Dirty Thoughts (11 page)

He’d been so focused on how people took from him that he hadn’t realized all they’d given to him.

He didn’t trust himself to speak, so he nodded. And Brent’s hand dropped away.

Cal walked into the house. His head was spinning, his stomach rolling. He walked toward the door to his garage to be alone to smoke a cigarette, but Max’s voice brought him to stop.

“Cal, I was just telling Asher about the Halloween that Brent and I dressed up as the Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles. Remember that?”

Cal swallowed thickly and nodded as he heard Brent walk in from outside behind him.

“Oh, shit,” Brent said. “I’d forgotten about that.” He turned to Asher. “Max and I were into them. Dad gave us some money for costumes, but it was too late to find one. So Cal made them.”

Asher’s eyes went round. “You made them?”

They weren’t a masterpiece or anything. He’d been twelve and had to buy that iron-on fabric in different colors and sewed what he could a little crudely. Army-green sweat suits did the trick. When he was done, he had three costumes. He shrugged. “They looked pretty homemade.”

Max waved his hand. “Whatever. So Cal ended up getting sick, like the flu or something. And Brent and I felt bad, so at every house, we got extra candy and picked out the ones that Cal would like. He’s got a thing for sweet-and-sour stuff.”

Cal did remember that, now that Max brought it up. As soon as he was better, he’d had a whole pillowcase full of treats that they’d gathered for him.

Asher blinked. “Man, I always wanted brothers. Growing up as the only kid sucks.”

Brent shrugged. “Sometimes we pissed each other off a whole hell of a lot. When it got ugly, it got real ugly. But when it was good, it made up for all of that.”

Cal couldn’t breathe. The tightness in his chest, the pounding of his heart. Was he having a fucking heart attack? Maybe he needed to lay off the takeout. And the smokes. He excused himself and made his way to the bathroom on stiff legs.

In the bathroom, he sat heavily on the toilet and put his head between his legs, clasping his hands on the back of his neck.

Deep breath.

In. And out.

One simple conversation with his brothers, and his whole world tilted.

All this time, he’d been like some fucking accountant, making checkmarks in columns—
I did this for Brent. What did he do for me?

Jenna had tried to tell him all of this, hadn’t she? That relationships could be balanced. It wasn’t like he’d had any good examples. His parents’ marriage had always been fucked up. So everything he knew, he’d learned . . . well, he’d learned from Jenna. She’d been the first person outside of family to love him.

He pulled his head up and dropped his hands onto his thighs. The sounds of brothers talking in the living room filtered through the closed door. Max’s deep voice and Brent’s loud tone and Asher’s laughter. It sounded good to have his house full, to be surrounded by family.

It was romantic to say that love was enough, that love was giving without expecting anything in return. But in real life, with the stress of a job and money and putting food on the table, a little give-and-take was needed for the long haul.

He had to get himself under control. He tried to find the Cal he’d relied on for the past ten years, the one who didn’t let his emotions guide his actions. But that was out of focus now, surrounded by . . . feelings.
Fucking feelings
. A pull toward Jenna and a protectiveness over Asher.

If he had any sense, he’d put Asher on a bus back to his parents. He could call Jill and smack some sense in to her. But what if that didn’t work, and Asher was still unsafe? Cal couldn’t live with that.

He blew out a breath. He’d stock up on nicotine patches and beer, and he’d get through this, taking care of his younger brother. And he’d do his damnedest to avoid Jenna until she stayed back in that little box he’d placed all the MacMillans in long ago. She had to stay there, because if not, he might just go insane.

Chapter Sixteen

“S
O,
C
AL’S GIRLFRIEND
is nice,” Asher said, cutting into his steak.

Cal groaned as utensils clattered on a plate, and Brent’s head shot up, those slate eyes burrowing into Cal. “Girlfriend?”

Asher looked confused. “Yeah, Jenna—”

“She’s not my girlfriend,” Cal cut him off. What she actually was, he didn’t know. But girlfriend? Definitely not. She was something else. Another category that he was trying to forget about.

Asher frowned. “I know she said she was just a friend, but you both throw off more-than-friend vibes. And then you guys kinda argued over the brownie mix in a weird way.”

Cal glared at him. “You are this close to being put back on a bus to Virginia.”

Asher winced and then lowered his eyes to his plate.

Cal softened his words by nudging the kid with his foot and shooting him a grin, which Asher returned.

“Whoa.” Brent’s hands were waving in the air. He was a dog with a bone now. “Jenna was here? Yesterday?”

Cal drained his beer. It had been halfway full.

“I like Jenna,” Max said conversationally.

“Spit it out, Cal,” Brent said.

“Can we not discuss this in front of the kid?”

“Hey, I’m sixteen! I don’t like girls anyway.”

Max’s fork fell on the floor. “What?”

Asher’s face paled somewhat, but he turned to his brother. “I’m . . . gay.”

