Discipline (12 page)

Noah knew it was a deliberate change of subject; that Phan was closing at least part of the conversation for the time being; but, still, it was hard not to admire the man's technique as he started sucking the milkshake up the straw. It looked like it was taking a certain effort.

He decided it was best to let it go for now. He wasn't a therapist, he was a friend, and it wasn't his job to push.

He also thought it best not admire Phan's technique any further.

He stirred his milkshake up one more time and then made another effort to suck the frozen concoction up through the straw. He managed it this time, and once he got a mouthful he looked up with a grin. "B

movies and a cuddle?" he asked, picking up his glass.

"Yes, please." Phan followed him into the living room with his own glass and sat on the couch with his legs tucked up under him. "If I fall asleep just poke me. I have to be back by ten-thirty or Master will be pissed. And, frankly, I don't think I want another spanking today."

"I'll poke you if I'm awake myself," Noah teased. He settled himself on the couch as well, handed Phan the remote, and sucked on his milkshake. A curfew was good; it meant that Bradford would be waiting up for him. Besides, Noah expected that Tobias would keep with tradition and call by then as well.

"Maybe you should pick something we can stay awake watching."

Phan giggled. "My default is porn, and that's just not a good idea for us. Maybe something with explosions? Or a complicated plot? 'GosfordPark'?" He sucked on his milkshake until his cheeks hollowed again and set it aside. "Cuddle?" He looked like a little boy when he asked, all eyes and winsome smile.

"I fell asleep watching 'GosfordPark' the first time," Noah admitted. Tobias hadn't been happy with him.

"Come here." Noah laughed softly and held his arms out. "Do you do that adorable, boyish thing on purpose, or are you really just that cute?"

"I am just this cute," Phan assured him seriously. He wiggled and squirmed until Noah was about ready to bash him, but then all at once he settled and sighed happily. "Thanks. I've been looking forward to this.

Master just isn't asnuggler ."

"I wonder if he snuggles with Nikki. I mean, I assume they're sleeping together, right? I can't imagine Nikki not being acuddler . Not that I want too much detail on his sex life but... doesn't Nikki seem pretty tactile to you?" He'd been curious about that relationship for a long time now, and now that Phan was living there, Noah wondered if he might have some insight.

"Nikki's a screamer," Phan said succinctly. "And probably too dead tired to do more than sleep when Master's done with him."

Noah laughed out loud. "The more I learn about that kid, the more I like him. Comfy?" Noah tucked his arms tighter around Phan and looked at the TV.

"Uh-huh. And Nikki is in total awe of you, you know? Mind, he'd give a body part to play with Sir.

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You, he likes to look at -- thinks your submission at your collaring was a thing of beauty. And he's right, of course. But Sir made him come in his pants the night he fucked you outside the Domino."

"Oh, my God, the Domino," Noah groaned just thinking about it. "Holy shit, that was incredible. What a night."

"I think that's what everyone says," Phan teased. "But we're doing it again, kiddo. I'm not supposed to be spending all my time with you talking about you and Sir. I'm supposed to be watching movies, cuddling, and being... well, with you. Because you're you and I like you."

"There's not much of me to talk about if it doesn't include Sir," Noah said softly. "I like you, too." Noah kissed him on the top of his head. "I believe I am supposed to be giving you a place to vent without worrying about breaking any rules. Wasn't that how this started? As part of your therapy?"

Phan snuggled in a little more. "Yeah. And now there are just so many rules to break..." He sighed softly.

"Sir never had so many."

"Maybe he did, but it's just more work now than it was then, so it seems like more?" Noah asked, noting that Phan sounded sleepy. Well, if he wanted a nap, Noah wasn't about to stop him.

"Maybe. Maybe it's 'cause all my new rules are about the house and not about the other stuff." Phan looked up at him and blinked slowly. "You're warm. Did you know that getting the bath temperature wrong is a spanking offense? And that Master knows precisely how long it takes to let the water cool to just the wrong side of the allowed temperature?"

"You're kidding me. That's just... anal retentive." Noah snorted and grinned. "He lets it cool on purpose?"

"Oh, yeah. Well, no. But maybe. I get it right now. And a bunch of other things. Actually, I think he hates the rules as much as I do, but it's working. Slowly, but it is. It gives me something to focus on."

