Different Loving: The World of Sexual Dominance and Submission (38 page)

[A year ago,] there were things I knew I wanted to learn. I feel that I’ve learned those things. I’ve learned how to control the fear. I’ve learned how to use my own energy for things I want. I’ve learned how to be who I want to be. I feel like I was standing in a doorway. Now I’ve gone through it and I’m in this new place. I don’t really know what’s around me, and I’m still just looking around and adjusting. I want more of that.

-j-

For me, [S/M] isn’t just a physical action; it’s got a spiritual aspect to it. The kind of play we do is not just sex play, it’s shamanism. I use the term
S/M
to mean “Sex Magic.” It’s transformational, it’s empowering, it’s stuff that I believe gives me access to a lot more than ordinary perceptions. It’s an exploration of fear, for one thing. I think that we limit our lives and our power in the world and our ability to focus on things when there are fears. They cut us off from feelings. They cut us off from one another. They cut us off from being able to tap into some of the less mundane ways of understanding the universe around us. A lot of what’s going on here is learning to face fear and understand it, and [to] recognize how it’s affecting you and taking the power away from the fear. For me, a lot of it is [also] learning to explore sensation and perception and to understand the limits of actions. One of the big things that I’m learning is trust.

As far back as I can remember as a small child, I’ve had very D&S-oriented fantasies. When I reached puberty the sexual connection became more apparent. In my fantasies I tended to be top. A lot of the fantasies involved women being subjected to all kinds of stuff. A lot of times in the fantasies the woman was me. But I had trouble connecting to that and recognizing that the fleshly person actually wanted that kind of thing. Up until about a year ago I thought that I was a sadist. It was only when I started talking with other people and hearing what’s going on that I realized that there was another side. I didn’t understand what submission was about or why anyone would want to do that.

I have been surprised by the things that I was willing to do. I had heard of the concept of master-slave or mistress-slave, and it seemed like an affectation to me. I could see that some people are very intent in their roleplaying, but I didn’t think that was something I could do. I was surprised the first time Cassandra put a collar on me. It floored me. We had been playing around, doing some bondage and stuff, and we were doing some S/M, but we were switching and there wasn’t any roleplaying. On the way [to a concert one night], she said, “We need to have a serious discussion, and depending on how it comes out, I think we may have a lot of fun.” Basically she proposed that I become her slave. My mind went numb when she said that! “You really mean that, don’t you?” And she said. “Yeah.” I was actually short of breath! After some seconds, I said, “Well … yes.” She said “Okay!” And when we got home, she put the collar on me. I think she saw how ripe I was and how she could show me a world in that way. It just made something click in her! And she’s very protective.

I like a lot of bondage. I really like restrictive bondage. Arms tightly bound behind my back, legs together, maybe even doubled up or hog-tied.
I’ve since become acquainted with the virtues of being opened up physically—it’s brand-new for me. As much surface as possible exposed. I like lots of pain. I like whipping. I like caning a lot. A lot of hand playing, biting, pinching, digging fingers way in. It’s interesting, they all have different kinds of ways they communicate to me. Whips I find to be very emotional. Canes are sexy and communicative.

All of it, of course, is real intimate. One of the things that amazed me happened the night that she first put the collar on me. She put her hands on my face and held my mouth open; I thought she was looking at my teeth. I was very passive and trying to follow [her lead]. After a moment, through a jammed open mouth, I asked, “What are you doing?” You know there’s something
interesting
about having your mouth held open. She continued to hold it that way, and I started feeling incredibly vulnerable and opened up. And that kind of thing I really love a lot. Things that make me feel vulnerable open me up emotionally.

I like a lot of teasing, especially when brought into sex play. I like being pushed around a lot, and I have a chain that’s always on, dragging around my back. Just having my body manipulated that way is real cool. One time she had me kneeling on the floor before her, licking her. She would control me, either physically or verbally. [She’d] say, “Okay, you may touch me in this way”—my hands were tied behind my back. Or she’d say, “You may smell me or touch me with the very tip of your tongue.” And then [she’d] stop, pulling me back, just in and out, teaching that way: It was all me getting her off, not her stimulating me. I was absolutely absorbed by it! She’d start getting off and that would get very hot and exciting, and she’d pull me away. It came to the point where my entire focus was just [on]
her
sensations, making
her
feel good, getting
her
off. That was the single thought in my mind! That was
real
hot.

