Dissident (20 page)

“I cuddled you all night. Mostly to make sure you were still breathing.”

“But no sex.”

“No.”

“That’s disappointing.”

“Not for me. I may be a selfish asshole but I’m not going to sleep with a woman who won’t remember it the next day. You were barely coherent.” He stared down at the towel again. “And I like holding you.”

“You could have had sex with me. I wouldn’t have minded.”

“That doesn’t make it right. We can make up for it tonight if you manage to recover by then.”

Caroline pulled herself out of bed, groaning with every step toward the bathroom. “Unless you have a good remedy for a killer hangover, I wouldn’t hold your breath.”

*              *              *              *              *

Bob handed Caroline a cup of coffee as he sat down next to her on one of the benches in the lobby. “How are you feeling today?”

Caroline blinked. The lobby was very bright. Luckily she hadn’t run into any adorable Austrian grandparents. Yet. The Speaker of the House looked as refreshed as if he’d just gotten back from a three week vacation. The man could hold his liquor and had demonstrated as much on many different occasions. She tried not to curse at him.

“Do you have to talk so loud?” she asked.

Bob put his arm around her. “That bad?”

“Not good. What did we drink last night?

“Mostly Laphroaig,” he said. “I think it was the last shot of Macallan that pushed you over the edge, though. Probably shouldn’t have let you mix different kinds of whiskey like that.”

“You look like you did okay with it.”

He patted his waist. “I’ve got an iron stomach. We Scotsmen have strange gifts when it comes to our native spirits.”

Caroline grimaced. “How many shots did I do?”

“You went shot for shot with me until about fifteen, I think.” Bob squeezed her shoulder. “Everyone else bowed out long before that. Be proud of that accomplishment.”

Clearly all the drinking she’d done in the past year had improved her tolerance. She wasn’t sure that was something to be pleased about. “How far did Grimes get?”

He chuckled. “That asshole? Maybe five. He’s a pussy.”

She tried not to laugh. “You know how I feel about men using words like that but in his case it’s completely appropriate.”

“Grizzly Wagner made it to eight, I think.”

“Anyone else? I feel like there were some staffers there too.”

“They did one of each and went out clubbing or something. Kids these days. They don’t appreciate the good stuff.”

She closed her eyes. “I vaguely remember all of this.”

“You were in rare form last night. Even at your most intoxicated you were still spouting off baseball stats and shooting the shit about Chicago.”

“Not sure if I’m all that proud of my behavior. Unless I get a trophy or something.”

“You don’t get a trophy,” Bob said smugly. “Because I won.”

“Participation ribbon?”

He patted her back affectionately. “You’re a lot of fun, Caroline. I’m glad you came along. Even if you’re not quite at your best this morning.”

She frowned at the cup in front of her, which had cooled off a little. “I don’t drink coffee.”

“I know you don’t. Trust me, you’ll want this. I had the baristas put a couple of secret ingredients in there for you.”

“There’s no heavy duty tea over there?”

“That won’t help. Just drink it. It’ll absorb most of the alcohol.”

“I don’t think that’s how coffee works.”

“You’re going to get all scientific on me? This isn’t a debate. Drink it,” he ordered.

Caroline sniffed the contents of the cup. It did smell good. “Is this how you cure your own hangovers?”

Bob sat up a little straighter. “You don’t see me hiding from the sun and cringing at loud voices, do you?”

“Point taken.” She took a small sip. It tasted better than she thought it would, with just the right amount of sugar. “Thanks.”

“No problem.”

She set the cup down beside her. “I hear you were defending my female integrity last night.”

Bob clenched his fists. “I was just looking out for you. The rest of the group had been drinking wine most of the night. McIntyre didn’t come prowling over to our table until you were half conscious.”

“Because he was worried about me.”

“That defies reasonable belief.”

“He wasn’t prowling, Bob. He was concerned.”

“Bullshit. He saw an easy target and he went after it.”

“He’s my boyfriend.” Caroline almost stumbled over the phrase. The statement sounded a little odd. They really had to think of a better way to refer to each other.

Bob did not share her good humor. “For now.”

“Nothing happened,” Caroline said.

He waved his hand at her. “I don’t want to know the details.”

“I mean it. I tried to coax him into it and he said no. He turned me down because of the condition I was in.”

“I see.”

“I trust Jack,” Caroline said. “Completely.”

“I don’t.”

“Why not?”