The table was silent for a minute. Cal raised his eyebrows. He hadn’t seen that one coming.

Brent pointed his finger at Asher. “Nice diversion with the gay news, but I’m way more interested in why Jenna was here.”

Cal was done with this. “We spent the night together. She was here when Asher showed up, and that’s the end of the discussion.”

Asher picked at his napkin. “She was really nice to me. Got my room all set up, and then we ran into her at the grocery store. She made sure we got food that was healthy and easy to make because Cal isn’t so good at that.”

She’d also talked to Asher respectfully, like he was an adult. The kid was clearly craving some sort of parental unit, because he’d walked around the grocery store gazing adoringly at Jenna as she laughed with him and touched his forearm affectionately.

Brent was still looking at Cal through narrow eyes. “Yeah, she’s pretty damn amazing, isn’t she, Cal?”

“Brent—”

“You can’t threaten to put me on a bus, so shut up.”

“Look, it was one night, and that was it. Done.”

Asher’s head shot up, his face pale. “What?”

Cal frowned. “Look, kid, I don’t have time to get into it, but Jenna and I have . . . history. A lot of it. But that’s all it is. History. Past. Not present.”
Not future either.
Maybe if he told himself that enough times, he’d actually believe it.

Asher looked heartbroken. “B-but I like her. I was hoping we could do something to thank her for today.”

Well, shit. “Uh—”

Brent placed his chin in his hand. “I saw a box of brownies in your cabinet. Are they for something? Because if not, you should make those. And then take them over there and thank her in person. Women love that shit.”

Those fucking brownies.
Cal kicked Brent’s shin, and his brother didn’t even flinch but instead grinned at him.

Asher nodded eagerly. “Yeah, let’s make her those brownies! Girls like brownies, right?”

“Of course,” said Brent, still grinning.

“Everyone likes brownies,” Max added.

Cal worked on breathing deeply so he didn’t explode. Because this avoiding-Jenna plan? Well, he’d had it for about a half hour before it reached its first roadblock.

Fucking feelings.

“So what are you gonna do while you’re here, Asher?” Brent asked. “You want to help out at the shop?”

Asher perked up, like a puppy. “Wait, could I? For real?”

“I’m not sure if cars are really your thing, but—”

“Do you work on bikes too?” he asked.

Cal wanted this entire dinner to end, because none of these conversations were happy places for him. “Not right now, kid, but I’d like to.”

Asher’s face fell a little. “Oh, I wasn’t sure because I saw your bike, so I thought . . . ” He shook himself and focused on Cal. “Would you give me a ride on it?”

Cal frowned. The kid would need a better helmet, and the thought of putting him on the back of the bike made Cal anxious. “How’s this: you help out at the shop for a little bit, couple of weeks, and then I’ll see about getting you a ride on the bike.”

Asher made a fist pump. “Yessss.”

“Hey, kid?” Brent said.

“Yeah?”

He grinned. “You start tomorrow.”

J
ENNA SIPPED HER
wine and tried to focus on the text of her e-reader. It was a good part too. The hero was groveling. And he needed to grovel after the shit he pulled. The heroine was making him work for it and normally, this was the part Jenna loved.

But it was hard to concentrate when her mind kept drifting to Cal. She wanted to forget about him, toss the thought of him out with her trash, but that wasn’t possible. It was worse now, since he’d shown a little bit of the Cal she once knew. This Cal was harder, more cynical, and a hell of a lot more stubborn.

But he’d made it clear that he wanted to be alone. He didn’t want a relationship, not with her, not with anyone.

And she had dignity. She’d been this close to begging, but she’d been saved by the doorbell, thank God. She wasn’t going to chase Cal and try to convince him that she was worth it. It wasn’t a matter of his not being able to see a future with her; it was that he didn’t want to, she thought. And if he didn’t
want
to, there was no changing that.

He was happy on his little island all by himself.

And so there’d he stay.

Which made her as miserable as it made him.

There was a knock at the door, and Jenna checked the clock. It was almost nine at night. She stood up, straightening her cotton shorts and tank top.

She glanced through the peephole of her front door and blinked. But nope, her vision was correct. Cal and Asher stood on her front porch, the light by her door illuminating their faces in the dark. Cal was staring right at the peephole, just like he’d done Friday night.

Asher held a foil-covered dish.

She wished she could read body posture better, but the peephole didn’t allow for that. So she took a deep breath and opened the door.

Immediately, she smelled brownies.

Those damn brownies.

Asher held the dish higher, beaming ear-to-ear. “Hi, Jenna. I wanted to say thank you for today, so I made you brownies.”

She smiled at him. “That’s so sweet of you. Good thing you had those brownies on hand, huh?” She winked at Asher, who laughed. Cal said nothing, his face frustratingly blank.

She stepped back. “Well, why don’t you come inside. I bet you’d like some too, right?”

Asher’s cheeks reddened. “Yeah, sure, if that’s okay with you.”

