Deviations: Submission (21 page)

"I want to control what you feel," Tobias said firmly. He walked around Noah slowly, pacing himself and deliberately hardening his tone of voice. "I want to know what your senses are telling you, I want to know without a doubt what you're experiencing. I will be in charge. If you're holding out then it doesn't matter who's topping you, all that matters is that someone is hitting you. And I won't be that. You and I are past that, boy, and it's not a game. You're mine, and I'm your Master, and I will have your honest submission. Are we clear?"

"Yes sir, we're clear," Noah answered more quickly, and much more confidently.

"Good." Tobias stopped walking when he was behind Noah and touched his shoulder. "We'll be fine, sweetheart. But right now we have another issue to think about. What happened today will not happen again. To reinforce the lesson, there will be punishment tonight. So you've earned yourself an hour facing the corner so you can think. I have a few things to take care of, but I'll leave a timer. When it goes off you may leave the corner, but not the room. When I come back, you will tell 186

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me how many strokes you're owed, and what your new perspective on submission is."

Noah reached up and touched Tobias' fingers with his own.

"Yes, sir. I'll think about it carefully, sir," he assured Tobias before letting his hand fall back into his lap.

Tobias nodded. "Corner, then. You have an hour."

Noah rose carefully and went to the corner, going naturally into a display pose while he looked at the wall. Tobias found the timer in the cabinet and set it for an hour, turning the dial slowly. "This will likely scare the crap out of you when it goes off, and I apologize for that-I keep forgetting to replace it."

He set it down on the chair, hoping the cushion would muffle the bell a little. "I'll be back later," he said softly, then turned and left the room quietly.

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Chapter 18

The house was eerily silent as he went down the stairs-he hadn't noticed it before. There wasn't even a creak of the floorboards as he went into his office and opened the very bottom drawer, reaching to the back for his stash of cigarettes. They were dry again, he noted clinically. Not unusual, since he usually only had about three out of a pack before they were too old and had to be thrown away.

However ... this was his second cigarette in as many weeks and that wasn't good.

He stared at the one in his hand and debated not having it all, but he knew that the only reason he was even considering it was because of the frequency, not from any real fear he'd become addicted again-once an addict, always an addict, even if it was only cigarettes. No, this was merely one addiction he'd beaten down to an acceptable level.

Tobias suddenly realized he'd been contemplating whether or not to smoke it for longer than actually smoking it would take; he rolled his eyes at himself and grabbed his lighter. On the way out of the house he picked up the portable phone from its cradle in the hall and hit six on the speed dial.

"Yo." Phan sounded sleepy.

"That's better than yellow," Tobias said easily, stomping down the stairs, the cigarette tucked between his lips.

"Uh huh. Hey, how are you?"

"Great." He paused halfway to his truck and lit the cigarette. "Can I see you Wednesday night?"

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There was a long silence, which Tobias filled by walking to the truck and climbing into the bed. He sat with his back to the cab and smoked, watching as the plumes drifted off and vanished.

"It's ... not quite four o'clock on a Saturday. You're smoking, and I thought your boy was going to be at the farm this weekend," Phan said carefully. "What happened?"

Tobias took another drag off the cigarette. Part of him wanted to tell Phan, part of him just wanted to talk about it and have someone give him a new perspective. But most of him knew he couldn't. "None of your business, baby," he said finally, regretfully.

"Then no, I can't see you on Wednesday." Phan's voice was soft too, sad. "Can't help if I don't know."

Tobias sighed. "I know. I'm sorry."

"Are you okay?"

Tobias thought about it for a moment and looked at his cigarette. "Not so much. But I will be."

"Is it worth it?" Phan asked, and then immediately said,

"I'm sorry. God, Tobias, forget I said that, please."

