Different Loving: The World of Sexual Dominance and Submission (15 page)
Read Different Loving: The World of Sexual Dominance and Submission Online
Authors: Gloria G. Brame,William D. Brame,Jon Jacobs
Tags: #Education & Reference, #Health; Fitness & Dieting, #Psychology & Counseling, #Sexuality, #Reference, #Self-Help, #Relationships, #Love & Romance, #Sex
[I want] to surrender as a way to give up my need to control my universe. To trust that my top, Cybele, will take care of it and take care of me, to trust that I can let go and have whatever experience I’m going to have. In my life this experience tends to be transcendental and cosmic because I’m that kind of guy. For somebody else it may be something else
.
—J
AMES
W.
The predominant truism in D&S culture is that the sexual submissive is usually someone who, in daily life, has weighty responsibilities. Which comes first is unknown: the submissive impulse, which may lead one to overcompensate in adulthood by pursuing high-power careers, or stressful careers, which lead individuals to seek an outlet in submission. The archetypal submissive is said to be a top executive who longs to yield all responsibility to another person during erotic play.
The people who are submissive are generally the most dominant in life: They’re heads of corporations, they’re people who are in a decision-making process all the time. What they’re saying is, “I’m tired of making decisions; I’m tired of having control all the time. I want to relax. Do me! Take the control away from me. Let me have some time.”
—M
ARIE
-C
ONSTANCE
This need to escape responsibility is hardly limited to high-powered executives; it extends to others encumbered by the tensions and responsibilities of daily life, including dominants.
I’m predominantly a top, but I [occasionally] bottom: I’m so in charge in most of my life that it is a relief for me to turn my vulnerability and power over to someone I respect and trust. It is a great joy for me not to have to be in charge for a certain amount of time. I do not want to abdicate responsibility in life. I love life and what I do. But it’s a breather, and different [from] a massage or a hot tub. I’m involved with someone who will take me beyond where I could go alone, someone who will respect the gift of my submission
.
—M. C
YBELE
The period of submission is, in effect, a time when worldly obligations are cast aside; a time of surrender and receptivity to the stimulus that the dominant bestows. No decisions must be made, and no distractions reduce the intensity of perception.
I characterize [my submissiveness] mostly as a chance to let loose. After a day of making decisions, [it] is a chance to not be in control and to not always have to worry about [everything]: letting somebody else take over
.
—P
HIL
T.
Submission is a turning away from the social and a penetration into a sacrosanct internal space. This may be why many submissives compare their erotic experience to a religious or spiritual surrender. The surrender is a means of achieving a kind of freedom from ego, a condition where one is completely trusting and undefensive.
Since adolescence I have loved to sit in churches, temples, mosques, synagogues, it really doesn’t matter: Sacred space is sacred space. I don’t see any value in separating eroticism and spirituality. I see them as deeply allied. The process of S&M spirituality, of going into role as into a prayer space and maintaining that for days, for weeks even, makes me serene and beneficient. I try to borrow from that space when I teach, because it is a space of absolute service. By learning to surrender that way, I learned to top
.
—J
AMES
W.
For many, submission is a supreme form of nakedness—a desirable exposure. It permits one to explore absolute powerlessness in a safe context, knowing that no actual harm will occur and that one will not be condemned or ridiculed. The sexually timid or socially introverted person may find in submission a place where outrageous exhibitionism is not only permissible but profoundly exciting to the partner. Submission is, in some ways, a topsy-turvy world where the submissive is precisely what he is not (and would not choose to be) in daily or social life: Macho men are petticoated trollops; feminists are love slaves; the fastidious are soiled; hedonists accept extreme pain; and the liberated enter stringent bondage only to find, paradoxically, that they feel even freer.
Breaching taboo is an important element in many submissives’ pleasures. In this respect, submission is deliberately antisocial. Behaviors normally circumscribed or prohibited in conventional sexual relations are explicitly supported and investigated. These explorations delve into everything from taboo mental games to extreme invasions of physical privacy or experimentation with forbidden stimuli. Some individuals feel exhilarated precisely because of the thrill of defying sexual conventions. They are “playing at the edge” of sexuality and taboo.