One of the things I’ve never had a clear idea of is what kind of limits I have. Part of this exploration is finding where limits are. Once I’ve reached a certain limit and integrated that into my experience, then I can go on to the next step. Every time I think I’ve started understanding how it’s all working, completely new stuff happens. And it takes me around for another loop in terms of physical activities and what I’ll do.

The [San Francisco S/M] community is very eclectic and it’s magical! It’s one of the wondrous, most [accepting and] loving things that I’ve ever seen. There were so many fears I had tearing around in me about myself—I can’t tell you how knotted up I was for years. It’s something I’ve known about since my childhood; it was my deepest darkest secret. Now it’s something I’m
proud
of.

Ten

T
he practice of bondage is a blank slate upon which almost any sexual interest or practice may be chalked. Although “whips and chains” is the alleged
sine qua non
of S/M, there are as many bondage enthusiasts who are repelled by sadomasochistic activities as there are masochists who dislike restraint.

In this chapter we include a variety of interviewees who embrace bondage in their erotic repertoires. We hear again from Cléo Dubois and feature five profiles:

Bondage is the sensual experience of safe captivity. To be in bondage is to have no options but to accept one’s physical helplessness.

Our research suggests that women and men equally experiment with bondage. Many couples use bondage as a playful, occasional aspect of lovemaking, while enthusiasts explore scenarios intensively and sometimes independently of other erotic activities. It is essential to note, however, that bondage can entail significant physical risks. Virtually every form of bondage places unusual stress on the body. A keen understanding of all potential risks and safeguards to deter any possible injury must precede all experimentation.

Given the extreme range of motivations and activities, bondage is best defined by its simplest component: restraint.

The ways of incorporating bondage into intimacy are virtually endless.

The act of restraining a partner during sex is older than humanity. While an absolute parallel is misleading, the urge to restrain is common in the natural world. An incalculable number of species exhibit some type of restraint during coupling: Tomcats grip their mates’ skin in their teeth, and higher primates engage in complex patterns of ritual submission and dominance. But only humans have advanced bondage into a multifarious erotic art.

The
Koka Shastra
(circa 12th Century) describes the women of Andhra as
premanibandhanaikanipunaa
, which Alex Comfort suggests may be translated as “skilled in sexual bondage.”
³
Bondage appeared in the
ars erotica
of both Japan and China. The Chinese sex manuals virtually disappeared under the influence of Confucianism, but the bondage tradition survived in Japan. Depictions of bound women remain a theme of contemporary Japanese pornography and inspire modern-day Westerners.

Because of Christianity’s long suppression of eros in the West and the inescapable problems of interpreting classic texts, it is difficult to locate unambiguous historical references to erotic bondage in European history. One can, for example, find numerous quotes in Roman writings which suggest—but do not confirm—that erotic bondage was known. History is, however, rife with examples of people being bound for inhumane purposes. Torture devices such as iron maidens (sarcophagi lined with interior metal spikes) or branks (metal head cages, often with sharp mouthpieces) used by the Inquisitors of medieval Europe are the most infamous examples.

Lack of documented bondage for pleasure in the Western world suggests
faulty reporting, not a lack of pleasurable bondage.
^*
The historical accounts of flagellation brothels (circa 17th to 19th centuries) show that patrons enjoyed being bound for whippings. Pulleys to suspend patrons were a common furnishing and Theresa Berkley’s “horse”—an adjustable whipping rack available at the madam’s establishment—accommodated restraints. All the early sexologists cited numerous case studies of patients who expressed interest in binding or being bound. But the pervasiveness of bondage fantasies was nearly overlooked in favor of other components of clients’ fantasies, such as fetishism.