She ushered him to walk past her, and she pointed down her hallway. “Go right ahead through to the kitchen.”

Asher trotted off, and she turned to Cal, who hadn’t moved. She leaned against the door. “You want some brownies too?”

He stepped inside, brushing his boots on the mat inside her door. Another step and he was in front of her, the door shut behind him.

It’d been less than twenty-four hours since they’d woken up in the same bed, since he’d been
inside
of her. Her mind wanted to forget, but her body sure as hell didn’t. Despite all the things they’d said to each other today, all the times he’d said he didn’t want a future with her, she couldn’t seem to slip her libido the memo.

He hadn’t shaved today, and a hint of gray was mixed in the scruff on his jaw. Those piercing eyes were on her, studying her. “Hey,” he finally said, his deep voice soft.

“Hi,” she answered.

Cal wore jeans and a T-shirt, his uniform, but hell, no one wore it better than him. His gaze shifted down the hall and then back to her. “Asher, uh, he likes you a lot.”

“I like him too.”

Cal ran his tongue over his teeth. “I realize that staying away from each other would be ideal, but, uh, I don’t know how that will fly with the kid. He’s got a shitty mom and you’re . . . well, you’re just about the opposite of shitty.”

“Such a flowery compliment.”

Cal’s lips tilted into a smile, and he scratched his head, a blush staining his cheeks. “Yeah, you know me. Poet.”

“So you trying to tell me that you’ll suffer through my presence to keep Asher happy?” She smiled, to take the sting out of the words.

“Should I pour some milk for us?” Asher called from the kitchen.

“Yep. Be there in a minute!” Cal yelled back.

“Cal—”

He stepped closer, right into her space. His chest brushed hers, the heat from his body seeping in to her skin. She sucked in a breath as those intense eyes locked on hers. “It’s not easy to be around you. I’ll be honest about that. Because you remind me of all the things I used to want. So yeah, it’s hard to look at you and not see everything I failed at. But that’s on me. That’s not your fault. I’m not sorry this weekend happened, but I am sorry if I hurt you. Believe me, that’s the last thing I want to do.”

Each sentence, each word, each syllable was a wave crashing against her. She struggled to breathe as the meaning behind what he was saying soaked her to the bone.

He wasn’t done. “And now, I got that kid out there who needs me, so that’s what I’m focusing on. You’re a part of what makes him happy, so I’m hoping you can stand being around me because of what it means to him.”

That was a lot of words for Cal. A lot of words and a lot of honesty. Really, did she expect any less? Cal wanted to pretend he had a hardened heart, but she didn’t believe that. Not one bit. Cal was tapped out? No more energy for someone else? That was all bullshit. The kid in the kitchen who’d stolen their hearts in one day proved otherwise.

She knew this was dangerous to slip into this surrogate parenting role for Asher. But how could she say no? “I’ll do anything to help Asher. And you.”

Cal nodded. He ducked his head and stepped back, hands on his hips.

“You guys coming?” Asher called.

“Yeah, coming now!” Cal called. He glanced at her, his lips shifting, and then he lunged forward, pressed a kiss to her forehead, and took off down the hallway. She was left staring at his back before she gathered herself together to join the guys in the kitchen.

Asher was standing over a plate of brownie crumbs. “I started without you guys. Hope that’s okay. They smelled really good.”

Jenna grabbed a plate and cut out a huge square of brownie. She needed chocolate. Like, yesterday. “So are you settling in okay?”

“I met my brothers!” This kid had the biggest eyes, and when he widened them, they took up his whole face.

“Ah, and how are Max and Brent?”

“They were really nice. And we had steaks and played video games. And they told me stories about how they grew up. And then Cal and I made you brownies to say thank you.” Asher pointed to the dish proudly.

Cal shoved a brownie in his mouth and then leaned against the counter, his eyes on Jenna. She wished he’d look away, at Asher, anything but stare at her with those damn eyes.

Asher spun his half-full glass of milk. “I wonder if my mom will call again. To ask me to come back.”

Jenna lifted her gaze to Cal, whose jaw had hardened. He looked away, and a muscle in his cheek ticked. “We’ll stay in touch with her and make sure when you do go back, you feel safe.”

The look of hero worship on Asher’s face as he gazed at Cal made Jenna’s chest ache.

This was dangerous, she knew, but in that moment, any other option seemed wrong. Asher wanted to feel safe and cared for, and the kid probably wanted a damn friend too. She could make excuses, tell them she was busy at work—which wasn’t a lie—but why crush the kid? He was already attached.

She met Cal’s gaze again over Asher’s bent head. He blinked once, those long dark lashes fanning his cheeks. Damn him, because no matter how much she knew that they didn’t have a future, that wouldn’t keep her from thinking all the dirty thoughts about him that she wanted, now that she had a vivid memory of what it was like to be with him. The man Cal, not the boy.

His eyes darkened a little, like he could read her thoughts.

She shoved another brownie in her mouth and turned away.