Disconnected (8 page)

Chapter Fourteen

Beth is quiet as we drive down Cicero Avenue. I'm wondering what she has in mind, yet I don't ask. I kinda like the peace for a while. Though my mind begins to wander too.

You should just call him and ask, Milly. What would it hurt? Ya know?
Amelia says in response to my obsessive thoughts over the journal, wondering if Blake might have had it. If so, he must have read every inch of it. I stop that and ponder on what Amelia is saying about just asking him. It's the first good idea she's had in a long time and she sounds genuinely concerned for the both of us at this point. Maybe she's worried about getting locked up in a psych ward over it.

I make it a point to conjure up the guts to call him later. Well, maybe; we'll see how the night goes.

More quiet time has elapsed between Beth and me. Then she breaks the twenty-minute silence.

“Hey, mind if I stop to get something at the store real fast?”

“Yeah, what is it?”

“Oh, you'll see,” she laughs as she pulls into the Walgreens parking lot. “Wait here, I'll be right back.” She unbuckles her seatbelt and slides out.

“Okay, but hurry up.”

As she runs inside, I sit back, hoping to relax, but it feels like there's ants crawling in my veins right now that I just can't seem to shake out of me.

I watch a group of people walking across the street to the McDonald's nearby and notice one of them has bluish-black hair. My heart races like a buzzing alarm clock and it's hard to settle it down. I see her in the window of a store. Wait—is she behind the glass or in front? She looks 3-D-ish, as if she's standing in the glass.

I look to see if Beth's coming, but not yet. I turn my head again and see a shadow standing against my door. Dear God! She's right there!

No, no! I am not seeing this.
Just close your eyes, Milly. Close your eyes tight!
Amelia's scared too, I can feel it. Instantly I squeeze my eyes shut and then open them again.

“Are you gonna sleep or open the door for me?” Beth says. Thank God!

I unlock the door and Beth sits in the driver's seat with a small plastic bag in her hand. She then starts the engine up.

“So what did you get?”

She unravels the bag and takes it out.

“What the hell, Beth!”

“Come on, Mill. I'm eighteen already. It's not like I never had sex before,” she says with a grimace. “Hey, who knows, maybe you'll need one too.”

She stuffs the packet of condoms in her purse and peels out of the parking lot and back onto Cicero Ave.

Man, what have I gotten myself into? I'm so disappointed in Beth. Why does she feel the need to spread her legs just to get a guy?

***

We pull up just across the street since there's really nowhere else to park. The night is cool and breezy, I'm guessing about sixty-some degrees. Spring is in full swing, with the maple buds peppering the strong branches and flowers blooming on people's front yards.

Matt's house is huge and it takes us a while to even get on the premises. Rainbow-colored tulips line up along the side of the driveway. The pavement is made with a small cobblestone pattern. Looks like something from the 1800s. And the landscaping has got to be professionally done, like Aunt Rachel's home. I think of Blake again. Maybe he even works around here. He did mention he knows this area. But boy, oh boy…you sure can tell Matt's parents have money.

Groups of people flock to the entrance of the house while others seem to be standing around waiting for someone or something. Already the place is trashed. Beer cans lie strewn about the lawn and toilet paper hangs from the trees. I feel sorry for whoever has to clean this up afterwards—probably someone like Blake, 'cause it sure won't be pretty-boy Matt that's gonna do it.

I'm eager to get inside, not so much for Amelia's sake and the Matt thing, but to find out who called me earlier.
Oh, don't worry about that right now—Matt first!
Amelia reminds me again of why we are here. She says it to me like we're on a mission or something.

“So do you think I'll get to talk to him tonight, Mill?” Beth asks me as we get to the front doors. I realize she's been rambling this whole time about her crush. “So Mill, do you think Lance will notice me?”

“Oh, yeah. I mean, I guess. We'll just have to see,” I say, trying to sound hopeful. But in all reality, I don't think Lance will give her the time of day. And I seriously doubt if I'll be able to connect with Matt.

