Diary of a Mad First Lady (17 page)

This time, I held my breath, and it was filled with anger. In this case, the truth was better left untold.

“That’s why I got so defensive with you on the phone. We went out to dinner, talked for hours, and she talked to me about how she was just getting over a bad relationship. I’ve been counseling her for weeks—trying to be a true friend—but she wanted more than that. It was something about her that was intriguing, and my sin nature wanted to give in, but when we drove up to her house, I realized I was making a mistake.”

It seemed that lately shock was the only emotion that applied to me. I didn’t even know what to say. My husband was sitting on our bed, telling me that he’d almost had an affair. Some would say almost didn’t count, but it did to me.

“Darvin, I’m sorry, but I don’t understand. I know that the past few weeks—maybe months—haven’t been good. Is that just cause for you to go out and start having an affair on me? What did I do to deserve that? Or should I say the thought of it?”

“Nothing. I’m just going through some things within myself. Michelle, in my heart, I didn’t want to do it. I just wanted to escape reality. I wanted to go to a place where my reality was somehow different. Where it seemed as if I could escape and where our problems didn’t exist.”

Jesus, keep me near the cross. Did he just say escape? Who didn’t want an escape?

“Did you ever stop to think that the place you were trying to escape to was a place that I’d love to go myself? Did you ever stop to think that I’ve been hurting too?” The thought of his selfishness made me angrier. “How do you think I cope? I would like to take a vacation to la-la land, but I can’t, because I know you’re counting on me. Our baby is counting on me.”

Darvin allowed the tears to flow freely. He looked as if he’d aged several years. I’d never seen him so broken about something, and while I knew that he wasn’t perfect, I never thought that we would be having this discussion.

He shook his head. “I will never be able to make this make sense. I’ve made a terrible mistake. I should have never entered into any type of relationship with this woman without you knowing it. For any reason. Ever.”

“So, is she the person you’ve been spending your evenings with?”

He looked up at me as if he feared for his life. “Yes.”

I suddenly remembered the note that I’d gotten in church that Sunday. My instincts told me that the woman must have been there, and it was evident that she wanted me to know it. Didn’t men know that the other woman would never be completely satisfied with just being the other woman? Females like her wanted to be the one and only. Women like her made me think of Daphne and Dawn.

“But what did I do? Why didn’t you come and talk to me?” I questioned.

I didn’t understand this. Couldn’t understand it. Wouldn’t understand it.

“And say what? That I met another woman that I’m attracted to? A woman who validates me and is just as passionate and understanding of ministry as I am? Another woman who seems to understand what I go through—all while helping me to forget what I’m going through?” He turned around on the bed. “You know that I couldn’t have told you that.”

He sure in a devil’s hell couldn’t. He was already about to get his head knocked off had he said one more thing about this woman.

“But we could have talked about it nonetheless. We could have communicated about what the other was feeling. If you had voids, you should have come to me. I’m your wife and you’re my husband. That’s what married people do. They work through their problems.”

“Those are the politically correct answers, Michelle, but until you’re faced with temptation, you don’t know how you will respond.” He stood and began unbuttoning his shirt. He took it off and tossed it on the nearby chair.

“I don’t know what to say, and I know that saying I’m sorry is not enough. You don’t deserve this, especially with all that you’ve had to deal with lately. For some strange reason, I felt that all of what’s been happening was my fault. I told myself that you were disappointed in the life you had to live because of being married to me, so instead of facing you, I ran. It seemed as if one thing after the other was happening, and because I couldn’t do a single thing about it, I took off my Superman cape. I retreated into the false safety of Delilah’s lap.”

He took my hands into his own. “I can never make up for this, Michelle. I won’t even try. I won’t lie to you anymore and try to pretend that I’m perfect and that I have it all together. I thought I was above reproach and falling down, but this has taught me that I’m just as vulnerable as anyone else. I went seeking someone to validate me and to reaffirm that I was a good man, something that I felt I wasn’t being to you anymore.”

Once again, tears were flowing; this time from both of our eyes. The enemy had tried once again to destroy me, Darvin, and our home. He gave it his best shot to take us under. But every time, we came out stronger. I didn’t know what the future held, but one thing I did know was who held the future. And my life was in His hands.

Darvin slid over to my side of the bed—slowly crossing the emotional borders that I’d created in response to his confession. When he reached for me, I allowed myself to fall into what seemed like unfamiliar arms. Had she also been in his arms? It was a question I was too afraid to ask.

The assurance I once had in our tight-knit bond had slowly faded into the night, and dark clouds loomed over it.

He stroked my face with the tip of his thumbs and allowed the trail to continue down my bare forearm. The heat from his touch made me want to loosen my resolve, but the memory of his actions made me resist the temptation.

“Darvin,” I said between kisses he was now placing on my neck.

“Yes,” he replied seductively.

Mmm . . . the rich sounds of his baritone voice always made me weak.

Not tonight.

“Your blanket is already in there on the couch.”

He came to an abrupt halt. “Excuse me?”

I eased off the bed, grabbed the pillow I kept on the chaise for extra back support, and gave it to him.

“And here’s a pillow.”

He looked into my eyes—his own confused.

“What are you saying, baby?”

“What I’m saying is you’re sleeping on the couch. Now, will it be one pillow or two?”

Without saying a word, he reluctantly took the pillow, and I watched him and his entire make-me-wanna-throw-him-down-and-make-love-to-him body walk out of our bedroom. I was pissed at what he’d done, but was also grateful that he’d come to his senses before it was too late.

How-ev-er
. . . his behind was still sleeping on the couch tonight.

