Disappearances (34 page)

They stopped their horses on a high rise, the valley spreading before them in colors of green, blue, brown, and purple, the hills undulating, the colors interwoven, a tapestry no one could duplicate. The wind sighed in the pines, that sweet, mournful sound that was so achingly beautiful. It stirred Paris’s mane, and Sadie reached down to grab a handful, which she held in her hand, loving the feel of the long, coarse hair.

Mark grinned at her. “You’ll always love horses, Sadie.”

“Just Paris. I usually have only one. Like husbands.”

Mark’s eyes darkened with the love he felt, and then he came close and kissed her, sending her heart into a lovely little flutter filled with rainbows of promise.

Tim was nervous. He paced the floor, wishing Mark and Sadie were home. At least Sadie could tell him what to do. A huge question lay heavily on his mind, and it was driving him crazy. How did one go about asking a girl for a date? The real thing? Not just hanging out with a bunch of his friends, Anna among them. He wanted to ask her for a date, the beginning of a serious relationship. He knew in his heart he loved her. He cared about her very deeply and worried about her battle with anorexia.

He had started instruction class, his heart yearning for God, wanting a personal relationship with Jesus Christ, his Savior. He felt at home now, knowing this way of life was what he wanted. So with all the peace he felt, why was his heart banging around somewhere in the region of his ribs? He was short of breath, his head hurt, the palms of his hands were perspiring, and he couldn’t hold still. He was completely miserable.

He sat on the couch, punched a green pillow, then sent it flying across the room. He wished Reuben would show up, just to take his mind off this looming mountain labeled “a date with Anna.”

Finally he went upstairs, leafed through the shirts in his closet.

Brown? Nah. Blue. Not that blue. And on and on. Indecision is a terrible thing, he decided.

When blessedly, Reuben did show up, driving Charlie to the hitching rack and then jumping out and yelling, Tim began laughing before he opened the window and stuck his head out.

“Come on up!”

“Right!”

In a minute, Reuben was clattering up the stairs.

“Where are Mark and Sadie?”

“Went riding. They left a note.”

Reuben was hungry and couldn’t believe Tim wanted nothing to eat, insisting that he had eaten, which wasn’t strictly a lie. He had choked down a slice of bread and peanut butter after church.

When had this conviction started? This steady pulverizing of his insides, this nervous churning of his thoughts? When he saw Anna sitting in church? Dressed in that dark royal blue with her snow-white cape and apron, her hair as smooth and dark as the night sky? Her eyes downcast, perfect dark half-moons framed with eyelashes. Her complexion was like pearls. Her mouth so perfect. Her innocence, the way she lacked confidence, made him want to stand tall by her side the remainder of her days.

But he was only who he was. That was the scary part. He checked his appearance in the mirror. Bad skin. Flat, nondescript eyes. Hair nothing that would turn heads. He was a nobody, really. What made him think he would ever be good enough? He knew that when a youth asked a girl for a date, it was supposed to be prayed about. He was supposed to seek guidance and obtain God’s leading and wisdom. But whenever he prayed about it, he got the same bunch of butterflies he had today.

He would just go ahead and ask and get it over with.

“What’s eating you?” Reuben wondered, opening a bag of potato chips with his teeth.

“Nothing. Why?”

Reuben shrugged.

The supper crowd was a nightmare. Neil Hershberger was there, looking better than ever, the most confident youth in attendance. Anna stood beside him to play volleyball, the whole game making Tim so miserable he left his place for someone else to take.

The hymn singing was no better. Anna sat across from Neil, her eyes alight with happiness, Tim watching the two of them from his vantage point at the end of the table. Finally when the singing came to a close, he knew he couldn’t take one more week of this. He was going to jump off this cliff of uncertainty. A flat no would be better than living like this.

Outside the night was almost heavenly. Every star in the sky twinkled and shone, spreading enough light with the help of the white half-moon, to be able to discern faces. Would she be out soon? He figured his best chance was to detain her as she went to Reuben’s buggy. He had brought his own team, which took some heavy explaining to Reuben. He needed the experience, his horse needed exercise, he wanted to get home earlier, they had a big roofing project to start in the morning. He could tell Reuben didn’t believe any of it.

Suddenly she was there. Straight across from him.

“Hey, Tee-yum!”

He thought he would crumble away in a dead faint, his heart’s rhythm being so severely taxed the way it was. Steady, now. In his mind, he felt like the captain of a ship, using every keen sense to guide it safely through uncharted waters.

“How are you, Anna?”

“I’m good.”

“Really?”

“Yes. Getting better.”

“Good.”

He kicked at the grass at his feet, already wet with the night’s dew.

“Can we … would you … ”

He stopped. This was all wrong. His ship had hit a sandbar.

“Anna, I’m too nervous to make any sense, okay? Would you allow me to take you home tonight?”

When her head went a bit sideways and she caught her breath, her hands going to her mouth, then a slow shaking of her head back and forth, his ship settled into the sandbar, broke apart, and sank to the bottom. His hope was gone. Maybe he hadn’t worded that right.

“Anna … ”

She was whispering something. He stepped forward, lowered his head.

“I said … I thought you would never ask.”

The ship became buoyant; all the pieces miraculously slammed together. It burst out of the water and went full steam ahead with every light on and all the music playing as the stars danced and sang a chorus of their own.

He wanted to grab her and crush her in his arms. What he did, his voice shaking now, was say, “Thank you, Anna. I’ll get my horse.”

In the barn his knees shook so badly he could barely walk. His hands trembled so severely he couldn’t get the bit in Reno’s mouth. Neil Hershberger swaggered over and offered assistance, but Tim told him he could get it, he had a new horse, not used to the bit.

“That’s your excuse,” Neil snickered.

