Diva Diaries (19 page)
Authors: Janine A. Morris
35
Support Group
J
ordan had spent the week dealing with Omar's guilt trip and could barely take any more. She had beat Omar home every night that week, just to lessen the issue of the late nights working with Jay. Still it served no purpose, because once he got home he had this attitude, as if he didn't notice or care about her efforts. So, on this particular day she didn't even bother. Instead she asked Chrasey and Dakota to accompany her to an after-work dinner in an attempt to cheer herself up.
ordan had spent the week dealing with Omar's guilt trip and could barely take any more. She had beat Omar home every night that week, just to lessen the issue of the late nights working with Jay. Still it served no purpose, because once he got home he had this attitude, as if he didn't notice or care about her efforts. So, on this particular day she didn't even bother. Instead she asked Chrasey and Dakota to accompany her to an after-work dinner in an attempt to cheer herself up.
When she spoke to them on the phone, though, they both seemed to be in a bad mood themselves, possibly even worse off than her. It seemed ironic that they were all in the midst of some drama, but this wasn't the first time that all three of them were dealing with something serious simultaneously. After all these years of being friends, they had experienced a lot of their ups and downs at the same time. The worst part about when this happened was that it was hard for them to split the time up fairly to listen to and advise each other.
“It's been a while since Jordan had any drama for us, so let her go first,” Chrasey said.
The usual unspoken rule was they would take turns, starting with the person who had the least drama before, and so forth. So according to the rule, it was Jordan's turn to go first.
“No, you go first, Chraseyâyou have a lot more serious things going on with Keith. Besides, just getting out of my routine is healing enough for me,” Jordan said.
They sat around the plush cushioned booth in Justin's restaurant, in deep thought. Chrasey updated the ladies on her current state of depression, and how Keith had been back and forth with his behavior. One night he was the extra-sweet husband, and the next back to normal. She was confused and didn't know if this was their gradual road back to happiness or something worse.
“I can't tell if his actions are because he is feeling guilty over something or if he is just actually ready to do right.”
“You can't figure these men out, girlâthey work on their own clock,” Jordan replied.
As Chrasey talked, Jordan listened and commented and Dakota was quieter than they had seen her in all the years they'd known her. Well, other than the time she slept with that basketball player twenty minutes after meeting him and waited two days to tell anyone because she was too embarrassed, but that was in college.
“It's just ... I never thought I would be at this point in my life,” Chrasey said. “I thought I'd be making more money by now, I thought I would be happy in my marriage. I'm just disappointed in myself, that's all.”
“You're being too hard on yourself, Chrasey,” Jordan said.
“Yeah, you say that now. But if you knew how I've practically fallen in love with a boy, you would be just as disappointed.”
“I'm not condoning that Trevor thing, but you're still being too hard on yourself.”
“Jordan, I have snuck out to meet him almost once every week for the past two months. I have bought him things I had no business buying, and I think about him all the time. I'm pathetic.”
“No, girl, you're just sprung,” Jordan said as she burst out laughing. Chrasey joined in and when they both looked at Dakota, they noticed she was giving one of her phony laughs. Now, that was something Dakota would say and she didn't even find it funny.
“And what is wrong with you?” Jordan asked.
“Nothing, just so much on my plate,” 'Kota replied.
“Look, I called you girls so you could hear my issues, but you two are depressing me even more. Got damn, you two are useless.”
“Tell usâwhat's wrong?” Dakota said, trying to perk up.
“Nothing, just Jayon. He opened his big mouth on New Year's Eve, apologizing for trying to come on to me, and Omar never knew.”
“Oh, my goodness,” Chrasey said.
“I knowâhe claims he is more upset that I didn't tell him all this time, that I claim to be so honest and yet I kept such a big secret. Of course, the fact that I work with him every day, and I see Jayon more than I do him, entered the conversation.”
“See, the first time you don't tell him something, look what happens. I guess I see why you try to follow that honesty-best-policy rule,” Chrasey replied.
“It just takes too much effort for me to try to keep a lie upâbesides, once you're caught in a lie, nothing you say is believable. But with this I was going to tell him. I was just waiting for a good time. I tried to explain that to him, but he is not really trying to hear me ...” Jordan said. After a quick pause, she continued, “I guess I understand why that sounds so naive, but it's still frustrating because he knows how I am but still he is treating me like I've been lying to him all through our relationship.”
“Well, girl, he should know you wouldn't intentionally keep anything from him, as much as you tell him,” Chrasey said.
“You would think. I guess because it's Jayon, he thinks I am protecting him”
Once again, Dakota hadn't commented at all.
“ 'Kota, what is wrong?” Chrasey suddenly shouted.
Brought out of a state of trance, she responded, “Just tired.”
“Don't even try it,” Jordan said. “Is it Lexia? She driving you crazy?”
The mention of her name made Dakota uncomfortable, and she quickly said, “No, nothing to do with her.”
That's what she said, but her tone and instant attitude read just the opposite and Chrasey and Jordan picked right up on it.
“Mm-hmm, you're probably stressed out thinking that she is about to steal your man,” Jordan laughed.
