Divided (Unguarded #2) (14 page)

My hand comes to rest at the base of my throat and I shake my head, unable to verbalize any words.

He continues to glance into space, as if he isn’t in the room but lost somewhere in the memories of his past. “Make him pay, she said. So I got on a plane and came back home to New York. I got myself set up and joined the police academy because, so help me God, I was going to find the man who took my mom from me. And I did. I did some digging into my mom’s case and it didn’t take long to find out who was behind her murder but I had no way of proving it.”

My mouth flattens into a hard line while my heart weeps for the little boy who had witnessed something so terrifying. Repressed memory would have to be a blessing and a curse. What I wouldn’t do to wipe the image of my mother dead, hanging off the side of her bed from my mind. I’d walked in from school one afternoon, excited to tell her about something that had happened and she’d overdosed. There she was, cold and lifeless which wasn’t really that much different to her all the time anyway.

“I’m so sorry, Roamyn. Losing a parent is indescribable, no matter the circumstance.”

And it was. I hated my mother for the life she burdened us with. Lindsey and I deserved better, but she was still the woman who gave me life, who I wanted to love me.

Roamyn shakes his head. “Ali. I’m not telling you because I want your sympathy. I’m telling you because the man who murdered my mother in cold blood was Giuseppe Marino.”

My mouth falls open. Coldness surrounds my body. Hearing his name sends a tremor of fear trickling down my spine. “What? Why?”

His lip curls. “He killed her for retaliation. It’s the only thing I can remember from my memories. But I don’t have a fucking clue what for. But that’s why I’ve always been hell-bent on taking him down. I couldn’t let them get away again, Ali. I never wanted you to get dragged down too. But it was the only way to put them away and for you to get out and clean. I couldn’t see another way out with a positive ending,” he rambles, his voice cracking with guilt.

I put my hands on his shoulders and seek out his eyes. “It’s okay. I forgive you.”

“No, it’s not. You’re still facing charges.”

I nod. “I know. But Roam, I chose to stay. I’m guilty of a lot of things. I could have let you help me years ago, and every day I could have gone to Lindsey and told her the truth. That’s on me, not you. Yes, I hate what happened. I won’t sit here and lie to you and act like I wasn’t mad and I’m not hurt or scared. I was, and I’m still scared to death about Lucio or Giuseppe coming after me. I thought you took away the only thing I had control over, but the truth is the Oxy was controlling me just as much as everyone else was. I couldn’t see it before. I do now because for the first time since I was fifteen I actually have a clear head. I get why you did it, Roamyn. I can’t begin to imagine what it was like, seeing your mom like that. But I have experienced losing a parent in a horrible way and I know the feeling of wanting retribution. I don’t blame you. And if you’re questioning if I believe you care about me, I know you do. You wouldn’t have done this if you didn’t…” I gesture to the room, “…you could have just let them send me to prison.”

He turns to me, muscles tight, jaw firm. “I’ll always protect you. Been looking out for you for years, babe. Not gonna stop now.”

My tummy flutters. My body tingles, always for this man. For his protectiveness, bossiness, everything that makes him this beautiful, caring soul hidden behind hard muscles and an audacious smile. I adore it. I want more of it. I love it.

“Thank you for the clothes and candy by the way. That was very sweet of you.”

The corner of his lips turn up into the grin I can’t resist. “It’s no problem.”

My shoulders curl forward. My hands lean on my knees. “I know. But you also didn’t have to do it either. I know you’ve been here nearly every day. I don’t know whether it’s because you feel guilty or whether there’s more—”

“Ali…” Roamyn pulls both of my hands into his.

“Yeah?” Warmth flourishes through me being close to him again. Time can pass, years without each other can go by, but the moment we’re together it’s as if we haven’t lost a day.

His voice brings me peace.

His touch sparks life inside of me.

But so much still divides us.

I’m twenty-two. He’s thirty-three.

I’m a recovering drug addict. He’s a cop.

We’re a match made in mayhem. A beautiful mess.

Roamyn pierces me with his sincere eyes that weaken my knees. “I’m here because I want to be.”

I stare back at him, dazed. “Why?”

