Dirty Little Secrets (26 page)

James stood up but she held up her hand. “Don’t. I won’t be able to get this out if you do.” James nodded and sat down again. She closed her eyes again so she would not feel his stare against her skin. “It happened once. He apologised, I forgave him and it happened again and then it kept happening. Every time we fought. Right after my seventeenth birthday I realised I was pregnant. And a light went on. I looked at my mom, who spent her adult life neglecting her kids and being beat up. And I realised that was me. That is the person I had let myself become.” I fresh wave of shame pounded against her. It was getting harder to stand; her knees suddenly lacked the strength to keep her legs locked in place. She wanted to run but there was nowhere to go even if she could. She fisted her hands together and forced herself to continue.

“I confessed to my mom and she did the only selfless thing she has ever done for me. She gave me a thousand dollars so I could leave and start a new life. I left that night. I left that girl in Tally. I got on a Greyhound bus and never looked back.”

“Megan.” James stood and crossed the room to her and this time she did not stop him.

“I am not religious at all, I don’t even believe in God. But I believe that spirit. It saved me. It got me out of Mississippi. I’m still alive because of it. This will make no sense to you. But getting pregnant, having an abortion, saved my life. I’m not sorry for it. I’m grateful that I am here. It gave me a chance to get out. So I’m not ashamed. I have been scared for years that someone would find out. I never even told Ben.”

“Oh Megan,” he said as his arms circled her.

“I’ve been scared for so long that some journalist would find out and run a story about the pro-life senator married to the woman with a past. I wasn’t worried about people knowing as much as people thinking they had the right to judge me. I don’t want to justify myself. I made the right choice. I would make a horrible mother. I didn’t protect myself from Pete, how could I be trusted with an innocent little person? Some people should not be allowed to be parents, clearly I am one of them.”

“My sweet girl.” James lowered his head and kissed her cheek softly. “Those are two separate issues. Just because you had a termination does not mean you won’t be a wonderful mother someday. Give yourself a break, you were seventeen. Are you going to let some bastard take that away from you too? If you don’t want children, that’s fine. But don’t make that decision based on something that happened to you fifteen years ago. You’ve changed a lot since then.”

Megan wiped a tear from her cheek with the back of her hand. “There you go again being nice to me. I’m not even sure what to do with it. It was easier when you were the man-whore and I was the bitch. I know how to do that.”

James shook his head. “No it wasn’t easier. It was just more familiar.” James held her closer. “Megan, I am going to tell you something but I want you to remember you are only wearing a nighty and you have no shoes. Remember that before you start running.”

Megan nodded.

“I love you.”

James held her tighter but she relaxed into his embrace rather than fighting it. “Oh James. You don’t need to say that to make me feel better. You’re honestly the nicest person I have ever met. But you don’t need to say that.”

James shook his head. “Seriously, woman? I just told you I loved you.”

“I know. You don’t have to. I’mOK. I just haven’t cried in a while. Honestly I’m fine. You don’t have to say that.” She stood on her toes and pressed a kiss to his stubbled cheek.

James made an exasperated sound before he grabbed her hands and pinned them above her head. “I love you. I didn’t say it to make you feel better. I said it because it’s true. I love you. I lied for you and buried a story because I would not be able to look at myself in the mirror if I did not protect the woman I love. I don’t expect you to say it back but I’m not going to keep it to myself any longer. I love you, Megan.”

She squeezed her eyes together as the familiar pressure began to build. She shook her head. “Did you not hear anything I just said?”

James dropped her hands. Gently he cupped her face in his hands. “I heard you. Did you hear me?”

Megan shook her head. “Please don’t say that. I…”
I don’t deserve it
. “I can’t do it. I can’t be in love.” She closed her eyes again, shutting him out.

James gently lifted her chin. “Stop putting limits on yourself. You’re the most amazing woman I know. I’m so proud of you. When I saw the shithole you climbed out of, I was…fuck, I don’t know what I was. I don’t even have the words for it and I write for a bloody living. All the things I feel, all the things I can’t say—that is love. This is what it feels like. I finally know. So don’t you dare tell me not to feel it. I love you and I will keep loving you even when you are running scared and doing your best to push me away.”

