Diamond Spirit (3 page)

‘Sorry. I’m really happy for you,’ said Jess. ‘You’ll be a vet . . . with a stethoscope and long latex gloves.’ She wiped at her eyes and tried to laugh. ‘But you’re leaving me, and Diamond’s hurt, and I think she’s going to die.’

‘What?’ Shara’s face dropped. ‘When? Where? What are you talking about?’

Jess led her to the stable and told her everything. Shara was unusually quiet as Jess ran her finger over the front of Diamond’s bandages, showing where the cuts were. ‘I don’t know how she got down there. She was miles from her paddock. And she must have been galloping. Why would she be galloping? Something must have been chasing her.’

Shara seemed dumbstruck. She stood staring at Diamond’s bandages with a remote look on her face.

‘How do you reckon she got out?’ asked Jess.

‘I don’t know,’ shrugged Shara.

They both stood there, staring at Diamond. The little horse, usually so full of cheek and personality, stood listlessly, her head low, eyes half shut.

‘She’ll be okay,’ said Shara finally. ‘Ponies are tough. Look, she’s putting weight evenly on both legs. I’ve seen some pretty bad cuts and they always heal in the end. We can find you another horse to ride in the holidays.’

‘I don’t want to ride another horse,’ said Jess. ‘This isn’t about riding. This is about Diamond. You should have seen how much pain she was in before John gave her a needle. She could hardly stand.’

Shara ran her hand along Diamond’s neck. ‘You’ll be amazed at how quickly she heals, though. She’ll be fine.’

‘John took X-rays. He’s going to ring me when he gets the results. Her legs might be—’ It was all Jess could bring herself to say.

‘He would have put her down straight away if her bones were broken. You’re worrying about nothing, Jess.’

‘I knew I shouldn’t have put her down on the river flats,’ Jess moaned. She heard Shara inhale and instantly regretted saying it. ‘I know you thought it was a good idea, but . . .’

‘How was I to know she’d push through the fence? Most horses don’t do that.’

‘Diamond doesn’t push through fences.’

‘I knew you’d think that.’

‘Think what?’ asked Jess. Why was Shara being so weird?

‘Nothing.’

‘Think
what
, Shara?’

‘
Nothing
, I said. Don’t worry about it.’

‘I’m not blaming you,’ said Jess. ‘You’re right; the hotwire should have kept her in. I just can’t understand how she got through three strands of electric fencing. It was all over the place, like something had galloped through it. The whole thing just doesn’t make sense.’

‘Maybe it was wild dogs. They hunt in packs.’

‘A dog wouldn’t pull an electric fence down.’

‘Probably not,’ agreed Shara. ‘Listen, I gotta go. I have to study for that exam.’

‘But you just got here!’

Shara looked uncomfortable. ‘Sorry, I guess I’m a bit caught up about Canningdale. But I know she’ll be all right. John’s one of the best vets in the country. He’ll fix her. We’ll be riding again in no time.’

Jess forced a smile. ‘Good luck on Wednesday!’

‘Besties?’

‘Besties.’

Shara had barely disappeared from the driveway when the phone in the shed rang. Jess raced to pick it up. ‘Hello?’

‘Jess.’ John’s voice was soft and gentle – more so than usual.

It’s bad.

‘What . . .’ Tears welled up inside her. ‘What did they show?’

‘There are more than a dozen bone fragments chipped off her pastern joints. Her legs are buggered, Jess.’

Jess felt the air squeeze out of her lungs.

‘We’re going to have to make some tough decisions, matey.’

Jess breathed in and wiped at her eyes. ‘I thought horses couldn’t walk if they broke their legs.’

‘She
can’t
walk,’ said John. ‘Without painkillers, she can barely stand.’

‘But . . . so what are we going to do?’ Surely there was
something
he could do. This was Diamond they were talking about. Not some racehorse that had gone down on the track. She didn’t care if she never rode Diamond again, she just wanted her fixed. She waited for John’s answer.

He sighed heavily. ‘I could try to save her. I could operate on her, but there’d be no guarantees. She would have to live on drugs for the rest of her life. That would give her stomach ulcers . . .’ He trailed off.

