Destiny (Waiting for Forever) (22 page)

“I’ll be up in a few, and we’ll get started.”

I was sure Mike could feel my trembling hand as he took it to lead me up the stairs. My heart pounded, and I wondered what Carolyn would think if she could see me. She would probably regret ever adopting me if she saw a video with me in it.

I was risking everything.

When we got up to the room, I saw the walls were painted a deep burgundy color. In the middle of the room sat a large bed with white sheets. Two cameras stood in the room; one near the end of the bed and one off to the right, while near the foot of the bed were large lights on stands. Ready to get it over with, I started to take off my shirt, but Mike stopped me.

“They’re going to have you do that once the cameras are rolling,” he said quietly, and I sat down on the edge of the bed, putting my head between my knees.

“Brian,” Mike said gently, kneeling in front of me on the cream-colored carpeting. “You don’t have to do this.”

“Yeah, I do, because I don’t want to go back.” I took a deep breath and closed my eyes for a second, trying to center myself. I’d nearly forgotten those techniques Sensei taught me the year before. Opening my eyes again, I took Mike’s face between my hands and pulled him forward into a deep kiss. He moaned against my lips.

“Yeah, just like that,” I whispered. “Make me want it.” Pushing off his knees, he stood slowly, not breaking the kiss. I leaned back on the bed, hitting the mattress as he crawled on top of me.

“That feels good,” he groaned as I reached down and cupped his ass, holding him close, almost clinging to him.

“Hey, if you’d rather do this than a solo, I’m good with that. He’s been tested?” Nick’s voice said over Mike’s shoulder, and Mike kissed me one more time before rolling off. I looked over to see Nick and another guy.

“No, but I’m good with it. We can do that before the next shoot,” Mike assured him.

“Hey, Julio,” I said, recognizing the guy from the door at the bar.

“I have a scene with Taylor or Tyler or whatever his name is later today. I’m good, but I can’t film more than once a day, man,” Mike said, laughing as he crawled off the bed and stood near the camera.

“Screw Taylor,” Nick said as Julio checked a camera with a grin on his face. “You’re a bigger draw, and this kid will be, too, if we can keep him from bolting. He’s adorable.”

“You okay with this?” Mike asked quietly while the other two men set up the scene.

“It will keep me distracted, focusing on you rather than the camera, and I’ll be less nervous. So, yeah, I’m okay with it,” I told him as the thought seared itself into my head: I was about to bang Mike on camera.

“Okay, here’s what I want you to do. Start with kissing, so that Scott here feels more comfortable, then move on to oral. Doesn’t matter who goes first, just go with whatever feels more natural. Give Corey a good rimming and then do him. Scott has a great ass, so definitely missionary, then move to your hands and knees. Let’s hold off on riding him this time. Got it?” Nick asked Mike, sounding like he’d just ordered dinner rather than described an act of intimacy.

“Brian, you know what he means by rimming, right?” Mike asked, and I nodded. Then he looked at Hartley. “I don’t think Brian’s ever done that before.”

“It’s all right. If he freaks or doesn’t want to, we can cut and move to something else.”

“How do you want us to start?”

“Just sit on the edge of the bed and wait for me to give you the go. I think Julio is almost ready. Oh, and kid, make sure you take off the rubber to spend your load on Corey’s ass.”

I just stared at him.

Mike stroked me through my jeans while we waited for the cameras to roll. He whispered that he wanted to get me hard, to get me into it before things started, but no matter how much I tried to concentrate on the feeling of his hand, all I could see were the cameras. The lights came on, and I jumped, almost blinded by them.

“Brian, you need to relax,” Mike said as he rubbed my back. “This isn’t as scary as you’re making it out to be.”

I nodded, wanting to tell him that I understood, but no words would come out.

“Nick, hang on a minute,” Mike called, holding his hand up toward Nick and Julio. They appeared to be ready to start.

“What’s up?” Nick asked, coming over from where he had been instructing Julio.