Another key element of submission is a warm combination of trust and consolation.
When I submit, I have to trust somebody a lot more than I would ordinarily think of trusting someone and I show a lot more of myself. That’s very satisfying. It’s a sense of belonging, being at home, being comfortable
.
—R
ISING
S
TAR
Emotional gratification is as important to most submissives as are individual acts. Unlike masochism, submission is not primarily physical. Within the context of a power exchange, a deeper emotional drama of acceptance is played out. Again, it’s worth noting the fundamental paradox of D&S: People who are unlikely to be trusting in their social lives may, sexually, place a complete trust in the dominant partner. When this trust is well placed,
submissives often experience a shock of delight. The same things that might be perceived by the sexually conventional as flaws or failures (such as a raging libido or sexual fetishes) are acceptable and appreciated in a D&S context.
Submissive activities cover a broad range. Some people (and this seems more true of men than of women) enjoy being ordered to do simple things, such as cleaning the dominant’s house. Elaborate conquest fantasies in which the submissive is forced to accept punishment are also popular. The variety is endless (which is why we devote individual chapters to some of the most popular forms of erotic play). Suffice it to say that submission in a D&S context is one of the rare times when the revelation of one’s deepest and most forbidden sexual desires is not merely tolerated but is lovingly encouraged and rewarded. This acceptance often makes submissives feel very grateful toward the understanding and concerned dominant.
Because the conscious submissive makes a clear choice—alert to the implications of submitting, aware of the risks, and intent on maximizing personal pleasure—the D&S dynamic is often described as a power exchange. Many see this as a therapeutic transaction between equally powerful individuals.
For me, submission is not about being passive or giving up because you’re weak. It’s about voluntarily turning over your own power to somebody else. When I bottom I do [it] from the point of view that I have great power and give it as a gift with full trust that the top will respect and appreciate the gift of my vulnerability. As a top, I’m interested in people giving me their power. I don’t need to rip it from them. I don’t elevate myself by putting them down
.
—M. C
YBELE
Finally, intellectualizing aside, our interviewees agreed on one point: For them, submission is a path to sexual ecstasy.
I tried submitting, but nobody ever found that mental key [to reach] inside me. And then one time I submitted, and there was a great deal of teasing combined with some whipping. It built into incredible arousal. What made an impression on me was that I was begging to come! I was finally given permission to come, and one hand was untied, but I was only allowed to come if I masturbated with the handle of the whip. I didn’t care what would have happened, who could have walked in then; I couldn’t have stopped. This was something I had to do!
—R
ISING
S
TAR
One of the things I discovered through S&M was that Wilhelm Reich was right: It is possible to have a whole body orgasm. I can still
have an ordinary genital orgasm—that’s fine, I like it—but I’ve also discovered an orgasm that starts at the base of the spine; rides up my spine; convulses my body; snaps my head back and forth; explodes out the crown of my head; makes my feet go shake, shake, shake, and twitter; twitter, twitter, and just keeps going on and on and on and on and on and on, and when it finally stops, I can do it again. And again and again. It’s more intense, more compelling, more complete than a genital orgasm and doesn’t stop me from having the genital orgasm, too. That, for me, is the physical pleasure of erotic surrender
.
—J
AMES
W.
Such testimony may partly explain why the majority of D&Sers switch roles. A number of our interviewees stated that after acting out dominant fantasies and observing the exaltation of submissives, they were eager to discover whether they could enjoy a similar pleasure.
HY
D
OES THE
D
OMINANT
S
EIZE
P
OWER?
Dominance is the yang to submission’s yin: It is the desire to exert control over a consenting partner for the purpose of mutual gratification. If submission is an escape from ego, dominance is the ultimate ego trip, a time when one exerts absolute control over another’s reality and holds the key to his or her partner’s pleasure. The exhilaration of dominance begins with a psychological and intellectual satisfaction, a satisfaction that extends to the erotic.
