Destiny (Waiting for Forever) (34 page)

“Hey, babe,” he said, and I was relieved to see that he appeared relaxed and happy. “Did you do your scene yet?”

“No, I’m still waiting,” I replied and waited for him to head back downstairs. I didn’t want him to think I was in a hurry to get out of the hallway, though I hoped Brian waited for a while before coming out.

“Hey, Dylan.” I looked around Steven to see Mike coming up the stairs. He nodded to Steven as he walked past us and into the bathroom. I heard him lock the door behind him, and finally Steven turned for the stairs.

His heavy boots thudded down the first two stairs, and I felt like I could breathe again.

“O
KAY
,
Dylan, we’ve had some requests for you to top in a scene,” Nick said two hours later as I stood waiting for instructions in the blue room. I looked over at him in surprise. I’d been working with Hartley for months, and all my scenes had been bottoming scenes. Steven said that happened because I looked so young, and I knew he was probably right. I’d turned nineteen, months before, but I still looked sixteen. They’d have to pair me up with someone who looked as young as I did. God, I
bet
it would be Brian.

“Jesse is going to bottom for you. He’s just getting ready in the bathroom,” he continued, answering my curious expression. I couldn’t really be pleased with nailing one of Brian’s close friends all afternoon, but I just had to be thankful it wasn’t Brian.

“Okay,” I said and moved over to sit on the bed and wait.

“You have topped before, right?” Nick asked with one brow raised. I glanced around and saw the other guys were watching me. A blush heated my face, and I cleared my throat before answering.

“Yeah, I’ve topped,” I replied. I’d done it once, when Brian and I made love, and I’d been terrified the entire time. I wouldn’t admit that to Nick or to any of the other guys in the room.

“Great…. And here comes Jesse, so we can get started,” he said as the bathroom door opened and the guy who had introduced himself to me as “Emilio” wandered into the room. If he was as nervous or uncomfortable as I felt, Emilio didn’t show it. He simply walked over to the bed and sat down next to me.

Crawling onto the bed on my knees, I watched as Emilio did the same. Both of us wore loose jeans and tight T-shirts but were barefoot. We faced each other, knelt at the center of the bed, and waited. When the cameras were ready, Nick gave us the okay to begin, and before I could breathe or even think, Emilio’s mouth covered mine. Closing my eyes, I felt his hands on either side of my neck, his thumbs on my cheeks. It felt different from the other guys I’d been with since starting with Hartley. His kiss was slow and sensual rather than being rushed or forced. My arms went around his thin shoulders as the kiss deepened, and, without having to think up a fantasy or bring up a memory, my body started to show interest in the way his lips and mouth moved.

“Y
OU
okay, baby?” Emilio asked quietly afterward, and I had to think about my answer. No, I wasn’t okay. Pain and guilt caused my stomach to lurch, and I felt sick. The high from the pills Steven had given me before the shoot had worn off, and I wanted another one just so I didn’t have to feel. If I wasn’t careful, I’d turn into one of those addicts I’d seen on the street, and then no one would have a use for me anymore. Being on the streets terrified me even more than Steven did. Watching George being beaten to death, seeing the life leave his eyes while his blood pooled on the ground… I couldn’t go back to that.

“No,” I replied but didn’t elaborate. He nodded and wrapped his arms around me in a tight, comforting, almost awkward hug.

“Brian loves you more than anything, Jamie,” he whispered. “We’re all going to help you. Please don’t give up hope.” The sincerity and concern in his voice almost made me hope that what he said could be true. Then I thought about Steven’s voice as he told me he would kill anyone who tried to take me away. I felt a ghost of the pain from his violent penetration; that brutal sex was his way of reminding me that he owned me.

“I can’t give up what I’ve never had,” I told him, unsurprised that my voice sounded so defeated. Rolling off the bed, I dressed so I could find Steven before he came looking for me.

Twenty

“O
KAY
,
it’s your turn…,” I told Brian as we sat on the couch in the blue room, hidden away from the rest of the guys. Since Nick had decided to shoot on Friday, Steven was at work, but Emilio and Alex were keeping an eye out anyway. Brian had just finished telling me about his two-day bus ride to San Diego. I still couldn’t believe that he had hopped on the bus just one day after receiving my letter. The whole point of sending it was so that he would move on with his life, not chase after me.

Resisting his sweet gestures when he was trying so hard turned out to be impossible, and being friends with Brian made me feel almost human again. I liked finding out things about his life I’d missed in the last two years. Back in Alabama, when we’d still had a future together, I had known everything about his life. Since we’d found each other again, it felt like he’d grown into a different person. Deep inside, he was still my Brian, but so many things about him had changed. He reached out and put his hand on my knee. The comfort I got from that simple touch surprised me, and I wrapped my fingers around his. Friends could be affectionate; I saw that with Alex all the time.

“How did you end up with him?” he asked quietly, and I knew he meant Steven. We had finally come to that one question I was most ashamed to answer. He’d already asked me about the drugs. I’d explained to him that sometimes it was different drugs, but I really only did them when I was shooting or when Steven wanted to party. I didn’t use them all the time, even if they did make things easier. When I was high, it was easier to escape the horror of my life. I didn’t want to tell Brian how easily I had been manipulated or about the stupid choices I’d made. But he’d been honest with me, and I owed him the same.