“He doesn’t appear to be well suited to you.”

“My opinion is the only one that counts.”

“You need to tread lightly with him, sunshine. He’s not-”

“He’s not what?”

“Just be careful,” he said. “Don’t rush into anything.”

“What did you say to him on the plane?” Caroline asked.

Bob gave her a hard look. “That was a private conversation.”

“You had to know that he would tell me he talked to you. Fess up.”

“I told him that if he hurt you, I would kill him.”

Caroline gritted her teeth. His protectiveness was flattering, but over the top. “Please tell me that wasn’t what you actually said.”

“I didn’t threaten actual homicide. Maybe more of a career-oriented demise.”

She couldn’t keep the irritation out of her voice. “Robert-”

“Don’t start in with that.” He cut her off before she could speak again. “You call me Mr. Speaker and this conversation is going to go downhill very quickly.”

“You’re the one throwing your political weight around, not me,” she snapped. “Perhaps some emotional distance would be appropriate right now.”

“Caroline, he is not someone you want to be heavily involved with. Not at this point in your life.”

She stared at him. “Have you been plotting with Christine?”

Bob folded his arms. He was close to losing his temper. While he did a good job of keeping the majority party in check, he and Christine had a tenuous if not outright adversarial relationship. Caroline was still trying to figure out why he’d agreed to endorse her in her Senate race. Bringing Christine into the conversation was a sure way to set him off, and Caroline had done it on purpose.

“No.” he said. “Representative Sullivan and I do not have anything other than a professional association, and even that’s a stretch. But you and I…”

“Yeah, I know,” she said. “We’re different.”

His expression softened. “We are. You have a generous heart and I don’t want to see you get hurt.”

Caroline was getting damn tired of Christine’s machinations and Bob’s bellicose approach. “Why are the two of you trying so hard to discourage this?”

“Because we love you,” Bob said. “And because we know what you’ve been through.”

“I’m not a child.”

“I am well aware of that. But you trust too easily. Too quickly.”

“You make me sound like an idiot.”

Bob put his arm around her. “That is not what I think of you. You know why I want to keep you safe.”

Caroline took a huge gulp of coffee. Sometimes she hated feeling like she was an idealistic, naïve pet, even though she knew Bob and Christine meant well.

“I appreciate your concern,” she said. “But I don’t think Jack is going to hurt me.”

“I hope not. John McIntyre is not the kind of man to get too attached to.”

“I am aware of his history. And I respect your opinion, Bob. But you have to let me make my own choices. I wouldn’t be with him if I didn’t think there could be more.”

“I know that. He may not. I can’t help it if I’m a little protective of you.” Bob cleared his throat, and when he spoke his voice was unsteady. “You’re like a daughter to me, Caroline.”

She swallowed hard. He’d never said it to her face before, though she’d long suspected it. She was one of the very few who could appreciate the significance of those words, and it was enough to render her speechless.

Bob squeezed her shoulder harder, after taking a deep breath. “I recognize and respect that I don’t have much say in how you live your life.” He gave her a smile. “If that were the case we’d be having some serious conversations about your disappointing party affiliation.”

Caroline kissed him on the cheek. “I’ll be fine. No matter what happens.”

“And I’m here for you regardless of the outcome,” Bob said. “You read me?”

“Yeah, I read you.” She finished her cup of coffee and tossed it in a nearby garbage can. “Let’s go to that bakery down the street and get some challah. Maybe it will absorb all the booze I’ve got in my system.”

*              *              *              *              *

Caroline looked out the window of the plane. Not that there was much to see. It was dark out and they were in the middle of the Atlantic.

“Are you still tired?” Jack asked.

“A little.”

“I’m glad you decided to sit next to me on the way home.”

“Me too. I had a lot of firsts this trip.”

“And what were those?”

“First time getting drunk in a foreign country.”

“Might not need to try to repeat that,” Jack said.

“First trip to a kibbutz.”

“Not many of those in the States.”

Caroline smiled shyly at him. “First time alone with you in a hotel room.”

Jack tucked her hair behind her ear. “That was a highlight for me too.” He paused. “You meant all the sex, right?”

Caroline cuffed him on the arm, even though that was exactly what she’d meant. “Pervert.”

“It’s not like this trip was the first time we slept together.”

“There’s something illicit about doing it in a hotel.”

“And in a hotel shower,” Jack pointed out. “And on a hotel floor.”

