Deviation (A Defined Series Book 1) (10 page)

   Over the next few days, we learn that Daniel has a case pending and the prosecutor tells me I might need to make another statement. The university hasn’t expelled Daniel and, right now, I don’t think I even care. I’m just overwhelmed and shaky. I can’t even think about my last semester and if he’ll still be on campus. Jack promises me I’ll be safe because he will make it happen and I believe him. Justice is not always what we envision it to be, so I’m prepared to let karma have her way with him instead. Whatever steely resolve I had is now floundering, and Jack is really the only thing keeping me grounded. I’m excused from taking my final exam, but I opt to go through with it. Daniel was a shitty tutor, but I still work hard to get through this class. Dean Andrews actually grades my exam and I pass it with an 81%. I’ll take it. I do my best to forget the worst parts of this semester, highlighted by probably the best thing in my life. Jack.

Jack
 

Edith has been pretty listless since Daniel attacked her. I feel like it is partly my fault for making him tutor her in the first place. The university is still investigating the matter but, technically, it happened off campus. I’m in contact with the prosecutor’s office daily, making a nuisance of myself until they ask me why I am so involved in the matter. Edie asked me to leave things alone, but I can’t. I will never forget the look on her face or the helplessness I felt. When the police took preliminary photos of her bruises, it lanced my eyes with a vision I never want to see again and they didn’t even see her the day after. Shelby came over and took photos with her digital camera the next day. The blank look in her eyes is one of the memories that pains me the most. I retained a lawyer, just in case things go further. I decide I’ll let her know if and when it’s necessary, but I don’t want her unprotected again. She has days when she smiles and I think things are okay; other days, she mopes around the house. It’s hard to express how proud I am of her and how much I admire her strength without getting choked up. Even on her worst days, she is a fighter. She passed all her exams and she has one semester left. I’m not sure what will happen after the Christmas holidays and she goes back to class. Her determination is a bit intimidating at times and I’m afraid to ask her.

   We move to the new house, just to get away from campus and give her some distance from things. The house feels new and safe, and I’ve installed a top notch security system, which I don’t even know how to really work. Edith read the manual and knows it better than I do. The first time I accidentally set it off, I thought she might have a panic attack, but she just smiled and calmly told me the disarm code. We laughed about it, and I joked about tattooing it on my body backwards so if I forget it, I can rip my shirt off and check in the hallway mirror to read it. Needless to say, Edith was against the idea.

   Shelby and Aiden stop by daily so she’s never alone. She sleeps in my bed, but I haven’t tried to be intimate with her because I’m afraid it will make things worse. Our days are spent with me working from home when I can, and holding her at night when she lets me. I’m still waiting for my brave girl to shatter and let me in. 

***

“Jack! Jack!” I hear Edith calling me.

   “Baby, what’s up?” I run from my office to the kitchen. She’s standing in front of the sink, looking out the window. “What is it?”

   “Snow, Jack,” she whispers.

   “Edie, it’s New Jersey. We get snow every winter,” I say gently. I’m confused, but I want to know where this is all leading in her sweet, complicated mind.

   “No, Jack. Really look at it. It’s making everything new.” Edith puts down the towel and pulls me to the back door, opening it and stepping outside, holding her hand into the icy flakes. Snowflakes are just covering the ground and I know that, by tomorrow, I’ll be shoveling our new driveway so we can get the cars out.

   “Edith, its freezing cold out here.
Have you lost your mind?”
She doesn’t have a jacket on and she’s still wearing those damn flip flops. The cold air is crisp and biting, and she wants to stand on the porch, looking out into the backyard.

   “No, Jack. I think it’s just waking up.” She turns in my arms and hugs me tightly. I don’t have a clue what she’s talking about, but feeling her skinny arms wrap around my chest makes my heart swell. It must be the fucking cold that’s stinging my eyes as I breathe her in and squeeze her back.

   “God, I’ve missed you, Edith. I love you so much.” I kiss the top of her head, hoping and praying this is real.