“About three days after I left the center, after I’d talked to my mom and knew I had nowhere to go, I met this guy on the street named George. He was an older guy who had been on the street a long time, and while he didn’t exactly take care of me, he taught me how to survive. During the days, we’d scavenge the neighborhood for food, and at night, we’d find a bridge or alley for shelter. For weeks, he taught me how to steal food from outdoor cafés before they bussed the tables and how to hide when bangers came around to hassle us. George was a real good guy, ex-army. Anyway, one night we were coming up an alley behind a deli that always threw out their extra food around midnight when we heard a noise. He told me to stay behind the dumpster and went to check it out. It turned out to be a group of guys trying to rape a young woman. When George tried to help, they beat him to death in the alley. I watched from behind the dumpster, too scared to come out,” I told him, feeling the shame rise up in me all over again for hiding while George died alone. Brian, my brave Brian who had saved a young girl at the bus station, would never understand what kind of a coward I was.

“Oh my God, I heard about that!” His eyes were wide, and his breathing had gotten faster. “They called Leo, and we went to a nearby shelter to talk to them about it. I thought you might have been the one killed. I felt sick about it.” Brian pulled me to him then and held me for a long time. It felt like maybe he was trying to reassure himself that I’d survived and I was okay.

“Anyway, the next day I was cleaning up in a fast-food restroom. I remember I was crying. George’s murder had terrified me. If a guy as tough as George could be killed, I knew I didn’t stand a chance. I’d just washed out my shirt with the hand soap and was drying it under the hand dryer when Steven came in. He watched me as he went into the stall but didn’t say anything. When he came out, I was washing my upper body with the soap and a bit of paper towel. I was still crying as I dried off and reached for my dry shirt. He asked me if I was okay, and I just looked at him. I wasn’t okay, and I couldn’t think of any reason to lie to him. I don’t know what was wrong with me. My whole life, my mother had drilled into my head never to go with a stranger. But I was so scared, I didn’t know what else to do. All I could see was George’s dead eyes,” I said, shaking my head.

“Jamie, you were alone and terrified. You probably thought that whatever that ‘stranger’ wanted couldn’t have been as bad as being beaten to death in an alley. There weren’t a lot of options for you,” Brian said gently as he continued to hold me against him. “What happened then?”

“He said he would take me somewhere safe where I could eat and clean up. I thought he meant a shelter, but instead he took me home with him. Steven bought me clothes and fed me; I thought it was a dream come true. His parents were gone and he was all alone in the world, just like me. I believed all of it.” My face flushed, and I felt the burn of humiliation. “One night when I was upset about my parents, he gave me some coke and told me that it would make me feel better. He said it would make me forget about everything and just be happy. He was right, but then after a few weeks, he told me that I owed him for the drugs and I had to find a way to pay him back. At first, it was… it was just sex. I didn’t want to sleep with him, but I was terrified of being back on the street. After that he started charging me for rent and food. I got so far behind. I thought he would throw me out and I’d go back to eating out of dumpsters. But then he said he knew of someone that could help me get a job.” I snorted in disgust. “I was still so grateful that he wanted to help me. I thought he was talking about flipping burgers or something. I was so stupid. He took me to Nick, and everything went downhill from there.”

I could still remember that first solo, when I had to take off my clothes and bare my body for the cameras. The shame had overpowered everything else, even the E Steven had started me on. I had such a hard time getting an erection that it took sheer will and a long fantasy about Brian. Whenever I was hurt or scared, I always conjured an image of Brian in my head to be with me.

“Oh, baby,” Brian said and kissed me on the forehead. We sat in silence for several long minutes, and I tried not to think about just how bad things had gotten living with Steven. I had no doubt that one day he would lose control and kill me, but if I left, he would find me and hurt anyone I was with. I couldn’t afford to take that chance, so I had to stay.

Brian looked at his watch and then pulled away. “I have to go. My shoot with Em is coming up.” I tried not to let my stomach churn at the thought of Brian having sex with another guy, but it happened anyway.

“I know it’s selfish, but I don’t want you to go,” I told him with a shrug, and he kissed me lightly. My lips tingled from the contact, and I sighed.
Staying in the blue room forever seems like a much better option. I bet we can even get Alex and Mike to bring us food every now and then.

“Which room are you shooting in?” I asked out of idle curiosity. The soft curve of his lips distracted me, and I was thrilled to see that the dark shadows under his eyes had lessened.

“The green room,” he replied as he stood up. “You heading back downstairs?” My shoot had been early that morning. I’d been able to hang around to be with Brian because Steven wouldn’t be picking me up until later in the afternoon.

“Yeah, I guess. I would tell you to have fun, but…,” I half joked, and he chuckled under his breath.

“N
ICK
wants to have some kind of meeting. It should only be a few minutes,” I told Steven when he showed up later that afternoon. He looked tired and irritated, and I hoped filming for the day would finish soon so we could get out of there. I needed to get Steven home and fed before things turned ugly. “I could just have someone bring me home, if….” I stopped dead at the look on his face. Faint circles ringed his bloodshot eyes, and he hadn’t shaved, giving him an almost sinister appearance.

“I drove out here to get you. I’m sure as hell not wasting my time…,” he started, but before he could finish, Nick walked into the room and told us all to shut up. Steven sat in one of the plush leather chairs with his arms folded. Trying not to think about how it would make Brian feel, I sat in Steven’s lap and put an arm around his shoulders. I nuzzled lightly into his neck and felt him relax as he wrapped his arms around my waist.

He smelled like a combination of sweat, spice… and pot.

“I’ve decided to mix things up a little and do a location shoot in New Orleans. The subscribers need some variety, and I’m sick of shooting the same three rooms. We’ll promote it like a party and head down in a few weeks. With the limited schedule, I’m only taking the top-five most popular models and a couple others that I choose. I don’t want to hear any whining or bitching. If you want to be on the next shoot, figure out a way to bring up your rating. Okay, I’m going to call out your name. Tell me if you can go. Got it?” Nick asked, and everyone nodded. A quiet murmuring had broken out; some of the newer guys were excited about the idea of going to New Orleans for a week-long party.