The personal enjoyment I [derive] is, first, intellectual: I can figure out what the person needs. Then there’s aesthetic enjoyment: knowing how to do it. And there’s knowing the level of trust that’s given to me: It’s a tremendous trust
.
—C
LÉO
D
UBOIS
Perhaps the single most important element in the power exchange is the solid emotional bond that develops between dominant and submissive, a bond born of the submissive’s trusting compliance in the moment of submission.
An S/M whipping is an act of love. It’s using a tool, the whip, to create a bond between two people, to take the bottom out of herself and to let the top take the trust and the energy and build it higher and higher until it becomes magic. I actually like the term S/M better than S&M, because S/M to me means “Sexual Magic.”
—R
OBIN
Y
OUNG
Most dominants seem specifically aroused by their partners’ pleasure.
When I top somebody, I know I have them in control, and I get an erotic rush out of their erotic rushes. Knowing my partner is getting off on it [is] wonderful for me
.
—J
EAN
L.
Generally, the dominant is aroused by his ability to control circumstances, to award or withhold pleasure.
I often feel ineffectual, that the world goes on, and no matter what I do, I cannot influence it. So when I see clearly that there’s even one person who I can exert an influence on and to whom my every action is very important, it’s satisfying. It’s a feeling of affirmation
.
—L
EONARD
Dominants, too, may enjoy the submissive’s dependency and emotional nakedness—at least for the term of play. Most of the dominants we spoke with stressed that they seek equals as partners, people who are in control of their daily lives, but taking such an individual and reducing him to a condition of erotic helplessness is electrifying for the dominant, reaffirming the dominant’s sense of personal power.
While some dominants are turned on by fairly stringent codes of etiquette (for example, that all submissives must address them as “Master” or “Mistress”), overall, dominants are likely to be flexible about what activities actually occur in a D&S encounter. A majority of dominants whom we interviewed indicated that they experiment with a broad range of fantasies and activities.
Members of the D&S communities frequently debate exactly how much power a dominant genuinely possesses. Many of our interviewees, for example, felt that in the final analysis, the submissive runs a D&S relationship.
Dominants are generally submissive to the will of submissives. They are good at what they do. I’m talking about good dominants, people who really understand what the Scene is about. I’m not talking about masochists and sadists, but about submissives and dominants at this moment
.
—M
ARIE
-C
ONSTANCE
A submissive can control a scene. Actually, ultimately, the submissive controls the scene totally, unless she’s with a nut
.
—C
ARTER
S
TEVENS
Although dominants may not be mere facilitators of the submissive’s fantasy, many certainly place a priority on pleasing the submissive by acting according to his or her demands.
A lovely phrase that someone [used during] a lecture on the subject was, “Try not pleasing your submissive one time, and find out who’s actually in control. They won’t be around very long!” [D&S] acts are always discussed ahead of time, especially until you know new people and where they’re headed and what their likes and dislikes are
.
—G
YPSY
This point of view is not shared by all dominants. Many dominants avoid and disdain submissives who set too many conditions and firmly believe that a good dominant retains absolute rights over exactly what will take place. Lifestylers, particularly, may adhere to the principle that once the submissive has consented to the relationship, the dominant then establishes and controls all limits.
Styles of dominance are often extensions of closely held religious or social philosophies. A small percentage of dominants, for example, believes that the opposite gender is inherently inferior. Others seem to equate dominance with nobility, which may account for the proliferation of Scene names such as “Lord” or “Lady,” “Duchess” or “Duke,” and even “Empress.” A large number of our interviewees were influenced by cult books, such as
Story of O
, and strive to replicate the fiction in reality. Others experiment with their partners to see what type of activities are most rewarding for both and do not bother with labels. Those active in the Scene often avoid playing the role of omniscient dictator and prefer unaffected behavior.