Chapter Seventeen

Daphne

The drive to church made me nervous. It had been a few months since I’d shown up again at Mount Zion. I had to be careful not to blow my cover as Dawn, so I decided to lurk in the shadows. I wanted them—specifically Michelle—to think she’d somehow gotten rid of me. Since Twylah’s death, I felt showing up at church would have been just a little too risky for me, seeing that things were so sensitive. Not that I had a reason to be afraid; I just didn’t want to take any chances.

The truth was, I hadn’t meant to kill her, but the stupid girl kept squirming. I only wanted to talk to her to get more information, but she insisted on trying to escape. I’d gotten so angry that I didn’t realize that my hands were tightening around her neck and I was choking her until she wasn’t breathing anymore. Her last breath had been slow and deliberate. And as she fell limp in the chair, it hit me that I’d killed her.

I panicked when I realized what I’d done, and was in desperate need of a way out. I ran out of there so fast, Marion Jones couldn’t have stopped me.

Thinking back to that day still made me shudder . . .

I’d posted Twylah’s bail, and afterward, she hadn’t even said enough to me to form a paragraph the entire way home. I kept glancing over at her, waiting for her to make some sort of conversation, and she hadn’t provided anything.

So, I’d decided to jump start it.

“T, aren’t you going to say thank you or something for getting you out of jail?” I asked.

“Yeah, thanks,” she said nonchalantly.

“Excuse me,” I said, exaggerating my words. “I didn’t know that you had the money to get yourself out, because had I known that, I wouldn’t have posted your eighty-thousand dollar bail,” I said as I rolled my eyes.

“Daphne, if you’re going to make me kiss your butt for getting me out of jail, you’re sadly mistaken.” She turned to me. “You need me just as much as I need you,” she said, looking back toward the window. “So please don’t get it twisted.”

I raised an eyebrow. That short jail time had made her a little feisty.

Nonetheless, she was the one mistaken if she thought that she was going to get away with talking to me like that. “I suggest you change your tone. Let’s not forget all that I’ve done for you.”

“No, let’s not forget all I’ve done for you. I’ve betrayed a friend for months now for a few extra dollars.” She crossed her arms over her chest.

“A few dollars? A few dollars? Huh! What a serious understatement! How about you call it for what it is . . . a couple of hundred thousand dollars! And in case you have forgotten, it was you who came to me because you so desperately wanted to have a lifestyle equivalent to that of a certain Michelle Johnson, so you could prove to an ex-boyfriend who didn’t want you broke or with a few dollars in your bank account. So please don’t you get it twisted,” I said, clearly annoyed. “I came in during a time when you were desperate. And as they say, desperate times call for desperate measures.”

Twylah turned back to me again. “How dare you! Don’t try to throw your money up in my face! You were the one who was so infatuated with a certain Pastor Johnson that you were willing to sell your soul just to be close to him. If it hadn’t been for me making sure you knew his whereabouts, as well as Michelle’s, you wouldn’t have gotten as close as you did. And if you hadn’t been so greedy in trying to rush things, you might have had him by now.”

She knew that was a low blow. She knew that more than anything in this lifetime, I wanted Darvin to myself. The only person that was standing in my way was Michelle. “Well, that might be true, but I have created for myself another opportunity, and like it or not, you are a part of that opportunity.”

“Daphne, I’m done with your schemes. I can’t take it anymore. I’m sick of your blackmails. Ever since you decided to come back here, I’ve been playing your dirty game. I don’t like how this is hurting people.”

Was she trying to back out of our deal? “Oh, no you don’t. You are going to continue to do what I say. I have held up my end of the bargain, and you will hold up yours.”

“I’ve done everything I said I would do. I told you in the beginning that I couldn’t make any promises, and that still stands. I opened the doors for you, but we both agreed that it would be your responsibility to walk into them. Now, like I said, the games are over. I want out.”

I laughed hysterically. She had really lost her mind. Didn’t she know that you don’t play with dirt unless you plan to get dirty?

“It’s not that simple.”

“And why not?” she asked. “You don’t need me anymore.”

“Oh, sweetheart, you are very much needed, and unless you cooperate, your sainthood will be for naught, because I will make sure that Pastor Johnson and Michelle know every dirty little secret that you have.”

Twylah glowed with fury and frustration. She glared at me with frost covering her eyes. “You wouldn’t dare! Because I might have to tell everyone your dirty little secrets, Daphne.”

“You b—”

“You better not call me out of my name!” she interrupted. “Why are you doing this anyway? You have all of the information you need. You are several steps closer than you were two years ago, and now with you re-creating yourself, you’re sure to succeed.”

I could have knocked the taste buds out of her mouth for threatening me, but the truth was, I still needed her. I tried to take a softer approach.

“You don’t get it. The plan is not complete until I’m Mrs. Darvin Johnson. And like it or not, you will see this through to the end.”

She shook her head. “No. I won’t do it. And that’s all there is to it.”

A thought suddenly came to me. “You want him for yourself, don’t you?”

“What?”

“You heard me. You are secretly in love with Darvin and you don’t want to admit it.”

“That’s ludicrous.” She paused for a span. “Sure, I might have been a little attracted to him at one time, but to say that I’m in love with him is a huge overstatement.”

“Yeah, sure.” I didn’t believe anything that she said.

“I’m serious. We all know that he’s good-looking, sweet, charming, funny . . . but I’ve never desired him for myself.”

“So, why do you want out?”

“After Michelle came to see me in prison, I thought about the backstabbing and the lies that I’ve told. I thought about all of the things that she said, and I realize that I’ve been wrong. I mean, I knew I was wrong in the beginning, but for some strange reason, I never stopped long enough to care.

Greed is a monster, Daphne,” she said, staring out of the window.