Phan yawned and pressed closer, his head buried in Noah's chest. "Aside from your finebod , of course."

"You're really trying to get me in trouble aren't you?" Noah smiled, petting Phan's hair. "I'll make sure you're awake in time," he promised, coaxing Phan to sleep. He picked up the remote and flipped the channels.

He thought Phan might have mumbled something, but as it ended in a soft huffing snore, maybe not.

Tobias watched Noah carefully on Friday night. He knew that he'd been far too emotional himself to meet all of Noah's needs since the night Phan had crashed, but things appeared to beleveling out a bit. He was concerned for Phan, of course, but he'd meant it when he said Noah was his priority.

And now, with Phan safely under Bradford's direction as well as his care, Tobias could move past his emotions and begin to repair whatever damage he'd done to his relationship with Noah. He'd thought long and hard about where to start, and when he'd talked to Noah after his visit with Phan, Tobias had reached the inevitable conclusion that everything had to start with truth, from them both.

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After supper was done and put away, he gestured for Noah to follow him and went upstairs to the safe room. "Affirmation, pet," he said softly as they walked into the room. "On the bed so we're comfortable

-- this could take a while."

He took off his shirt but left his trousers on and had Noah strip to nothing but his collar and rings. Tobias thought Noah was rarely more beautiful than like this, wearing the symbols of his status. Smiling, he sat and opened his arms, drawing Noah near and holding him tight with his own legs and arms until their breathing was steady and measured and he felt Noah relax against him.

"Is there anything you want to talk to me about?" Tobias asked softly. "Anything at all, pet. Tell me, please." It was a leading question; Tobias knew exactly what Noah wanted to talk about.

Noah seemed to think about it a bit before answering. "Yes, sir. I think maybe we should talk about Phan, sir. I've been wondering if his visits with me are a good idea after all." Noah leaned his head back on Tobias' shoulder. "Tuesday was... nice mostly, but it was a little awkward, too."

Tobias nodded, more to himself than to Noah. When they'd spoken on the phone after Phan had gone home, Tobias had thought Noah was a little flustered, but he hadn't pushed to find out why. Some things were better left to process and talk about in person. "What happened?" he asked gently.

Noah sighed. "We were talking about you, and I told him about our session in your office last weekend.

Maybe I shouldn't have, but he asks about you all the time and what we're up to, and I didn't see any harm in telling him about something I thought was really amazing. Anyway, he ended up hard and I ended up hard... he excused himself to the bathroom, which was fine and when he came back he..." Noah's voice trailed off. "God, I felt like such a jerk."

Tobias found himself blinking, unsure of what exactly to say -- unsure of what he felt, if he was honest with himself. "Did you have sex with him?" he asked, trying to keep his voice neutral.

"Oh, no. No, sir," Noah answered quickly along with a shake his head. "But he offered. He definitely offered. I told him I couldn't, and I sort of escaped."

Interesting.

"And how did Phan take that?" he asked, not particularly bothered by Phan propositioning Noah --

they'd all known it would happen. What intrigued him was Noah's reaction.

"I'm not sure. He looked disappointed but like he understood. He said 'maybe next time' and kind of smiled at me. I actually think he... well, I think he took it better than I did. Which is what I wanted to talk about." Noah sighed again. He seemed a little edgy, not as relaxed as he had been a few moments ago.

"Okay," Tobias said slowly. He had a fairly good idea where the conversation was going now; he knew his boy well, and he'd watched Noah and Phan together. "I'm... well, why don't you tell me and we'll go from there, sweetheart."

Noah didn't blurt it out in a rush, he took his time with his confession, speaking thoughtfully, and sounding less worried about Tobias' reaction than just disappointed in himself. "He touched me," Noah told him. "He ran his hand over my stomach and hugged me from behind, and then I turned him down.

But when I was finally alone I couldn't stop thinking about him. I... fantasized about him while I jerked off." Noah hugged Tobias' arms to his chest. "I'm sorry, sir."