Megan held up her hands to push him away but he didn’t budge, he was too big, too strong. “We keep having all these firsts together and I ruin every one of them because that is what I do. For God’s sake James, save them for someone normal, someone who can do it. It’s not me. I’m not that person.”

“I know who you are, Megan. I love who you are. If you don’t love me, that’s fine. It kind of sucks for me that I finally find a woman to love, and the feeling isn’t reciprocated. But it sort of serves me right for being an asshole.” James managed to laugh.

“You’re not an asshole. Not even a little bit.” The faintest smile pulled on her mouth. “If I was remotely functional I would tell you everything I feel.” Megan stood on her toes again to kiss him gently on his full mouth. “I do have the words. I told you I was better educated.” Megan smiled. She had to make a joke because what she was feeling was too much. James took her to places she was scared to go. She had told someone she loved him, but what she had was a perversion of affection. The word was ruined for her now. But James deserved to know how deeply she cared for him. “I can’t use those words. They don’t mean the same thing for me.” She took a deep breath. She was about to let him in, share one of her last secrets. Words, like punches, could not be taken back. Once they were delivered, there would always be memory, a ghost of their impact.

But James deserved to know. “I can’t say that…but when I tell you you’re a nice guy, when I say you’re kind…I’m really telling you.” She had to stop to breathe and coax her heart out of arrhythmia; if it beat any faster, it would be vibrating. Why was this so hard? “That is me telling you what you mean to me. I am aware how stupid it sounds. But that is my way of telling you… Those are the words that are special to me, to us. Those are the words that mean something to me. Shit, it sounds even stupider when I say it out loud. They are my dysfunctional equivalent.”

Why wasn’t he saying anything? She silently begged him to say something. Anything. But he just stared at her with narrowed eyes. Eventually a slow grin spread across his face, his mossy eyes shining. “You said it first!” He leaned down and kissed her. “The first time you spent the whole night with me, you said it. I remember because you sounded so pissed about it. You were so angry that I was nice. You said it first!”

Megan did not bother denying it. She had said it first and she had meant it. “Ofcourse I was angry. I didn’t want to feel that way. That was not what this was supposed to me about. So yeah, I was totally pissed about it. It certainly complicated things and no matter what I do, I can’t stop feeling it. The more I know you, the nicer you become. I didn’t know it was even possible for me to think someone was so nice.” The words were finally out and she did not want to take them back. The words, like her, were safe with James.

“Oh my little wombat, you’re a really nice guy too, so nice that I want to kiss you.” James leaned in and captured her mouth in a soft kiss. He was saying he loved her and it was OKbecause for the first time, maybe ever, she felt loved. But when he pulled back a pensive look marred his dark features.

“There’s more,” James began. He reached for her hand and led her back to the bed. She sat down beside him. What else could there possibly be? James knew everything; every dark corner of her heart had been exposed. “It’s about Ben. My investigator called today while I was in Mississippi. The police have opened a homicide investigation. They have spoken to his brother in Detroit who told him that Seth was working on a story that would be very damning for Ben McCoy. His source tells him there should be an arrest very soon. This will be all over the papers. I can’t stop it even if I tried. But I wouldn’t. A man is dead. Someone needs to be held accountable.”

Megan nodded. Part of her knew this was coming, it felt inevitable since she found the bottle of oxy in Ben’s medicine cabinet. There was nothing left for her to do. The only option left was to find the best defence attorney in the District. She would take a leave of absence if she needed and help with his case, make sure Ben had the best defence possible. She did not let herself think about innocence or guilt, those were academic now. The only thing she could do was use everything she had learned to help Ben.

