Diablo Blanco Club: Unfair Advantage (25 page)

“So.” Lyssa smiled at Mattie as she set the teakettle on the burner and switched on the stove. “How’s married life?”

Mattie watched her sister move around the kitchen, not sure how to respond. She could be honest and say the sex was incredible and nonstop, but she didn’t think her sister wanted to hear that. “I’ve only been married a little over two months, Lys. There hasn’t been time for the honeymoon to end.”

“Bullshit.” Lys snorted, setting the box of cookies on the table. The chocolate and marshmallow confections were Mattie’s favorite, and Lys always kept them on hand for her. “You’ve been to the Club at least twice a week since just after your wedding.”

Mattie swallowed the bite of cookie and watched her sister carefully. “How would you know?”

“Let’s just say a little bird told me.”

“Do you mean a nosy brother-in-law?” Mattie teased, still curious as to what had happened that first night she’d talked Lys into going to the Diablo Blanco Club and her sister had ended up with Mike.

“No.” Lys shook her head vigorously and hurried to the stove as the kettle began to whistle. “I’ve run into a couple of Club members, here and there. And I found out a certain bartender lives in the house three doors down.”

Mattie could tell Lyssa wasn’t quite telling the truth, but she wasn’t about to call her on it. “Okay, so you know Bryce has taken me to the Club.”

“And?”

“And what?” Mattie fingered the handle of her cup wondering just how much information Lys had wormed out of her contacts. It wasn’t that she was ashamed of her time at the Club, she just wasn’t sure how Lys would take finding out about some of the things she’d done there.

“Are you feeling pressured to go?” Lys asked as she set the steaming teapot on the table between them.

Mattie took a moment to think about it. “No.” Taking care to pour the hot tea into her cup and then Lyssa’s, Mattie continued, “I like the Club, Lys. No one pretends to be someone they aren’t there.”

“And you? Do you enjoy being on display?” Lyssa sipped her tea, her blue eyes steady as she watched Mattie.

Mattie didn’t turn away. In the weeks she’d been married to Bryce, she’d discovered things about herself that she’d never suspected. “It’s not what you think, Lys.” She leaned back in her chair, her cup cradled between her palms. “The first night Bryce took me to the Club, all we did was talk to and watch some of the other members.”

“Like that sexy Santa and his private eye friend?” Lyssa waggled her eyebrows.

She couldn’t hold back her laughter. “No, Dayton and David weren’t there the first night, but they have been there together and individually several times since.”

“And have they watched you?”

That was a harder question to answer. “I don’t know.”

“You don’t know?”

“How do I explain this?” Mattie wondered aloud. “When I’m with Bryce, nothing exists but him. Everything else blurs around me. I don’t know any other way to explain it.”

A fleeting look passed over her sister’s face, giving Mattie the impression that in some way, Lyssa knew exactly what she meant. “What about being tied up or spanked?” her sister asked. “Do you enjoy that aspect as well?”

This time Mattie didn’t have to think about her answer. “I love it, Lys.”

The older woman choked on the sip of tea. Setting the cup down, she coughed and sputtered for a moment before Mattie took pity on her and stopped laughing. “You are twisted, little sister.”

“No”—Mattie grinned—“I’ve just learned that it can be very freeing to have someone else call the shots. That it’s okay not to be in control as long as you trust the person who is.”

“And you trust your husband?”

Mattie nodded.

“But you still don’t have a collar?”

The fingers rubbing along the base of her throat stilled, as Mattie realized she’d once again reached for the missing object. “No.” She slowly lowered her hand to cradle her cup, but she didn’t drop her gaze. “He hasn’t mentioned it yet.”

“And have you talked to him about it?”

Again she shook her head, but Mattie wasn’t sure just what Lyssa wanted to hear. “I don’t want to have to ask for it, Lyssa.”

“What? Are you trying to earn it or something?”

Setting her cup aside, Mattie stood up from the table and paced toward the door leading out to the screened-in porch. “I don’t know.” Not wanting to see her sister’s expression, especially since she feared it could hold a measure of pity Mattie didn’t want to experience, she continued staring out the window set into the door. “I have a feeling Bryce never really expected me to indulge his dominance as much as I am. I told him when he first proposed I was curious about bondage, but I think he’s just waiting for me to voice the safe word.”