And several other places, if memory served. “I liked all of that.”

“You insatiable woman.” Jack weaved his fingers through hers. “May I hold your hand?”

“Since you’ve already made your move, sure.”

“Nothing gets by you.” He laughed. “Awfully quiet in here.”

“I think everyone else is sleeping.”

“Maybe we should too.”

“I’d like to talk,” Caroline said. “I wish we could have spent more time together this week.”

“Me too. Any pressing issues when you get back to D.C.?” Jack asked.

“Not really,” Caroline said. “Jenny and I agreed it was best to take the weekend to recover from our jet lag. I always seem to do worse coming back than going.” She pulled her armrest up and scooted closer to him, resting her head on his shoulder. “Is this okay?”

Jack put his arm around her. “Fine with me. Do you want to come to Philadelphia for the weekend?”

“You don’t have any commitments?”

“I told my chief of staff to keep this weekend free.  For the same reason as you.”

“You wanted to ask me earlier, didn’t you?”

“Maybe. I didn’t want you to feel like you had to change your plans for me.”

Caroline didn’t want to admit that she probably would have. “I’d need to stop at home first, but it’s doable.”

“Good. I’ll drive us up so you can’t escape early.”

“Wouldn’t dream of it.”

Jack kissed her cheek. “I want you all to myself,” he whispered. “I may even lock up your phone once we get there so you aren’t tempted to do any work.”

Caroline eyed him warily. “You don’t have anything big planned, do you?  I’d prefer to relax.”

“I just want to spend time with you,” he said quietly. “We can do whatever you want.”

She brought her arm around his waist and leaned in closer. “I like that idea.”

“Sweetheart, aren’t you concerned about what the other members of the delegation will think with you curled up against me?”

“They can think what they want,” she murmured. “It’s not like they haven’t figured it out already. And if they want to make a big deal about it, screw ‘em.”

“I like your new attitude. Get some sleep. We can talk in the car. All right?”

She closed her eyes. “Sounds like a plan.”

Caroline

July

They held hands as they walked through the grounds. Indoor and outdoor pools, a tennis court, a regulation size indoor basketball court with a wooden floor…Jack’s home was over the top. Caroline had gotten a kick out of the giant old school Villanova logo in the center of the basketball court. Jack’s loyalty to his undergraduate alma mater was stronger than he liked to let on.

She hadn’t thought about it the first time she was there.  Since they spent most of the time in his bedroom she didn’t think to ask to see the rest of the house. She missed the intimacy and closeness of having a physical relationship and looked forward to spending another weekend in bed with Jack. She hadn’t spent nearly enough time with him in Jerusalem, and now she had him to herself for three whole days.

Jack was hesitant to give her a full tour that first weekend in June and she thought she had understood why, but this weekend he seemed almost proud to show her around. Or he had for a while. She couldn’t really hide the fact that his vast estate was a bit too much for her at times.

They walked along a short paved path leading from the outdoor pool to the tennis court. Or rather, Jack was on the path and she was on the grass.  She’d taken off her shoes and thigh highs. Caroline enjoyed feeling the soft green blades tickle her bare feet.

It was early July but the evening air was still unseasonably cool. There was some residual light reflecting on the pool from the back of the house but it didn’t reach much beyond where they were walking. Caroline grinned as they approached a cast iron bench. Because Jack had a normal backyard. With a park sized bench. On the way to a fully lit tennis court.

“Want to sit down for a minute?” he asked.

“Sure.”

They sat silently for a moment as Jack held Caroline’s hand in his lap, caressing it. She was wearing his suit jacket. The sleeves were far too long for her and they slid down past her hands. He didn’t seem to care.

He turned to her. “So, what do you think?”

“About what?”

“About this.” He extended his right arm, indicating the grounds.

“The tour is over?”

“Were you expecting more?”

“I think this is enough, don’t you?”

Jack clasped her hand in both of his. “I get the feeling all of this makes you uncomfortable.”

She looked down. He was getting a little too good at reading her. “Kind of.”

“That’s why I didn’t give you the full tour the first time you were here.”

“We were also otherwise occupied,” Caroline said.

He kissed the top of her hand. “Indeed we were. But you seem a little overwhelmed.”

There was no point in lying. “I am.”

“Does my wealth still bother you?”

She rubbed her forehead with her free hand. “Jack, I don’t want to say anything that you might take the wrong way.”