Dakota really didn't find a damn thing funny about that. She knew they were just trying to break the ice for her, but she'd spent the past couple of weeks trying to face reality and tell herself what happened; she definitely wasn't trying to tell them. She had barely had a full conversation with Tony or Lexia, and she went straight to bed almost every night and made sure her bedroom door was locked. The part that was making it so hard for Dakota was how nonchalant Lexia was about the whole thing. Once or twice she asked Dakota if Tony was coming over, she gave Dakota compliments every chance she got, and she was watching a porno one day when 'Kota came home, and suggested she watch it with her. 'Kota was starting to feel like a prisoner in her own houseâshe made her bed and now she was lying in it. Tony was quite nonchalant, too. He would walk around the house freely when he was there, wearing no shirt. He also made comments and asked about Lexia. The funny thing was, none of them had ever directly spoken about it.
Dakota's reluctance to talk about what was really going on gave the girls the hint. She would spill when she was readyâthey had been friends long enough to know when one of them just needed to hear someone else's drama for a change, sometimes just to feel like they weren't alone in their mess. So, as they finished their dinner, Dakota remained somewhat quiet and Chrasey and Jordan vented. Chrasey explained how she found a matchbook from a hotel in Keith's pockets, and that she was ready to just run away with Trevor. Jordan recommended that Chrasey and Keith take a trip where they leave their kids at home and get away together. Perhaps all they needed was a change of environment, and maybe he would open up and talk to her.
They all came to the restaurant feeling a little down, but they all left feeling a little better than when they came. Jordan was feeling better because she was reminded that she wasn't the only one with problems. That helped, but what really elevated her mood was good old Chrasey reminding her “this too shall pass.” That cliché always did the trick; whenever Jordan was getting depressed, that phrase would change her whole attitude toward life. Chrasey was feeling better because she really liked Jordan's idea and was looking forward to going home and trying to spark Keith up. She knew that Trevor wasn't her real answer, and she wanted to try to save her marriage before it got any worse. There wasn't a better time to work on it than when she had someone on the side, so any hurtful or discouraging thing wouldn't feel so magnified. So, Chrasey left feeling like she had work to do. Dakota didn't really get much off her chest, or really get to enjoy the therapeutic evening like Chrasey and Jordan, but she felt better because she knew in her heart when she was ready to tell her friends the drama she had gotten herself into, they would be there for her. They would listen to and attempt to mend her life just like they did for each other tonight.
36
Boiling Point
D
akota walked in her house and as usual, quietly walked directly toward her bedroom, hoping to avoid Lexia. As she got closer, she heard that her television was on, and she slowed down some. It could have been Tony but she thought he told her he had something to do, and in her mind she was hoping it wasn't Lexia. As she approached her bedroom door, she could see Tony's Timberlands kicked off at the foot of the bed. As she got closer, she saw him lying on the bed in a white t-shirt and sweatsuit. Confused but relieved, she took a few more steps. That's when she noticed Lexia lying there beside him.
akota walked in her house and as usual, quietly walked directly toward her bedroom, hoping to avoid Lexia. As she got closer, she heard that her television was on, and she slowed down some. It could have been Tony but she thought he told her he had something to do, and in her mind she was hoping it wasn't Lexia. As she approached her bedroom door, she could see Tony's Timberlands kicked off at the foot of the bed. As she got closer, she saw him lying on the bed in a white t-shirt and sweatsuit. Confused but relieved, she took a few more steps. That's when she noticed Lexia lying there beside him.
It wasn't like she even took a second to let the situation register. Her emotions just took over and before she knew it, she was reacting. All those nights of frustration and feeling like a prisoner came to a boil. The first word out of her mouth was “bitch.” The rest kind of got mixed up but the gist of what she was saying, “Get the hell out, you nasty whore!”
“You don't understand, ' Kota. We were just talking,” Tony said, jumping to their defense.
“Don't even say anything to me, Tony. I can't believe you would disrespect me in my own bed like this,” Dakota replied, not even looking him in the face, keeping her eyes on Lexia.
“Dakota, we weren't doing anything, if that's what you're thinking.”
“No, what I'm thinking doesn't matter. It's what I knowâand I know you were lying in my bed with her. It doesn't matter to me what you were doingâyou shouldn't even be in here with her.”
At this point, Tony was looking out for himself. “ 'Kota, I was in here watching TV and she just came in. I'm not even sure how she ended up lying down, but I was just talking to her and I didn't touch her yet.”
Now, Dakota's attention was directed to Tony. It all came flying out like one elongated sentence. “
Yet
? What the hell you mean,
yet
? ... So you didn't touch her yet, but if I had gotten here two minutes later, you would have had sex with her, right? Not to mention what the hell are you doing here, anyway? I took my key from you, and this was why. I didn't want you around this trifling ho.”
Yet
? What the hell you mean,
yet
? ... So you didn't touch her yet, but if I had gotten here two minutes later, you would have had sex with her, right? Not to mention what the hell are you doing here, anyway? I took my key from you, and this was why. I didn't want you around this trifling ho.”
Before Tony could reply, Lexia interrupted. “Why are you acting like this, Dakota? Ever since that night, you have been bugging out. I thought we were all cool with everything.”
