ‘As I think dinner is nearly ready.’

‘No, well yeah, I can wait till after dinner but look.’ Stefan had his arm outstretched pointing at the ocean. Dancing and diving out of the waves was a huge shoal of flying fish shimmering in the moonlight.

‘Cool!’ Ollie said, sitting back on his elbows watching nature’s show.

Suddenly the tide drew in and the fish were left stranded, flailing and glistening on the wet sand.

‘We’ve got to get them back in the sea!’ Ollie shouted, getting to his feet.

We all raced to the shore and began scooping up wet, slimy fish and throwing them back into the water before it was too late. It was a real team effort to make sure the tiny fishes were all on their way back to their families, safe from harm.

After dinner we traipsed back to our huts feeling stuffed, content and closer as a group. The night sky had clouded around us so all I could hear was shrieks of laughter as people stumbled to their huts with the light from their iPhones guiding their way. Chris was already fast asleep as I tiptoed inside. He’d left hours earlier than everyone else as apparently all these cathartic chats weren’t for him, which was a shame really as I was itching to find out why he was here and who had hurt him; maybe I could go and shake their hand.
No, Georgia, be nice.