“You want me to renounce my worldly possessions and give them all to the proletariat?”

“No,” she said.

“You want me to join the Catholic Worker movement?”

“That would be hard,” Caroline said. “A life of poverty, even if voluntary, is very difficult.”

“I promise I won’t be offended by anything you say, Caroline.” He kissed her hand again. “I want to know what you think.”

“It’s a lot,” she said. “Especially for one person. Don’t get me wrong. I lived a decent life growing up and I live a very comfortable life now, but this seems excessive.”

“Probably.”

“I know you have a lot of money. More than I can comprehend outside of a budget debate. And you have every right to spend it in any manner you desire. You earned it, after all. But all of this doesn’t match up with the man I thought I was getting to know. It doesn’t seem to fit with your personality.”

“It doesn’t?” Jack asked. “You haven’t discovered how attached I am to my toys?”

They’d gone to dinner that night in an Aston Martin Vanquish, and he’d caught her eyeing his Porsche 911 Turbo. Jack seemed to derive great pleasure from the expensive cars in his garage and she couldn’t blame him. She appreciated a luxury vehicle as much as anyone.

“I’m very much attached to my toys, too,” she said. “We all have our quirks. You’ve seen my shoe collection. My many pieces of baseball memorabilia. But all of this appears to be inconsistent with who you really are. Does this make you happy?” she asked. “The house, the cars, the pools, the basketball and tennis courts. How big is this place anyway?”

“About twelve thousand square feet for the residence, six acres of land. Give or take. I can’t remember how many rooms are in the house.”

The man owned a multimillion dollar home and didn’t even know the specifics. “That’s enormous,” Caroline said. “And in case I didn’t mention it before, you have a ballroom, Jack. A
ballroom
.”

“I have a library, too,” he reminded her. “Don’t forget that.”

“Oh, I haven’t,” she assured him. “I adore that room. I wish you’d offered it up as a guest room the first time I came here. I’m thinking of having an affair with that magnificent piece of architecture behind your back.”

“Would it mean anything?” Jack asked.

“No,” she said. “It would be purely intellectual. Deeply, passionately, outrageously intellectual.”

He laughed. “Okay, then.” Caroline fell silent and Jack looked down at his hands. “This is too much for you, isn’t it?”

“You’re trying to prove yourself to people,” she said. “Trying to impress them when you really don’t need to. I don’t want to accuse you of being Jay Gatsby or something, but-”

“It is a lot. It’s probably too much. But deep down inside, I am a very superficial man.”

“That statement is a paradox,” Caroline said. “It makes no sense.”

“You don’t think I’m shallow?”

“Maybe a little. Everyone is, in some regard. Anyone who can’t admit that is either a hypocrite or a complete saint.”

“My salad girls were usually quite taken with this place.”

Jack’s little black book could fill a large section of the Kennedy Center and hers would be easily contained in a small conference room at a Holiday Inn. Caroline didn’t like to think about all those other women.

“That says more about them than it does about you,” she said.

“It says something about the type of woman I used to date.” Jack kept stroking her hand, and looked her in the eyes. “You’re nothing like them, Caroline. You’ve changed my life in a very short amount of time.” He cupped her face in his hands. “Don’t. Blush. I mean it,” he said.

She felt the heat rushing into her face. “It’s involuntary, Jack.”

“You’re such a strong, confident woman. Surely you must know how special you are. How rare. How wonderful. You’re funny, smart as all hell, gorgeous, loving, giving. You have a tremendous spirit.”

If it was even possible, Caroline turned an even brighter shade of red. “Jack,” she chided.

“Do you know why I have all of this?” he asked her. “I’m not even sure. I was always searching for meaning, trying to fill that void, trying to justify my hedonism and selfishness. And I was surrounded by people who never called me out on it because they got to enjoy all the fruits of my labor. When I was playing basketball I knew they only loved me because I’d had a good game. After Wharton I knew they were only with me because I spent money on them, bought them expensive gifts, whatever. But I don’t think any of this makes me happy. Not really.”

“Do you mean people in general or the women you’ve dated?”

“Both, I guess. Mostly women.”

“You don’t think anyone in your life has appreciated you for who you are?”

“Aside from my family and my closest friends? Not really. Most of them never stuck around long enough. And much of that is my fault.”

“That makes me very sad. Why did you keep letting them in when they were using you?”

“I suppose it was easier than making an effort. And I was using them too, in a different way.”