“We are not cool, Lexia. I don't rock like that, OK?”
“What was that, your new year's resolution? Because you rocked like that on New Year's Eve,” Lexia replied.
Why did she say that? As if Dakota hadn't been struggling with that terrible decision “to just let it happen,” she had to go and throw it in her face. Before Dakota even thought twice, she lunged at Lexia. She was swinging, punching, pulling weave tracks out, and kicking. Lexia didn't have a chance; she had no idea the attack was even coming. Lexia had managed to pull the ghettoness out of petite, high-maintenance Dakota. Tony was finally able to pull Dakota off of Lexia, who staggered to her feet and was standing there in a ripped shirt, and a piece of weave track on her shoulder.
Gaining her composure, Lexia quickly walked out of the room into the guest room. Right before she entered, she heard Dakota yell at her, “Pack your stuff and get out of my house.”
Scared to death, Tony sat silently as Dakota fixed her clothes and stood catching her breath. She tried to remain as calm as possible as she gathered her thoughts, but she couldn't stop the tears from rolling down her cheeks. Tony was too afraid to reach out and try to console her. She picked up the phone and dialed Chrasey's number. This was the time when she needed her girls. As she sat on the bed, she realized Tony was looking bewildered.
She put her hand over the phone, and said, “I don't know what the hell you're still doing hereâyou need to get out, too.”
There was no answer on Chrasey's phoneâshe may have still been on her way home. She tried her other phone, and by then Tony had put on his boots and started to walk out. No answer on Chrasey's other phone, either. She was getting ready to call Jordan when she broke down in tears at the sound of Tony's exit.
“This has been going on for too long. I feel like I am still a wild college girl trying to have some fun,” Dakota said aloud to herself. She stood there looking in the mirror, and she didn't like what she saw looking back at her. It's a horrible feeling not to be able to face the world, but an even worse feeling not to be able to face yourself.
“I am thirty-one years old and a grown-behind woman. There is no reason for me to be having threesomes and catfights, there just isn't. I haven't done this stuff since I was in college, and I should be ashamed of myself not to be past that,” Dakota spoke out loud to herself as tears streamed down her face. “I should be settled down with one man by now, and I shouldn't feel the need to have to do this stuff to keep him. What is wrong with me?”
The guilt and shame had gotten the best of her. She stood leaning on the bathroom sink with buckets of tears rolling down her face. Her soul was crying outâshe knew she had some major things in her life to change. She was in a world of make-believe. A world of anything goes. She was constantly pretending that her life was just what she wanted. She equated her loneliness to freedom, and her promiscuity to sexual expression; but she knew deep down she was leading an empty life, one where she had to share the man she was most committed to, and she never knew when her turn was. Dakota was starting to feel that her sexy single life was becoming stale, and if she didn't have something more to live for, she would just die inside. This incident just reinforced that for her. She was aware that she thought and lived outside the box, but even she knew that having a fistfight with one of your friends from college at the age of thirty-one was just downright ghetto. Besides, every woman knows the rule: you don't fight no woman over no man, and if you ever have to lose your cool, the man is the one you go after. Dakota came off as that insecure female who was always blaming the woman instead of her man.
“Lexia, she's no real loss as a friendâshe was definitely on a different level than I am, and that girl is nothing but trouble. We are not in IraqâI can't tolerate my man having free access to two women and I'm supposed to be comfortable with that,” she murmured, trying to justify her reaction to herself.
As for Tony, she knew she had given up so much of herself for him. She put her pride aside and accepted things she knew she shouldn't have. She just couldn't believe that he would do something like that to herâhe should've known better. All these thoughts ran through Dakota's head, until she realized she couldn't really blame them solely. Especially Tonyâhe was just being a man. He did what she allowed him to do. Still, the fact remained that they would never get married or have a real future. Tony said time and time again he wasn't even sure if he ever wanted to get married. Why she had chosen to settle for that, she didn't know. Why had she allowed him to crush her desire for more? She knew she should have kicked him to the curb.
Dakota had made her way to her bedroom and was lying on her bed. She had allowed her depressing thoughts to take over her small frame, and she just lay sprawled out on the bed with teary eyes and a wet face.
The crazy part was, David tried to be so good to her, but she treated him like Tony had been treating herâsecond hand. She was well aware that David was a good manâhe would make a great husband and father, but she wanted the one who didn't really want her.
So typical of us dumb-woman typesâthen we wonder why we get dogged
, she thought to herself.
We always want what we can't have
.
, she thought to herself.
We always want what we can't have
.
She guessed David was just too easy. Getting Tony to settle down would feel more like an accomplishmentâhe was more of a catch. David was easyâno bait was even needed. She thought the other part was that she was afraid that if he knew the side of her that most men would not want to make their wife, he would probably run, too. Still, she owed herself more.
I am a good personâmaybe I have been a little promiscuous in my time, but I am not a whore
, she said to herself.
, she said to herself.
After about ten more minutes of talking to herself, Dakota dozed off. The exhaustion from her boxing match, her tears, and her depression had finally worn her down. The next day would be when she really had to face the world, with shame, guilt, and no Tony.
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