“Yeah, well, looks like I have it under control,” Tim answered, as the bit slipped between Reno’s teeth.

Looks like I do, he thought happily to himself, his teeth chattering.

Anna helped him hitch up, lifting the shafts so he could back his horse between them. They fastened the harness to the buggy, the britchment to the snaps attached to the shafts, the long, heavy straps fastened to the collar, which they slipped on to the short metal bars at the end of the shafts. Anna hopped lightly into the buggy, when Reuben called.

“Hey, what’s up, Anna?”

She put her head out of the side of the buggy, saying Tim was taking her home.

Reuben came running up to Tim, slapped him hard across the back, crowing, “So that’s what was wrong with you today!”

Tim climbed into the buggy and Reno was off with a flying leap, leaving Reuben grinning in the dark.

The trip to Anna’s house was a dream, the kind where you never want to wake up, but just stay in that pleasant state forever. He couldn’t remember what she said or what he said. He came down to earth after they were settled on the porch swing, slowly rocking, the chain creaking in time to the constant movement. His knees had stopped shaking, his teeth no longer chattered. This was, after all, his Anna. The girl he had spent hours with. How could be have gotten so crazy?

It was the leap from an ordinary, everyday friendship to a serious relationship, in which you had to let the girl know your intentions were completely purposeful, pursuing her in the way that suggested you may want to have her for your wife someday. That was a big hurdle.

But she was so light. So fragile. He really needed to know how she felt about her bulimia.

“Are you doing better, the way you said?” he asked.

She nodded.

“I am.” She said it firmly.

“You’re still thin. How much do you weigh?”

“I won’t say.”

“Come on, Anna.”

“No.”

“I’ll carry you in and set you on the scales.”

“You don’t know where they are.”

“The bathroom?”

She hesitated.

He jumped up, turned, found her hands, tugged.

“Okay. But, Tim, this is huge. I haven’t weighed myself since you got mad. At least a few months ago.”

He still held her hands. He loved holding those thin, delicate hands.

“Quiet,” Anna warned.

They tiptoed across the kitchen. He noticed the orange glow of a kerosene lamp.

Good.

They both entered the bathroom. She picked up the scales, the large black letters behind the domed plastic lid, the elongated metal covered with black treads.

“Tee-yum?”

“What?”

They were whispering now, aware of the sleeping parents in the adjacent room.

“This takes a lot of courage for me.”

“It’s okay.”

“You won’t tell anyone?”

“Only if it’s below 100 pounds. Then I will.”

She stepped up, then put a hand on his arm, lifting her eyes to his.

“I can’t.”

She had never been more beautiful. The light of the kerosene lamp obliterated any shadows, casting her perfect face in a soft yellow light, her eyes luminous, pleading with him to help her.

How could he let her know his feelings for her? His emotions crashing and banging, the cymbals of love clashed their high sounds in his heart. He only wanted to convey his love. Slowly he lifted her hand and brought it to his lips. He kissed the tips of her fingers, then released her hand.

Her eyes were so large. What was the light in them? Did she actually feel the way he did?

Slowly his arms went to hers, his fingers encasing her elbows. Slowly he moved his hands to her shoulders, brought her small form against his chest, then searched her eyes.

“Anna?”

It was a question. A permission? In answer, her arms came up, stopped. He bent his head, his lips found hers, lightly. A feather touch.

“Tee-yum?”

He was strangling with feelings and couldn’t answer.

“Let’s not. I have to talk to you about … ”

“It’s alright, Anna. Sure.”

She sighed and looked down at the scales.

“Up you go,” Tim whispered.

She stepped up, brought her hands to her face, covered her eyes. Tim bent, stared at the number.

“One-oh-eight!” he hissed.

A sharp intake of breath, followed by Anna bending over to see for herself.

“I … gained a lot of weight,” she said, incredulous now. “My lowest was 93 pounds.”

“It makes me happy, Anna, and relieved. You’re doing an awesome job.”

“Am I?”

Firmly, he led her back to the porch swing and told her many things. She told him many things.

Reuben came home and sat on the porch rocker, his grin wide, his eyes glistening in the starlight. He told Anna he knew Tim was going to take her home, as strange as he had been acting. When he finally went to bed, they were both relieved, resuming their conversation.

She told him about Neil. He told her of his “lost” years. She told him about going out with Neil, the times she had let him kiss her, the convictions she had now.

“Tim, I need something better. I don’t want to be hurt again. At first, being touched, being close to Neil made me feel loved, wanted, and for a girl like me, I depend so much on that physical touch. But I do want something better, I just have to have enough courage to think someone … you … you like me.”

Tim grinned. “Well, Anna, it looks like I’m the luckiest guy in the world. The rest of my life, I want to let you know how much I love you.”

Anna gasped. “Tee-yum! Those are strong words!”

“And we’re not even dating, are we?” he said, laughing. “I plan on starting next weekend, if this girl will say yes.”

Anna laughed with him, then very soft and low said, “Yes.”

So they spent the evening on the same wooden porch swing where Mark and Sadie had sat. The same stars and moon hung low in the night sky over the same low buildings nestled on the side of the hill overlooking the Aspendale Valley.

Dat and Mam lay in the same bed, feigning sleep, wondering who was spending the evening with Anna, but in traditional Amish fashion, would not venture out to ask. This was all in secret. Parents were people to be ashamed of, respected, and definitely kept in the background until a couple had been dating for awhile, at least.

Leah’s and Rebekah’s weddings were scheduled in a few weeks, and now Anna was dating. Mam sighed. Dat thought girls left the house really fast after they finally got started.

Across Atkin’s Ridge, in the house snuggled under the pines, Sadie woke with a start, opened one eye to look at the face of her alarm clock—1:23.