Diva Rules (22 page)

Three days later, I'm standing at my locker, my hand trembling as I read the poem Cease stuffed in my locker for the second time. I close my eyes 'n' hold the paper to my nose, inhaling. Then...

I blink. Miesha is standing in front of me, hand on a hip, fingers in my face.

I give her a blank stare.

She snaps her fingers in my face again. “
Bish
, get it together,” she says, eyeing me all crazy-like. “You've been walking around here like a damn zombie all dang week, looking all lost 'n' crazy. Then you stay actin' all funny-style, iggin' my calls 'n' actin' like
I
burned a hole in ya damn drawz . . .”

She's right. I've done everything I can to avoid her. To avoid seeing her all hugged up 'n' all grins 'n' giggles 'n' full of . . . that dirty lil four-letter word that has crept up inside my heart 'n' screwed up my life.

Ooh, this whole mess is sooo not cute!

Why did Cease have to press his way into my head? Bombard his way into my heart? I didn't ask for that!

Didn't want it!

Why did he have to do that?

Make my life complicated!

Fiona was fine without him!

Snap! Snap!
“Earth to Fiona!”

I blink. “
What?”

“I'm talking to you, that's
what
. What the
fuqq
is going on with
you
?”

“Oh, forget it,” she says, snatching me outta the argument going on inside my head, before I can open my mouth to speak. “I know what's wrong with you! You're miserable without him. You know it. I know it. The whole dang school knows it. Just admit it, girl. It's all over your face. He's miserable. You're miserable. Swallow your dang pride 'n' go get ya man back. Why the heck did you break up with him, anyway?”

I slam my locker shut, sighing. “I didn't
break up
with him. We would have to be going together in order for
that
to happen.”

“Well, y'all
were
talking,
right
?”

I shrug. “Yeah, I guess. Something like that.”

“Then why'd you dead it?”

I shake my head. “I really don't wanna talk about it.” I turn to walk off, but she grabs me by the arm.

“Oh no, heifer. You not even about to spin off on me, boo. Not until you tell me what the heck is really going on here.” She folds her arms, tapping her foot. “What lil thug-daddy bum are you chasing behind
now
that's got your mind so jacked up that you'd mess up a good thing with one of the hottest boys on campus, huh?”

“I—”

“And
don't
even try to lie,” she hisses, cutting me off. “'Cause I
know
you. You always chasing after the next good time, always tryna keep ya boo-daddy stash up, so don't even try 'n' do me with the BS. You'd rather be a
ho
for a buncha no-goods than be a ho for
one
good one.”

I blink.

She's still tapping her foot. “Well? Don't just stand there staring at me all nutty. What the heck is going on, girl?”

My chest tightens.

I feel a buncha emotions bubbling up in the back of my throat. That I am sooo not tryna deal with right now.

Oh no, boo! Snap outta it! You better not dare drop one dang tear
.
Stand ya ground! This is what you wanted, so this is what you got! Now get over it!

I swallow hard. “Look,” I finally say, sighing. “Fiona ain't the one-boo type, okay? So let's just drop it. It's over. There is no me 'n' Cease. There is no
we
. It was something to do, that's it. So move along. Please 'n' thank you.”

She eyes me, long 'n' hard, then narrows her eyes to thin slits. We are both oblivious to the commotion around us, prying eyes zooming in on us as they slow-stroll by, sucking in the drama airing out between the two of us.

“Lies, lies, 'n' more lies,” she snaps. “But, whatever. You wanna spend ya life trickin' it up with a buncha boys, then do you. I'm done tryna save a chick who ain't tryna be saved.”

She storms off, sweeping her rhinestone satchel over her shoulder.

“Fine!” I huff. “Be done! Why the hell
you
care, anyway?!”

She stops 'n' turns to me. “
Bish
, because I'm your damn friend! But obviously you wanna shut
that
down, too. You're too stuck on stupid to even know what you want. So,
trust
, hun. I'm done! You wanna be alone 'n' miserable, then have at it!” She throws up two fingers. “Deuces!”

I will my feet to move, but they don't. So I stand here in the middle of the hallway—being bumped 'n' shouldered by kids zipping by tryna get to wherever they need to be before the bell rings—feeling lost, confused, 'n' ridiculously outta place.

I'm fuming 'cause Miesha tried to do me. No. She did do me! But the crazy thing is, no matter how pissed I wanna be at her for servin' me—and oooh,
trust
. She did that! The only person I can be mad at is
me
. For not sticking to the damn script! For letting that boy get all up inside my head! For missing him!

She's right. I don't know what the hell I want anymore. Maybe I never did!

God, I feel so stupid!

Worthless!

“F
ee?”

I spin around, startled.

Cease's standing here at my locker. My heart flutters. Then sinks. I can't let myself get all caught up in him. Missing him doesn't mean I have to
be
with him. It means I just have to avoid him better, switch schools, relocate across town, to another city—anywhere other than being
here.
With him.

“Hey,” I say softly.

“I can't keep doin' this, yo.”

I blink. Shake my head, confused. “Doing what?”

“Pretending that I don't miss you. Pretending that I'm not hurting. I'm all effed up, yo.”

