Disclosures - SF4 (38 page)

Jamie let out yet another heavy sigh as she stood to her full height and blinked her eyes slowly. "I have one question, Ryan. Do I have anything to worry about?"

The question was so simple, and Ryan knew in her heart that Jamie never had to worry about her fidelity. But she was certain that her partner would view the events of the afternoon in a very harsh light, and that knowledge caused her to hesitate.

A hesitation that was misinterpreted with disastrous results. A panoply of emotions crossed the smaller woman’s face, each one driving a stake into Ryan’s heart. "Let’s get this over with," she said stoically as she started to walk back into the house.

"No!" Ryan grasped her shoulders and held her still, staring into her eyes as she summoned her confidence. "You have
nothing
to worry about, Jamie." The relief that flooded her partner’s features nearly caused Ryan to lose her composure again, but she was truly out of tears. "I love you with all my heart, and I always will."

"I believe you, Ryan." The confidence in her voice matched the look in her eyes, and Ryan thanked God for blessing her with such an extraordinary woman. Jamie extended her hand and Ryan grasped it as they walked back into the house, together.

Jamie remembered to snag a Pepsi on the way back to the living room, just to give the impression that she really had been seeking a beverage. Sara was sitting right where they had left her, looking terribly uncomfortable. When she caught sight of them, she stood and addressed Jamie. "I know you would probably rather have just about anyone else in your living room right now, but I just came to try to apologize to Ryan. If you want me to leave, I will."

"No…no, I'm sorry for the way I reacted, Sara. It was just a shock." She reached out and took Sara’s hand again, shaking it firmly. "I’m usually housebroken," she added with an abashed smile.

Ryan sat down on one of the upholstered chairs, and her partner perched right on its arm, hovering over her lover protectively. Ryan looked up at her and gave her an indulgent grin as she placed her hand on Jamie's thigh.

"What did I miss?" Jamie looked from one woman to the other, a bit unhappy to see guilty looks flash between them.

Ryan pointed to the pile of spent tissues on the table and said, "Mostly you missed an emotional meltdown. I think I’m at least a quart low," she added, taking a gulp of her Gatorade.

Now that Jamie looked more carefully at both women she could see that they had been crying. "Do you want me to leave you alone for a while?" she asked. "I know you’ve got a lot of things to talk about, and I don’t want to interfere."

Ryan squeezed her knee and gave her a grateful smile, but she declined her offer. "I want you to stay, Honey." She paused a bit and let her insecurities show for a second. "I need you to stay."

Jamie nodded, sliding her arm around Ryan’s shoulders as she leaned over. "I’m here for you, Ryan," she said softly, just loud enough for her partner to hear.

"Well…" Ryan addressed Sara, giving her an encouraging smile. "I think we’re both cried out—let’s start at the top."

Sara nodded and took in a breath, trying to form her chaotic thoughts into coherent sentences. "I suppose I need to go all the way back," she finally said. "I need to talk about what happened…that night."

Ryan nodded her encouragement, rubbing Jamie’s thigh as she said, "Jamie knows all about this, Sara. We don’t have any secrets."

"Okay," she said, letting out a ragged breath. "I was a mess when we woke up the next morning, Ryan, as I’m sure you detected." Ryan gave a short nod, not wanting to interrupt. "A very large part of me wanted to lock the door and spend the rest of my life in your arms." A look of shock crossed Ryan’s face and Jamie tightened her hold when she felt her partner tense. "I know I didn’t give that impression, but it was true," she said softly. "But I was also terribly confused. I had known you since you were seven years old, Ryan," she said plaintively. "I felt closer to you than anyone on earth—much more like a sister than just a friend."

Ryan considered that and had to agree that Sara had been as dear to her as her brothers were.

"I didn’t know what it meant to have you touch me that way," she said softly. "Were we still friends? Was I a lesbian? It was just too much for me, and I needed to figure it out before I could face you again. I know, in retrospect, that I should have talked to you about it, but I didn’t. I talked to my mother."