“I’m not here out of guilt, babe. I’m here because I just want to get to know you. I want to be here for you. Be your friend. You know when I first saw you going through withdrawals, I realized how fucking much it killed me to see it… to see you suffering. And now when I look at you, coping and giving this thing your best. You think you come off selfish, Ali, but you couldn’t be further from the truth. Every decision you’ve made since I first met you is because you thought you were doing the right thing. Can’t actually include the addiction to Oxy in that, but don’t think I don’t understand. Don’t assume your sister and others won’t understand because if they care about you they’ll, at least, try to. You’re strong, Ali, and you’re so brave but you don’t believe it. I’m gonna come back every day. I’m going sit with you, learn everything I can about you, we can talk about whatever it is you want to because I believe in you and I’m not leaving until you believe it too.”

I trail a hand over his temple and around his cheek. “God Roamyn, where did you come from?” I ask, my voice soft, disbelieving.

“It’s not about where we came from. It’s about where we want to be. And right now there’s no place I’d rather be than right here with you.”

An appreciative sigh slips through my lips and I skim my fingers over his jaw before letting go.

I point to the door, an idea springing to mind. A burst of energy breaking through. “Do you want to go for a walk? I haven’t been outside my room yet, and the nurses tell me there’s a whole world of awesome past that door.”

I can’t help the smile from growing on my face. Despite the headache, the cramps, the anxiety, the fact I’m sitting in rehab and still facing charges I might not get out of, I can’t not feel the growing happiness in my heart because of this guy. Just a guy who stopped to help a girl out. A guy who never stopped caring. We were strangers. Then we became something else. And now, maybe we can become something more.

Roam angles his head, forehead wrinkling. “Sure. You think you’re ready for that?”

“Honestly? I don’t know. But if you’re with me, it can’t be that bad, right?”

He reaches out for my hand. “Come on. Let’s go.”

I link my arm around his and with a smile on my face, I step out of the room to face the world with my problems, my fears, and I do it with confidence I’ve never had. My entire being shakes, but this time it’s different because scared or not, today I’m okay. Right now, I’m okay. And that’s good enough for me.

Guilty.

Guilty on all charges.

The judge’s calling, the jury’s verdict, echoes around me on repeat as I fly down the courthouse stairs with Lindsey by my side. Cameras flashing are shoved in my face. Microphones try to stop me. But the adrenaline of testifying in court against Giuseppe and Lucio and their associates pushes me forward.

We won.

Shock pumps through my veins. “We did it.”

I still can’t believe it. I still keep thinking I’m going to wake up and this day will be all but a dream. I breathe in air like I never have before. It’s different, it fills me with prospects and aspiration despite the overhanging dread of what could happen now that I’d betrayed my best friend and her family.

Lindsey squeezes my hand. “Yeah, we did, babe. You okay?”

I mull over her question because I’m far from okay. But for the first time in what feels like forever, optimism coats my guarded heart.

I try to smile. “I’m not, but I will be.”

“We did what we had to do,” she tries convincing me, and I love her for her effort but nothing could demolish the reality of what we’d just done.

“I know. Except now we’ll be looking over our shoulders forever. And not only that, I betrayed the one friend who has always had my back.”

My eyes fill with sadness thinking of Adriana. What I said wasn’t entirely true, but she did have my back when she could.

“I’ll never get her back, Lindsey, that’s what kills me the most inside. I just sent her brother and her dad to prison.”

“You will. Hey, come on now.” She grabs my chin and lifts my head to meet hers. “Everything will be okay, just not today. But that’s all right because we’ve got each other.”

Love flourishes for this woman I look up to. A woman who’s smiling at me, talking to me, consoling me the way a mother should be doing. Lindsey
is
my mother. At least, she’s the closest thing to one that I’ve ever had.

“I hope you’re right. At least, I won’t do any time now. And thank you. I don’t know what I’d do without you, sis. You’ve been more of a mother to me than our real one ever was.”

Just mentioning prison, brings a weakness to my knees, and not the good kind. The kind that makes you want to crawl into a ball and die because in some fucked up universe
it’s
the better option.

“You’re my sister. I’ll always be there for you.” She circles her arm around my shoulders and we walk down the steps. “Now let’s get you back to the clinic.”

Love.

My heart had only endured love with pain, love with hate. Love turned my heart to coal until it became a black pit of ash, an emptiness with the sole purpose to keep me alive. As a young girl, I believed the fairy tales Lindsey used to read me at night. I believed love was beautiful, unconditional. It carried happiness only love could bring. I yearned for that happiness despite not knowing whether it was real. All I wanted was to be cherished by a parent who was supposed to love me. Every day I waited for my mom to smile at me for doing all my homework or for getting good grades at school. I’d wait for her to tuck me into bed at night and utter words I don’t ever recall hearing from her.