We walk right in. The party's underway and it's only a little after nine. Beth and I float around the room like two little lost ghosts no one is even spooked out about. Not yet, at least. I'm beginning to think that no one will ever really notice us. It isn't until Jenny Stevens arrives that someone says something. Her big boobs are bouncing like a huge piece of unnecessary fat as she runs up to us.

“Oh, hey Beth, over here,” Jenny waves to us, well mainly Beth not me. Beth is much friendlier with Jenny than I am.

I can hear Amelia inside my thoughts already
. Just look at her. Jenny “rumorville” with her tight skinny jeans and big flowing locks is gonna take your best friend away from you and you are not even gonna know what hit ya.
It does bother me a bit that Beth and Jenny seem to be hitting it off lately, but I don't want to be that kind of friend that gets too clingy. Even though Amelia worries and threatens that at any moment Beth won't be friends with me anymore, I try to shrug it off.

“So you want to get some beers? Matt's got a keg downstairs. That's where everyone's pretty much at. Wanna go with me, Beth?” Jenny says, trying to weasel her way in between us.
Don't you see what's happening here, Milly? You better say something, or I will!
God and she invites Beth and not me? What's up with that crap? She knows full well how close Beth and I are.

“Jenny, can you give us a minute?” I say to her, tugging at Beth's pink parka.

“Umm, yeah, sure, I'll just wait in the kitchen.” Jenny then walks off as I pull Beth to the side.

“Are you sure you wanna be here?” I ask her, hoping she'll say no and that we can leave and do something else—something far less nerve-racking.

“Of course, silly. What's gotten into you, Mill? I thought you wanted to be here too.” She looks at me as if I have asked her something off the wall. And who knows, maybe it was a little off to ask? But right now I'm starting to feel uncomfortable, like maybe we'll split up at the party and I won't be able to find her or something and I'll be left all alone.

“Well let's just stick together, okay?” I ask her, but say it in a stern voice like telling her instead.

“Sure, Mill. You got it.”

***

Most of the crowd is downstairs, smoking and drinking and having a good time.

Everyone except me. Even Beth is having fun as she stands at the built-in bar along the wall while I sit here on the couch like a lump on a log. The only excitement I've had so far is thinking about the unknown caller.

The unheard voice mail message burns in my mind so much it is creating deep dark holes. I actually think I'm falling through them. Either that or I am just dying of boredom.

As I sit here moaning and groaning to Amelia inside my mind, I glance over to Lance and Matt, standing behind the counter serving drinks like they're bartenders. Beth is doing a shot, so I get up and walk toward her.

This is b.s. I know I agreed to let Beth drink, but shots? What the hell is she thinking?

“Beth shouldn't you be slowing down a little?” I ask her.

“Whatha? You kiddin' me,” she slurs out. “Lance is telling me all about his new hockey moves. Come on, Mill, join us.”

Milly, you promised. You're blowing it for me. You know how pathetic you look right now? Just have fun. Relax like I've been telling you. Have a drink.
Amelia rambles on and on about how I should unwind and have a few, but I refuse to drink and that's it. I'd rather go into the bathroom and cut myself to release some of the Amelia crap than have a drink. So that doesn't happen. But what does happen is that I start to ease off Beth and try my hardest to relax. I figure they're all drunk anyway, including Matt, so he probably won't remember any of this, even if I do talk to him. So I give it a royal try.

I take a seat at the bar and join the conversation like I've been sitting there for a while, hoping no one will notice I sound a little lame doing it. Matt and Lance are talking about senior year and how it is so far. Lance mentions the upcoming events like prom and graduation.

“Yeah, so what are your plans after high school?” I ask them all. Beth is sitting next to me, looking like she is ready to either puke or lie down. I ask her softly off to the side if she's okay and she nods her head “yeah” so I leave it at that.

“Gotta scholarship to Norwich up in Vermont,” Matt says, before chugging down a beer. “Where you going?” He turns to me and asks.