"Did you tell her everything?" Ryan asked softly, still remembering the look of pity on Mrs. Andrews’ face when she told her that Sara no longer wanted to see her.

"Yes…yes I did," she murmured, staring at the floor. "I thought she could help me sort things out. It took me a long time to understand that she just made it so much worse."

"What happened, Sara?" Jamie’s voice floated past Ryan’s ear, filled with so much compassion that Ryan was a bit startled.

"She convinced me that it had been a big mistake," Sara muttered, obviously angry with both herself and her mother. "She said that Ryan had acted really inappropriately with me, and she stressed that I was not like that." Thinking that Jamie had probably been taken in by her mother’s delusions about a fiancé, she added, "I was, and I am, like that, Jamie."

Jamie nodded slightly, now even more disturbed by the perfume that still lingered on Ryan’s body. As she felt her partner tense, it was Ryan’s turn to comfort Jamie, squeezing her thigh gently.

"I honestly thought that if I could get away from Ryan, I could get away from these feelings." She dropped her head into her hands and mumbled, "Part of me still believes that."

"Is that why you’ve never tried to contact me?" Ryan’s face was an unreadable mask, but Jamie knew her well enough to know that she was consciously trying to hide her hurt.

Sara nodded, her brown hair barely moving across her shoulders. "I didn’t…I don’t…want to be gay," she sighed.

Jamie gave her a look that was filled with empathy, having been through the same dilemma just a short while before. Sara straightened her shoulders and looked at Ryan once again. "I didn’t come here to talk about myself. I want to know about you. Tell me what happened after…the incident."

Ryan took a breath and decided to tell the unvarnished truth. "I went off the deep end," she admitted. "My father sent me to Ireland for the summer and by the time I got back, I had gotten it clear in my mind that I was a lesbian. But I so was ashamed of myself that I kept it secret from my family. I started to hang out on Castro and I got in with a much older crowd. I started drinking and having sex with a lot of strangers. It was the lowest point of my life," she said, looking up at Sara with sad blue eyes.

Jamie reached out and laid her hand over Ryan's. She slowly closed her fingers and held Ryan's hand in hers in a show of support.

Ryan gave her a slow smile and continued, "My first semester grades came and this was the first tangible sign that Da could use to get through to me. I had a C minus average that term and I thought he would die of shock."

"But Ryan, you were always a straight A student! School was so easy for you!"

"I didn't do any homework, Sara. I didn’t turn in papers or study for tests. Actually a C minus is pretty good considering how little I did. I honestly didn't care if I finished school at all at that point. I just wanted to drink and screw the pain away."

Sara gazed straight into her eyes and said, "I'm so sorry, Ryan. I can't say it enough, even though I know it doesn't change anything."

Ryan smiled gently and continued with her story. "Brendan finally got through to me. I honestly think he saved my life. He sat me down and would not let me leave until I told him what was wrong. He was so supportive and soon afterward I told the other boys and Da and Aunt Maeve. They were all great about it, and I started to get back to my normal self. But none of the coaches that were recruiting me felt confident enough to waste a scholarship on me, especially after I was forced to quit every team. I still don’t understand why I didn’t make an attempt to get an academic scholarship to Cal or even Stanford, but I just didn’t. Da thinks I was punishing myself, but in retrospect I think I was clinically depressed. The thought of going to Cal and not playing on the soccer team was just too painful, so I didn’t even try to get a scholarship. I worked full time for two years and then I enrolled at USF. I transferred to Cal last year, and now I'm on track to graduate this June."

"You worked full time right out of high school?" she asked incredulously. "What kind of job can you get in San Francisco without a college degree?"

"I went to school to become a personal trainer," she said with a justifiable amount of pride. "I've done well with it, too. I still do it at a gym here in Berkeley."

Sara looked confused for a moment and asked, "Something just registered. Did you say you were forced off your teams? What do you mean by that?"

"Because the girls didn't want me on them anymore after they found out I was gay. I just didn't have the strength to fight anymore, so I quit."

