Diary of a Dieter (23 page)

“You’re back together?” Ness yelled across the lounge.

“Will you please keep your voice down? He’s still in there asleep.” I pointed at the bedroom.

“I don’t care! I’ve half a mind to drag his arse out of bed and sling him out of your apartment. Did you hit your head? Because you must be crazy!”

I stood from the sofa and held my hands in the air with exasperation.

“I have the right to make my own decisions, Ness. We went out for dinner the other week and we … talked. He’s not perfect; God knows he’s been an arsehole, but so does he. He knows what he’s done and knows that this is his last chance to put it right.”

Dana scoffed behind me. “Oh, Charlene. He’ll tell you anything to get his feet back under the table. You’re not thinking straight. Your heart is broken over Adam, and you’re terrified of being alone. That’s all.”

“And what exactly is wrong with not wanting to be alone? You like being alone?”

She shook her head and stared out of the window.

“Charlene, I
had
the love of my life. I let him slip through my fingers. I’ve been suffering ever since. You had a chance to be happy; Adam spent the entirety of his going away party staring at the door. He denied it, but it was obvious that he was waiting for you. Now when he calls, it’s like he’s afraid to ask us about you. I’m telling you, that man is in pain. He’s miserable. He works nonstop to keep himself busy, and he’s gradually working himself into the ground! I know he’s unhappy there.”

I looked down at the floor as heartache for him set in. “We would never have worked, Dana.”

Ness grunted. “You never tried to find out.”

“Well, it’s too late now! He’s thousands of miles away. Brad is
here
. Right here, in my bedroom, and he actually wants to be with me. He wants to try and make it work, and I owe it to myself to try. I have to know.”

Ness shook her head in disgust. “Well, don’t expect us to be happy about it. As far as I’m concerned, he’s a slimy little slug and always will be. Good luck!” Grabbing her purse, she stared at Dana. “Come on, Dana. I don’t want to be here when the nutfucker wakes up.”

Shaking her head ruefully, Dana followed Ness, and they left the apartment, slamming the door behind them.

Falling back onto the sofa, I pressed my palms over my face. It wasn’t that my rekindled relationship with Brad was a secret, and I was certainly not ashamed. I simply knew my friends, well, Ness would go bat shit crazy at me as soon as they found out. I needed time to be sure that this was what I wanted before going … public. I was tired of being alone, pining for Adam, and wondering if I was doomed to roam the planet solo for the rest of my life. Surely being with Brad wasn’t my worst option. But right now, it seemed to be my
only
option. Single life clearly didn’t agree with me, and I had long since decided to cast it aside like yesterday’s newspaper. The bedroom door squeaked from across the room.

“I take it you told the girls?” I removed my hands to find Brad standing in the doorway in a pair of jeans and a blue shirt, giving me a sympathetic smile.

I nodded. “It didn’t go so well.”

Striding over, he sat beside me and placed his arm around my shoulders, pulling me to him for a hug. “You knew they wouldn’t be too happy, but it’s not up to them. Is it? This is our life and our choice. You haven’t changed your mind, have you?”

I stared into his eyes and smiled. “No. I’m just sad that they can’t be happy for me.”

He smiled. “They’ll come around. I take it you didn’t mention the engagement, though?”

Okay, don’t judge me, but I may have agreed to marry Brad over dinner last night. I never mentioned it because it really wasn’t such a big deal. It had only happened two days ago. I was pining over Adam leaving, and I’d just watched
The Notebook
. Who wouldn’t be feeling a little love sick and heartbroken after that? I’m only human! Anyway, we’d gotten some Chinese and were sitting in the lounge when he dropped to one knee and begged me to take him back. As you can imagine, I was shocked, horrified, and stunned. After everything we’d been through—no, everything he’d put me through—he actually had the courage to propose marriage! Again! He made promises, begged, pleaded, and even cried. It had to be said that Brad never cried. Not even when his father died. I’m a sucker for a man in tears. You may roll your eyes, but have a little sympathy. I was in a particularly poor state of mind at the time. We’ve all been there.

In a moment of weakness … I found the word
yes
slipping from my lips. He’d been so elated and relieved, I figured, maybe he really had seen the light. Besides, I wasn’t exactly flush with admirers right now. And the fact that being alone was also wreaking havoc on my diet was just another reason that my hand slipped into his, and I nodded as he slid a brand new diamond ring onto my finger. I’d been smart enough to leave it on the dresser before the girls came though. They needed time to adjust to the idea of the two of us being together before I would drop that bombshell on them.

“I decided it’s best to not tell them yet. It’s all still kind of a sore subject for them right now.”

He nodded in agreement and placed a soft kiss on my lips. “Well, hot stuff, I have about two hours before I have to head into the office. What do you say I run us a bath, we slip in, and get dirty?”