“Not sure yet,” I mumble under my breath.
You're going to the loony bin, that's where you're going,
Amelia whispers in my thoughts. Suddenly after giving in to her for the very reason of this party, and then her saying that to me, makes me pissed off. Why does she have to say such things to me? I begin to wonder why I even chose to be here. My mind wanders off a bit and I look to the side.

“Well, I'm hopin' to go somewhere on the West Coast, like California or something. That's where all the hot chicks are,” Lance pipes in. He's twirling around a bottle of Jack Daniels like some juggler, but it winds up bouncing off the end of the bar and rolling onto the cushiony mats behind him. “Oh, dude man, sorry ' bout that, ha! Didn't think that was gonna happen.”

I turn around and see the whiskey has sprayed on Beth a bit, but she just sits there giggling away. What she's laughing about is beyond me. She looks goofy, flailing around in the chair. “Need a napkin here,” she says, in between giggles. Lance runs around the bar, grabs some paper towels and starts patting her chest down—and seems to be enjoying himself a bit too much. And Beth is letting all this happen. God! If she wasn't so buzzed, she'd be thinking clearly right now. It's pissing me off to the point I step in and say something.

“Maybe we should go to the bathroom and clean you up, Beth.”

“No, seriously, I'm fine. It was just a little spill.”

“Okay then, whatever.” I'm through babysitting her. If she wants to party like this, buying condoms and getting drunk, then…whatever, who am I to stop her?

Matt then comes around from the bar and walks toward me.

“So you wanna go somewhere? Outside maybe, so we could talk?” He gestures to the stairs. Finally some relief. It really is smoky in here and stepping outside for some fresh air would really help right now, so I teeter on agreeing. But I can't help but wonder what he sees in me that he would even bother.

Just do it. This is our opportunity to get closer to him. He likes you, Milly. Why, I don't know. Just play along, okay? For me?

I tap Beth on the shoulder as she's slumped over on the bar “Are you okay with this?”

She lifts up her head and slurs out a “huh?” to me.

“Is it okay if I go with Matt outside for a while?”

“Oh, sure. That's fine,” she says back to me, waving her hand in front of her face as if bugs are flying above her head.

“Sure?” I ask again. In the pit of my stomach, I feel that maybe it isn't such a good idea to leave her alone.

“Don't worry guys. Go! Have a good time, I'll watch her for ya,” Lance spits out from behind the bar. “She'll be fine.”

“Yeah, go. I think I'll lie on the couch for a while. Don't worry, Mill.”

“Okay, but I think we should go soon after, okay?” I say to her.

“Yeah, yeah. See you in a bit, you guys have fun.” She then lays her head back down on the bar.

“Here, let me help,” Lance says as he runs to her aid again, putting her one arm around his shoulders and walking her to the couch in the corner of the room.

Come on, Milly! Here's our chance!
And as Amelia continues to persuade me to be with Matt, I decide to follow him upstairs and outside.

Chapter Fifteen

Outside, Matt turns to me and says, “I need to do something real quick. Be right back.”

“Okay.”

I watch him go back into the house and decide to take a seat at the patio table. I wait a few minutes, then a few more. It seems to be taking him longer than expected. Amelia tells me to just wait a little longer, while I tell her that he probably ditched us. When I am about to get up, Matt comes back with two bottles of beer in his hand.

“Sorry it took me so long,” he says, setting the bottles on the table. “I got caught up talking to Jenny Stevens of all people. Man, she's a chatter box. How can you guys stand it?”

“Oh, I don't know. Seems Beth doesn't mind her.” I look at my cell phone and check the time—10:09 p.m. I promised Aunt Rachel and Grandpa George I'd be back by midnight. And in that moment, as I glance back at my phone, I am reminded of the unknown caller.

“Here,” he says, taking one of the beer bottles and waving it in my face. “Have a drink.”

“Oh, no thanks,” I say, waving him off.

“Ah c'mon, loosen up, Milly. Here take it.” He tries to put it in my hand.