‘Will she ever stop being in pain?’

‘I don’t think so.’

Jess went mute as she struggled to comprehend.

‘How about I go and have another look at the X-rays,’ said John, ‘and think about what sort of surgery might be possible. I’ll come over—’ he paused, as though flipping through a diary, ‘—and we’ll sit down with your parents and have a proper talk about it. I have surgery on Monday and Tuesday, but I could come over on Wednesday.’

Jess stared at the shed wall, numb.

‘How does that sound?’

She nodded and put down the phone.

4

WEDNESDAY CAME.
Jess had already made her decision. She sat out in the paddock with her elbows on her knees, forcing herself to breathe evenly. The springtime smells of freshly cut pasture and wattle flowers, mixed with horse, wafted up her nostrils and a tractor spluttered somewhere across the valley. She closed her eyes, savouring the warmth of the early-morning sun on her face. It seemed all wrong that it could be such a beautiful day.

Beside her, Diamond grazed on the soft new grass.
Rip
,
rip
,
chew
– it was a familiar sound that helped Jess feel calm. The pony nibbled closer and closer until she was snuffling at Jess’s lap. She smiled and rubbed the pony’s forehead. ‘Diamond.’ She put her face against the pony’s cheek. ‘I love you so much, little girl.’

She glanced at her watch: half an hour to go.

Diamond shifted her weight from one bandaged leg to the other and closed her eyes to chew, as though she too just wanted to stay in this moment.

Caroline burst out of the flyscreen door, buttoning a threadbare flannelette shirt above her sarong. ‘Crikey, Jess, John’s here already!’ she called. John Duggan’s car rumbled down the dirt road and slowed before turning into the driveway.

Jess stood and put her arms around her pony’s neck. She buried her face into Diamond’s mane.

She heard a car door open and then slam.

I can’t do this.

Footsteps.

A soft voice.

‘You okay, matey?’

Jess pulled her head out of Diamond’s mane and looked directly into John’s eyes. They were kind and wise, and she trusted them. ‘I’m doing the right thing, aren’t I?’ She had to be absolutely sure.

‘Yes, I think it’s the right thing, if you really care about her. She’ll always be in pain, and that pain will only get worse.’

Jess nodded. A cold, sinking feeling pushed down on her, making her feel heavy and stiff.

John put a hand on her shoulder. ‘What do you want to do? Would you like your mum to take you up to the house?’

‘No, I want to stay.’

John glanced across at Caroline.

‘She’s okay,’ said Caroline. ‘We made this decision together, didn’t we, Jess?’

Jess nodded and looked down at the ground. If she made eye contact with anyone right now, she would fall to pieces. She led Diamond slowly to the old coachwood tree at the top of the garden.

John stood with his feet apart and his hands behind his back. ‘There are two needles,’ he said. ‘As soon as I give her the second one she’ll be gone. It’s very quick and she won’t feel a thing. She’ll be gone before she reaches the ground.’ He paused. ‘Okay?’

‘Yep,’ she whispered. Her heart slammed against her ribs.

‘All right, here we go,’ said John softly. ‘Is this where you’d like her to rest?’

Jess nodded. Her heart felt as though it were trying to jump out of her body. She concentrated on breathing.

‘Here we go, little one,’ said John, giving Diamond a pat and then, with his hand cupped under the pony’s neck, he pressed his thumb onto her jugular to distend the vein.

Jess’s eyes froze on John’s hand as he inserted a needle. Blood dripped onto the ground.

‘It’s okay; it’s just a little blood. I’m putting the syringe on now.’ John hooked the syringe onto the needle and pressed the plunger. Then he pulled the syringe off, hooked a second one on and injected the final dose. ‘There we go, little girl,’ he said, as he took the halter from Jess and eased Diamond to her knees and onto the soft earth.

‘I love you, Diamond!’ Jess cried, as her pony gave a last long exhalation, then lay motionless. Jess’s knees buckled and she lay over Diamond’s warm body, her face against the pony’s neck. She could hear an eerie distant whine, like a helium balloon deflating across a room; it was coming from her own lungs.