“Not our boy,” Mike said with a chuckle, and I glared at him.

“Screw you,” I said as he got to his knees on the carpet in front of me.

“That’s what we’re all hoping for,” he replied with a smirk as he reached for the button on my jeans. I pushed his hand away, and he grabbed it.

“We’re not starting yet. I’m just going to fluff you and get you hard. Lie back and close your eyes. Don’t think about anything except the feeling of my mouth on you.”

I looked at him, and he made a “hurry up” motion with his hand, so I closed my eyes and lay back. Usually the mere thought of Mike sucking me off would make me hard, but I just couldn’t make it happen. His hands felt steady and sure as he opened my fly, pulling my jeans down just enough to fish my limp dick from where it was nestled in my briefs.

At first, I didn’t think I’d be able to get hard, but Mike just continued to touch and tease me until they deemed me ready.

“Okay, zip him up and let’s get started.”

I
N
THE
aftermath of an orgasm it felt took years to achieve, I looked over at Mike, who was quietly getting dressed next to the bed. Julio had shut off the blinding lights and taken the raw video from the camera to editing. Nick had gone downstairs after taking what felt like a million still images of me for the site. I remained on the bed, naked and shivering slightly as a cool breeze blew over my sweat-drenched skin. The exhausting afternoon weighed on me, both mentally and physically. I just wanted to sleep.

The reality of porn wasn’t as sexy as it appeared on screen.

Rather than just having fun and laughing as we always did when we made out, it had turned out to be work. The harsh lights had kept me from seeing the cameras but had blinded me and made the temperature in the room uncomfortably hot. While the sweat must have looked good on camera, I had felt anything but sexy. Filming also had to be stopped twice because Mike and I couldn’t get hard at the same time. Nick kept giving helpful suggestions and quiet instructions, but by the end of the scene, I just wanted it to be over. It had taken forever for me to finish, and Hartley had stopped the scene, letting Mike clean up, replacing it with some kind of fake silicone come until I could finish. When I got close, I’d totally forgotten about taking the condom off until Mike looked back over his shoulder and whispered urgently at me, giving the editors yet another part that needed to be cut. It took me three tries to get the condom off so they could get the shot they wanted.

“Hey,” Mike said gently, crawling back in bed with me. His clothes scratched my naked skin, but I didn’t move. I couldn’t even look at him.

“Brian, you did fine.” He brushed my sweaty hair off my forehead and kissed my damp skin. I rolled onto my side, burying my face in his chest. Silently, he held me.

“I don’t think I can do this,” I whispered.

“Why don’t you get dressed, and we’ll go downstairs. I’ll introduce you to some of the other guys, and maybe Nick will let us see the prelims. He always likes to look at them while they’re fresh in his head.”

Numbly, I got dressed. I don’t remember putting on my socks or buttoning up my shirt, but when I finished, Mike led me back downstairs. We passed the kitchen where Nick sat with his laptop and headed into the living room where a couple of guys were still playing video games.

“How did it go?” Brandon asked, hitting pause on the controller to look up at Mike. The guy playing with him huffed indignantly.

“You only paused it because you were losing. If you were winning, I’d have to play until my hands fell off,” he whined. Brandon threw the controller at him, got up, and walked over to us.

“Shut up, princess. Daddy’s talking,” he said, and the other boy’s mouth fell open dramatically. He turned to the boy next to him, who looked somewhat bored, and began ranting about Brandon.

“Nice,” Mike snorted.

“He makes me insane. Everything has to be a drama,” Brandon replied. “Seriously, kid, you look a little pale.”

“He did fine. Not everyone has balls of steel like you, man.”

Brandon smirked and grabbed the front of his cutoff shorts, and I laughed in spite of the sick feeling still lingering in the pit of my stomach. The other guy apparently got sick of listening to the whining kid and came over to join us.

“Josh, this is Scott,” Mike said as he approached. “We generally use our stage names. First, it makes calling out the wrong name during a shoot less likely, and second, because some guys don’t want anyone to know their real names.”

