Diary of a Mad Bride (29 page)

C
hapter Thirty-nine of
BB
suggests that couples alleviate stress by taking minivacations prior to their wedding.

Where can we go on $23.50?

M
y family is still stunned by Gram's outburst concerning our Jewish roots. Considering how much energy we're already expending to plan my wedding, and to deny Nicole's divorce, it's a miracle we're not running to some clinic, begging for sedatives.

Thankfully, my mother, who for the first twenty-four hours was leaning toward official conversion for the entire family, has eased up on the issue. She's come to her senses and agreed that my wedding should go ahead as planned—whether or not Gram chooses to attend. I suspect this has something to do with her realization that as an observant, kosher Jew she'd need to wash two sets of dishes and forgo bacon.

Meanwhile, Mandy insists I resolve the Stephen/Louise issue A.S.A.P. “How can you, in good faith, enter into a lifelong union with someone who may be cheating on you? A happy marriage is based on trust.”

She's right.

So we've decided to go behind Stephen's back and spend next Wednesday spying on him.

W
e got our first R.S.V.P. for the wedding today. It was so exciting to see that familiar cream-colored envelope sitting in the mailbox.

And I can't tell you how pleased I was to learn that Hans Lindstrom will be attending my wedding.

M
ore R.S.V.P.s. People are actually coming to my parents' house festively attired on June 22nd.

Now I
have
to get married!

I
'd been trying to reach Anita for the past week. I know she's been busy; certainly every time I call her office she's either in a meeting or on an important call. But for Christ's sake, it's
Teen Flair.
How important can it be? Have the Hanson boys cut their hair? Has cherry-flavored lip gloss been linked to weight gain?

Doesn't she realize that my wedding is twenty-nine days away and I still don't have my beautiful rhinestone hair comb? Had she even remembered her promise to take her niece Molly to the Bridal Building and buy it for me? Sure, Lucy's blue enamel barrette was beautiful, but that hair comb was the finishing touch!

I kept trying.

ME

Hi, it's Amy Thomas calling again. Is Ms. Jensen available?

ANITA'S SECRETARY

No, I'm afraid Ms. Jensen is in the ladies' room.

ME

Again? That's the fifth time today.

ANITA'S SECRETARY

Yes, well, I'm afraid Ms. Jensen is suffering from a urinary tract infection.

Wait a minute…
a urinary tract infection?
Anita was avoiding me just like I'd avoided Mandy!
⁴⁴

And who could blame her? I've called her ten times a day panicked about Stephen and Louise, complained incessantly about my dress, and even cried once or twice or seventeen times over my nonexistent shoes.

Anita's secretary must have sensed my sudden horror, because she put me on hold. Moments later Anita answered the phone.

ANITA

Hi, Amy. What's going on?

ME

Look, I know you've been avoiding me and I'm sorry that I've called you ten times today—

ANITA

Sixteen.

ME

Whatever. Just tell me if you and Molly went and got my hair comb.

ANITA

Yes, we went. No, we didn't get the comb.

ME

Why not?

ANITA

Because it's not a hair comb, Amy. It's a tiara.

ME

Come on, Anita. You know how important that comb is to me, and you didn't buy it because Mrs. Cho thinks it's for kids?

ANITA

It
is
for kids. It's what prepubescent girls wear in those pervy child beauty pageants.

ME

But it's an integral part of my hairstyle!

ANITA

And you're a thirty-year-old woman obsessing on some toddler's Taiwanese tiara. Now calm down. I'll call you later.

First of all, it's Korean, not Taiwanese. Second, how the hell am I supposed to “calm down”?

Single people just don't get it.

I
no longer need to go undercover with Mandy in an effort to assess my fiancé's fidelity.

The truth is OUT.

I dropped by Stephen's office. Unannounced. Just a friendly “in the neighborhood, thought I'd say hello” visit. But no sooner did I push the elevator button than the doors opened wide, and off stepped Louise—with her tongue jammed down the throat of a HUNKY, SIX-FOOT-TALL BLOND WITH THE BODY OF AN ADONIS!
Nothing
at all like Stephen!

T
he fact that I so easily lost faith in Stephen's love is frightening. Nicole, the Stewarts, and Bianca Sheppard-Douglas-Izzard-Santos-Rabinowitz are all proof of the fragility of marriage.

