Disgrace (46 page)

“I couldn’t bear the thought of …” She bites her lips shut.

“Of what, precious?” Her eyes glaze, and I stroke her cheeks, marred and ridged with the welts and swollen, broken tissue. “Of looking at the most beautiful woman in the world and hating myself that I didn’t save you from all this?”

“Please don’t call me beautiful, and it isn’t your fault, Jason. I’m to blame.” She tries to pull away, but I hold her firm.

“Okay, let’s stop this right now shall we?” I tip her chin so she is looking directly into my eyes. She needs to see me as much as I need to see her. “Firstly, I will call you beautiful because you are, inside and out. I can’t imagine what fucked up nonsense is going through your head to believe I would think any different, but we will deal with that together.” She blinks rapidly as tears pool in the corner of her deep chocolate coloured eyes. “And secondly, it’s no more your fault than it is mine. I hate that I couldn’t get to you sooner but none of this is your fault.”

“If I hadn’t taunted him at the club.” Her voice is heavy with guilt and desperation.

“If I hadn’t snubbed Peitra. There are a thousand if’s, Sam. The bottom line is he was a bad man, and at the risk of repeating myself none of it was your fault.”

“Lolli was my fault.” Her voice catches, and it is barely a whisper as it is. I lean in closer when she continues to speak. “If I hadn’t taken her phone. She would still be alive.”

“Who would? You saved those girls, Sam. There were fifteen of them in that freezer. They are all alive because of you.” I take a tissue and dab the fresh wet streaks on her cheek, which must sting something fierce.

“I’m glad, but Lolli…” She swallows and shakes her head, her eyes cloud with unbearable pain. “He killed Lolli right in front of me because I used her phone when she was out of the room. She was just a child, Jason. I promised to save her, but he killed her because you guys showed up and he knew I had sent the message.”

“So you think that is my fault?” My tone is soft. My heart aches for her obvious grief.

“God no… you came for me. You came…” She sobs, and I pull her closer.

“Sam, I am so sorry I wasn’t able to save her, too, but you can’t blame yourself. Even if we had had no part in this nightmare, do you really think she would’ve lived much longer?” She tilts her head to meet my stare, and I can see the sad truth in her deep brown, glassy eyes. “He was going to kill every girl on that ship. He had no intention of leaving witnesses, Sam. His clients are rich and powerful, but they are sick bastards, and they pay to keep their dirty secrets. He was a bad man, and now he is dead because of us.” I pause to let that sink in. “And I am not going to feel a moment of guilt because of it.” She looks into my eyes, and my heart clenches at the first sign of a smile. “And neither are you.” She nods and relaxes into my hold, and for the first time, I relax because she holds me right back.

Christmas Day

It’s been just over six months since Sam was discharged from the Miami Aesthetic Surgery Center. The speedy and excellent care she received means that she really has minimal scarring from her ordeal. She was perfect before, and she remains perfect in my eyes but I do catch her tracing some of the faint lines that remain. One across her hip, a long six-inch line on her left thigh, and the eclipse under her cheekbone that is completely invisible with minimal make up. She recovered quickly like the survivor she is, and if it wasn’t for the odd nightmare you would struggle to see any difference, but I know it’s there. She moved in with me after a few weeks, shortly after taking up the position as a junior in the legal aid department of the Mission. Her office is nearer to my place, and it made sense. Besides, as much as I like Leon, I really don’t need to see a half-naked dude first thing every morning at breakfast.

We’ve visited the club a few times together but she is guaranteed to have a nightmare if we do. So we haven’t been for a while. It wouldn’t bother me if we never went again, but I know it bothers her. Her nightmares are all tied up with images of what Richard did to her, which come back thick and fast at the first sign of the club, or a whip. She braved it on the few occasions when we were there because she hates the fact as much as I do that he can still affect her like this. As strong as she is and her desire to forget and move on is impressive, but her subconscious won’t let go.

Today is our anniversary. The day she stole my heart, and I am going to allow something that makes me a little uncomfortable but something I hope will erase Richard permanently and give my girl new memories. Real life fantasies to write over her dark dreams.

We spent the morning in bed opening presents and the afternoon at the Mission like last year, but this evening, I asked her to meet me here at the club. I gave her instructions of what to wear.