I love you.

But a smile never graced her face and those sweet little words never spilled from her lips. Lindsey was the one who showed love, the only one I could count on. My sister, my mother, my teacher, my friend. She was everything I needed and all that I truly had. Until Roamyn. My past suffocated all belief I had in love. Love of a parent. Love of a man. Love of a friend. But in these past few weeks of Roamyn visiting me every day, opening up to me, sharing his life with me, he’s revived my faith.

I love him. I think I always have.

I intertwine my fingers as nerves and excitement jitter inside of me. I tilt my head lower keeping my hair around my face as if it will somehow hide me from the NYPD officers who aren’t looking for me because they don’t know I’m not at the clinic. Ever since I started rehab, I’ve had two police officers guard the building twenty-four hours a day, for my protection. It was mandatory after I testified against the largest crime family this city has seen in who the hell knows how many years.

Sadness creeps over me when I think about Roamyn not stopping by today. I stayed by the living room near the front entrance and every time someone came through I looked up to see if it was him. I’d never spent so much time out of my room. It was surprisingly refreshing, but sad all the same because he never showed. My chest tightened with the loss of our routine. A habit we’d formed with every minute spent together. I knew what time of the afternoon to expect him. We’d always have tea in the courtyard before he leaves. He never came without some sort of junk food. They were little things that had grown to mean so much. So much so that in a few hours I’d managed to plan a little escape to see him and get back without being noticed. I just have to hope it works. It’s crazy. Probably stupid. But it’s his birthday and I want to give him a present he won’t ever forget. I want to give him me. The best version of me I’ve ever been. Clean, healthy and for the first time in my life, a body with curves, not skin and bones.

The distinct smell of booze and cigarettes hits my nostrils as I near the Victory, a bar Roamyn and his work friends are supposed to be at. A bar just around the corner from Lindsey’s loft which I’m guessing isn’t a coincidence seeing Detective Cole is chasing after my sister. Hungry eyes roam over me from head to toe. Pulling at the hem of my tee as if keeping it down will hide any part of me from guys staring at me from the smoker’s area outside, I pick up my pace and hurry inside. Passing through security at the door, I search for blonde hair and broad shoulders. Roamyn’s built like the hulk, it’s impossible not spot him in a room, but tonight the bar’s filled with dancers, drunks and mostly people around my age. I manage to push through the crowd without getting knocked around and when I reach the booths near the back of the bar Roamyn and the other detectives come into view. Heat radiates through me as I move fluidly toward them, a smile adorning my face.

The pretty female cop frowns at Roam and as she speaks my smile falls. “You’re not talking about who I think you’re talking about, are you? Because she’s not in a state right now for you to be taking advantage of her, Roamyn.”

My pulse races, but it’s got nothing on my mind as it spins with unanswered questions.

Who is she talking about?

Why would Roamyn be taking advantage of anyone
? He wouldn’t do that.

Roamyn sighs and his shoulders fall. His head cast downward and still, he and the others fail to notice me standing behind their table listening to their conversation.

“Look, I know it’ll never go anywhere with her.” His beautiful voice drowns my hope. My knees lock up. Tears build in my eyes. His words pull at the strength I’ve built back up, the courage I found to come here to see him. To voice the feelings I’ve always had for him. “She’s not the woman for me.”

My mangled heart cracks. Another piece chips off lost forever. My lip quivers as I hold every irrational tear because, for all I know, he’s not talking about me. It could be someone else. But hearing every doubt I’d run a thousand times in my mind leave his lips, was rejection I can’t handle.

“She’s just a girl but… Ouch. Shit, man. What was that for?”

“Hey, Alison.”

I can hear Detective Cole’s voice. I can hear the music, everything around me, but I’m frozen somewhere between it’ll never go anywhere with her and she’s just a girl. It keeps replaying as I stare at the back of his blond head.

She’s just a girl.

Roamyn turns and his eyes catch mine. His posture stiffens, shock ever present in his face. It takes only a moment for the guilt to appear and squeeze my heart with utter humiliation.

He was talking about me.

In an instant, the person who’s brought me the greatest happiness causes the strongest, most gut wrenching pain. Pieces of my heart fall around my feet. I should leave. But my feet stay glued to the floor as his words echo in my ears. I glance down at my plain tee, skinny jeans and boring black boots as the first tear falls. I shake my head. How could I have been so stupid? I push back through the crowd, hiding my red eyes and watery cheeks behind my hand. How could I have believed for a second this man would feel the same way about me that I feel for him? He’s older. Wiser. Could have any woman he wants. I’m just a girl with a crush on a cop who was doing his job.