But true love should be hard as a rock.

It's something I see between the Brocktons, my parents, and though Stephen would kill me if he heard me say this, I also see it with his father and Misty. Love is strong, binding, and brave. It rises to the top—even if it is unpopular.

I know our love is strong. I really do. But I've got to remember that nothing survives without faith.

W
e got our first official wedding gift today.

Stephen and I are now the proud, joint owners of a shiny seven-speed blender with an adjustable base.

I
t's amazing how much progress has been made since my mother ascended to the wedding-planner throne.

Chairs, tables, table linens, a tent, and the dance floor have all been rented. Bartenders have been hired. The floral design has been reconceived and orders have been placed. The menu has been revised.
⁴⁵
And the wine has been purchased. All in just two weeks. Asking my mother
to help was the smartest decision I've made since deciding to marry Stephen.

And work's back on track too. Since I'll be honeymooning until mid-July, D-day on the proofs for my “Faces” issue is set at the second week of June. To make sure I meet that deadline I've instituted a new rule—no wedding-related phone calls at the office. And this time I'm sticking to it. Be it the florist or the bandleader, leave a message on my machine at home. And if it's an emergency call, my mother. I've purchased a pager for her, which has convinced her fourth-grade students that she's dealing drugs on the side. They are thoroughly delighted.

But that's not to say that things at work are calm. On the contrary, tensions are running high. Barry spent the morning short-tempered and muttering as Fabrizio serenaded us with a medley from
Gypsy.
Somewhere around the chorus of “Everything's Coming Up Roses,” Barry snapped.

“Dammit, Fabrizio, Sondheim's a wordy lightweight with no passion!” Fabrizio gasped. Then shrieked, “Andrew Lloyd Webber's a hack and a plagiarist!”

I was expecting fisticuffs.

But as much as Barry despises Sondheim, he knows Fabrizio's the best temp we've had since Kate's departure. So he directed the remainder of his frustration at me.

“You! This is all your fault. Kate didn't sing Sondheim! Kate didn't even know who Sondheim is! Now, for Christ's sake, would you hurry up and get married? YOU'RE KILLING ME HERE!”

My pleasure, Barry, except I still don't have shoes!

LY EVIL AND ENDLESS

Official
_^
THINGS TO DO List

1. Choose wedding date

2. Tell boss wedding date

3. Vacation time for honeymoon

4. Decide on honeymoon

5. Get minister

6. Choose reception venue

7. Make guest list

8. Choose maid of honor

9. Choose best man

10. Register for gifts

11. Arrange for engagement party

12. Buy engagement ring

13. Buy wedding rings

14. Buy wedding dress

15. Choose maid of honor dress

16. Order wedding cake

17. Hire caterer

18. Hire band for reception

19. Order flowers for ceremony

20. Buy shoes

21. Plan rehearsal dinner

22. Invites to rehearsal dinner

23. Hire musicians for ceremony

24. Decide on dress code

25. Get marriage license

26. Hire videographer

27. Hire photographer

28. Order table flowers

29. Order bouquets

30. Order boutonnieres for men

31. Order nosegays for women

32. Order invitations

33. Decide on wine selection

34. Postage for invitations

35. Choose hairstyle and makeup

36. Buy gifts for attendants

37. Buy thank-you notes

38. Announce wedding in newspaper

39. Buy headpiece

40. Buy traveler's checks for honeymoon

41. Apply for visas

42. Get shots and vaccinations

43. Order tent if necessary

44. Order chairs/tables if necessary

45. Make budget

46. Divide expenses

47. Make table-seating charts

48. Choose bridesmaid dress

49. Decide on menu

50. Decide on hors d'oeuvres

51. Decide on dinner-service style

52. Decide on staff-guest ratio

53. Decide seated or buffet

54. Reserve vegetarian meals

55. Reserve band/photographer/videographer meals

56. Make photo list

57. Choose hotel for wedding night

58. Hire limo for church-reception transport

59. Buy guest book for reception

60. Find hotel for out-of-towners

61. Decide on liquor selection

62. Hire bartenders

63. Verify wheelchair accessibility

64. Choose processional music

65. Choose recessional music

66. Choose cocktail music

67. Choose reception music

68. Choose ceremony readings

69. Prepare birdseed instead of rice

70. Schedule manicure/pedicure/wax