I swallow. Him standing here is not helping my resolve to stay away from him. I knew coming to school today was a bad idea; especially after Miesha served me in the hallway yesterday. I shoulda played hooky. Played sick. Played crazy. Did anything to keep from being here. Standing here, looking into Cease's face. I've been avoiding him for the last several days, so this is the first time we've spoken since he approached me on my first day back at school.

“I-I'm s-sorry,” I stammer softly. “I didn't mean to hurt you, Cease. It's just that . . .” I pause, looking away, tryna find the right words to tell him how I feel. How I don't wanna feel. I'm struggling to tell him how much I care about him. But how can I when I'm trying so dang hard not to? How can I be with him 'n' live by my rules, too?

I can't.

“Listen, yo,” Cease finally says, lifting my chin. “I can't tell you how'ta feel or what to think. But I ain't goin' nowhere. If you scared, say you scared, a'ight? It's cool. Heck. I'm scared, yo. You think I wanted this to happen, huh? I knew I was big on you, but I ain't think I was gonna fall for you, yo. I didn't think not bein' wit' you was gonna hurt so much. Not like this.”

I bite my quivering lip. “I warned you not to catch feelings.”

He pulls in his bottom lip, staring at me with sadness in his pained eyes, 'n' my heart sinks further down into the soles of my heels. “Nah. I ain't tryna hear that. It's too late. You already all up in my heart, yo. All up in my head. Now you got me walkin' around here feeling like crap.”

“I didn't mean to . . .”

“You know we're meant to be together, so why you keep frontin', huh? We're good together, Fee. And you know we are. Tell me I'm wrong, yo.”

I swallow, tearing my gaze away from his. “You're wrong. I'm not good for you, Cease. I mean. I wanna be. But I don't think I can be.”

“So it's all in my head, right? Is that what you're tellin' me? That I've imagined all this? Tell me I'm buggin' 'n' I'll spin off. Is that what you want?”

I swallow. “Yes. That's what I want. For you to just spin off 'n' not look back. Go off to college 'n' be happy with someone else.”

“I'm not tryna be happy wit' anyone else. I wanna be happy wit' you, yo.”

“I can't.”

Ooh, I'm so confused. And, trust. Fiona 'n' confusion don't mix. My rapid breathing is in sync with my pounding heart. I feel dizzy. I want to cry. This is pathetic! I'm pathetic! This is so not diva-like. So not Fiona Madison. I don't do this. Crying.

Over a boy!

Over an aching heart!

And definitely
not
for all to see!

Ever.

“I don't wanna hurt you, Cease,” I say honestly. “I just . . .”

“Why don't you think you deserve to be loved, huh? Why can't you trust that I can love you, huh? I don't care 'bout ya past, I don't care 'bout how many dudes you been wit'. All I care 'bout is you, Fee. Why won't you trust me, huh?”

“I-I'm . . .” I can feel tears beginning to burn in the back of my throat.

“You love me?”

I blink. Open my mouth to finally admit what I've been afraid to admit. That I've caught
feelings
for him. That that dirty lil
L
-word has snatched me by the throat 'n' sank its teeth into my heart 'n' now I'm scared to death—of hurting him, of hurting myself, of hurting each other. Oooh, no, no, no! Fiona ain't even tryna be all strung out on no boy. No ma'am, no sir. But I . . . I . . . I think it's already too late.

I
am
strung out on him!

The bell rings. Classroom doors fling open. Noise erupts. And kids start pouring out into the hallway. And I see it as my great escape. My chance to flee from him, again.

From my feelings.

From his.

Cease must sense that I'm about to take off running 'cause before I can make a speedy getaway he reaches out and cups my face, flicking away my tears with his thumbs. “You ain't gotta run from this, babe; from me. All you gotta do is trust me. Trust what's in ya heart. I know you feel it, too.”

I shake my head. I feel myself starting to hyperventilate. “I-I can't do this, Cease. It's not you. It's me. Don't you see? I don't do
feelings
. I don't do
love
. I'm a heartbreaker. Not a
love
maker. Fiona ain't tryna let
you
or anyone else get all up in her head 'n' have her actin' all dizzy . . .”

“Kiss me,” he says, ignoring my rant.

My breath catches in my throat. I rock back on my heels.

I blink. “Excuse you?”

“I said kiss me. One kiss. Right here 'til the next bell rings. That's three minutes.”

I frown. Tell him I'm not about to stand here 'n' tongue him down. Not with all these wandering eyeballs all up on us. No ma'am, no sir!

“Nah.” He steps in closer. “I'm not tryna hear all that. You don't wanna be wit' me, cool. I gotta learn to live wit' it. So, after today, you ain't gotta worry 'bout me sweatin' you or leavin' you any more poems. But I ain't gonna fall back 'til you kiss me one last time. That's all I ask. Then after that, if you still ain't beat to be wit' me, cool.” His voice cracks. “If you don't feel what I feel, I'ma fall back, a'ight? I'ma let you do you. And I'ma do me.”

Ooh, this boy is tryna do me. He's tryna be messy. And he knows Fiona don't do messy!