   “I’m not going anywhere, Jack Hamilton. I’m finally home,” Edith whispers in my ear. I know we’re slowly moving past whatever hurdles we’ve had. Doesn’t mean life is perfect, but we’re working on it.

   “Sure took you long enough, babe,” I tease her and she pinches my stomach, letting me know we’re all right. She hasn’t said she loves me, but she’s not ready for that yet. I can wait. Statistically speaking, we’re probably better off than most couples at this point, and I’m willing to bet we’re going to do just fine.

Chapter Eleven

Edith

              Jack holds me tightly on the porch, the snow gently falling around us. Thick columns of wood support the roof rising from the foundation. I love this house. His arms feel strong and warm, comforting. Watching the snow falling sharpens my senses somehow. Through the thin rubber flip flops, I can feel the cold burning the bottom of my feet. The greens and burnt oranges are coated with white snow, fresh and untainted. The vice grip around my chest seems to have lessened momentarily and I can breathe with ease…for now. As much as I know Jack loves me, my own words choke me. How badly I want to say them back to him, to see his eyes light up with joy, but just when I think I can get the one syllable word out of my mouth, the grip on my chest screws tighter and the words fall silent.

              Growing up, my parents said “I love you” a lot, but they also said a lot of other hurtful and degrading things. “Stupid”. “Worthless”. “Whore”. My fucked up brain knows Jack is nothing like them, but the anxiety of being let down is there, lingering like a darkening shadow. Time seems to have been moving in slow motion these past few weeks. Between the anxiety and never wanting to get out of bed, I can’t really tell. As much as I think Jack hopes I’m getting better, I’m not.

Not.

At.

All.

In fact, if I had to catalog these feelings, I would say the darkness is more overwhelming. I don’t know if Daniel’s attack flipped some switch in my brain, but between the good days and the utterly horrible ones, I feel like I have a constant case of whiplash. 

              “Babe, you sure you’re okay?” Jack kisses my forehead, squeezing me tight against his strong, warm chest.

              “Of course. Better every day.” I force my lips to crack a small smile when, in reality, all I want to do is run back inside the house, run up the stairs to the bedroom, and crawl underneath our bed to hide from all the demons chasing me.

              “Honestly, babe?” Jack wipes a tear from my cheek and I sniff.

              “Oh, pfft.” I try brushing him off, but it doesn’t work. He knows me better than I know myself…and that’s frightening. “The cold is just making my eyes water.”

Jack cocks his head and gives me a strange look. I know he can tell something is up, so I stick to my charade and pinch his flat stomach again. Poor man probably has a trail of love bruises up and down his stomach from me. 

              “I want to keep holding you like this, but I’m freezing my ass off. Let’s go inside. I don’t want you to get sick after everything.”

Jack pulls me inside and leads me into the living room, setting me down on a new couch I have yet to feel comfortable on. The cushions are too stiff and smell of plastic. I miss my old couch, but Jack refused to let the movers bring it, so it sadly sat on my street overnight until another family shoved it into their pickup and drove away. I love…
loved
that fucking couch. It was a steal, but it was mine. This new one is some pinky-orange-neutral Pottery Barn monstrosity Jack picked out online when I wouldn’t let him buy the ridiculous leather sectional. I’m pretty sure this one cost him twice as much, but he never once batted an eye at the price.

              “Happy now? I’m inside, safe and sound.” Sulking, I curl up on the couch, looking up at him.

              “Not yet, Edith.” Jack drags a throw blanket over me and wraps it around my shoulders, neck, and legs. “How about I make something to drink and order in? We can watch a movie and relax.” Jack brushes my hair back from my forehead. The gesture is both sweet and suffocating, but I have no idea how to appropriately express that, so I just sit there and nod. I’m learning to pick my battles with this man.

              As soon as he leaves the room and I hear him on the phone, I scowl and toss the blanket off me. I’m too warm. Maybe I am coming down with something. I don’t know. I feel itchy, agitated. Cue the guilt complex because I know I’m just being a bitch towards my loving boyfriend.