He winked at me and I smiled, kissing him gently in return. “Sounds good. I’ll be in in a minute.”

Leaving me alone in the lounge, he sauntered back to the bedroom. I held my head in my hands. Was I doing the right thing? I didn’t want to be alone anymore, but I wasn’t sure I really wanted to be with Brad either. I was still hurting and longing for Adam. Maybe that’s what was really holding me back. Brad was an idiot, granted, but he loved me and what’s more, he wasn’t afraid of saying it. He wasn’t about to leave me for a job across the ocean, and he was safe, stable, and comfortable. I knew him, and he knew me. The idea of a new relationship and getting to know someone all over again made me hopelessly tired. I was done with dating. I was done with sex buddies, and I was done with Adam Fitz. He was clearly done with me, too. The thought depressed me. Pushing it to the back of my mind, I looked down at my bare finger. Mrs. Bradley O’Neil. I could do this.
Probably
. I would marry Brad and live happily ever after. More or less.

* * * *

“Charlene, this dress is the colour of vomit! Do you actually expect me to wear this?” Ness yelled from the cubicle.

“Yes,” I yelled back as I sat in a plush white chair, sipping champagne. Emerging from the changing room, Ness cringed. Her face was contorting with disgust. “This dress is hideous.”

She wasn’t wrong. “I know, but Brad wanted green for the wedding to complement his Irish roots. Besides, I told you, I’m not bothered about the colour.”

She tutted. “Well, you should be. You’re wearing the same dress, why can’t we?”

She gestured to herself and Dana who was sitting on a puffet stool in a dark green strapless gown that matched Ness’s.

“Because this wedding is going to be small. We’re not doing the whole big white wedding. It’s one of the reasons Brad was so flighty last time. He got the jitters. The idea of all those people scared him. We’re just having a small ceremony at the local registrar’s office and then an intimate dinner reception with close friends and family.”

Ness groaned. “It’s bad enough that you’re actually going through with this. You won’t let us throw you a hen night, you vetoed the idea of a honeymoon, and now you’re forcing us to wear these monstrosities that insist on being referred to as dresses!”

I rolled my eyes. “Please, just this once, could you do this and not have to whine, moan, complain and make a scene?”

Dana giggled in the corner. “That would be a miracle.”

I walked over and took the champagne bottle and glass from her hands. She’d been slowly and consistently topping off her glass since we’d arrived three hours ago. I was having my dress refitted. I was finally only ten pounds away from my target, and my dress needed taking in a little. It was a glorious feeling.

Slumping down on a chair, Ness crossed her legs and leaned back, smiling at me. I eyed her curiously.

“What are you grinning about?”

She shook her head. “Oh, nothing. I was just wondering if you’d heard from Adam at all?”

I shook my head. “No. Why would I?”

She shrugged. “It’s been three months. I figured one of you might buckle and call the other.”

I scoffed at her. “Ha! You mean that you were hoping he would talk me out of this wedding.”

She pretended to be hurt by my comment. “Would I do a thing like that?”

Dana and I glanced at each other. “Yes,” we answered simultaneously. Conceding defeat, she moaned. “Wouldn’t be the worst thing in the world to happen. This wedding is, though. Are you actually able to sit there and tell me you’re happy? That this is what you really want? A boring, mundane and extremely sexless life. Forever!”

I’d asked myself that question over a hundred times. It had only taken us three months to plan the wedding, and in that time, we were already settling back into our old routine and way of being together. It was simple, uncomplicated, comfortable, and … BORING. Okay, I admitted it. It was boring. The sex was boring. The conversations were boring, and if I heard the phrase, “Could you change the sheets darling, I think I’d like to have sex” one more time, I was going to hang myself with one of Brad’s awful and tacky neck ties! But I’d made my choice, and now, I was going to have to live with it, and so were my friends. Exhaling loudly, I got to my feet and stood in the middle of the large dressing room. “Look, I am marrying Brad in three days. You can both be there and stand behind me as I do it, or don’t come at all. I can’t keep having this fight with you. Adam left. Okay?
He
left.”

“Only because he thought he and you had absolutely no chance in hell of being together. He thought you hated him, Charlene. When you didn’t call or even go see him, he took the hint. You were just too embarrassed and scared to admit that you wanted him. And he was too stupid to realise that.”

Tossing back my champagne, I held my fingertips to my lips. “The decision has been made. This wedding is happening. End of discussion. Now, one of you help me get into this damn dress so that I can make sure I look like a fucking princess.”

Dana and Ness both stared at me before all three of us burst out laughing. Falling onto the floor, I dropped my empty champagne glass and tried to catch my breath.

“Oh, what the hell am I doing?”

Dana and Ness, finally able to speak again, joined me on the floor. Draping an arm around each of my shoulders, they smiled, resting their heads against mine.