The look on his face made Caroline want to cry. “Oh, Jack. I wish you didn’t feel that way. Twenty years is an awfully long time to keep up that lifestyle.”

“I know. But once you start living it, it’s hard to escape. It’s very easy to be shallow when you’re surrounded by insipid people and completely detached from reality.”

Caroline didn’t say anything. She just squeezed his hand.

Jack tucked a loose strand of hair behind her ear. He seemed to always be doing that. “You make me happy, Caroline. I never knew that my life was so empty before I met you. I get to look forward to seeing you every day. Touching you, kissing you, making you smile, hearing you laugh. And nothing would please me more than to share all of this with you.”

He lifted her chin up so that she was looking at him again. Her eyes were wet. “I know you might not be there yet, sweetheart,” he said. “I know you’re still healing. I can see the sadness in your eyes, when you think no one is looking. And I wish I could take all your pain away. But you’re still bursting with life, with energy and passion, even though you think you’ve been permanently damaged. You have so much to give and you deserve so much in return. I just hope that eventually there might be some room left in your heart for me.” He wiped away the tear that had slipped down her cheek. “I love you, Caroline.”

Jack brought his hands back into his lap and stared off toward the house. “I’ve never said that to anyone before. At least, said it and really meant it.”

She brushed a stray tear off her face and crossed her arms around herself, not speaking.

“You don’t have to say it back. I just wanted you to know.” He stood up and extended his hand to hers, still not making eye contact. “It’s getting a little cool. We should go back inside.”

Caroline took his hand. “You are a very, very good man. I hope you know that.”

Jack squeezed her fingers. “Now you’re going to make me blush.”

“Fine with me. We can bask in our shared inability to accept how others may see us.”

The walk back to the house seemed longer than it should have been. Jack was silent, unnervingly so. The two of them had often gone without speaking and it felt easy, comfortable, uncomplicated. But now Caroline could sense the apprehension rolling off of him. She turned him to face her right before they reached the back door.

“You have such a kind soul. You have so much to offer people, so much more than your money or your influence. Why do you have such a hard time showing it?”

“It takes less energy to be that way,” Jack said. “If you don’t get attached, no one can betray you.”

“Why aren’t you that way with me? What do I have that no one else does?”

“You see my humanity. And you accept me anyway. I feel like when you look at me you can see straight into my heart, bypassing all the messy details. You like me. I trust you. None of what I have matters to you nearly as much as who I truly am. I learned that on the night we met.”

“Anyone who can’t appreciate you for who you are doesn’t deserve to be in your life.”

“Do you think you can move beyond all this largesse, this façade?” Jack asked. “I know it’s too much for you and I don’t know how to remedy that.”

“I don’t expect any of that from you. You don’t have to impress me with your many things.” She fingered the diamond necklace he had given her. “Although gifts
are
sometimes nice.”

“I’ll try to restrain myself, then.”

“I didn’t say that. But don’t feel like you need to prove how you feel about me by buying me things all the time. Your presence is enough. And by the way, when you were describing yourself, you left out ‘smashing good looks.’” Caroline smiled at him.

“Did I really?”

She wrapped her arms around his neck. “I don’t want to wreck your idealized vision of me, but you are an unbelievably handsome, sexy man. Is that a shallow thing to say?”

Jack laughed. “Hell no.”

She kissed him. “And you’re great in bed, too.”

“Is that a hint?”

“Maybe.” She kissed him again, pressing closer to him.

“If I didn’t know better, I’d say you were after something.” Jack kissed a trail across her jawline. “What would that be?”

“You,” Caroline whispered. “Not your money, your cars, or even your library.” She nuzzled his neck until she reached his ear. “Only you. Your hands, your mouth, your body, your mind, your soul. I want to show you what an incredible man you are. I want to savor every inch of you. I want to feel you move inside me until I can’t think about anything other than what you’re doing to me. Please, Jack.” She’d never spoken this way to anyone before. Caroline stroked the zipper of his pants and heard him groan. “This,” she said. “You. Now.”

Jack grabbed Caroline’s hand and dragged her toward the back door. “Don’t have to tell me twice.”

He continued pulling her into the kitchen, jogging quickly through the house as they headed upstairs. Caroline was soon out of breath.

“You’re lucky I took my shoes off before we took that walk,” she panted. “This moment would have been thoroughly ruined if I’d twisted my ankle.”