‘It’s okay, darlin’.’ Caroline knelt beside her. ‘Breathe in and out slowly. You’re hyperventilating. It’s okay. She’s out of pain now. We couldn’t have her in pain.’

Jess concentrated on her breathing and began to feel calmer. A strange nothingness settled over her. ‘Oh, Mum, she’s really gone.’

She laid her cheek on Diamond’s neck. It was so still.

5

JESS SAT AT THE
kitchen table, chewing slowly on a cold piece of toast. She hadn’t managed to pull herself out of bed until well after lunchtime. Normally she never slept in. She always fed Diamond, checked her water, took off her rugs and gave her a quick brush before she even had breakfast. But today wasn’t a normal day. Diamond was dead and her parents had let her stay home from school. The rest of the day stretched blankly in front of her.

‘Better feed Hetty’s horse, I suppose,’ she said to Caroline, pushing aside her plate and standing up. Her cousin’s gelding had been trucked from drought country out west a couple of days before; Caroline had offered to take him in for a few months to save him from being sent to the saleyards.

‘Don’t you think you should put some shoes on?’ Caroline called after her.

‘No.’

Down at the shed she stuffed some hay into a net and tossed a dipper of pellets into a bucket, then carried it all out to the paddock. ‘Hee–up!’ she called. The gelding continued to graze. ‘Oy, horse! Want a feed or what?’

The old stockhorse turned a slanty eye in her direction and kept eating. He was from the pebbly open downs of Longwood, where the pasture was sparse: buffel and button grasses mostly, flanked by mulga flats and spinifex ridges. Like most of the horses Jess had seen from out that way, he was ribby, with a dull, sun-bleached coat.

She rattled the pellets and finally the horse looked up and came towards her. He shoved his remarkably ugly head into the bucket, knocking it from her hand, and then began hoovering the pellets from the ground. ‘Charming,’ mumbled Jess.

She wandered to the coachwood tree. Its ancient trunk was circled with silvery rings, and the canopy was covered in squillions of creamy flowers shaped like stiff little stars. There were hundreds of these trees along the local creeks, but this was the biggest one Jess had ever seen. Somehow it seemed ancient and wise. Each November she loved to watch its flowers turn from cream to pink. The pinker they got, the closer Christmas was.

Next to it, Diamond’s resting place was a mess, with tyre marks everywhere. The horror of the previous day confronted her: Diamond flopped in the hole with no life in her body, her eyes glazed blue and empty.

Jess sat down where she thought the pony’s head would be. She pushed her face between her knees, stared at the ground and inhaled the smell of fresh soil. She pushed her toes into the cool earth, trying to feel close to Diamond, for what seemed like hours.

Buzz rumble.

Shara: S^

Jess turned and saw Shara standing at the top of the driveway holding a bunch of yellow flowers, the kind that grew along the railway line between their two homes.

‘You didn’t tell me that Diamond was going to be put down!’ said Shara. She began walking towards Jess. ‘I heard it from Katrina and Tegan this morning. How could you not tell me? I never would have gone to that test.’

Jess just stared at her.

‘I can’t believe it,’ Shara said, gazing around at the mud. ‘Is this where she’s buried?’

Jess nodded. Shara sat down next to her and the two girls sat in silence for a while.

‘How was the test?’ asked Jess, with an effort.

‘Easy. Who cares about the stupid test?’

‘Why aren’t you at school?’

‘It’s four o’clock, Jess. I can’t believe you didn’t tell me,’ said Shara again. ‘I didn’t know, or I would have been here.’

‘You would have blown your test.’

‘I could have sat it later.’

‘No, you couldn’t.’

‘Why didn’t you at least tell me?’

Jess was quiet for a while, because she really didn’t know the answer. Eventually she shrugged. ‘I didn’t want to. I only had such a short time left with her. Sorry, but I just couldn’t share her.’

‘Jessy . . .’ Shara paused. ‘Why don’t we go for a ride?’

‘What?’ Jess turned and stared at her. ‘You must be joking.’

‘You could ride that bay horse.’

Jess screwed up her nose. ‘What, Hetty’s horse?’

‘Yeah, why not?’

‘I don’t want to ride him. I can’t even catch him!’