"After all that had happened, why did you tell everyone?" she asked, clearly confused.

"I didn't tell a soul, Sara. You did," she said somberly.

Sara jumped up from her place on the sofa. She stood above Ryan, shaking from head to toe. "Ryan! I did no such thing! I never told anyone at school or any of my friends. I would never betray you like that!"

"Then how did they find out?" she asked, unsure if her friend was telling the truth.

"I swear I did not tell one other soul, Ryan." Sara was shaking from a combination of shame and rage. "There's only one other person who knew. If you didn’t tell, it had to be my mother."

Ryan looked as puzzled as Sara did angry. "But why?" she asked sadly. "Why would she do that to me?"

A cold fury settled on Sara’s face and she vowed, "I don’t know why, but I’m going to find out." She turned on her heel and strode towards the door, surprised when Ryan caught up to her before she got a hand on the doorknob.

"Don’t." Ryan’s tone was firm and Sara stopped completely, her shoulders sagging as she let the feelings in.

She turned and fell into Ryan’s arms again, another round of tears on the way. Ryan shot a helpless glance at Jamie, who gave her an encouraging nod, now feeling somewhat satisfied that Sara’s perfume clung to her partner because of Ryan’s desire to comfort her.

"I’m sorry," Sara gasped. "I just…I’m just so damned sorry!"

"It’s okay, Sara," Ryan soothed, guiding her back to the love seat. Sara dropped down rather gracelessly, wiping her eyes with her hands. Ryan dashed into the kitchen and brought her a fresh box of tissues and a Pepsi. "Are you still a Pepsi fan?" she asked softly, offering the drink.

A fresh round of tears met this small remembrance, and Sara reached out a shaking hand to take the can. After a few long sips she regained her composure and looked at both Ryan and Jamie with a good deal of embarrassment. "I know it must seem like I’m emotionally unstable, but I swear this is an anomaly for me."

"I can vouch for her, Jamie," Ryan said with a fond gaze in her friend’s direction. "I’ve only seen her this way once before."

Sara gave her a puzzled glance and Ryan smiled back at her. "When Fluffy died," she reminded her, referring to Sara’s beloved Himalayan cat that had passed away when she was in seventh grade.

A fond smile greeted this memory. "I think this is worse than that, Ryan," she said with a small laugh. "Although Fluffy was pretty special," she added for the record.

A fond, meaningful gaze passed between the two women, and Jamie realized with a stab of regret that these two would always have a bond that she would never be able to share. She fervently wished that it was she who had known the young Ryan, who had watched her mature into a young woman. She felt a sting of anger at Sara for letting the opportunity to love this extraordinary creature slip through her fingers, but she stopped short when she realized that if that had happened, Ryan surely would not have been available to her. In a completely selfless musing she thought,
I would give her up if that could spare her the pain that Sara caused her. If I could turn back time, I swear I would make Sara face the truth and love Ryan like she deserved to be loved.
But she knew that she could not change the past. All that she could do was help her lover get through the pain—and promise that she would never cause her similar sorrow.

"I know you want to confront your mother about all of this, Sara, but please don’t do it while you’re so upset. Give yourself some time to calm down first. Please."

Sara nodded, agreeing with Ryan’s advice. "I don’t relish the thought of bringing all of this up while I’m supposed to be studying for the bar exam anyway," she said with a shudder. "It’s in less than a month!"

There was an uncomfortable silence that stretched on for a few minutes. Looking down at her partner, Jamie could see that Ryan was deep in thought. After a moment the pensive woman looked over at Sara and asked, "Something doesn’t seem right here."

Sara’s brow furrowed and she cocked her head slightly, looking to Ryan to elaborate.

"If your mother intentionally spread the information about me, why would she tell you about seeing me in church? That just doesn’t make any sense." One thing Jamie had learned long ago was that Ryan could not tolerate situations that did not seem logical. Knowing Ryan, this lack of logic would bother her nearly as much as the betrayal.