Come on, Milly. Just take it. You're ruining it for us
, Amelia says. The tension is rising in my chest. My body stiffens. If it's one thing I'm not going to be convinced of doing, it's this. Not when I have to drive.
Just do it,
she demands. “No,” I shout out. “I said no!”

“Okay, okay. I got it. So you don't wanna drink.” He pulls the bottle back, cracks it open and chugs some of it down. There's several seconds of awkward silence. Amelia's rambling in my head that I'm ruining it for her. Just when I think the conversation is over, he slurs out something about Beth.

“What about Beth?” I have to ask again.

“She told me what happened. You know, the fire and all.”

I don't say anything. I don't know why he's bringing this up now. It seems so out of the blue. And when has he been talking to Beth?

“Pretty sick, your grandfather falling asleep with a lit cigar.” He looks away and swigs another gulp then looks back at me again.

What is he talking about? And where did he hear it? Was that the freak accident? I feel on the spot. I really don't want to be talking about this right now.

Milly, you are such a flake, you are totally screwing everything up. Why are you even talking about this? What the hell's the matter with you?

Things get uncomfortable again. He moves in close. His breath reeks of stale beer. He just keeps smiling yet doesn't say anything. Not until he mentions about going upstairs.

“So you want to then?”

“Um, no,” I say to him, fidgeting in my seat a bit.
Milly, just do it
. “No!” answering Amelia, yet I realize Matt's staring at me like I'm a crazy person.

“Well that was a waste of time. I'm heading back inside.” He gets up and stumbles to the door, looking back at me one last time before he heads in. I look down, trying not to make eye contact while I hear Amelia screaming in my head.
Oh, my God, Milly! A waste of time? Did he seriously just say that? Milly, how could you let him get away with that?

Amelia's turning up the voltage in my nerves, draining me quickly. I decide to hang outside and try to calm myself before heading inside. After that weird moment all I want to do is clear my head from all this and drive us home safely.

The night's cool brisk air soothes my skin as if I put on some instant calming cream. It's unseasonably warm for this time of year. But it feels nice nonetheless.

My body loosens as I make myself comfortable. Charmed by the Eucharist-sized moon, I think of so many things. I can't seem to keep my thoughts on one single thing. Finally Amelia has shut up and is giving me a break from the whole Matt situation. I'm getting really sick of it, to be honest. She's delusional if she thinks he's interested in anything other than sex.

Even though the music's pumping and everyone is partying it up inside, the sound is muffled. I really don't want to be here anymore. I believe I could just sit here until it's time to go.

“Is this seat taken?” Someone says from behind me.

When I turn around to see who it is, I am pleasantly surprised.

“Blake! You made it!”

He's dressed casually in jeans and a navy cotton shirt, but he looks dressy, in my opinion. All I've seen him wear is dark, dirt-stained clothes.

“Yeah, I figure it's a nice night, why not, right?” He's smiling and clearly enjoying this moment, which is nice to see. “Besides, I had some free time and wanted to see you again.”

He wanted to what? The thought of someone wanting to see me gives me chills enough. But the thought of Blake wanting to see me? Well, even better.

He takes a seat next to me and whispers, “You look really pretty tonight.”

“Oh…yeah, well I have makeup on.” I figure that's what it has to be 'cause I can't see how else I would be, until he tells me something different.

“No…really, you're a pretty girl, Milly, with or without all that junk you girls wear.”

“Ha!” I laugh. The blushing feeling is starting to go into overdrive.

“So, how's your night going?” he asks.

“Um…okay, I guess. We'll have to leave soon. Well, I mean, Beth and me.” If I get any more blushed I think I'll lose oxygen and turn blue so I change the subject from me and turn it on him. “So, how are you?”

“Ha!” he laughs. “You don't wanna know.”

“Oh, yeah? Try me!”

“Believe me, you won't. It's just a bunch of family problems,” he says, pausing for a few seconds. “It's my brother, actually. He has the bipolar disorder. So that's it in a nutshell.”