“This is going to blow up and it is going to burn hot and fast. I don’t want you here when it happens. I am not going to do astory on you, and I won’t let any of my network near you, but I have no control over rival stations. I want to get you out of here. Take a few days to get things sorted with work and then I want to take you to Australia. I have a cabin in the Blue Mountains. It’s in the Megalong Valley, right on the Coxs River. It’s beautiful and completely off the grid, no one will find you there. Once the story has blown over, you can decide what your next move will be.”

Megan swallowed past the lump in her throat. “You’re pulling the story on me?” She told herself not to cry but she knew it was pointless; the tears were already welling in the corners of her eyes. No one had ever sacrificed themselves for her. No one had ever put her first. He loved her. She dropped her head into her hands.

“Of course I am, silly woman. I love you. I wouldn’t be a very nice guy if I didn’t, would I? And since I met you, being a nice guy has become pretty fucking important to me.”

Megan laughed through her tears. “You’re such a nice guy. I have never met a nicer guy. I never will meet a nicer guy. Even when you figure out I’m not lovable, I will never stop thinking you are the nicest.”

James placed his hand over hers. “I will never stop loving you, Megan. You’re stuck with this foul-mouthed, hard-drinking man-whore.”

“Promise?” She spoke before her mind could stop her.

“I promise. I will love you forever. We will keep ticking things off your list of can’ts. If you stick with me, I reckon we’ll get to the bottom in no time.”

Megan leaned over and kissed him. “You are a very nice man, James Emerson.”

“I love you too.”

Chapter Sixteen

Megan closed her last file and copied everything to a disk for Fiona before she turned off her computer. Her boss had been very accommodating about her taking an unpaid leave of absence. He had assumed she would, now that the campaign was in full swing.

Today was the day.

She was going to leave for Australia with James. Her breath caught in her throat as she thought about James. Maybe she should have been frightened about her future, how her life would unfold over the next few months, but she wasn’t. For the first time in her life, she knew she wasn’t alone; there was someone on her side.

Megan pulled out her phone and texted James to let him know she would meet him at the airport at midnight. There was only one thing left to do; she had to speak to Ben. She had put it off until now because once she did it her relationship with Ben would be irrevocably changed. This chapter of her life needed to close for another to begin. And that did scare her. For fourteen years, Ben had been her best friend, her confidant, her person. Their relationship had not been perfect but it was the closest she had, until James.

Megan took the long way home, partly to have a final look at DC because she did not know when she would be coming back, but mostly to give her time before speaking to Ben. She felt like she was trapped in the moment right after you stub your toe, but before your mind has time to process the sensation. She was fully aware of the pain that was coming and she was going to avoid it for as long as possible.

When she finally pulled into her drive, she turned off the engine and sat and thought about her life with Ben. They had had a good marriage; even if it looked nothing like it should, it had been right for them. They had supported each other, been there for each other.

Megan set her briefcase down on the marble tiles of the entryway, and paused when the aroma of roast beef greeted her. She had forgotten tonight was Thursday, their date night, their red-meat-carbohydrates-and-gossip night. It had been a tradition since they met, a tradition that had fallen by the wayside when she met James. A strange sadness pulled at her as she realised this would probably be her last dinner with Ben in their home. She would miss having him at the centre of her life.

“Ben, I’m home.”

Ben came around the corner, a cupcake-printed potholder on one hand. “Hello, hot stuff. Have you seen the polls? We are on fire! We did it, Megan, you and me.” Ben lifted her off the ground and spun her around. When he set her down, there were tears clouding his warm brown eyes. “This is real, Megan. I couldn’t have done it without you. I know things have been hard for you. You have had to make sacrifices I never should have asked of you. I am sorry. You have been amazing.”

***

James clenched his phone and read the message again.

I can’t meet you tonight. Things are more complicated than it seems. I can’t explain now. I will call you in the morning.

The plane was on the bloody Tarmac ready to go. Something was wrong. He punched in her number again, and again it went to voicemail.

“Shit.” James slammed down his phone. Where was she? He had no fucking clue, but he was going to find her.

James’ concern turned to anger as he swung into her driveway. Her red Prius was sitting in just behind Ben’s BMW. She was here with him.