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"For what?" Tobias asked, honestly curious. "You were horny. He was there and offering, and it's not like you don't like him. It's not like you've never had sex with him before. None of us has ever pretended that you two aren't attracted to each other." Tobias thought for a moment, his hands rubbing at Noah's arms. "Would you have felt guilty if I'd been there, or if I'd given you permission?"

"No, if you'd been there I'd have followed your lead. But the point is that I didn't have your permission and you weren't there. I wanted to take him up on his offer, sir. That's what I feel guilty about. He's working so hard, and I'm supposed to be supporting him, not fantasizing about him. I'm worried that if he hadn't taken it so well, if he'd pushed..." Noah sighed heavily. "I don't know what I would have done. I don't trust myself around him anymore."

"Ah." Tobias worried at that for a moment. "I'm... I'm really not sure what to say," he finally admitted.

"Do you want to stop seeing him?"

"No, I want to get my damn self-control back," Noah said stubbornly. "I like spending time with him, and he needs to get away from Master Bradford once in a while, you know? I just... don't want to do something that won't be good for him."

"Okay," Tobias said. "As I see it, I can let this go one of two ways. But I admit that I'm reluctant to...

well, to call it as I see it, frankly. Noah, you're my priority, but I don't think you really feel that at the moment, which is my fault, I know. But if I start talking about what's best for Phan, I feel like I'm not talking about what's best for you. Does that make sense? If you feel like what's best for him isn't good for you, than I can't encourage you to keep going."

Noah nodded. He seemed to need a moment to process that. "I don't actually know if I feel that I'm your priority right now or not, sir, but that's not entirely your fault. I've been pretty focused on Phan, too, you know?" Noah shifted slightly. "So, why don't you tell me what you think is best for him, and then we'll talk about whether or not it's good for me. As two separate things. Does that work?"

Tobias laughed softly. "I don't know if it will, sweetheart. What's best for Phan at this point might be something you're just not comfortable with me even thinking about. Once it's said, it's out there and has to be dealt with."

Noah leaned into Tobias a bit more heavily, and his sigh sounded worried. "Well. Then I guess you need to decide if you should say it or not, sir. I trust you to know what's best."

Tobias rolled his eyes. So much trust. "I want you to do what feels right at any given moment, pet," he said finally. "Not what feels good, but right. If that means that Phan is needy and clinging and you think it's right to hold him, then do it. If you feel like he's hitting on you because it's a defense against something else, then turn him down. And if you feel like you're getting lost in it all, being forgotten in his pain, then send him away."

"I don't feel lost, sir. I've never felt that way," Noah's tone was cautious. "I do wonder sometimes if he's more turned on by you, or well, by stories about you, than he is by me, though. And that I happen to be there, you know? The whole story I told him about you chasing me around your office -- he kept asking questions about exactly what you were doing to me. I felt a little like he was trying to put himself in my shoes. That was part of what had me concerned."

"That could be," Tobias said, considering it. "I don't know, to tell you the truth. He wanted that, so maybe he was. But he also likes to watch, and he's more than a little attracted to you. You could ask him?"

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"I don't know how to bring it up." Noah snorted. "Hey, Phan, are you getting off on me or Sir when I tell you these stories?" He sighed. "Doesn't sound very good."

"So stop talking about me," Tobias suggested. "Or at least about sex with me."

"If you think I should, I will, but he'll ask me why. You're the first person he asks about usually."

"He seems a little... fixated," Tobias said. "I'll mention it to Bradford." He took a breath and decided to trust in Noah's ability to know himself a little longer. With a sense of throwing a lamb to the lions, or perhaps of opening Pandora's box, he said, "Now. Tell me the utter truth, sweetheart. If I gave you blanket permission to do as you wanted with him, what would you do? What would you think and feel?"

Noah was silent for a long while. He shook his head slowly, then finally shrugged. "I don't know. I think it would depend on the moment. This past Tuesday, I'd have still said no. Another day, different reasons, different situation? I really have no idea. He likes comfort from me. He likes me to hold him tightly and let him just be. You know? I could see it happening as an extension of that, the comforting thing, if I thought he needed me. But I'm not sure I could get completely past the idea that I would be betraying you. I'm not sure I could do it and not feel guilty anyway. I know I'd have to tell you about it, talk it out, see if you thought I made the right decision." Noah cleared his throat. "God, it's so complicated."