Diary of a Mad Diva (25 page)

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Polly.

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J. Edgar Hoover and I were very close. In fact, we were the same size. I used to lend him my clothes for special occasions. He looked especially fetching in a simple summer shift with matching cloche and open-toed shoes.

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FYI, Miley Cyrus’s mother is theoretically only fourteen years older than she, and Miley claims that she was a virgin until she was sixteen. Big deal. It’s not that she was “good.” She simply could outrun her brothers.

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I’m sure that Cooper will never want gender reassignment surgery, but one can hope. Why should Cher be the only entertainer to get years of free publicity for something she didn’t have to lift a finger for?

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FYI, Emily was known to be a little mannish in her appearance because of the mustache, furrowed brow and Adam’s apple. How times have changed. Hillary Clinton has the same characteristics and no one’s calling her butch . . . to her face.

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None. They don’t have opposable thumbs. Or: None. They don’t have electricity in hovels. Or: None. They don’t need electricity; they just set fire to an old wife, for light.

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“Charming” is a euphemism for broken cups, sullen waiters and cockroaches.

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Shout-out to Brad: “Hey, Brad, if Rin Tin Tin and Lassie can lick their balls clean, so should you.”

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Last year on my tax return, I took $225,000 off for makeup. The IRS called me down, took one look at me and okayed it.

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Super Steve Levine did his job. As of January 1, I’ll get $50,000 and two-ply toilet paper for life (I rash easily). I’m so happy. You can’t see me now, but I’ve got a shit-eating grin on my face.

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Capitalized, out of respect.

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I hate couples who take their names and combine them when they’re naming their child. Sometimes it works, like Dee and Ann had a darling little girl named Deanne. But most of the time it doesn’t. Jewel and Derek were obviously drinking when they cut the umbilical cord and named their little girl Jerk. (It could have been worse; they could have named her Jew-e.) Tyrone and Kitty made a huge mistake when they named their bouncing baby boy Titty. But the saddest case I’ve heard was when two very dear Chinese friends of mine, Fiona and Chuck Yu, took their darling little Fuck to Disneyland where they were physically ejected when they called out the baby’s full name in front of Mickey Mouse.

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The British medical term is “cooz-dick.”

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He was a really bad alcoholic. In his day, he saw more ice than Peggy Fleming.