Just like everyone else I’d seen in the house, Josh was an attractive guy. His short, spiky black hair was gelled into such a mess that it had to be intentional. As he looked up, piercing ice-blue eyes fixed on me, and I felt my skin flush under their intensity.

“Hi, Josh,” I said quietly, and he smiled.

“You’re a shy one, aren’t you?” he teased with a good-natured smile.

“A shy porn star, what an oxymoron,” the boy on the couch called, apparently having abandoned his game since no one else wanted to play.

“Better than being an actual moron,” Brandon muttered, and they all laughed, but I didn’t, knowing what it was like to be teased.

“Don’t mind Taylor,” Josh said, dismissing the slender, almost effeminate boy sitting on the couch. Long, straight blond hair fell into Taylor’s eyes as he looked over at us. He pulled his bottom lip between his teeth and pushed it back with a huff as if he knew the laughter had been about him. The careless way he flopped back against the couch made it seem as if he couldn’t have cared less, but as our eyes met, I saw sadness in his. He desperately wanted to be included in their group but never quite made it, and it hurt.

“Hey, Corey, bring Scott in here for a minute,” Nick yelled from the kitchen, ending our conversation. I told Josh it was nice meeting him and then felt Brandon clap me on the shoulder as I turned to follow Mike into the kitchen.

Nick sat watching a video play on his laptop. I could hear Mike’s low moans, slightly distorted, coming through the computer speakers. Standing off to the side, I focused on Mike because I couldn’t force myself to look at the screen.

“It needs to be edited, of course, and I’m going to have someone, probably Chad, work on that as soon as possible. I want this up. See how you feed off each other? You have such chemistry together. It’s sensual, erotic. I can’t wait to see subscriber reaction to Scott. I think it’s going to be through the roof,” Nick said, excitement in his voice.

“Sco—Brian, watch,” he instructed, pulling on my hand until I faced the screen. “See how every emotion plays out on your face. You’re so open, it’s almost real.”

I opened my eyes to see me on top of Mike, screwing him for the entire world to see. The sick feeling returned.

“Here, kid,” Nick said quietly, and handed me a check. “I wrote it out for a full scene, not just a solo.” I looked down at it and saw that the amount would cover my rent for June.

I could stay another month.

Thirteen

“B
RIAN
…
baby, your phone is ringing,” Mike said quietly, waking me up. The thing sat about a foot from my head on the bedside table. I’d heard it every single time. I hadn’t bothered to look at it, my e-mail, or my Facebook page in a week. I couldn’t. I couldn’t face my friends or my family after what I’d done. The video would come out, and they would all know.

Mike stood up from where he had been sitting on the foot of my bed and picked up the phone. I jerked it out of his hand in case he considered answering it. I already knew who it was. Glancing at the display, I saw that it was indeed my mom and that it was nearly four in the afternoon.

“Why aren’t you out with the crew?” I asked, throwing the phone in the general direction of my closet. It landed in my laundry basket, something else I hadn’t looked at in a week.

“Kenny knocked off early for the day,” he said as he climbed onto the bed to lie on his side next to me.

“How nice for you,” I snapped before rolling over to face the wall. He sighed. I knew I was being unreasonable, but something inside of me had broken, and I didn’t know how to fix it.

The door to my room opened, and I heard someone come in.

“Hey,” Emilio said, the door closing behind him. After a minute, he crawled up onto my bed with us, resting his head on my thigh. We kind of overflowed off the twin-size bed, but it felt good to have my friends with me. I don’t think I’d felt so alone since I had sat in the rain in front of Jamie’s house, watching him being taken away.

Jamie
.

I’d sold my body, the body Jamie loved, in order to stay in California. The worst part was that I wasn’t even staying for him. If that were the case, I might have been able to justify the pain it caused him. My desire to stay, however, centered on my selfish, desperate need for friends. I didn’t even know if I could do what I needed to in order to stay.