So stupid.

A hand wraps around my forearm and I know it’s him.

Anger. Hurt. My broken heart, it sends me flying around ready to demand the truth. I might not be smart. I might not be as beautiful as the women he’s bed before me, but I’m not blind. He laughs alongside me. The lingering touches, the way he looks at me when he thinks I can’t see him—it’s real.

“How could you say those things about me?” my voice shakes with every dreaded word. Roam’s eyes soften with hurt and it crushes me further. “I know you were talking about me.
So why, Roamyn
?” I end on a yell, not that it matters with music so loud it’s vibrating through my body every time the bass drops.

“You really wanna know?” Roamyn roars back with force. Passion. Opposing the tenderness he showed a moment ago. And if this were three months ago I’d flinch and back away. But I’m no longer weak. I’m not the girl I used to be and this is Roamyn. The worst he can do is break my heart and he’s already done that.

He stalks closer to me, drawing me in with his stormy eyes and fierce frown. “You’re standing here looking like you hate my fucking guts and I don’t blame you after what you just heard. But before you go stomping off like you’ve always done, jumping to fucking conclusions, I’ll give you the truth. I’ve always wanted you, Ali. Maybe not in the way you were hoping, but I always have and it scares the fucking shit out of me. I wanted to save you on that bridge seven years ago when you were just a scared kid. I wanted to protect you even when I had no idea who the hell it was I was supposed to protect you from. And when you were nineteen I wanted to sink my cock inside your sweet pussy and stay there for as long as I could, so when you left me I wouldn’t forget what you felt like. We both knew you’d leave. Just like we knew whatever it was we had couldn’t be more. Years, Ali. I’ve wanted you for so long I forget what it feels like to not want you. I just didn’t realize what those feelings meant until a month ago. And ever since then I’ve been trying to convince myself otherwise. So I’m sorry for what you overheard because none of it’s true. I shouldn’t have said it. But if I can’t wrap my head around what we have I can’t expect them to. Mason doesn’t even know the half of what’s gone down between us, and I should’ve told him the moment you became a person of interest. I just wasn’t ready to get my ass kicked for keeping you to myself all this time.”

He gestures toward the booth where his squad is sitting, but I can’t force my eyes away from him. I can’t ignore the knives still cutting into my chest despite his apology.

“I shouldn’t want you. I’m trying not to want you, Ali. I’m thirty-four years old. You’re twenty-two. A recovering drug addict and a victim of long-term abuse. You need time to heal and figure out what you want in life now that you actually have a chance at a decent one,” his voice fades as he tips his chin down to his chest.

My brows knit in confusion and I shake my head. “I already know what I want. Do you really think I haven’t spent every day for the past ten years wondering what my life could have been like had I made different choices? I don’t need time, Roamyn. I love you.”

Surprise sinks in at my confession of love. His jaw ticks and he glances away, eyes unsure. The strain on his face tells me everything I don’t want to know.

Whether he loves me or not, he’s not going to say it. He doesn’t want this.
Us.

I swallow back nausea and ball my fists by my side. Anger blankets the hurt but brings no comfort.

“You know I always thought you were so strong. But you’re not. You’re just as scared as I am because you can’t control this, what we have. And you sure as hell can’t control me and you hate it. I know why you can’t stand feeling powerless. I don’t like it either. But at least, I’m not afraid to take a chance.” My breath comes out heavy. “Happy Birthday, Roam,” I mutter, before turning around to leave. I want to forget the night ever happened. I want to rewind the clock and never hear his true feelings because all it’s done is make everything messy. I’ve never loved him and hated him as much as I do in this moment.

I love that he wants me.

But I hate it’s not enough for him to take a chance on us.

Roamyn’s hand secures around my waist. “Ali.”

“No. Don’t,” I plead with him with my eyes. “Please, don’t say it.”

The pain of a million pins, stab me in the chest but it doesn’t overpower the loss of Roamyn’s touch when he drops his hand from my waist and steps away. He flattens his lips into a hard line and reality smacks me in the face. He’s letting me walk away. From the bar. From us. From him. I wipe the wetness from my face and breathe in courage I don’t have because I have to keep it together, no matter how badly I want to fall apart. I don’t want to let him see his effect on me. It’ll prove everything he just said about time and healing to be true.