"Don't worry about it," Tobias said, knowing he'd have to push the question away again and again over the next few days. Unbidden, he was suddenly awash with memories he'd thought he'd dealt with: him telling Phan that of course it was worth it as they packed the last of Phan's things. The first time Phan had used his safe words with him, and the anger they'd both had about it. The second time, when he couldn't stop because to stop would mean living a lie. "Jesus," he gasped. "Phan, I need you."

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"On my way." The phone went dead and Tobias swore, hit six again and threw the cigarette away.

"What?" Phan demanded, out of breath. "I said—"

"Don't come!" Tobias begged. "I'm sorry, I just ... God, Phan, you can't come here. Not now. Meet me on Wednesday, my place?"

"Will you tell me what happened?"

Tobias sighed. "Yes."

"All right."

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Chapter 19

He smoked two more cigarettes and finally went in, stopping in the kitchen to drink a glass of water before going upstairs. By his watch he'd been gone just over an hour and a half, so he didn't waste a lot of time, just brushed his teeth and tried to get the horrid smell of smoke off of him before he went in the safe room.

Noah had his arms crossed and a shoulder braced against the window as he looked out over the property. He was very still and relaxed. The light from the window washed over his slightly rumpled hair and his slightly rumpled t-shirt, making him look young. He appeared to be lost in thoughts until he heard Tobias enter the room, and then he turned to face Tobias in his display position and silently lowered his eyes to the floor.

"Feeling better?" Tobias asked softly. He was taken aback by how beautiful Noah looked, how sweet he could be. It was a little disturbing, the way he wanted to reach out and draw him closer.

Noah smiled. "Yes, sir, very much so. Are you?"

"I'm fine," Tobias said smoothly. "Now, tell me about submission." He crossed to his chair and sat, leaning back expectantly. He was more than a little interested to know what Noah had been thinking; if nothing else, it would help his own thoughts to settle, to find direction.

"It's hard to know exactly where to start, sir," Noah admitted. He licked his lips and squinted, and then went on.

"Being your sub, I really only have one responsibility to you.

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It's my duty to please you, sir. We have discussed in detail what this means to you, and it's also spelled out clearly by our contract. I understand that it means putting your needs ahead of mine, but harder than that, it means rearranging my thinking so that when I do need to think about myself, it is in terms of you, and your pleasure, not my ego."

Noah shifted his feet slightly and looked a little more nervous about what he was about to say next. "I was thinking about myself. I wasn't thinking about you first. It's a pretty simple distinction, and I overlooked it completely. I was focused all wrong, totally inward, paying attention to the pain and working through it. I thought at the time that it would please you if I kept it together, if I let you flog me until you had had enough. It's the same mistake I made before ...

while the pain is meant to help me focus, it's not about me, it's about you. That's where I went wrong. It's not about how long I can hold out-as you said-it's about you knowing what each sting of your whip does to me. You need to know how I'm feeling because that is something you are to have control over, not me. I was, just like you said, I was playing a game with myself. I wasn't in the moment. I was thinking more about when it was going to be over than how I felt as it was happening."

He cleared his throat. "Also, I chose not to use my safe words. Before I signed our contract, it had been a measure of pride for me to say that I didn't need them, never used them, and pride of that nature is not something a sub needs. Pride in my work, in how well I please my master, yes, but not in how well I can stand up to you. That's not only unnecessary 192

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with you but it's also insulting, and I want to apologize, sir.

We are past that, I know. I didn't see it this way before. I didn't understand it at all. It's a bad habit I've gotten into since Brett and I split up, and I want to let it go. I'll do my best to let it go."

Noah swallowed and fell silent, but Tobias watched him worry his lip again and knew that he was nervous about his Master's response.

Tobias tilted his head and let the moment draw out a little before relenting. "Do you want me to take you out of yourself? Do you seriously want to take this journey? Because it won't be easy-but you're making a decent start, right now."

Noah dropped his head forward and sighed as his shoulders slumped along with it. "Yes. Yes, sir." He shook his head. "I didn't mean to make you doubt me." He stepped forward suddenly and knelt at Tobias' feet. "No one has ever made me work this hard. I haven't even considered trusting anyone as much as I trust you already. I need this, I need you, Master. Please don't doubt me."

