Diary of a Resurrection (A Novella) (6 page)

Riley may not turn out to be
anything more than a friend. He may not make my palms sweat or my heart hammer,
but he does have something there. A glimmer. I want to know him more, and that
means something. It’s not like with you. In fact, he feels nothing like you. No,
he feels like a beginning.

I want you to know that I am glad I met you, Drew. I am glad
it all happened. I’m glad I fell so in love with you so quickly. I’d rather be
me, hopeful and open, loving fast with my heart on my sleeve, than icy cold
you. He who holds back and who is going to miss out on so much because he is
afraid to let anyone in, just in case. Everyone gets hurt, Drew. It is not the
pain that matters, but what you take from it and how it makes you a better
person. How it makes you stronger.

I know that you have a heart of fire under those layers of
ice. And I know for the right girl, you are going to be amazing. The better
version of you. But sadly that girl is not me.

The thing is, I see now that I am better off without you.
I’m happier, brighter, more alert. I finally feel present in my life in a way I
never did when I was seeing you. But still, I love you and that is the hardest
thing to accept and let go of. Whether it is the right thing to do or not, it
doesn’t make it any easier.

I heard once that it is better to be alone, than with the
wrong man. I guess I know deep down that it’s really true, no matter how much
it hurts to admit it. I want to say it is utter bullshit, but it isn’t. I’m not
all the way healed yet and I continue to get better. Every day is still fucking
hard, but I am getting there, which is what counts. I take each hour, minute
and second one at a time.

I want you to know the truth about love because I am afraid
you are going to miss out: It is amazing and beautiful, and sometimes
all-consuming. But it is also hard and painful in a way that shatters your soul
and leaves dents that will never heal. That’s part of the beauty of taking the
gamble; it’s part of the deal. It’s rarely straightforward or easy, but when
you get it right, it’s so worth it. Unlike you, I’ll always pick the gamble.
I’d rather deal with the pain of having loved someone with all my heart than
feel nothing at all or, like you, believe I’m not good enough and miss
something extraordinary. I want to feel it all. I want to be open for the
extraordinary. I don’t want to miss out, even though sometimes when I remember
I don’t belong to you, I feel like I can barely breathe. But that’s love.

And that’s how a resurrection really feels.

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