The curtain moves and she steps through. Shit! I nearly drop my glass. The spotlight at the entrance shines around her like a full body halo, but she looks like anything but an angel. She is
so
dressed for sin. Her hair is pinned up with long strands curling artfully around her face. Her shoulders are bare and her body is pinched in tight into the sexiest back velvet and lace corset. Her panties are tiny with a delicate frill that I can see from this distance, and her long, slim legs have the sexiest damn stockings known to man—silk with a thin line up the back. I can’t see that from here, but I gave the orders, and she is a stickler about details.

She walks slowly along the runway toward me, and I have to shift because my cock is instantly and painfully hard. Her lips curl in a knowing smile that sears my heart, a burning heat that brands me as hers. She comes to stand between my legs and runs her fingernails along my jaw, the scratch I can feel in my balls; it feels so good.

“Are you ready?” I draw my tongue along my bottom lip and watch her eyes widen and follow the sensually slow movement.

“For what?” She bats her long lashes and peers up through them with faux innocence.

“I believe I promised to fulfil your fantasy.” I stand and take her hand, and she grips my fingers. I hear her swallow, and I bite back a chuckle. I like that she is on edge. We reach the playroom door, which is closed. I push the handle down but hold it for a moment. Her eyes shine with anticipation.

“Jason?” Her voice is a breathy mix of excitement and uncertainty. I push the door wide and she gasps. I lean in and kiss the delicate curve of her neck.

“Happy Christmas.”

I
don’t think I’m being overly dramatic when I say that night Jason gave me my life back because he really did. I tried so hard to put the trauma behind me, and for the most part, I succeeded. But there was this tiny, insidious grain inside that revealed its presence in my subconscious and blossomed in my nightmares. It felt like somewhere in my darkness, Richard still owned a part of me, and I hated that. Not that I would hide this from Jason, but I couldn’t if I tried. The nightmares would leave me wracked with tears and gasping for breath each night. The fact they only happened after we had played at the Club broke my heart, because I fucking loved playing with Jason at the Club and Richard had taken that from me.

Jason gave it back.

“Would you stop looking at me like that?” I elbow Leon in the side as he takes my coat and hands it over to the girls behind the counter at the kiosk in the Club.

“Like what?” He drawls and draws his tongue slowly across his bottom lip. “Ow!” I retrieve my elbow from its second more effective jab. “Sorry babe, after that night, coming here… what you’re asking, is going to be im-fucking-possible!” His grin is pure filth and I chuckle to hide the flush of colour in my cheeks.

“Fair point.” I let out a deep breath and some of the heat that instantly builds at the delicious memory.

Christmas Day

“Oh!” I gasp as the door to the playroom swings wide and there in glorious Technicolor and super high definition is my living, breathing fantasy. Jason’s twin brother lounges in the high back leather chair, his legs spread wide, his faded jeans ripped on one knee and nearly worn through on the other. The first few buttons are already open. His chest is bare and rises and falls with deep, steady breaths. The dark tan helps to define his firm, toned muscles, very much like Jason’s own tan does. He lifts his glass to sip the amber liquid, but his eyes never leave me. He shares the same intensity as his twin, and I can feel the burn begin in my belly and below. I begin to melt.

“Oh.” Jason kisses my cheek and whispers in my ear. “Only new memories, beautiful, starting tonight.” His hot breath scorches my skin, but I shiver all the same. My skin prickles with a million tiny bumps. Jason’s hands stroke my shoulders, down my bare arms, and he takes my hand. He squeezes it and leads me into the lions’ den. His eyes are dark with desire, but are kind and so full of love I hesitate. This is my fantasy, and although I know he has done this in the past, that was before me…before us. We still play, but Jason no longer shares. He turns to face me, and I pull him close.

“Jason, are you sure?” My voice is barely a whisper but he hears me, and his lips spread wide into a brilliant, wide smile.

“My greatest pleasure is to make you smile, and trust me, it’s not a hardship to make your fantasy a reality…Having said that, I want you to memorise every moment, every taste and every touch, because I have told these guys this is a one night only deal.” His stiff tone brooks no misunderstanding on my part only a little confusion.

“These guys?” I challenge his math.

“Well since it’s just one night, I thought I could go one better than a threesome.” His most nefarious grin dances across his face, and I swallow against the instant dryness in my mouth.

“Damn right and I wouldn’t miss being that extra for anything.” Leon’s voice is behind me, and I spin to see him push himself off the back wall, sporting the same deviant grin and general lack of clothes as Will.

“Holy fuck!” I exhale a breathy exclamation that makes them all laugh. “I said that out loud didn’t I?” Jason steps in front of me and breaks my eye contact with Leon. He holds my chin gently in his fingers. His smile is warm, his eyes like liquid chocolate, he melts my heart.