“And if you use this safe word, what do you think he’s going to do? Leave you? Go to another woman?” Lyssa sounded worried.

Shoving her hands deep into the pockets of her jeans, Mattie shrugged. “I keep hearing this little voice in my head telling me that he isn’t serious. That he’s just waiting for me to say the word so he can tell me ‘I knew you couldn’t handle this’ or ‘Why don’t you go back to playing pretend and let a real woman take over.’”

“Mat, I don’t—”

“It’s the only thing that makes sense, Lys.” Turning, Mattie met her sister’s concerned gaze and didn’t attempt to hide the tears streaking her cheeks. “Jacob’s retirement party was weeks ago. He’s had plenty of opportunity to present me with his collar, but he hasn’t.”

“Are you still worrying about what happened at Jacob’s party?” Lyssa asked.

“Yes,” Mattie admitted. Just thinking about the painful confrontations from that night had her stomach churning.

“Now you’re letting what Charlene said—”

“Tell me you wouldn’t be just as upset to have some skinny, redheaded model slobbering all over your husband and flaunting the diamond collar he gave her last year. Then to have her laugh about how I don’t measure up to her. To
her!
You’re damn right I’m letting what Charlene said get to me. She has his fucking collar and I don’t!” Brushing at the tears soaking her face, she continued, “Add to that Frieda and her snide little comments about me being ‘not their kind,’ it makes me sick. And think that maybe they’re both right.”

“Don’t pay them any mind.”

Mattie nodded, but she didn’t feel convinced. “I tell myself they’re wrong. That Bryce is satisfied with me. I just have to stop to remind myself to give it time.”

“So give it time,” Lyssa encouraged.

“I want to. I try to.” Mattie turned back to the view of Lyssa’s backyard, her arms crossed over her stomach. “But the longer he goes without saying anything, the larger my doubts become.”

“Until he says otherwise—” Lyssa began.

“I don’t think he will.” The laugh she gave sounded more despaired than amused. “Hell, it could be years before he’d ever admit our marriage was a mistake.”

“Now you’re being ridiculous,” Lyssa snapped. “When you first told me about his proposal, I was worried you might end up hurt. But I’ve watched the two of you together. Seen how he acts around you. If he doesn’t love you the way you love him, he at least cares about you.”

“Yes, he does,” Mattie admitted, though that niggling voice in the back of her mind taunted her that caring didn’t equal love.

“So what’s the problem?”

“I want more,” Mattie declared. “I mean, I thought I could handle the situation if he could see me as his submissive. But now that I’m actually involved, I’m finding I want more.”

“You’ll always want more,” Lyssa warned her. A shadow hovered in her blue eyes, and she rubbed her stomach. “It’s the nature of being in love, Mat. You want what’s best for the person you love, but you also want them to feel the same way about you.”

Leaning against the door frame, Mattie shook her head. “Every time we make love, I have to stop myself from telling him how I feel. I keep thinking about the reasons why he chose to marry me, and I wonder if he’ll ever be able to care about me, beyond just being his lover.”

“And how will getting his collar help? What would it mean beyond him staking his claim on you?” Her sister motioned to the platinum rings on Mattie’s hand. “You’re already wearing his rings. Aren’t those proof enough?”

Mattie traced the edges of her engagement ring, her eyes drawn to the threads of fiery red and iridescent blue flashing in the black stone. “It should be, but I need something more.”

“
You
need?”

“Yes, me,” she declared, crossing her arms over her chest. “I love the damned man and have loved him for years. If he can’t love me, he can at least show the other members of the Club that I belong to him. He can at least show me that he values me.”

“Is that what you think his giving you a collar would mean?”

Mattie nodded. “For me, that’s what it means.” Shaking her head, she returned to the table. “Why can’t the blasted man see that?”

Smiling, Lyssa reached out to pat her hand. “Because, sister dearest, he’s a man. Clear, concise explanations are best.” Pulling her hand back, she cradled her cup in both hands. “Tell him what you want.”

“No.” Mattie shook her head. “I want him to give it to me on his own. It has to be his decision.”

“And you’re afraid he’ll never make that decision?”

Reluctantly, she nodded. “Yes, I am. I want him to recognize my worth and show me that he sees it.”

“By having him give you some bit of bling like every other woman he’s slept with?”