“I’ve asked myself that question, but apparently, you’re getting married. And we’re going to be right up there with you when you say ‘I do.’ Even if we wish you wouldn’t.”

Hugging them both, I sighed. “Thank you. I don’t know what I would do without you two.”

Ness glanced down at her dress. “Find someone else to wear this leprechaun’s bride outfit?”

I chuckled. “But you carry it off so well.”

She giggled. “Well, I better go and take it off before I rip it off.”

I nodded and watched as the two of them giggled and joked as they made their way back into the cubical. It would be fine. I had my family, my girls, and in a few days I’d have my husband. But what I really wanted … was my best friend.

Staring at myself in the full-length mirror, I took a deep breath. My hair was curled into perfect, fiery ringlets and held together tightly in a messy bun on top of my head. A silver and jewel-encrusted tiara sat at the front of it and a thin, elegant veil cascaded behind me. My dress was simple yet stylish. Ness had picked it out and it complemented my shape perfectly—slim line to my waist with a twisting diamond design on the bodice and a flowing white, plain skirt. It was perfect. I looked like a princess and yet, as I continued to stare blankly at myself, I couldn’t have felt less like one if I’d tried.

Today was supposed to be the happiest day of my life. Brad’s niece, Adriane, was our flower girl. She was adorable. Five years old and dressed in a little green dress, she tugged gently on my skirt. “You look pretty.” She beamed. Bending down, I smiled at her and kissed her gently on the cheek.

“Thank you. So do you.”

She grinned up at me. “You’re the saddest bride I’ve ever seen, though, and I’m Irish, I’ve seen loads!”

She did a little twirl and giggled before skipping away and out of the door. I’d been in the bridal suite of the registrar’s office now for over an hour. I could hear people arriving outside. They chatted and laughed amongst themselves. Brad’s broad Irish accent was unmistakable. A small part of me had wondered if he’d really go through with it. Would he actually show up? I guess the answer to that was yes. Brushing myself down, I inspected my dress. It was still perfect. Everything was perfect. Except for the fact that I was jittering more than a vibrator! I was sweating; my throat felt dry and my whole body felt weak. Oh God. What the hell was I doing? If I couldn’t even fool a five year old, how the hell would I convince an entire room that this was the happiest day of my life! Simple. I couldn’t!

It
wasn’t
the happiest day of my life. It was hell, and I was swimming in a sea of regret, anxiety, and downright denial! This was insanity. I couldn’t marry Brad. He’d cheated on me, dumped me, and now I was about to walk down the aisle and say yes to forever with a man I didn’t trust, love, or even particularly like. When had I gotten so desperate?

I walked around the room, franticly thinking of what to do when there was a knock on the door. Walking in, wearing a stunning gray dress and matching hat, was my mother.

“Oh Charlene, you look beautiful. Are you almost ready?”

I gave her a pleading look and she frowned. “My darling girl, what’s wrong?”

I held my head in my hands and sobbed. I couldn’t stop myself. It just flowed out of me.

“I can’t do it, Mum. I can’t. I can’t marry Brad.”

She continued to smile and wrapped her arms around me. “Oh, darling. It’s just cold feet. You’ll be fine.”

Pulling away sharply, I shook my head and became more and more agitated. “No! You don’t understand. I can’t do it! I’m not the same person I was when I met him, and the thought of spending the rest of my life with him makes my stomach churn and my breath catch in my lungs.”

“What are you suggesting? You’re just going to walk away?”

I ripped the veil from my hair and threw it on the floor. My mother hurried to pick it up. “Charlene, calm down. It’ll all be fine. Now is not the time for a meltdown. It’s just nerves. Goodness, do you think I really wanted to marry your stepfather? Of course not. I didn’t love him. I was still in love with your father. But I had a child to feed, and I wasn’t getting any younger. So, I married him, and in time I grew to love him. You have to stop believing in fairytales and happily ever after. They don’t exist. That man out there adores you, and he wants to spend the rest of his life with you. He’ll take care of you, and one day, you’ll look back and wonder what on Earth you did before he came along. I promise.”

I stared at her. “Promises are a dangerous thing, Mum. They have the ability to make and break entire lives.”

She nodded and gently slipped the veil back into my hair.

“I know. And I also know you’ll make the right choice. I have to go back out there. They’ll be waiting for me. Ness and Dana told me to give you this. I assume it’s a good luck card.”

She handed me an envelope and beamed before stroking my face gently.

“You really are beautiful.”

I held her hand against my face and snuggled. I needed some comfort, and right now, this would have to suffice. Pulling her hand away, she smiled and left me alone with my envelope. Sitting myself down in front of the dresser, I opened it with trepidation. As I read each word, tears began to stream down my face. My body racked with sobs, and my heart ached. It was from Adam.