Jack pops his head back in. “Sesame chicken, babe? Wonton, barbeque spare ribs?”

“Sure. It’s all fine.” When he frowns, I pretend to adjust the blanket until he pops back into the kitchen. Yup. Everything is fucking peachy, just like this couch’s description in that overpriced blasted catalog. I pick at a piece of fuzz on the couch as a rage slowly simmers inside me. It’s not Jack I’m upset with, but he’s the easiest outlet for my anger. If I could identify the true source, I could attack it, flush it out, and move on from this strange limbo my brain and heart seem to be in right now.

“Delivery in twenty minutes.” Jack strides back into the living room and sits down next to me, my skin itching from his proximity.
What is
wrong
with me?
my mind screams, but a serene plastic expression covers my face. Jack puts his arm around me, and it takes everything inside me not to push him away. I love Jack and want him to touch me. At the same time, I want to burn every inch of my skin from the memory of Daniel’s hands on me. The things he called me, the things my brain has blocked out from that afternoon…

“I can’t wait. I’m starved.” Leaning into him, I try my best not to freak out. Jack traces a line from my shoulder to my elbow, igniting a shivery spark. I hadn’t felt much of one since Daniel’s attack. If only my brain would shut itself down.

“Me, too,” Jack says, and I know he’s not talking about food. His palm cups my cheek and I close my eyes, breathing deeply. How I could not want this man after all his care and gentleness is beyond me. I want what we had before. I’ll do anything to get that back.

Jack

              Edith is still uneasy with me. As much as she masks it, I can tell she’s holding back. I don’t know what kind of misplaced guilt or shame she’s feeling, but if I could kill Daniel Munson and get away with it, I would. My beautiful girl is a mess inside that head of hers, and I’m helpless to assist her in sorting it out. I consider asking her to see a therapist, but I’m afraid she’ll go ballistic on me. One crying fit was all I could handle after the police questioned her and she fell apart. I wanted them to call a doctor to sedate her, but they wanted their fucking statement first. Then I found out the prosecutor didn’t have enough evidence to lock Daniel up forever, and the university could only do so much… Well, I was fucking livid. I forced Edith to file a No Contact order for her protection, but a piece of paper isn’t a guarantee that Danny boy will behave himself. If all I’m going to get from her is placating statements and holding her like this, I’m going to go crazy.

              When the doorbell rings, I sigh. “I’ll get it, sweetheart. Stay here.” I ease myself up, hurt that I can feel she’s slightly relieved I’ve let her go. I grab our dinner and bring it into the kitchen, placing everything on a tray to bring in to her. Using my foot, I push the coffee table closer, then put everything down and open up the boxes.

              Edith grabs a box and stuffs a piece of chicken in her mouth. “This is really good. I can’t remember the last time I had Chinese food like this.” 

              “New place just opened up. I thought we could try it.” I shrug and figure this is my in. “Speaking of new things…”

Edith looks up at me in mid-bite of a baby corn, her lips wrapping around and snapping it off in a clean bite. It’s seductive. She licks the juice from her lips and slowly chews. “Okay… New is good.”

              “I think we should go to Miami for Christmas. Get out of town and spend time away from…” I wave my hand around, “all of this.” I watch Edith put her carton of food down and lick her lips.

              “Away could be good… Like you said, a change.” Edith leans in and kisses me on my cheek. Her lips are cool, but I don’t know if it’s forced or real. I’m pissed, but I don’t know how to ask her because it’s not
her
I’m mad at.

              “We can spend time on the beach, shop, do whatever you want.” I cup her cheek and kiss her. She goes along with it, but doesn’t open her mouth to me, so I don’t push her further.

              She peppers tiny kisses all over my face, giving me hope. “Okay. Yes, let’s go. You can’t take away my flip flops in Florida.” Edith runs her hands through my hair and I smile. It’s the first cheeky thing my girl has said since this whole nightmare began.