“Not every woman. Just those he considered capable of meeting his needs as a Dominant.” Finishing her tea, she added, “I already have his respect in the workplace. What I’d like is for him to trust me to be able to fulfill him sexually.”

“And getting him to give you a collar will do that?”

“To me, yes.”

“So make him give it to you. You made him accept you as his submissive, right?”

Mattie nodded.

“Okay, so make him see collaring you is the best way to keep you both satisfied.”

“How do I do that?”

Lyssa groaned. “How the hell should I know, Mat? You’re the one doing the freaky-deaky, kinky stuff with him; you figure it out. I don’t think he’ll do it…”

“Why not?”

Lyssa rolled her eyes and rose to put her cup in the sink. “Because I think he already thinks he’s got you tagged as his.” Motioning to her rings, she snorted. “The second he put those on you, he was warning every other man around to stay back.”

“It isn’t that simple.”

“I bet it is.” Leaning against the sink, she grinned. “In fact, I’ll bet you that he won’t give you his collar because he already considers you marked.”

“And if I can get him to give me his collar?” She knew this was Lyssa’s way of getting her to face her fears and see that they were unfounded. Much as she appreciated making a contest of getting Bryce to give her a collar, some part of her still worried that her husband didn’t consider her capable of sustaining the role as his submissive.

“If you can get him to give you his collar, great. You win. But if he doesn’t give you his collar, without you asking for it, you have to leave.”

“What?”

“You heard me. Leave. Divorce his ass and walk away.”

“Are you nuts?” Mattie snapped. “I tell you how much I love this guy and what I wouldn’t give to have him love me back, and you tell me that if I can’t get him to recognize me as his slave, I’m just supposed to walk away?”

“Yes.”

When she stepped toward her, Mattie nearly turned away, but when her sister cupped her cheeks in her hands, Mattie couldn’t look away from the caring and concern in her blue eyes.

“I love you, Mat. And I know that if you stay after trying so hard to get him to give you this one little thing, it’s going to eat away at you. Every minute of every day, you’ll be dwelling on what you did wrong. What you could have done to change his mind. And why just you and how much you love him weren’t enough to get him to see what was right in front of him.” Pressing her forehead to her sister’s, she continued, “I don’t want you doing that. I want you living your life, not withering away like Mom did. If you can’t get him to give you his collar, swear to me you will leave. Get a divorce. Find a job somewhere else. But don’t stick around here and dwell on what you couldn’t have.”

Wrapping her arms around her, Mattie hugged Lyssa tight. “Do you still have the dreams?” She felt Lyssa tense against her, then nod. “They’ve been getting worse.” She rested her head on Lyssa’s shoulder. “I keep hearing Daddy calling me names. Telling me I’ll end up a whore just like her.”

“Don’t, Mat.” Lyssa squeezed her. “He was crazy. Sick. Nothing he said was true.”

“But I look like her. Don’t I?”

Lyssa cupped her cheeks again and smiled. “Yeah. You look just like Mama.”

“Do you hate that I let you take the blame—”

“Hush.” Lyssa cut her off. “I didn’t blame you then, and I don’t blame you now, Mattie. So just hush. I want you to be happy, Mat. You know that, right?”

“Yes.”

Pushing a loose strand of blonde hair behind her ear, Lyssa asked, “Do you think I could be like Dad?”

Mattie shook her head and gripped Lyssa’s hands tight. “Never, Lys.”

“I look like him, Mat. If I had a baby, I could end up hurting it just like he did us.”

“No. Lyssa, you could never hurt anyone. You could never be like him.”

“But I would hurt you. By making you leave Bryce if he didn’t give you his collar, I’d be hurting you.”

“No, you’d be protecting me. Just like you always have.” Mattie didn’t doubt her answer, and the disquiet acknowledging how right Lyssa was made her stomach churn. Thoughts of actually leaving Bryce had her shivering. “I really hate that I can’t hate you, Lys.”

Lyssa squeezed back, then let go. “Yeah. Kinda sucks when the big sister is right and you have to admit it, huh?”

Mattie nodded, wiping at the tears on her cheeks. “Yup.” Taking a deep breath, she collected her cup and the teapot from the table. She really needed to lighten the atmosphere before the tears started up again. “Okay, you want me to divorce Bryce and leave San Diablo if I can’t get him to give me his collar.”

Lyssa nodded. “It would be for the best.”