“Girl, you better get yo' life 'n' kiss that boy,” I hear someone say. “Before I do it for you. Heeey, Cease!”

Laughter.

A small crowd is starting to gather for the spectacle that has become Cease 'n' me. I swallow. I don't want them to see me like this. Weak 'n' frickin' vulnerable. This is so not diva-like. I turn away, my face wet with tears. I don't want him or any of these messy onlookers to see me falling apart.

I close my eyes, shaking my head. Cease steps in closer. He wraps his arms around me 'n' nuzzles his chin on top of my head. “Let me love you, Fee. Don't run from this. I got you.” A part of me wants to turn to him 'n' look at him. Tell him that I wanna trust him. But I don't dare.

“One kiss, babe. That's all I'm askin' for. You owe me that, yo.” I swallow as he turns me to face him. “One kiss, a'ight?” He slowly leans in 'n' I surprise myself when I don't pull back. His lips find mine. He pecks them lightly.

But I push him back with the palm of my hand. “I can't.”

He blinks. Then frowns. “Oh, word? So you really want me to spin off?”

“Yes,” I whisper, refusing to look at him. I am crumbling inside, but fight to hold it all together. He shakes his head 'n' lets it drop for a moment. When he looks back up, he looks as if he wants to cry, but he doesn't. He's hurt. Crushed. And it's all my fault. “I'm—”

“Nah, save it.” He swallows, takes a deep breath, pauses, then says, “I'm out. Have a good life, yo.”

I eye him as he walks off. My hands shaking. Body trembling. Heart aching. My knees buckle 'n' I choke back a scream.

“Ohmigod, you stupid, bish!”
I hear Miesha's voice in my head.
“You're really gonna let him walk away like that?”

I can hear a few girls sniggering.

Someone says, “Mmph, good. I'm glad she doesn't want him. Now I can have him. She didn't deserve him anyway.”

“Mmph. She's dumb as hell to let that fine boy slip outta her fingers.”

“Cease, wait!” I yell out. He keeps walking. “Cease,
please
!”

When he stops 'n' turns 'n' sees my face he must hear what's in my voice. Desperation 'n' fear.

Of being alone.

Of being with him.

Of being without him.

He just stands where he is, staring, waiting. His face expressionless. “What is it, yo?”

I drop my bag. Kick off my heels. And run to him, screaming out like some crazed loony tune, “Yes!”

He frowns. “
Yes
, what?”

I keep running full speed, leaping up into the air at him, hoping like heck he doesn't do me dirty 'n' let me hit the floor. Ooh, that'll be so messy. But if he does, I know it'd serve me right for being so dang stupid 'n' stubborn. Okay, okay, 'n' maybe a lil silly. But, whatever. Cease catches me in his arms 'n' tears spurt outta my eyes.

“I love you! I love you! I love you!” I keep saying it over 'n' over, wrapping legs around his waist 'n' my arms around his neck. I kiss all over his face. “Yes, yes, yessss! I love you, Cease! With all my heart!” I kiss his lips. And he kisses me back.

I'm not sure who pulls back first, or if the three minutes are up 'n' the bell has already rung. All I know is, I'm seeing stars 'n' feeling kinda dizzy. I blink. And Cease is smiling. Then grins that lopsided grin of his. And I feel my heart fluttering.

I pause for a moment. “I've
never
had a boyfriend, not a real one. I've never even known what
love
feels like until . . .” I close my eyes. Shake my head.

“Until what?” he says softly.

“Until you,” I confess. “And it scares me. You have my heart, Cease. And Fiona is terrified. Of us. Of you. I don't wanna get hurt.”

“I'm not gonna hurt you, Fee. Trust me. I got you.”

And then, in the middle of McPherson High, fourth floor, west wing hallway, we kiss. And nothing else seems to matter anymore. Not my diva rules. Not the mess at home with my mother. Not even all these messy tricks gawking at us. Everything in me heats 'n' I feel myself melting. And it's as if the sun is peeking through the clouds for the first time in my life, shining down on me.

I hear a few kids whoop 'n' applaud.

I hear Antonio yell out, “Jeez, get a room! Freaks!”

Laughter.

But none of that matters, not this time. I'm with my boo-daddy. Yes, gawd,
hunni
! Fiona ain't tryna be no fool. And, hopefully, this diva's gonna keep her mind right 'n' not let her ho-ish ways mess things up between us.

Cease finally eases me down to my feet 'n' leans in for another kiss. The kiss gets sweeter with each passing second. This time I let my eyes flutter shut 'n' melt into Cease's lips, so happy that I am gonna follow my heart instead of my silly lil diva rules. Wait. Ooh, don't do me. They aren't
all
silly. I mean, well . . . maybe a few of 'em will need to be tweaked a pinch now that Fiona's got herself a fine lil boo-daddy who she's about to let wife her up for a minute. Okay, okay, for as long as he can handle the heat 'n' doesn't get on my nerves. Shoot. After all, I am still fly, fabulous, 'n' too hot to handle. Boom-boom!

But now, drumroll
pleeeease
. . . I'm about to make a new set of diva rules for a diva in love!