“Oh, really? Isn't that that mood disorder?” Suddenly he has my interest and Amelia's too.

“Yes, it is. But Zack, my brother, his is with psychotic features, where he hallucinates and stuff. It's a big mess. Especially when he doesn't take his meds.”

I can see it's wearing on him just from the concerned look on his face.

“But it's good to get out every now and then,” he says. “Thanks.”

“For?”

“For asking me to go. I don't get out much anymore.”

I listen to him talk more about his day and what he did. He really does work hard and has made Aunt Rachel's home look amazing.

“You know, you're really cool to talk to,” he tells me as he sits up close. “I haven't had a decent conversation with a girl in a while.”

This is the first time I've seen him so vulnerable like this. It's engaging—in a different way.

We're silent for a moment—both of us just looking up at the sky. It's peaceful. Plus, I haven't heard from Amelia in quite some time. I'm hoping she's okay with all of this.

We then move closer to each other. He leans in ever so gently, as if asking permission to do what I have a feeling he wants to do. So I confirm his gesture by leaning in more too. It just feels right.

When we are finally eye-to-eye, he touches his lips softly onto mine as we kiss under the moonlight.

***

When it's time to go, Blake leaves and I head inside the house and search for Beth. I don't see her anywhere, so I start looking around. First down by the bar and then around the corner where the entertainment area is, but she's not there either. And after I check the bathroom and see that she's not there either, I go to Lance, who is playing pool, and ask.

“The hell if I know,” he says, bending down and taking a shot with the cue. “Check somewhere else, she ain't here.”

“Lance! You jerk! You told me you would watch her. What happened to that?” I'm so pissed at this point. Shit! I don't even know Lance. I shouldn't have trusted him in the first place. I just hope she's all right.

I check my phone again. It's minutes before twelve and I still haven't found Beth. After looking on the ground floor, I go to the upper part of the house where I'm assuming all the bedrooms are. I think maybe she's lying down somewhere and resting from her drinking spell.

As I get to the first room off the hall, I see that the door is open, so I peek through. It's dark so I turn on the light. “Beth!” I say loudly. She's lying on the couch in the corner. The room is some kind of den or something only having a couch, a T.V. and a few trophies in a case along the wall.

I go to her and shake her up. “Beth, are you okay? How did you get up here?”

“Huh?” she mumbles. “Mill? Oh, wait! Shit!” She stumbles onto the floor with her clothes all unbuttoned.

“What? What is it?”

I hear someone coming from the other end of the room, walking out of the bathroom.

It's Matt. Oh, My God, and he's zipping up his pants too.

“What the hell, Beth?”

“Milly!” she slurs. “I'm sorry, it just happened.”

I give her a look of disgust, but Amelia is storming. She's making my head swell into a headache. All I want do is to get out of here.

“Come on, Beth, could we just go?” She's still looking at me dumbfounded. “Beth! Come on! Let's go!”

I grab her, helping her get up. We manage to make it downstairs and out the door.

As we get outside, Beth gets weepy and apologizes profusely. She is still drunk and I can smell it coming from her breath, so I don't know how sorry she really is. Does she even know what she did wrong? How could she sleep with Matt when she liked Lance?

Finally we're at the car.

“Don't worry, I'll drive us home,” I say to her as she gets in the passenger side.

“Good, I was hoping you would.”

I start up the engine, back up the car and head down the driveway.

Both of us are completely silent for a good thirty minutes, until she asks, “Where were you, anyway? You just left me there.”

“I didn't leave, and I didn't screw anyone I didn't care about, either.” Amelia's hurt and shame bubbles up inside me. It's hard to control right now. She can't believe Beth would do something like this to her.

“I'm really, really sorry, Amelia.”

It's the first time I hear her say that name in forever.

“Will you ever forgive me?”

Right now I don't know what to say so I don't say anything at all. I'm confused and feel bad for Amelia. I don't think she can forgive Beth for what she did.