Tobias winced. "I don't doubt you, sweetheart," he confessed. He demanded honesty, he reminded himself, and could do no less than give it back. "I doubt myself. I'm sorry, Noah."

"I..." Noah started to speak and then stopped himself, cleared his throat, and started again. "You had every right to expect me to use my words, sir."

"Yes. I did." Tobias sighed and stood up, one hand stroking Noah's hair. "How many strokes did you decide?"

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Noah straightened up. He seemed to have thought this answer through just as carefully, and he spoke slowly. "One for breaking my contractual duty to please you, one for not using my safe words, one for misplaced pride, one for worrying you needlessly, one for insulting you, and ... one, at least, for not putting your needs ahead of mine? I'm not sure if one is enough, sir."

Tobias smiled, impressed despite himself. He'd expected a somewhat random number, not this neat ordering of Noah's errors. "I think one will do in this case, as the effect of it led to the others. Six in total seems reasonable to me." He ruffled Noah's hair and added, "Let's hope you don't add to it by bedtime, yes?"

"I think right now I should just concentrate on not poisoning you with dinner, sir." Noah grinned. He seemed to be trying to lighten the mood a bit, and appeared to be much more relaxed now.

"You'll do fine, pet. I'm sure of it." On impulse, Tobias bent and kissed his boy on the mouth, parting surprised lips easily.

He didn't linger, merely made himself at home and tasted what was his. "Shoo. Go make supper, and then we can play a little. Tomorrow will be mostly outdoor chores, I'm afraid.

Enjoy what you can of tonight."

Tobias partly hid his grin as Noah froze a moment, disoriented in the wake of his kiss. The element of surprise had many uses. Noah got to his feet with an adorably silly smile on his lips. "Yes, sir. Thank you, sir. I'll let you know when dinner is ready." He took a couple of measured steps out of the room and then hurried down the stairs.

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Chapter 20

Tuesday Tobias' pager went off when he was at the office.

He reached for the phone, already set to dial Noah's cell phone, when he looked at the display and saw Phan's number, followed by a 411.

Frowning, he punched in the number and closed his door, letting Deidre deal with the rather disgruntled farmer currently berating Sally about something. In his ear, Phan's phone was ringing.

"Phantom Shaw."

"It's me."

"Oh, hey. Still need me tomorrow night? 'Cause I got a thing, and I figure you're over your panic now and you didn't call me back and whoa! Not that one, put it back. Thanks, man. Anyway, Tobias?"

"Here." Tobias sighed and rubbed his eyes, suddenly tired.

"So, need me?"

"Always."

"Not funny."

There was a long, tense pause and they both sighed.

"No, Phan. If you have something to do, I don't need to see you."

"But you want to."

"Yes. Aside from your little act at the club I haven't see you in over a month. I miss you."

Phan sighed again. "All right. I'll be 'round about ten."

Tobias raised an eyebrow. "Ten?"

"Got a—"

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"-thing, yes, I know."

"It's not like that," Phan said, sounding uncomfortable, almost embarrassed. "It's a ... well, it's a party. For the girl downstairs."

Tobias thought for a moment and finally said, "I give up.

What girl downstairs?"

"Tom's girl."

"Tom's girl is eight. Oh my God, you're chaperoning a birthday party."

"Shut up."

Tobias laughed softly. "How long have you waited to tell me that?"

"Not long enough-it's oddly unsatisfying to say it over something like this and not a lecture."

Tobias grinned. "Have fun at your party, brat."

"Yes, sir."

* * * *

"Tobias?"

"Right here." He was lying on the couch in the living room, looking out at the city lights. It was a far different view than anything he'd find at the farm and only served to distance him from what he was doing with Noah. He was fairly sure he disliked it. "How was the party?" he asked as he sat up.